Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

Agreed but teachers wouldn’t call her a fucking bitch. OP’s DS should have told the adults what was said and let them deal with it.

It's been explained several times that Gay Boy is an insult and a slur and isn't the same as "a boy who is gay". Stop being so disingenuous

Laughing and calling someone weird is a level of being mean that an 8 year old understands is hurtful. I work with 8 year olds and they are aware how their words can hurt.

Past trauma absolutely is a defence that's used in law ffs

People get lesser sentences or even not guilty because their previous experiences guide their reactions

oh it’s now trauma, of course it is

She literally used a homophobic slur, called him weird for liking boys and laughed at him

That's literally homophobic behaviour which should be called out and challenged

gay boy isn’t ok and I would have serious conversations about that with my child if they said that. My comment was about saying weird. Which I reiterate is normal and no I don’t think teachers in our kids fantastic school would say anything other than that was unkind if it was unkindly meant, because it’s not a rude word.

I think the thing is it wouldn't be an issue or defining if people just saw it the same way as straight people. If we had Disney films that just showed it the same way it shows straight relationships. The power of love being transformative and all that stuff that Disney built their princesses on. I will admit to liking the more modern friendships and don't need a love interest/ take the time for a proper relationship ones but boys in love with boys and girls in love with girls and bisexuals etc need a bit of the Disney treatment then they'll grow up just accepting folks be different and it becomes not an issue. Kids do seem to love a label but the label would become irrelevant if everyone just got on with it. It's because it's treated differently and seen differently. Straight is any age. Gay is adult only for some reason.

Bullying is traumatic...
Especially when it's based on a characteristic that makes you a minority

Your homophobia is showing constantly

Calling someone weird because they are different to you isn't ok....

Sure, but he didn't because he's also a child. I don't expect him to behave like a teacher.

The context matters here I think because it was the combination of the two this girl came out with. If she'd announced to both kids "urgh you're weird" because they were talking about crushes that's eye roll don't be unkind behaviour. When you add it to say a characteristic such as say send, sexuality, colour, religion etc it's become a different issue and one that needs dealing with. I hope her parents discussed this with her because ultimately she's going to potentially pay the price if she gets older and is still saying things like that. Good schools won't have it and not potentially will some of her peers depending on what type of area they live in or move to in future.

He's a teenager. Talking about crushes is what teenagers do. As the OP says, his female friends talk about boys all the time. Why wouldn't he do the same?

Your son comes out of this appallingly. No 13 year old should think it acceptable to use such aggressive, nasty language to an 8 year old!!! She’s 8, she doesn’t understand anything adult properly yet and nor should she. He also shouldn’t have thought it appropriate to talk about sexual crushes with an 11 year old nearby to an 8 year old tbh. On top of that, he very much should have apologised as he should have realised immediately he’d gotten it extremely wrong behaviour wise. His victim mentality self-absorption that He is right regardless is not going to do him any favours going forward.

I would have left immediately too.

How is a child having a crush sexual? Is the 11 year old who was also discussing it being sexual as well? Also do 8 year olds not know that calling people weird anything isn't ok?

You run the risk of your son growing up thinking "poor me" all the time and attributing any uncomfortable social situation to homophobia/bullying.

Most 13 year olds would just laugh if an 8 year old insulted them, they wouldn't take it so seriously.

Yes, it sounds like he's having a hard time of it but so do lots of people. I'd encourage him to see that he can't control other people's behaviour, only his own. Take the high road, look for like-minded people and live his life without being on the lookout for reasons to be offended.

She should understand that laughing and calling someone weird because they are different is hurtful though

YOU have added the sexual part into the crush talk, a 13 and an 11 year old are not so far apart in age and might mix socially outside of school.

He should have apologised but so should she and if it was clear her behaviour was going unchallenged then I understand why he didn't apologise

"Victim mentality" is just thinly veiled homophobia tbh

It wasn't just an "uncomfortable social situation"

The 8 year old used specifically homophobic language and actions. Whether she understood it fully or not she picked on him for being different.

I am not responding to you on this thread again because you are taking the whole thread really personally as you are defensively responding a lot and I don't want to offend you as I really don't know the story of your life. I hope you extend grace to all (particularly children) but obviously that is your choice, which is clouded by your own life experiences.

It's called experience

And you're just wanting to hide away from your prejudices

Well I suppose this thread has been enlightening as to why an 8 year old thought it was acceptable to use the language she did. Bit fucking disappointing that so many adult women are apparently homophobic though. Some I suspect haven't seemed to realise that they are. Apparently a child getting bullied and isolated is ok though and trauma from this is imaginary. Genuinely what the actual fuck. I suspect that all these people would react very differently if it was them or their kids on the recieving end.

Interesting in seeing the aggressive Misogyny in such a young Gay male person
Starts early and never stops with some.

Yes she did. And people will in future, too. Homophobia is obviously real.

My point is that we can only control our own actions and reactions.

If a random 8 year old insulted me I (and any sane adult) would shrug it off. That is the mature behaviour OP should be guiding her son towards.

I also don't think it's healthy to always be on the lookout for slights and insults. It's not a happy way to live.

Quite. And the ‘girls like her made him like this’ defence is shocking.

Any 13 yr old make speaking to a 8byr old femaleome that is disturbing . My 8 yr old daughter called my 14 year old a fat poo head the other day ,she shouldn't of she's been spoken to about her behaviour but if he's of reacted by calling her a stupid bitch and telling her to fuck off I'd of been mortified. He knows she's 8 and being silly and immature and has a lot to learn about what's acceptable and what's not .

I AM NOT STRAIGHT. I was not straight at 13.
I have a 14yo child that is trans. Talk to me about my prejudice, go on.
It doesn't stop from me from seeing an 8yo child as a child and all children as human beings that are learning not as bullying attackers.
Op, her son and EVERYONE would benefit from seeing EVERY situation as a whole, how can we teach our children? How can we be better?

If you automatically attack people (particularly children) we are lost.