Neighbours angry at DS for snapping back and daughter’s homophobia - hypocrisy??

[TheNoisyDeer]

DS, 13, came out in Year 6 at the age of 10 and he has struggled with making friends ever since. His boy friends always used to make him the butt of the joke so he stopped being friends with them. He has a couple of female friends now but he still feels like he can’t be himself around them because they give him the side eye when they talk about boys and he talks about boys too. Due to this he feels on the defence when his sexuality is spoken about.

I invited our neighbours over earlier this evening for chat and drinks in the sunshine and the younger girl, 8, overheard her sister (the older daughter), 11, talking to DS about their crushes. She laughed at him, made a few comments about it being weird and called him a “gay boy”. I don’t know whether she’d picked it up from school or somewhere, but DS was clearly upset. He snapped and called her “a stupid bitch” and to “f off”.

There was immediate anger from her parents because she’s only 8 and they said there was no excuse for speaking to a young girl like that and demanded I tell him off. The older daughter also took her side and shouted at him to not talk to her sister like that. He looked startled, humiliated and ran inside.

I went inside and spoke to him about the language he used and said it wasn’t acceptable, especially to a girl that young, but I also told him I understood why he was hurt and that nobody should mock someone’s sexuality. DS said he didn’t care how old she was because she’d been horrible to him first and then refused to go back outside and apologise. I explained this to my neighbours and the mum said she wanted to leave and won’t put up with her daughters being spoken to in that manner and they left.

Ideally I would have expected the children to apologise to each other, preferably her first as she started it and then moved on but I was shocked by their reaction to just leave. We’ve been good friends for years and now I feel hurt by their lack of accountability for the homophobia and hypocrisy. I wouldn’t like the friendship to end but I won’t be bowing down to them.

AIBU for thinking both children were in the wrong but both the daughter and parents are more so?

"But but he's gay!! Like those naughty bisexuals he's obviously thinking about sex all the time!! Why can't he just be normal and accept people being mean to him in his weirdness"

The 8 year old might not yet fully understand what she said and the weight of the words, but she knew enough who to say it to. Her parents should be mortified and sorry.
OP's son should not be subjected to those words or sentiment in his own home. His reaction is understandable. He needs to learn appropriate responses and how to handle and protect himself as likely, at least until school is done, he'll encounter similar and worse.
Intolerance and all sorts of prejudice are learned in the home and well as the school yard. OP may need to re-evaluate this friendship.

The fact that he's being bullied at school seems to be an irrelevance on this thread. Which is interesting, no? 🙄

The long term consequences of homophobia can leave a their mark. Resulting in a community who turn the brutal experiences from their childhood in on themselves as adults.

There are definitely comments here that demonstrate a depth of ignorance and overt homophobia that defy comprehension. Given that this is 2026.

Yeah and some of the language is wandering along "soft" and "weak" because he got upset someone in his one safe space was homophobic to him whilst he was having a nice normal conversation. Yes, his language was not ok and needs dealing with but there's context here and the 8 year old needs speaking to as well. Especially if she "doesn't fully understand"

The girl was out of order, but it was an entirely inappropriate conversation to start with, whatever your sexuality. I’d say an apology from both would have been appropriate. Guess that relationship is over!

A 13 year old swearing and insulting a much younger child is inexcusable. Your son knew the severity of what he was saying whereas the girl likely had no idea. For him to then refuse to apologise and you to think that is acceptable is appalling. You have no valid reason to be annoyed at your neighbours and you owe them and their child an apology, as does your son.

‘Gay boy’ is a well-known derogatory term for gay males. Her parents probably left bc they’re the ones she picked the term up from or are allowing her to watch films and tv shows where this phrase is used

Both were bad - but your son is older, he should know better, whatever sexuality he is, the child he aimed his language at is eight - i would have been furious - totally unacceptable language. Both need to probably apologise - your son more so. I do think this friendship is over though - sorry.

You need to measure everyone’s behaviour against what would have been the acceptable response.

The 8yo should not have used those words, but 8yos are not that socially aware yet, so she probably didn’t understand the full implications. I doubt she was being homophobic intentionally, she was most likely parroting or interpreting something she’d heard. She needs to be educated on the subject and she needed to apologise.

Your son’s response was unacceptable, but somewhat understandable given the wider context and most 13yo don’t have great impulse control. It was intentional and he understood the meaning, but it was said in the heat of the moment. The bigger issue imo is his refusal to apologise. He’s obviously done something bad and that was the least he could do to move forward. If it was me, I’d be focusing on that. If he still refuses, there should
be consequences.

The adults should have all apologised to each other for their child. I’m not sure your neighbours could have stayed at that point without your son apologising to their daughter. It would have sent the message that it’s ok for someone to talk to her like that.

If you value the friendship, reach out and apologise. Based on their response, you’ll know if the friendship is salvageable.

No, I don’t. I am simply saying that’s how I’d have reacted if I were him. MN is wild.

Well I’m not. If I were him, this is how I would react to the torment.

It’s on the parents. The younger child shouldn’t have behaved in such a homophobic way- where has she go that from? No school would tolerate that and it would be dealt with severely so they really need to nip it in the bud. Homophobic language and bullying lead to a massive breakdown for my gay son and self hatred so I know personally how damaging such language can be. I wouldn’t scold your son,praise him for calling it out but talk to him about the language he used and remind him that he will relay the message better without swearing.

Both were in the wrong but I would be more angry with your 13 year old who should know better and was overly aggressive and abusive to an 8 year old .
A year year old can be gently but firmly educated

I wouldn’t be, he’ll be handling homophobic language a lot and suppressing understandable outrage will impact his mental health. He will have taught her a lesson- homophobia will be called out,it’s wrong, gay children and adults don’t have to tolerate it and reactions to it aren’t always going to be sugar coated.

Hello, hi that was me that said that. If you read what I actually said I was saying that these are children that he is having a hard time with. Unfortunately they aren't born with all the knowledge and maturity in the world and so he is experiencing conflict, which is hurting him.
It would be wonderful if he could be out and loud and proud and all these children had the maturity to meet him where he is but alas, this isn't reality.
I agree technically it's homophobic that he gets the reaction he does but us being outraged on an online forum isn't giving him any skills to make his life easier.

Well this annoyed me before I went to bed I thought I’d wait and write a reply this morning.
@TheNoisyDeer I’m with you her parents should have spoken to the 8 year old about how inappropriate what she said was and got her to apologise, you handled this well.
I will agree with the other posters who pointed out that your home is your sons safe space, it’s the one place he should feel comfortable being himself and not expect to be shamed.
i also disagree with those saying the 8 yr old hasn’t meant it the way it sounded. Also, she “overheard “ which means she was eavesdropping on a conversation she wasn’t part of, for those of you who can’t read or comprehend!
I’d be concerned about where she heard that if she’s parroting it if I were her parents. I’m assuming that they already knew your son is gay? They expect you to be comfortable with your son being insulted in his own home, yet he needs to apologise for how he has reacted to that?
It certainly wouldn’t sit right with me bit hypocritical isn’t it x

We should be outraged, it’s awful that children are being raised like this. It does them no good, it also mentally harms gay children growing up and overloads our already overloaded mental health service.

Well, for starters he could focus on the game. If he is eying up the other boys and talking about crushes then he will have a hard time. My DS13 has many friends, girls and boys. They have several things to talk about- none of them talk about crushes- that they might save for one best friend in private.

Wow; you could be part of the problem op. This is an 8 year old girl,, what she said was simply an 8 year old who didn’t know how to react.

your son is going to have a life time of utter misery if you continue down the route you’re on. Teach this boy resilience, teach him about intent behind words, teach him to contextualise situations.

becaude right now you’re teaching him hysteria,

She’s 8 and possibly didn’t understand the gravitas of what she was saying. He should have gently explained she can’t use those terms, it’s hurtful and come to tell you. Swearing at an 8 year old and calling her a stupid bitch is crazy, is he always so aggressive?

She is 8 years old, and no, a child laughing at something they don’t understand is not abusive

eta, there is nothing “adult” about what she did. He used adult language and he used it aggressively. Yes he’s also a child, but their behaviour is not equally bad (imo).

I wouldn’t necessarily blame the parents, there is a shocking amount of homophobic language and swearing in the playground of my local primary and it’s what would be considered a naice one.

The children involved are capable of being very polite but out of earshot of adults could make a sailor blush.

The problem in these situations is you never get the true picture. You'll get his account, her account, the eldest, and 3 different interpretations.

It's not just about words either. Tone of voice, facial expressions etc... will impact on the seriousness of the situation.

In the end, it would have been better to avoid accusations of the other child's behaviour and just acknowledge it as an unfortunate event, but you can't go back.

Just for anyone making excuses because she's 8, if she said anything like that in school and a teacher heard her they'd come down on her like a tonne of bricks. It is unacceptable. Her parents should have been mortified.

HAHAHAHA they're talking about crushes literally all the time they can, just not in front of you. And it's wildly homophobic to suggest a gay 13 year old isn't focusing on the game and is "eyeing up" other players. Genuinely revolting homophobia.