Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

Thanks for your post. My mother was also abusive to my brother. She was actually more abusive to my brother than she was to me. I spent a lot of time in childhood trying to save him from her.

She was awful. She enjoyed torturing us in as many ways as she could

She had been severely abused as a child herself and she repeated the cycle. It was No excuse and she should have stopped it but that's where it came from.

It sounds hard but nobody else can help you. If you want to wallow in pity and chocolate then of course that’s fine. But if you don’t, then it’s on you to change things.

I disagree. I think that sometimes people can't overcome trauma by them selves.

A woman I know lost her daughter in very tragic circumstances. 8 years later she is not over it. She is now an alcoholic and also overweight.

If people could just 'get over' trauma, they would. I've been trying to get over mine for a long time now

I think it’s outrageous you are being given a hard time mentioning Preston Davey. What you said was that we don’t usually find out about children being treated cruelly until they are killed. How is that hard for people to get?

im sorry you’ve had such a difficult life OP. A friend of mine found a huge amount of relief from the effects of severe childhood trauma with EMDR therapy. If you haven’t tried it maybe worth checking out.

I could write yes I'll go and go for a run and go and do art class and help myself and I will.

But also sometimes I just want to write what I think. Sometimes you need to get it out.
Fuck you dad for being an asshole.
Fuck you mum for being a terrible mother. You should never have had children.
Fuck you to my grandparents on my dad's side who never asked how I was when you knew I was suffering.
Fuck you to my uncle on that side who was cruel to me and laughed at me when I was crying. Fuck you for being cruel to me the last time you saw me
Fuck you all. You didn't deserve me. I deserved better

You are often Providing examples of terrible things that happened to nice people.
Do you want things to change? What small thing (and others have made some great suggestions) what small thing could you do today?

Thank you. I'll try and save up for that. I don't think it's offered for free on the NHS is it

I am doing nice things today. I went for a swim and for an art class

You’ve said it, but do you have to keep on saying it for 23 + years. No, you need to choose.

I am 42 and had a shitty childhood, nowhere near the same scale of shit you went through but enough to affect/anger me as an adult.
I now have two children (well, one is an adult and one is sixteen!) and the one thing I have done since I became a mother at 23 is think 'what would my mother do in this situation' and make damn sure I do the opposite of what she would have done! This is almost like therapy for me, raising children the way I feel would have made my life nicer.
I understand you don't have any children but what about becoming a Scout Leader? My son is a young leader and has been at scouts since he was 8....all sorts of people attend and everyone is made welcome. Might be worth looking into.
I also think early 40's is a bit of a tricky age for a lot of us, no longer 'young' but definitely not 'old'! I like the saying 'you will never again be as young as you are today'. It's so very true and quite poignant really.
In ten years time you (and me!) will be 52. In those ten years you could have helped countless children as a Scout leader (for example, other options are available!) or you could just pootle on as you are getting increasingly bitter with every decade. That part of your life you can control and that is why people say it is a choice even if it doesn't quite feel like it.

Hi rareb. Thanks for the suggestion. I appreciate that. I really do.

I actually already swim and run every day. There's an outdoors swimming pool near me. I'm still overweight

Yes that's true. I think 40s can be a tricky age. Thank you I will try and volunteer somewhere new.

Along with "Life is unfair" OP we need to also accept that "People are arseholes." Of course you deserved better. But only you can work out what "better" is and give it to yourself. 💗

@MyFastZebra my post sounded harsher than I meant it to and I’m sorry about that. I know you are sad. And it’s natural to be sad about awful things. But there comes a point when you have to see the sadness as some thing you either work round or drag with you as you work on the happier project.

There’s a book called radical compassion which I found useful as it teaches the importance of compassion for yourself as well - which is very different to self pity and the kinds of inaction that can lead to. So for example next time you are sad and reach for chocolate which may then trigger shame over being overweight and start a spiral of negative thoughts you can reach for the chocolate, acknowledge you are self medicating and that the fix will be temporary and lead to a spiral, so the compassionate thing to do for yourself is maybe eat one piece and have a cup of tea or glass of water with it instead. Tiny acts of self care that stack up to caring for yourself as someone worth taking care of.

Drank myself to sleep for a while. Spent a lot of years looking for love, connection, safety (sometimes online). Fucked up A LOT. Failed A LOT. Drinking, lots of random sex, reckless behaviour, self harm, self sabotage .Rinse and repeat. Didn’t think I’d make it past 25 so what was the point anyway. I was so convinced I’d die young ( or desperately wished it?). 40 and still kicking and actually doing ok now(most of the time).

Okay so what’s the alternative? I’m ND so I see things in black and white but it sounds like therapy didn’t work. Even with help, you need to take responsibility- unfortunately nobody can wave a magic wand and sort everything out.

You don’t want help from a stranger and you don’t get it from a friend.

I’m sure it is no consolation but even you have it better than a lot of people. The person that lost a child is probably worse off than you.

The only one who can turn this around is you. You don’t want to and that’s fine. But there ARE people in worse situations who have to get on with it and make the best of their lives.

Of course you don’t have to, but then it’s you that ultimately suffers.

Yes life can be incredibly unfair. I know people who just couldn’t shake the generational trauma. They were in care, their kids ended up in care, they died of alcoholism in their 50s. But I also know people who refused to accept that as their outcome. Despite chaotic families around them doing drugs and going to jail, they have changed their lives and stories. They are rare, it is hard, you have to be super strong.

Maybe CBT counselling will help you reframe things in your head. But yeah, life for some people is not fair.

It’s true you’ve had a bad start which has disadvantaged you. This means you’ve not been able to fulfill your potential.

You’re in your 40s now with half your life or more ahead of you still. So called ‘good’ families can be equally bad behind the scenes for all sorts of reasons.

Time to stop the self pity and focus on what you’re doing now to make your life better. If You’re an adult now and the power is literally in your hands. Even if you’re skint you could move for a job, do some free training. If you’ve not got kids the world is literally your oyster. If you have there are still small steps you could take to make life better I’m sure.

What is it that makes you uncomfortable?
The OP clearly said that the little boy’s case reminded her of her own abusive and lonely childhood. It highlights that there are children being abused right now, perhaps not as final as Preston or Victoria or Peter, but definitely suffering abuse that will affect the rest of their lives, like the OP.

How are you dealing with your discomfort? Are you a SW? Do you donate to children’s charities?
OP please try therapy again - maybe you had the wrong person before.

What. I never said I don't want to. I said I've been trying hard and I haven't managed yet.

I've been to five therapists for a start.

Honestly I’m not sure. She did get every other sort of therapy over the years through the NHS, non of them working. Whether she ended up paying for this herself I don’t know. Worth asking your GP though, I imagine it’s a bit of a postcode lottery if it is available but worth a try.

" He was not being neglected"?

Em yes he was