Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

picking up a copy of John Woolley book I Am With You was a big turning point in my life. I too have found strength and peace in God that I would have never once believed possible. Sending much love

I feel really sorry for u, I too wonder why some people get dealt with a hard hand, you have been so unlucky but remember this is not your fault.
do u have friends or your own family now?

He is single. He is very damaged. He has never had a partner. He doesn't work. Doesn't have kids. Anytime I ring him, he says he doesn't want to live.

That's another thing with adult siblings who went through severe abuse. Sometimes me and my brother feel we have to stay away from each other as we are suffering anyway. If we hear each other's suffering it's too much on top of our own. We can't cope with hearing about each other's suffering.

Re sticking up for yourself with bullies... well, that's what we're supposed to do, but it's not the only strategy. I used to beat myself up for not managing it. Eventually I learned to let myself off the hook and just minimise interactions with people who are nasty. This cut about 90% of the people out of my life, but meant I didn't have to fret about how to deal with them. Which is an equally valid, and less tiring, strategy, than "growing some balls" or whatever people say we're supposed to do. Obviously it's harder if you're stuck with them at work, but I found other jobs (and am now self-employed, so hurraaaah!).

Try not to envy people you see walking around with family. The thing about most families is that they can be a mixed blessing. The "love" often comes with all sorts of complications because they want the best for you on their terms, which is not at all what you want. Judgement creeps in, and creates suffering of a different kind.

I was very lonely until the age of 53, and now have an amazing life. Admittedly there are only two people in it I care about, but it's never too late to find and enjoy unconditional love.

Kindly, there is no point in wishing for things you will not have.

focus on what you do have now.

there is obviously fire in your belly- you’re motivated enough to get out of bed every day to eat, wash yourself, go to work and keep your head above water. What else might you be capable of.

what aspirations do you have that are within reach. Perhaps visualising small, achievable things will help you shift the narrative that everything is stacked against you, but rather that you are able to take control and find moments that are meaningful to you.

there are parts of your story that resonate with my own experience. In my 20s it really ate me up. I realised that I could keep living these childhood experiences over and over in my head and through my body, affecting my relationships and sense of self, or I could be really very very deliberate about separating who I was then, and what happened to me, with who I am now and the life I want to see for myself.

wiishing you all the best xx

I think the point is that when one bad thing happens to a person, with the support of other loving people we can usually overcome it. E.g. a mum dying young in a loving household with a loving dad means it is sad and traumatic but can be OK.

OP, I sympathise greatly. I too am saddled with lifelong trauma.
What about other aspects of your life? Do you have a fulfilling career? Do you have hobbies? A safe home now?

I get it OP - you are reminded of the trauma every time you see someone else who will never face the same obstacles you faced. The past cannot be undone. But other people's actions do not mean you are not worthy xx

Ah thank you for sharing. Can I ask - you wrote that we need to limit being around nasty people. But what if we work with them? We are kind of stuck with them then

Thanks so much for sharing! If you'd like to share, what happened when you were 53?

You just have to accept that life is unfair and is very very shit for many people. You can’t control what happened to you as a child but you absolutely have to get a grip on how it impacts your adult life or in 20 years you’ll be mourning wasting your middle years and still allowing what as done to you to dictate your life.

It’s not easy. I have had years of therapy, hiding away, feeling sorry for myself, being bitter and resentful and none of it worked, because I had made being that sad, abused child my identity. Despite the pain and sadness I was carrying around, there was a comfort in knowing who I was as a result and I could excuse myself from trying to break the cycle, or leaving it in the past as too hard because of what I went through. No one benefitted from that, least of all me.

I can see myself in your tone and post and I can tell you that dwelling on it like you are, feeling shortchanged and wanting to share it with others so you can get confirmation you were dealt a shit hand will get you no where near the life you want to live.

Im not saying forgive and forget - any parent who abandons or abuses a child is a piece of shit who deserves to live with the anger and guilt forever - but you have to stop living in those scenarios. You can’t have your young life back, no matter how unfair it seems. You can live your life from today that is different. One small change at a time.

If you start ruminating on how unfair it is - think about how incredible it is you got this far despite it all. Now what could you achieve if you believed you could get even further?

If you feel bullied at work because you think you are weak - how would a person who is not weak deal with this situation?

You didn’t get to have lunch with an aunt or go on holiday as a teen - who can you have lunch with now that you admire? Can you go on a small trip younger you would have liked?

Treat it like a project - project happier life. Every day make the choice that fits the project not that fits the rumination.

You can still have a good, enjoyable happier life, but you have to give it to yourself.

I mentioned Preston Davey because I just feel devastated at what happened to him. And it just reminded me of when I was a child being around cruel people and I felt so helpless. It really makes me cry.

Are there any good organisations to volunteer with children in the UK? I feel like it's hard to volunteer with children directly.

You're not wrong. There is no rhyme nor reason.

Life can be, and often is, terribly unfair.

Sorry to hear that this has been your experience. I have experienced this to a degree but fortunately have had some very good experiences too.

Hopefully you have many good years ahead. You could try another therapist maybe? Be kind, find small things you enjoy and do them as regularly as possible.

Working with traumatised children is a highly skilled profession that requires years of training, however roles that might be suitable for a volunteer include:

• The NSPCC- they have a network of volunteers who go into schools to teach children about abuse, how to report and how to stay safe.
• Childline- volunteers to answer the phone and connect children with trained counsellors if needed.
• Helpers in Girl Guiding and Scouts, or sport/hobby groups.

All of these roles would require a clean DBS.

Thanks. Yes I will try. I want my life to have been of some use. My life wasn't worth much. But I want to try not to waste it all

I have a DBS. I don't know. I generally feel like I'm useless at everything. That comes from always being treated like I was useless.

But I will try to help another child somewhere

Ah thank you. I send you love.

I feel like I used to be a bit more optimistic in my 30s.
Now I'm in my 40s - I keep thinking - it's too late to improve my life, make a change etc.

I need to start doing more meditation

I agree that life is unfair for a lot of people , particularly those who suffer all kinds of abuse including sexual abuse and the emotional abuse that you suffered .

You have clearly experienced a number of adverse childhood experiences and the resultant trauma that follows from that . One protective factor of that is when you have one person who is on your side and supports you throughout . I am sorry that this hasn’t been the case for you .
I think those that have been brought up with loving families , even those that don’t mirror the typical mum , dad , 2.4 children are better equipped in life . They are given the confidence and their self esteem is boosted , they will take opportunities in life and have confidence to do so . They will also have perhaps a financial back up or at the very least an emotional one . Someone is supporting them in the background , should they try and perhaps fail .

You and a lot of others sadly didn’t have that , so it is no wonder that life has been very difficult for you , you have had to concentrate on survival day to day .

I didn’t think what you said about the really tragic case of Preston Davey was a comparison by you . I think you have empathy for those children who have sadly suffered abuse .

I think 42 is still young to turn your life around , you could look at getting further qualifications , seeking out mental health support / other types of counselling that may work for you . You have survived , even if that survival is day to day .

You also mentioned a brother and also that your mother was abusive to you . Was your mother also abusive to your brother or did she favour him over you ? Do you have any ongoing relationship with your brother ?

Yes life is unfair , but you can still do something to change yours and provide some stability and happiness for you in the future. I think you are still in pain because of your background and although a cliche you will struggle to find happiness in a relationship currently unless you are happy within yourself .

It is very difficult to change lots of things at a time , but you could start with little things and go from there .

I do wish lots of happiness and joy for you in your future . Take care x

It's interesting you asked. I'm overweight. Me and my brother are both overweight.

Weight gain is often linked to trauma isn't it. I wake up, think of my past, then reach for the chocolate.

Sorry I'm such a pity party. I want to snap myself out of it. But I'm sad

Working with vulnerable children cannot be in an attempt to 'fix' your own feelings or provide a replacement for a shitty family. Frankly, you won't be able to save all of them, not all of them will want to be saved, not all of them will see you as a saviour and some will see you as a direct threat/soft target/whatever - and that will feed straight back into your negative ruminations.

What is something 'selfish' that you actually like? Something that doesn't put you straight into the horrible situations either in reality or through reminding you all of the time?

This is so true.

There's that old adage too, friends are the family you choose. The right friends are worth their weight in gold, they really are.

Surely every adult realises life isn’t ‘fair’?

You do what you can with the cards you are dealt - sometimes it works, sometimes not.

I agree that comparing yourself to a murdered child is sick.

There will be people worse off than you just as there will be people better off than you, there comes a point where you have to accept that for your own sake

Yes, well I used to work with truly horrible people. It took me a few years to extricate myself bit by bit by changing jobs, and I am now self-employed. I love my boss! 😁

At age 53, I finally met someone who saw, respected and understood me completely. We eventually got married. Sorry if that sounds smug. I wasn't expecting it, and it took a lot of getting used to.

I think a massive factor in why we were drawn to each other is that I had lived alone for some time and had already "found my centre" - by which I mean I'd spent years conducting little experiments, from one day to the next, finding out what actually made me feel happy and relaxed. Even just little things like deciding what I'd have for breakfast in the morning and looking forward to getting out of bed to eat it! I didn't want anyone to throw a spanner in the works, and protected my independence with fierce joy.

The only plus side to a traumatic past is that you have already been forced to acquire a certain resilience. All that's missing is pleasure in life. If you can gradually tease yourself into enjoying things, the way you might offer a sick child a tempting snack, you're onto a winner. The little things sort of accumulate until one day you wake up and realise you've created your own cocoon of contentment that no one can dent.

Not sure if sharing my story is helpful or not, please take whatever resonates (if anything!) and discard the rest! Good luck!