Why is life so unfair

[MyFastZebra]

Does anyone think about this? I just think sometimes that I never had a chance.

I was born into a bad family. My father was cruel when I knew him, then he abandoned us and refused to pay maintenance. So I grew up in poverty. My mother brought us up but was abusive to me. My mother's parents were dead. My fathers parents had nothing to do with ne. My aunts and uncles were all horrible to me.

I had not one person. I remember crying and crying as a child. I'm quite spiritual and I used to meditate as a child. I remember during meditation hearing a voice saying "even if no one else loves you, if you love yourself you'll be ok".

But I haven't been ok. My life has been nothing but struggle. Worse, is the terrible feeling of being alone. I don't have one person.

I look around and I see people going for dinner with aunts , having a great relationship with grandparents. It upsets me.

I'm 42 now and I feel sad that all my young life is gone. I never enjoyed my teens or twenties as it was a struggle just to survive.

I look at some teenagerss i know now and they are so well supported by parents, grandparents . Their families pay for holidays.

I'll never experience the joy of being an 18 year old teenager going on holiday with my friends. At 18 I had huge burdens and responsibilities.

It's just all so unfair. And the unfairness of it is driving me mad. Why couldnt I have had one person that cared about me. Why did I have to have such a tough life. Why do other people have easy lives and other people have tough lives.

I look at children in the news who are similar to me. They only usually make the news when they are murdered. Preston Davey. There are countless other children who being neglected and unloved. Why is life so unfair. Why does it have to be such a struggle.

Any thoughts?

I'm sorry you have been through this op. There are sadly plenty of people that have tough upbringings.my MIL had abusive mother was brought up in care but she went on had a family of her own so although she suffered with trauma she did learn to move on, as do most people. Some people do dwel on things and turn to addiction ect, it's easy to be angry. You should seek therapy and try and take some positive steps to move forward.

Edit as I saw your update re no marriage, children. Do you have friends through work, hobbies? I know it's cliche but exercise is amazing for mental health. I see you are spiritual so perhaps a church might be a calling for you. As a Catholic I will tell you although you may not believe it at this time, you are loved very much by Jesus. X

Thanks. I don't have a partner (I never really knew how to love), I don't have kids( I didn't want to be a bad parent like my parents) but I do have a job

I actually believe that empathy comes from critical thinking. Obviously that's not the whole story - but a fundamental understanding of what the self is and its relations to others: these are critical thinking skills which lead to empathy.

Life isn't fair and most of us could be here all night giving personal examples, and more general ones like people who came out of concentration camps to find everyone they'd ever loved and loved them had been killed, horribly, but still remade their lives. Embrace trying to work on making your life now as good as you possibly can, finding the determination to see that you have value, because you do and can find happiness. Looking forward is the only answer but you need to find the ability to do that.

Going out and engaging with life and all the possibilities it offers, even by small steps will be a start and I wish you well.

And you deserve better now but only if you are prepared to make it happen.

Your parents ruined your childhood but at what point do you and your brother accept that you are allowing them to do the same to your adulthood.

It may seem trite but there are people who are so much worse off than you, perhaps disabled to the point that they will never be independent, people living on the street, people who lose all of the children to disease or accident.

Do you WANT to get better or is it easier to stay in the headspace you have occupied for 40 odd years?

That sounds harsh but it’s true. Nobody is going to magically make your childhood good but there comes a point where you have to pull yourself out of it.

Nobody said it’s easy because it isn’t. But nobody can do the work for you, you don’t trust therapists (I get that totally) and in any case they can only do so much.

Like a PP said, perhaps try to get specialist therapy from someone with experience in your specific issues.

I hope your spirituality will give you some solace.

It's interesting that you wrote that because my grandfather was actually imprisoned in a nazi camp, (not concentration camp bit slave labour camp) he survived, and it turned him into a cruel asshole. It made him become cruel and nasty himself . He went through a lot, but then he became very cruel and nasty in his later life himself.

Not having a partner or children isn’t necessarily a bad thing anyway. There lies another massive source of stress.

Do you want to break the cycle though? It’s so easy to stay in the same place, I have been there. You have to make the decision for yourself (as does your brother). Or you resign yourself to screwing up your adult life like your parents screwed up your childhood.

I do want to try to break the cycle. I want to try to forgive all the people in the family who were obviously in some way damaged themselves. It's a hard journey

Please god give me the strength to forgive and be better in my own life

YANBU. ❤️ I’m your age and had a bad upbringing. The only members of my family that cared about me passed away in my teens, after that I was more or less completely alone.. tried to build a relationship with my dad but over time he’s made it clear he doesn’t care about me so have gone no contact. I get it, and I’m really struggling with it all lately, I get that you feel you missed out on life, I was also trying to survive so missed out on ‘experiences’. A few recent experiences have made me miss having a parent very much and the loneliness is awful. Life isn’t fair, I think it’s all down to luck

I'm so sorry you've had to carry all of that. Reading your post, what stands out most is how much you were missing something every child deserves: safety, love and someone who was consistently on your side.
You didn't choose the family you were born into, and it's understandable to grieve not only what happened, but also what you never had. Seeing other people with supportive families can bring up a real sense of loss for the childhood and young adulthood you missed.
One thing I would gently say is that the fact you're still here, reflecting on your life and expressing these feelings, says a lot about your resilience. It doesn't erase what you've been through, but it does show that despite everything, you've kept going.
At 42, you can't change your past, but you can still build meaningful relationships and find people who value you. They won't replace what you lost as a child, but they can become an important part of your life.
Please don't feel you have to carry these thoughts on your own. If these feelings of loneliness and unfairness are becoming overwhelming, it might really help to talk them through with someone you trust or a counsellor. You deserve support just as much now as you did back then.
I hope some of the replies remind you that you're not alone in feeling this way, and that there are people who understand the grief of growing up without the love and security every child should have had.

That’s awful - he sounds terrible but equally I dread to think what he went through.

You have a job. Therefore you are not fighting to survive as some are. You are able bodied and able to be active. But you have to be proactive, nobody else will do it for you.

Yes obviously the cruelty he received ended up partly turning him into how cruel he was. But there's other people who survived nazi camps who didn't become cruel and embittered. He was a cruel old man who sexually abused me when I was very small. He chose to do that. He was one of several who absued me as a child. I have never sexually abused anyone . Sometimes I'm amazed that I'm still standing. It was a lot

I am sorry about that. The help afterwards that is available now was not always there then and it is very sad that it seemed to affect him so. There are however many others who came out and became good people, good parents and yes, found happiness.

You don’t have to forgive them. You just need to break this mindset and change things. It sounds like you and your brother are not great for each other, which is a shame. But it’s easy to feed off each other’s misery.

I do empathise as it’s so hard.

I understand...I have been through a lot and ....it is not fair but we have hope in Jesus Christ....may be the voice was from an angel who was watching over you, reminding you that you are to love yourself even when no one else does

Well then do you want to just wallow in your childhood or take responsibility for your future? It’s up to you but if you convince yourself you can’t then you will in fact be right. Equally if you look at what you do have compared to others you may be surprised.

Btw I didn’t meet decent friends until I was in my 50s

That's harsh. A woman I know from school recently cried to me that she was raped by her step dad when she was 8. I didn't say to her "well do you want to wallow in your childhood"

I think there needs to be more resources to help people overcome child sexual abuse.

I feel it was an angel. Im quite spiritual. I also feel on some spiritual level I agreed to have a difficult life. I feel some souls may decide to go through a difficult life as it will help them to understand child abuse. I don't know why. As I feel it hasn't really helped me and I'm too weak to help anyone else so far.

Your reply is insensitive in the extreme!! No need for shitty dismissive response at all

Thanks

it wasn’t meant to be harsh but it is true.

what you went through was horrific and of course there should be far more help available for survivors of CSA.

In fact, why not campaign for exactly that? It’s how a lot of parents who lose kids etc deal with trauma - I guess it’s a way of channelling that pain into something positive and trying to help future victims as well as coming to terms with your past. Even set up a support group. You might find that it’s easier to deal with around people who understand.

I'm very tired and damaged. I'm barely able to get through my own day at the moment let alone advocate for others. I cry a lot.. And sleep a lot.

Maybe in the future I'll be stronger

Not necessarily. My autistic DS lacks critical thinking but seeing someone suffering makes him cry. So even if he lacks an understanding of himself and others he def doesn't lack empathy.

Don't feel any pressure to do anything than taking care of yourself. Helping others can heal ourselves but only if we got the energy to do so. Wish I could make you a cup of tea and give you a hug..