AIBU to not send her to preschool

[Misha1998]

trying to decide this. Please help! I hope it isn’t too long. Lot of things on my mind with it all.
YABU - send her in
YANBU - don’t send her

Context - my daughter has just turned three so one of youngest in her year. Very verbal/talks constantly questions etc, inquisitive etc but also introverted and shy and has never been in childcare just family, me her dad or grandparents, but mostly me, looking after her. I have a self employed product business so very flexible and we both do outdoor self employed work that the kids can be involved in and she loves doing it with us. She really enjoys climbing and outdoor play, books, exercises a lot, I think has a fairly fulfilled life we love her lots and while she is sensitive we have been able to be close to help her work through things. she has a 1yo younger sibling and another due in autumn. She has a place in preschool at her future primary school in September but only for afternoons (1-3).

REASONS I DONT WANT HER TO GO
The time she has a place for feels awkward for us as limits flexibility on what we can do for the day as it is slap bang in the middle and I worry we would end up spending more time at home or in our small town instead of getting out to the river, sea etc etc as we usually do. Makes the whole day a school oriented day in a way that it wouldn’t if just the morning. It is also younger toddler siblings nap time so drop off and pick up is logistically hard, especially with. Newborn too. And I personally think outdoor play and physical exercise is more important that the type of things they do at school (crafts, indoor play with toys (she does this at home anyway) and singing). She still is so young g most European countries don’t start school till much later. She has done a few sessions at the school (they do sessions for 2.5yo) and had very intense separation anxiety and says she doesn’t want to go. They said she was ok once inside but her face was so red and blotchy on collection it is clear she had been crying an awful lot and told me this too, and when she went to the sessions for 2y olds there either me or her dad had to stay with her the whole session she was that upset. I don’t want to loose her trust or make her “mask” or shut down and then we all think she is fine when she isn’t as that was what I did at school early years I remember it well it was horrible.

REASONS I THINK SHE SHOULD GO
i am going to be with a newborn and one year old and I think it would be good for her to go to school and do different activities and see children her own age. She knows and socialises with a lot of kids her own age currently but most of them will be in preschool most days full days come September so limited opportunities with them. She loves her younger sibling but of course it is also a limiting factor on what she can do, even more so once newborn comes. It would give me a break from the relentless talking if she was there for two hours a day! I am also worried about her starting reception and being a bit “behind” as all her peers are used to spending time away from mum and dad and she isn’t and it’ll make it all a lot harder for her and if we tackle the separation anxiety and school anxiety now it would make reception easier for her. I also think her having her own space I suppose, doing “big girl things” like painting and having the structure of going could be good for her and make her less likely to resent her younger siblings or be frustrated at home. School can give her something we can’t. We spend most of our days out the house as it is but over winter with a new baby it’ll be more difficult.

Would a Montessori nursery more suit your parenting style?

You acknowledge that she needs to get used to being away from you when she starts school.
Nursery isn’t mandatory but I do think it’s good for children to get used to that routine and to experience things you can’t in the family home.
Yes there may be tears but the joy at pickup time is great!

I think you've left it quite late. She's old enough now that she can't be distracted by toys. It's going to be difficult, the decision is whether you want to have that battle now or later.

Does it have to be a preschool? Can you find a nursery and send her and the 1 year old in so that you have time with the baby?

Have you also thought about the skills she needs to attend a preschool e.g. being potty trained and able to wipe her own bum etc?

Given the way you’ve described her separation anxiety, I think bridging the gap between being at home vs then being in full-time school would be better for her. It would allow her to become used to school and separation for a shorter period of time. I believe you don’t have to send her in everyday for school nursery if you don’t want to. Why not enrol her and start sending her 2 days a week and then gradually increase it? If there’s a day you would like to do something in the afternoon just don’t send her that day, there’s no truancy for nursery kids.

Put her in two full days and 3 afternoons. It would be really unfair not to send her, she’ll be behind the other children, putting her in for afternoons only will be a pain in the arse running back and forth with two younger ones but it has to be done for their development.

Thanks all for your honest responses!!

Yes an alternative style of nursery like Montessori or forest school would suit us well but nothing round here unfortunately.

for the question of potty training she has been ECed from being a baby and out of nappies since 17 months and is half decent at wiping although I do check after poos of course. and can wash her hands independently and understands about germs etc. She is very bright and is learning to read at the moment. it’s more emotional sensitivity and figuring out what is really important and what she is ready for that i am struggling with. Is separation at just turned 3 really necessary when we don’t need it really for childcare since we have the younger ones anyway? We are flexible enough to be able to keep her at home

does it happen ever that a child at three years old matures in 12 months so that they cope with separation at starting reception age having not previously? People wait for “signs of readiness” for things like potty training but not for separation from primary caregiver. She is still so young. She regularly spends time with her dad or grandparents totally fine so it’s not a clinginess to just one person (me) but her personality style is slow to warm to new people and can be sensitive and self conscious. She meets new people regularly but with a familiar person (me or her dad) with her at the same time. She gets pushed out of her comfort zone with climbing and riding her bike etc so it’s not that she avoids discomfort in her life.

I guess I’m not totally sure what benefit will be provided for her that’s what is holding me back from sending her in. The idea of a nursery instead of school is a good idea as then she could go in the morning and not have the difficulty of the afternoon drop off and pick up.

She’s my first so I really don’t know the right approach I just know my experience of early school years was terrible and I’m keen to not repeat it (although I had been in full time childcare from 6m so different background to my daughter)

But 'signs of readiness' don't come into it when she has to start school.

How are you teaching her to read? Are you following a phonics programme? You dpnt want to do anything that will be at odds with how they learn at school.

You are doing her a disservice by not sending her.

It isn't her issue if you have three kids in three years. I would send her as you might struggle to give her one to one time. If she has had no experience of nursery she will find school a struggle. The teacher's can guess who hasn't been to nursery.

Just because you found school hard doesn't mean it will be the same for her although I have a suspicion you want to home school her so are looking for an excuse to not send her?

I would look for a setting where she can do two longer sessions rather than 5 afternoons.

I don't think your first point about the awkward timing will be a problem, because your younger two will needs naps anyway at that time. If you can get them into the habit of sleeping while she's at pre school then you will get a nice break every day! The four of you can all do something together in the mornings and then pre school and naps after lunch.

I think she's the right age to go to this kind of setting and it will benefit her when she has got used to it.

You can also delay to start her at school if she's summer born, until she's turned 5. This could buy you some more time

How many days a week are you looking at? Can you cut it back to 2 days so its not disrupting your whole week.

I do find it sad that we send them to preschool to make going to school easier. It'll be a transition anyway so maybe it would be better a year later. (I say this as a parent who used private nursery from 13 months)

I was just about to say this, why don’t you give her another year at home with you now?

I sent my son - because I thought I should, and I had a new born. He did 2 mornings, rising to 3. I would never have sent him 5. Part of me not working and being with the kids was wanting freedom to do days out, swimming, seeing family, going to museums and parks etc etc.
My daughter starred at nearly 3 - same 2 mornings- she loved it for the first term. Then big brother went to big school.and she was there alone - and she hated going. I wish I never sent her. Youngest was a bit older when he went - he loved it. All kids are different. They don't all need 5 sessions a week. Remember that you will never get this precious time back. So make the most of it.

As she’s one of the youngest in the year, and she has separation anxiety, I would absolutely send her to pre-school. School is a big step but even bigger if she hasn’t gone to nursery. If it’s the school nursery there will be lots there who will be in her class, she’ll get used to the setting and she’ll likely get lots of transition time before starting reception. You didn’t mention reading and writing but she’ll get a boost at pre-school which may be needed if she’s summer born.

I think doing afternoons is a bit rubbish because as you said, it’s right in the middle of the day but I do think that she would benefit from attending some kind of setting. Also, unless you’re intending to homeschool her, she needs to start adjusting now to being in a ‘class’ setting and forming friendships or connections at least with children who she’ll potentially be at school with, especially if it’s attached to the school.

I’d keep her at home. It sounds like you are a very involved mum who will do lots of lovely things with her.

Most replies will be from people who have had their children in nursery from 1, who have never heard of EC and who would never dream of teaching their child to read “in case the school do it a different way!”

Put your child’s emotional health first and keep her at home if that is your preference.

As someone that works in education, transition to school is usually much easier for child who has attended an early years setting.l, be that a nursery or a preschool. I think with a new born it gives you time to bond this new baby and it gives your older one the opportunity to learn new things and practice social skills.

You need to do SOMETHING thats drop and go, where you dont stay, to help her get used to not being with you constantly. It doesnt have to be this preschool, it could be being left with a regular babysitter or goimg to a drop & go swimming lesson or playgroup etc.

If you keep avoiding it/putting it off, you validate in her head that its:

• scary and shes right to be afraid to leave you
• that she isnt ready

This is how anxious kids happen. They are afraid to do normal stuff, their parents dont push them to take the risk etc and discover that they are fine & can cope.

My kids started preschool (15 hours a week) the month after they turned 3. They had never been to nursery before - just baby groups with me. They both cried at first and took some time to settle in, but ended up absolutely loving.

From age 3 on, they do benefit from being around other kids. It also helped prepare them for school - the transition to Reception would have been much harder if they’d not been to preschool. I would definitely send her if I were you - it will be easier for everyone to keep her home, but this may be better long term.

I taught my DS now 14 to read before he went to school, and he did go to the school's own preschool 5 mornings per week.
I used flash cards for the 100 common exception words and the First Steps into Reading set of alphabet books.
I just left school to fill in any phonics knowledge when he went to Reception. He unofficially passed his yr 1 phonics screening test in Reception ( unless his teacher was lying 🙄)

I think the school nursery/preschool was a good way for him to be familiar with the school setting and the children he has spent the following years with.
The teachers can definitely tell the difference between children who have gone to preschool and children who haven't.

In the European countries you mention where they don't start school until later, most children definitely do attend nursery/preschool settings at your daughter's age. It's just that there is less focus on formal learning and especially on reading and writing at that age.

Beginning to learn independence from parents, and socialising in a group with peers, are definitely important from around age 3 and if you don't start this soon, you're putting it off until she starts school, when there will be more pressure and fewer adults who can help her with settling in and adjusting.

Why do youth think successive governments have funded pre-school hours for years now? Including Tory governments, who dont like parting with cash for no reason?

Being a very involved mum and doing lots of lovely things, doesn't help with socialisation, preaore for school structure or being independent from care givers, does it?

Most replies will be from people who have had their children in nursery from 1, who have never heard of EC and who would never dream of teaching their child to read “in case the school do it a different way!”

Really nasty air of superiority here.

Why do youth think successive governments have funded pre-school hours for years now? Including Tory governments, who dont like parting with cash for no reason?

Being a very involved mum and doing lots of lovely things, doesn't help with socialisation, preaore for school structure or being independent from care givers, does it?

Most replies will be from people who have had their children in nursery from 1, who have never heard of EC and who would never dream of teaching their child to read “in case the school do it a different way!”

Really nasty air of superiority here.

It’s less common now than it used to be as more have both parents working, but kids do settle into school completely fine without having done nursery. Personally I’m not a fan of nursery unless it’s needed childcare, I think family is much better in the early years. Or if you decide to home educate(I just get the impression!), then not an issue there either.