AIBU to not send her to preschool

[Misha1998]

trying to decide this. Please help! I hope it isn’t too long. Lot of things on my mind with it all.
YABU - send her in
YANBU - don’t send her

Context - my daughter has just turned three so one of youngest in her year. Very verbal/talks constantly questions etc, inquisitive etc but also introverted and shy and has never been in childcare just family, me her dad or grandparents, but mostly me, looking after her. I have a self employed product business so very flexible and we both do outdoor self employed work that the kids can be involved in and she loves doing it with us. She really enjoys climbing and outdoor play, books, exercises a lot, I think has a fairly fulfilled life we love her lots and while she is sensitive we have been able to be close to help her work through things. she has a 1yo younger sibling and another due in autumn. She has a place in preschool at her future primary school in September but only for afternoons (1-3).

REASONS I DONT WANT HER TO GO
The time she has a place for feels awkward for us as limits flexibility on what we can do for the day as it is slap bang in the middle and I worry we would end up spending more time at home or in our small town instead of getting out to the river, sea etc etc as we usually do. Makes the whole day a school oriented day in a way that it wouldn’t if just the morning. It is also younger toddler siblings nap time so drop off and pick up is logistically hard, especially with. Newborn too. And I personally think outdoor play and physical exercise is more important that the type of things they do at school (crafts, indoor play with toys (she does this at home anyway) and singing). She still is so young g most European countries don’t start school till much later. She has done a few sessions at the school (they do sessions for 2.5yo) and had very intense separation anxiety and says she doesn’t want to go. They said she was ok once inside but her face was so red and blotchy on collection it is clear she had been crying an awful lot and told me this too, and when she went to the sessions for 2y olds there either me or her dad had to stay with her the whole session she was that upset. I don’t want to loose her trust or make her “mask” or shut down and then we all think she is fine when she isn’t as that was what I did at school early years I remember it well it was horrible.

REASONS I THINK SHE SHOULD GO
i am going to be with a newborn and one year old and I think it would be good for her to go to school and do different activities and see children her own age. She knows and socialises with a lot of kids her own age currently but most of them will be in preschool most days full days come September so limited opportunities with them. She loves her younger sibling but of course it is also a limiting factor on what she can do, even more so once newborn comes. It would give me a break from the relentless talking if she was there for two hours a day! I am also worried about her starting reception and being a bit “behind” as all her peers are used to spending time away from mum and dad and she isn’t and it’ll make it all a lot harder for her and if we tackle the separation anxiety and school anxiety now it would make reception easier for her. I also think her having her own space I suppose, doing “big girl things” like painting and having the structure of going could be good for her and make her less likely to resent her younger siblings or be frustrated at home. School can give her something we can’t. We spend most of our days out the house as it is but over winter with a new baby it’ll be more difficult.

I think it’s wonderful/amazing that you are coping with a 1 and 3 yr old with another on the way, to the extent that you will consider not sending her!! If that were me, I know I’d need some respite. But you are thinking so sensitively about her needs.

I think it would be absolutely fine from DDs needs pov not to send her yet and wait another year. Although school starts so young in England I’m remembering - could you defer both so she gets a pre school year at 4 and starts proper school at 5?

But on the question of readiness - sometimes we do need to put our kids in situations that are a bit uncomfortable for them, to help them grow and develop independence skills. It’s a tough call that only you can make, but either option is good for her - do what suits all of you the most.

Never leaving parents will probably feel like that for a small child.

I want to say this as gently as possible, but you are holding her back. She will learn to adapt and flourish.

I have a 1YO and 3YO and was terrified of sending my non verbal (then 2YO) to nursery. LO has done amazing, is now verbal (delayed) but doing amazing. I was also really worried about the separation anxiety and they said we could do as many settling in sessions as needed. But that doesn’t mean you sit there and hold their hand. You drop them and go, they can stay for an hour, 30 mins, whatever, a few times to get used to it.

it would be such a huge leap from spending every day with mummy to going to school 5 days a week and not seeing you all day. There needs to be a bridging gap to make it easier.

I think reading through your posts that you have a certain separation anxiety too OP.
You are going around in circles looking for reasons not to send her.

My advice would be to try it. If she's bright and sociable it will do her good to be in a preschool environment with her peers and have the opportunity to do age appropriate activities whilst you're going to be be busy with a baby and a toddler.

We didn't need to send dc to pre-school but I decided to send them three mornings a week from the term after they turned three (because it was free, and that way I still got two full weekdays to spend with them myself. Less than three half days wasn't allowed.

I decided to send dc because they've are very sociable and clearly needing more time with other children.

After half a term dc decided they wanted to stay all day, and over the rest of the year we gradually increased to three full days.

Most of the kids in their preschool went to the same primary school, which I thought would help, but actually they still found it a challenging transition (and dc doesn't even play with most of the kids from preschool anymore! They made friends with some of the new kids).

From all you have said, just keep her at home with you for the time being. She sounds like she's doing absolutely fine and feeling safe with you will give her the best start for when she does start school.
Forcing her into situations where she feels anxious and gets distressed are going to cause greater harm to her.
My 2 did 2/3 mornings of preschool until they started school and it worked fine for them. Had they not been happy, I would have pulled them out but they enjoyed it. But I also wanted Mum time with them whilst they were young and I don't regret it at all. I would not have sent them in for afternoons only though, as they wouldn't have worked for us.
Follow your gut instinct!

It’s play based in a school setting though. There are some expectations that are completely different to what’s expected in a home environment with different aged children. Given that a preschool year has been common for over 40 years and universally available for 20 virtually every child coming into reception will already know them having been introduced to them much more slowly than is likely in a reception class (although a good reception teacher will make accommodations for children who are slightly ‘behind’ in that are of development)

IME you can almost always pick out the occasional child that hasn’t been to nursery and they do take much longer to settle. I do think that the OP needs to be aware that there is the possibility she just pushes this problem down the road or makes it worse when she makes this decision.

not to say that’s the only way to help her DD chain confidence and these skills. Preschool swimming/gym/dance group classes will help and usually are much shorter.

I want to say this as gently as possible, but you are holding her back. ... such nonsense!

I think reading through your posts that you have a certain separation anxiety too OP. .... so now we are diagnosing this wonderful mother with some pathology! Disgraceful!

I think there are many, many ways for children to have wonderful lives - it's not like one experience is the 'best' or works the best for all children. Obviously a 3/4 year old with their mum and wee siblings all day is a lovely thought. But logically, how much time and space will there be to focus on this older child's needs amongst the baby and toddler? What will her days really look like and what sort of plan is there for next year and the year after? There is nothing wrong with a family choosing to prioritise family time over socialising time, but as the OP said - this child won't really have the opportunity to socialise with children her own age as they will all be at nursery and she will be with two very young children.

Of course this is a more modern thing - the expectation that children thrive when surrounded by other children the same age. And I imagine there are many benefits to opting out of this construct. But if the plan is to move towards a structured school day in one year's time, then yes, it's time to start working on it. If the plan is to homeschool and everyone is happy with this, then there's no real need for it and the focus can be on developing her confidence in other ways - maybe looking for a homeschool community or similar. But it's really unfair to go from long relaxing days as the only verbal child in a group to lining up with 20 other children and navigating sharing, queuing, etc etc etc in a year.

The reason for avoiding teaching a 3 yo to read is that it's not developmentally appropriate for them. 3 yos are hard-wired to play, explore and stay active. I have seen many children arrive at school having already learned to decode who are behind with their social, emotional and physical development. Within a few months/years, the rest of the class has caught them up with reading, but they never make up the lost ground in other skills. I've also seen children at 6 or 7 who can't read at all, having been in Montessori settings or come from abroad, and it takes a very short time for them to pick it up as their brains are fully ready for it. Children who have reading forced on them too young also often end up with a negative association with reading.

My husband and I are both qualified primary school teachers and are more than capable of teaching phonics but decided not to with my daughter. We only gave her answers to questions she specifically asked. She learned at school and is now finishing Y1 and independently reading chapter books.

Unclutch your pearls 😅
Nobody is diagnosing anything at all.

I do think that from her posts it seems the OP has some anxiety about putting her child in preschool. Lots of mums do.
I know I did. It's not unnatural and it's certainly not a pathology. Most often it's actually unconscious, but it is something to reflect on and consider when making the decision because it's very easy to transmit your own worries and anxieties to your child.

Reception is a prep year for year one when formal learning begins. If you don’t want her to go to preschool then don’t send her. Or can you see how it goes with all 3 and start her in January?

Absolutely do nursery, the earlier the better in my opinion. Mine went at 10 months and loves it. The transition is easier at that age but obv thsts too late for you

But we do teach 3 year olds to read? Or at least they do at my son’s pre-school? They do phonic sounds and numbers, just 10 mins a day and get him to write his name.

We all agree that children have different strengths. Some children will need endless repetition of the same letter to get it, others will be able to learn 5 sounds in that one ten minute lesson! Others will be able to throw a ball accurately, others will keep hitting themselves on the head by accident! If you were truly able to differentiate for all pupils you would have some who could read on entering reception just by being ready to earlier than their peers, just as some will be better at throwing a ball. A parent working one to one with their child can move at the pace of their own child, not the majority of the class.

I am assuming that the OP doesn’t have her child chained to a desk doing nothing but learning to read, but I thought that was a safe assumption. Most 3 year olds can concentrate on an adult lead activity for 10 mins without harm!

As for the social/ emotional aspect, as I said, every child has their strengths and weaknesses. 10 mins a day, exactly what my child’s pre-school does feels unlikely to have longterm negative consequences. But obviously hyperlexia is correlated to neuro-diversity so that might be why you have noticed a pattern there?

I wouldn’t send her for those hours. She will really struggle to settle for 2 hours a day, it’s pointless imo. If you have nowhere else nearby where she could go a couple of days for at least 5 hours then I’d probably not worry about it and just focus on doing what you’re doing. It sounds like you’re doing a great job. If you enjoy it and she’s happy you don’t need to send her just because people say you should. You know her best.

10 minutes a day of phonics won't hurt, except in that children will quickly notice if they are finding it harder than their friends and internalise early that they are "bad readers" when it reality they probably just aren't read, but there's also no benefit to it.

That 10 minutes could be better spent on play or fine motor skills.

Learning to read early does not mean becoming a better or more enthusiastic reader.

I tried my child (august born) at pre-school having just turned 3. They hated it and were totally overwhelmed. So I decided to delay school start by a year. We tried pre-school again at having just turned 4 and they were still sensitive but managed it so much better being that extra year older. They're about to start school in September and I think pre-school has really helped prepare them for that transition. Everyone thinks they know best about other people's children, but I would trust your own instincts as their mother.

DD1 was late August and other DC are summer born.

For eldest I did feel under pressure to send her to pre-school because she hadn't been to childcare - very much she was missing out vibe. We didn't get a school based pre-school place - but still sent her to a local preschool in hindsight I wish I'd ignored much more and had her with us for longer.

Not sure it helped her be any more school ready - actively think it hindered pottey training. I could have sent her after Christmas or last term instead. She was fine in school first year anyway - I think preschool wans't great fit and not all went to same school or ended up in same class so knowing people didn't work well either - but all my insicts got drown out by people round me insisting it was me holding her back if I change or stopped pre-school.

Other two we got places at the school pre-school- and morning sessions which suited our routine - and I do think they benefited much more. The preschool and reception worked closely and played in same areas - they were part of the school met staff and most went up into reception classes. Also them being tiny bit older they did feel lack of older kids at groups which we hadn't with DD1.

If time doesn't work for you and you think she fine at home - are there other options maybe after christmas or eatser for a term where she could do some out of home expericences - if not reception is supposed to be school intrductions and while she'd likely be in tiny group not sent to some childcare/preschool setting they should be able to accomodate that.

I would absolutely send her in but maybe find a more convenient setting where she can do mornings for 3 hours. Children behave very differently in front of adults they don’t know and it’s important in terms of school readiness. I also had no need for childcare but sent my eldest for half days from 2.5 and full days the year before he started reception. It’s extremely important in terms of socialisation and independence from age 3 and after the initial settling in period they mostly enjoy it. I noticed the difference between friends kids that weren’t going to nursery from around age 3, they tended to be less able to interact appropriately with their peers (in terms of sharing toys, playing together nicely etc) as you can’t really replicate that environment with just parents/grandparents/nanny etc as their main source of playmate. Maybe find a term time only setting then you’ll still have almost half the year to spend time with her given how long the school holidays are!

This is really important, I think. My son starts Reception in September and I’m home with him two days a week. Wherever we go (soft play, attractions, playgroups) at least half the time there’s no one close to his age to play with. If he wasn’t in nursery the other days, his guaranteed chances to socialise with peers would be very limited.

Could you start more slowly a couple of afternoons a week and see how it goes, as you say she needs to get used to going to school and starting gradually and getting used to the children she will presumably start school with will be important. Starting school not being used to being left there, not being familiar with the place or the other children would make it very hard jumping straight in when they will be starting teaching in earnest as well.

Could you ask about doing mornings instead if it clashes with the one year olds nap time?

It is crazy to say that a child needs to go to preschool to be ready for school or nursery to be ready for preschool. Each new experience is a new experience when it happens ... nursery is new ... why is that a problem? Preschool is new if you have not been to nursery .... why is that a problem? School is new if you have been to neither... why is that a problem?

How far back shall we go? ... should we be preparing for b nursery by sending them to ... wait a minute ... where could we send them?

Each phase of their lives is a new experience. There is nothing wrong with letting that fact be.

This little girl is happy in her family where she will gave lots of experiences, including the arrival of a new sibling with whom she can be involved as is right. Why ship her off? What is the point?

My dd has just finished a year of preschool and it's been wonderful for her, she's absolutely blossomed and is really confident about continuing to reception in September. She started on 5 mornings and now does 3 full days plus 2 mornings. I think mornings are far better than afternoons because if she wasn't at preschool we'd have gone out and done some activities or classes in the mornings, and then she'd be tired by the time of her preschool session (she would often nap at the start of the year after a morning session as it's tiring to have that social stimulation even if you're used to a lot of activity). I'd try to find a setting that would offer mornings, or put pressure on to switch to mornings. Usually it's for the convenience of the nursery to offer afternoons but it rarely suits the child or parent.

@Mischance please feel free to tag me if you’re going to quote me 😉 I am entitled to my opinion much as you are yours. So please, shut up.

it’s not nonsense. Going to nursery helps children learn valuable skills which simply don’t apply at home. Circle time, sitting still with peers when told. Yes you can sit and read a book with your child at home in their safe environment but it’s not the same.

i could listen a million and one reasons why I mean what i say; OP your holding her back. And I mean that kindly. You will not always be there to hold your child’s hand and your doing a disservice by not allowing her to even try.

Of course they learn valuable skills. The issue is not what but when.
Why does she need to learn these particular skills at this particular moment?
The answer is that she doesn't!
What is the rush?
Everything in its own time.
She needs to treasure these early years for what they are and their intrinsic value. Time enough to be fed down the funnel and moulded to the testing/ judging/competitive route.
Leave our little ones be! They can't get this precious time back!