AIBU to not send her to preschool

[Misha1998]

trying to decide this. Please help! I hope it isn’t too long. Lot of things on my mind with it all.
YABU - send her in
YANBU - don’t send her

Context - my daughter has just turned three so one of youngest in her year. Very verbal/talks constantly questions etc, inquisitive etc but also introverted and shy and has never been in childcare just family, me her dad or grandparents, but mostly me, looking after her. I have a self employed product business so very flexible and we both do outdoor self employed work that the kids can be involved in and she loves doing it with us. She really enjoys climbing and outdoor play, books, exercises a lot, I think has a fairly fulfilled life we love her lots and while she is sensitive we have been able to be close to help her work through things. she has a 1yo younger sibling and another due in autumn. She has a place in preschool at her future primary school in September but only for afternoons (1-3).

REASONS I DONT WANT HER TO GO
The time she has a place for feels awkward for us as limits flexibility on what we can do for the day as it is slap bang in the middle and I worry we would end up spending more time at home or in our small town instead of getting out to the river, sea etc etc as we usually do. Makes the whole day a school oriented day in a way that it wouldn’t if just the morning. It is also younger toddler siblings nap time so drop off and pick up is logistically hard, especially with. Newborn too. And I personally think outdoor play and physical exercise is more important that the type of things they do at school (crafts, indoor play with toys (she does this at home anyway) and singing). She still is so young g most European countries don’t start school till much later. She has done a few sessions at the school (they do sessions for 2.5yo) and had very intense separation anxiety and says she doesn’t want to go. They said she was ok once inside but her face was so red and blotchy on collection it is clear she had been crying an awful lot and told me this too, and when she went to the sessions for 2y olds there either me or her dad had to stay with her the whole session she was that upset. I don’t want to loose her trust or make her “mask” or shut down and then we all think she is fine when she isn’t as that was what I did at school early years I remember it well it was horrible.

REASONS I THINK SHE SHOULD GO
i am going to be with a newborn and one year old and I think it would be good for her to go to school and do different activities and see children her own age. She knows and socialises with a lot of kids her own age currently but most of them will be in preschool most days full days come September so limited opportunities with them. She loves her younger sibling but of course it is also a limiting factor on what she can do, even more so once newborn comes. It would give me a break from the relentless talking if she was there for two hours a day! I am also worried about her starting reception and being a bit “behind” as all her peers are used to spending time away from mum and dad and she isn’t and it’ll make it all a lot harder for her and if we tackle the separation anxiety and school anxiety now it would make reception easier for her. I also think her having her own space I suppose, doing “big girl things” like painting and having the structure of going could be good for her and make her less likely to resent her younger siblings or be frustrated at home. School can give her something we can’t. We spend most of our days out the house as it is but over winter with a new baby it’ll be more difficult.

My ds1 is a late August birthday and turned 3 days before he started a school nursery in the September.

ds2 was also a newborn at the time. It was the best thing I did putting him in and he came on leaps and bounds. I put him in afternoons and it tired him out so an earlier bedtime which was a bonus.

I was worried he’d struggle as he was the very youngest but he’s going into y1 now and doing great.

How would her own mother, with only three kids, struggle more than a teacher with a classroom full? I do think it would benefit her to make friends for a few hours a week, but the hours are very awkward and I wouldn't commit to them personally. That's the time of day tired and cranky comes out.

Could you put her down for a nursery slot and look to start a few AMs a week come January?

This is the age parallel play starts to evolve into interactive play, though collaboration doesn't truly work until around 6. It would be good for her to start learning how to manage large group interactions - this takes longer than you'd think.

Why don't you delay her school start, so she's just turned 5 when she starts? And do preschool when she's just turned 4? We did that, and it was brill! DS is very academically able, but struggled a bit with the social side and was still napping at 3, so we delayed his school start under the flexible admission for summer borns rules. He is now almost 9, and thriving!

We absolutely wouldn't have skipped preschool though, it makes starting full time school far less traumatic and stressful, from a social angle.

If your intention is that she starts Reception next year, I think some experience of a group setting is going to be helpful. It isn’t just about separating from you, but also socialising in a group setting with same age peers and operating in a group environment where there are rules & routines (sitting on the carpet, lining up, putting stuff away etc. etc.). It is a very different experience to being at home or in family care.
I think starting reception without any preschool or nursery experience is more difficult. I agree the hours offered aren’t the most convenient. Could she do mornings, a couple of full days or maybe afternoons 3 days a week? If not are there alternate settings?
My DD did 1 and a half days nursery, 1 day with family & the rest was split between me and dad right up to reception. People told me she needed more hours or preschool rather than nursery to settle, but that didn’t work for us. I needed longer days when working & treasured the days we had together. We met with other children regularly when not a nursery. Even though she did less hours than most I wouldn’t have wanted her starting school without any preschool or nursery experience. I think it would be a lot harder. If you plan to home school I think it is less important.

Unless you’re planning on homeschooling, your life will be school orientated for the next 12 or so years anyway… It’s just how it is. Obviously nursery hours can be awkward if they’re just morning or afternoon so only 3 hours a day. Mine were in private nursery from 1 onwards all day while I worked. It had some downsides but what I will say is their immune systems were strong by school age so they had very few days off for illness and I didn’t have to deal with separation anxiety in reception as lots do.

It's rare to meet a child in reception who hasn't been to a nursery or preschool. I personally would send her for a couple of half days a week, which would give her the chance to get used to, and hopefully enjoy, the setting and also plenty of time for you to still do other activities. Bear in mind lots of children find the first couple of weeks tricky when starting nursery, but staff at usually very good at helping children settle in. When they start reception there aren't as many staff and therefore not as much opportunity for the same level of attention.
If she likes it you can increase her days or hours later in the year.

I think the important things to consider here are if / when you intend to send her to school and if this is really the only possible option for nursery. The schedule wouldn't suit me at all - I'd much rather a couple longer days than 5 short stints like that with 2 tiny ones to bring back and forth.

My daughter has anxiety, situational mutism and - we think - is autistic as well (she's 13 now and several years into the waitlist for an assessment but it's pretty obvious). She started nursery at 13 months as we had no other option. Honestly - it was the best thing for her 'because' we knew she was going to school at 4. It took a little while to settle her into nursery (she went 3 full days 8-6 and had a day at home with my husband and I each - we have flex-hours) but then going to school was super easy. She walked in on the first day holding hands with her bestie from nursery and had a brilliant time in primary (secondary less successful at the start but we are getting there!). She had wraparound care on the same days as she had nursery (we had her brother by then so kept the schedule the same until he started school).

So I think it's important to know what your goal is here - are you aiming to homeschool? Then you should consider other enrichment activities for her with children her age. If you are aiming for school in a year's time then yes, you need to start thinking about how to prepare her for that.

Socialising with her siblings is lovely but a very, very different experience to a room full of peers. Does she do activities now? Dance or tumbletots or anything like that?

Just continue as you are. It is working well for you all and would mean she would not feel she had been shipped off in favour of new baby. You will have years and years of having to fit your work round school schedules ... enjoy this bit while you can! Stressed parents running back and forth will be her life in times to come so let her have this secure family time while she can.

She does not need school yet. She is young for her year anyway and she needs time to mature and grow in confidence. Her sense of security matters most. This is what will help her when she does start school.

You will be bombarded with people telling you she needs the social interaction and trying to guilt you into sending her. Ignore!

She is enjoying her life and has lots of interesting things going on in a secure context. Time enough for school when she is a bit more mature.

When you feel she is ready perhaps begin leaving her with a relative or friend for an hour or so to help her grasp the idea thst when you go you come back.

There really is no hurry. She is very tiny. Allow her this happy time.

I think you need to sit down and genuinely think how much this is you problem, how much this is a her problem and how much is a combination of the two.

For a start, you are wrong about Europe and else where, most kids will be in a kindergarten or year or several years before starting school. Some countries from 2 upwards, some from a year or two older than that.

Secondly, some children are more anxious than others. I think she is now beyond the age where this is likely to be a phase. So I think you need to start managing it and having a plan for dealing with it or you are just pushing problems down the line. avoidance is never the solution to anxiety, it increases it and causes more problems down the line. Anxious children need to learn how to manage that anxiety they feel in situations they feel anxiety in but others don’t and that it is ok otherwise her life could end up getting very restrictive. you need to be proactive IMHO. You do have the option of starting a year late but I would be cautious about using that with a bright, inquisitive child who in every other way sounds like she will be more than ready for reception next year.

intrigued by the argument about others waiting for developmental steps. You did EC training and you are teaching reading already which is a learnt process not a developmental one. So it doesn’t sound like you believe this, more you might be trying to justify your own worries. Are you sure that there isn’t a part of you that is putting your own experiences about preschool onto a relatively normal settling reaction for a child that has only ever been looked after by close relatives. That she was upset in a handful of settling sessions doesn’t mean that she will still be upset everyday in a few weeks time even if you masked as a child.

In my local area (N.Wales) the preschool sessions after they turned 3 were “school readiness” sessions at the school nursery, like you, we were allocated afternoons. There was no option to change to morning, no choice to do 2 longer days, and no alternative settings. They were “free” as in taken out of my 30hrs.

I spoke to my nursery manager at the time as to whether anyone else didn’t send their kids to preschool and she said nobody she’d known had done it.

my girl is July born, I worked part time it just sounded like a faff to get her there every day. But she thrived. The same preschool kids went into reception together, then into Y1.

I felt that being the “new kid” at reception or yr1 would have been harder to overcome for DDs shyness.

My daughter is one of the younger ones in her year (turned 3 last April) and went to preschool in the Sept. I had been worried about sending her because she had never been in a nursery/daycare setting before but she loved it. She went 9-11 five days a week and I feel it was a good first step before she starts school this Sept, the two hour slot was great. I see what you mean about the afternoon time slot not being ideal but you’ll find ways around it I’m sure, you’ll maybe get out to the park or beach earlier in the day instead of later? Ultimately you know what’s best but if she doesn’t go do you think adjusting to a much longer school day next Sept might be even tougher? And by then, unless you’re prepared to homeschool, you won’t have a choice whereas at least if you try preschool and she really really doesn’t want to go you can adjust her days or take her out?

I think you are doing her an emotional and social disservice not sending her, she will be at school soon and that wont fit in with your lifestyle either, children need a bit of structure and other people/children in their life to aid development it does read like you want her with you and not really thinking about her needs long term,

Personally, I think the social aspect of it trumps all other concerns. Learning to be with other kids/people and the resilience that comes from learning to negotiate over toys and games etc. is really invaluable.
I know she has younger siblings(s) but it isn't quite the same dynamic.
Also building a routine and trust of a routine will be so useful when it comes to starting school.

I do agree that the time of the sessions is a bit awkward, but maybe start with it and see how it goes?

It sounds like you have a beautiful home life and that is going to help her so much because although the separation anxiety is real, she has a firm foundation of love and care so help stabilise her. Good luck OP!

Reception is going to be a rude awakening for this child. I'd place money that she will be the one clinging to her mother howling and having to be peeled off to be taken into class. Sigh.

I’d defer her school start and start nursery next year. Or accept the place and just let her go sometimes when it suits you both and not on other days when you’d want to do other stuff. Here in Scotland kids start primary roughly age 5 and have two pre school years at nursery. The sessions are 3-4.5 hours long each day or some people can do 3 long days etc
Out of four children, only one of mine has done the first nursery year fully (age 3-4) but they all went by 4 and enjoyed it. Two had the final (Easter to summer) term of the first year then carried on the next preschool year and one had sort of a flexible approach from the xmas to summer of the first year - going once or twice a year for 2-2.5 hours only then into the preschool year and the final (the youngest) only went for the preschool year. So they developed a lot socially and emotionally that year 3-4years and were ready to separate from me and home around 4 far easier than before. They’re all older now and the youngest is by far the most “intelligent” in terms of academia. The third is the hardest working and the older two have been good at school and socially- with the eldest being a typical all-rounder. None have had issues with separation anxiety in generaL in terms of school trips or sleepovers. So
Trust your child @Misha1998 and your gut as a mum and send her later…

I do not have the words to say how much I disagree with this.

How dare you tell this mother she is not thinking about her child's needs - that is exactly what she is doing!

She is not trying to make her lifestyle easier, she is trying to do the right thing by HER child, whom she knows best.

These early care settings are not for everyone, any more than school is. We see the outcome of this in the mental health problems of teenagers who have been funnelled down the Gove-induced rigid curriculum and endless testing. Children are made to fit into these artificial settings for a very long time - let this child have the joy of simply being a child as long as she may.

Not being at pre-school does not mean she is not socialising. She can be with other children in many other ways than preschool.

Sometimes I wonder if the whole pressure to farm children out from a young age is driven by career concerns (another way of "making lifestyle easier?) and the whole socialising thing becomes a justification due to a necessity.

Children do not need to be in any sort of care until they start school, unless work considerations make this necessary. Where they don't then small children can enjoy a different sort of early experience - different, not worse. Each has its place.

I am tired of parents whose small children are perfectly happy being guilted into sending them to care settings when there is no need. Parents need to make their own decisions in the light of their knowledge of their child - some will choose nursery/preschool etc., but those who do not choose that should not be denigrated as poor parents.

Well if her mum has a new born and a one year old then she isn't going to get as much attention naturally. She would be better going and playing with other children and learning to get used to leaving her.

I feel sorry for children who are just taken to school with no experience of anything like that environment. It is just not fair on that child.

Agreed, this is a great strategy.

If you don’t want to defer then I think you should go ahead with preschool this year, as it will massively help her prepare for school.

I also think the afternoon sessions are good - mornings are usually better with kids anyway, so you can do fun things with them all then, and then have a more relaxed afternoon with the others and early bedtime for her after pick up.

In my opinion more shorter days are better than fewer long ones, as she will be less tired but also fully in the 5 days a week routine that she will need to be in for school. I did 2 days with DC1 and practically had to resettle him every Monday after his 5 days off whereas 5 short days with DC2 worked much better.

Ours didn’t go to nursery/daycare as we worked opposite shifts and days to avoid that expense, however we sent all of ours to preschool 9-3pm, 3 days a week for the 2 years prior to starting school as this was the school readiness prep, which we felt was essential.

Apart from the last it was really inconvenient as with the first, it meant having to traipse younger ones around the drop off/pick up. Then with the next several, it meant coordinating drop off/pick up with clashing school hours of older siblings at school. The only one where it was convenient was the last where it gave whoever was at home a big chunk of time to do jack shit 3 days a week. Still did it for all though as we felt the school readiness programs in preschool were essential prior to starting school so we sucked up the inconvenience.

Is there no space to do morning sessions instead? Could you one full day and two mornings? Then you'd have two days free for bigger trips. If she's bright and already starting to read it might be good the school staff get to know her early so they can know that she might need more advanced phonics in reception. Make sure you are teaching her using phonics (and tricky/high frequency/sight words) and making sure she's forming her letters correctly, using capitals in the right paces and full stops. One of mine could read and write before preschool. The other we couldn't have taught her at that stage as she just wasn't ready. I don't believe you can hothouse reading - at age 3 they can usually do it easily and are interested or they can't.

If she is really distressed by the place I think you need to either wait til she is abit older or (probably best option) try somewhere else that she might like more and where she can go for the mornings.
The trouble with afternoons is that they have had all morning enjoying spending time with you so find the separation harder, plus they are tireder, and you also have your younger ones naps to think of so definitley sounds like you need an A/M session.
Preschool can be great for children to get them used to the school routine and structure, build social skills and meet others they will go to school with, but only if they are happy there.

Honestly, if the preschool that only does 2 hours per afternoon is the only feasible option, I wouldn't bother.

I do think preschool can be brilliant for some (a lot?) of children, but I also see no issue with keeping them home 'til Reception.

I feel sorry for children who are just taken to school with no experience of anything like that environment. It is just not fair on that child.

How far back do you go? When does a child need to be in such an environment? Children's lives are full of new experiences - how do you decide when one of these should start? Whenever it does it will be new to them and that is fine. They can be well prepared through books and chats so they know what to expect. Maybe the experience of a school setting should start when they go to school .........

It is a fallacy that children who do not go to nursery or preschool have no experience of mixing with others. Of course they do.

Is it fair to whisk a small child from its happy environment before it is ready? - that's what I call unfair.

What about the preschoolers with no experience of preschool?

Starting school at reception age isn't like throwing them to the lions. It's still play based.