AIBU to not send her to preschool

[Misha1998]

trying to decide this. Please help! I hope it isn’t too long. Lot of things on my mind with it all.
YABU - send her in
YANBU - don’t send her

Context - my daughter has just turned three so one of youngest in her year. Very verbal/talks constantly questions etc, inquisitive etc but also introverted and shy and has never been in childcare just family, me her dad or grandparents, but mostly me, looking after her. I have a self employed product business so very flexible and we both do outdoor self employed work that the kids can be involved in and she loves doing it with us. She really enjoys climbing and outdoor play, books, exercises a lot, I think has a fairly fulfilled life we love her lots and while she is sensitive we have been able to be close to help her work through things. she has a 1yo younger sibling and another due in autumn. She has a place in preschool at her future primary school in September but only for afternoons (1-3).

REASONS I DONT WANT HER TO GO
The time she has a place for feels awkward for us as limits flexibility on what we can do for the day as it is slap bang in the middle and I worry we would end up spending more time at home or in our small town instead of getting out to the river, sea etc etc as we usually do. Makes the whole day a school oriented day in a way that it wouldn’t if just the morning. It is also younger toddler siblings nap time so drop off and pick up is logistically hard, especially with. Newborn too. And I personally think outdoor play and physical exercise is more important that the type of things they do at school (crafts, indoor play with toys (she does this at home anyway) and singing). She still is so young g most European countries don’t start school till much later. She has done a few sessions at the school (they do sessions for 2.5yo) and had very intense separation anxiety and says she doesn’t want to go. They said she was ok once inside but her face was so red and blotchy on collection it is clear she had been crying an awful lot and told me this too, and when she went to the sessions for 2y olds there either me or her dad had to stay with her the whole session she was that upset. I don’t want to loose her trust or make her “mask” or shut down and then we all think she is fine when she isn’t as that was what I did at school early years I remember it well it was horrible.

REASONS I THINK SHE SHOULD GO
i am going to be with a newborn and one year old and I think it would be good for her to go to school and do different activities and see children her own age. She knows and socialises with a lot of kids her own age currently but most of them will be in preschool most days full days come September so limited opportunities with them. She loves her younger sibling but of course it is also a limiting factor on what she can do, even more so once newborn comes. It would give me a break from the relentless talking if she was there for two hours a day! I am also worried about her starting reception and being a bit “behind” as all her peers are used to spending time away from mum and dad and she isn’t and it’ll make it all a lot harder for her and if we tackle the separation anxiety and school anxiety now it would make reception easier for her. I also think her having her own space I suppose, doing “big girl things” like painting and having the structure of going could be good for her and make her less likely to resent her younger siblings or be frustrated at home. School can give her something we can’t. We spend most of our days out the house as it is but over winter with a new baby it’ll be more difficult.

I think going to pre-school is a good idea in the long run.

In the short term, can you start on 2 afternoons a week (Tuesdays and Thursdays, for example) and then increase to 3 days or more when you feel she has settled?

Can you start to have conversations about what it will be like from her perspective when the baby is new born, i.e. not so much fun stuff going on, lots of naps needed etc, so pre-school will be much more fun for her.

Other things, like nap times for the younger one, can you start to push it back by a few minutes each day? So its timed for when you get back after dropping her off?

You’re looking at this a little skewed. Nursery is good for her to learn to take turns and manage social situations independently. She won’t get this at home. A good school has other benefits too and should have a decent outdoor continuous provision space. Find a nursery or forest school that does if that’s your style.

Nursery is not childcare because you have a newborn. Nursery will not teach your child to read- there are other more important foundational skills. There is absolutely no need to teach your 3 year old to read, let her play!

I’m a parent of four and an early years teacher.

Also at 3/4 most parents are back to work, so there are few opportunities to socialise with peers at church hall playgroups & library music groups because they are mostly in childcare.

I was in a similar situation with my daughter in that she didnt need to go to childcare but my background is a teacher and I know how important some of the skills preschool provide are. Honestly separation anxiety is likely to get worse not better as she gets older. Its a skill to be around and take direction from new adults. To be able to communicate their needs to different adults and to interact with other children without Mummy/Daddy there. That said I REALLY didnt want to send her.

I was going to send from the term after she turned 2, but in reality I delayed because I had another baby and I didnt want her to feel replaced. She went the term before she turned 3, initially just for 3 hours a day for 2 days. This quickly increased to 5 hours (which is the full day at her pre school) 2 days a week. In many ways I wish I had kept her at home and I feel robbed of precious time with her. I wouldn't say she has exactly flourished or its been some miraculous adventure for her, but it has been important. She goes in happily enough now, is confident around new adults to state her needs (go to the toilet/fallen over/needs a drink etc). She enjoys having other children to play with that her siblings dont know (and being able to introduce siblings to friends if we bump into them out and about). She is developing the basis of a social life independent of me. She starts school in September and honestly, I am terrified but the key thing is SHE isnt so preschool has served its purpose.

I’d send her. Whilst I don’t really agree with formal education from 5 it has to happen and nursery is a good stepping stone for that.
she will learn the routine of school and possibly start some reception work in the summer term. She will also make friendships making reception less daunting. Going straight from being at home to full school days would be even tougher. You have a couple months to start preparing her, does she go to anyone else at moment, like grandparents?
Yes it’s a bind , morning or 2.5 days would be better. Is there no way to swap? But it’s only for 10 months and you can take here out for odd days if you choose as nursery isn’t compulsory.

You talk about her being outside but there are other skills to learn in a group such as cutting and pasting and painting. Sharing resources such as dressing up too.

These can be learnt at home but you'll be busy with your other little ones.

It's a good reason to go. However bright a child is they need to understand sharing and group work as they grow up.

Honestly, I would do what's the best fit for your child. Don't stress about future problems.
Due to lockdowns and isolating rules, my child was cared for by family until three.
By then, I felt he was ready, and needed interaction with children his age. He always wanted to play with other children, but most of the groups we went to were much younger babies.
We tried one nursery at just 3yo and it was a disaster. He went in happily on day one, and came out distraught. He obviously hated it- went in crying, and cried as soon as he was picked up, and was clingy the rest of the day. I have friends whose kids were very happy in the same nursery, and felt all the guilt about whether he just needed to get used to it, but after a few weeks I decided to stop.
Two months later we tried preschool, and he loved it. I think the difference was not his age, just that it was just a better fit for him. We still had tears every morning getting ready, but once we arrived and he saw his teachers and classmates he would be ok, and he literally bounced out at pick up every day. The difference was massive, and really validated my feelings about removing him from the previous setting.
Sorry, that eas really long, but I just wanted to say- do what's right for you now, not what you think you ought to for future reasons. It's not a final decision.

If she’s going to be starting reception the following year then preschool would be a good start. If she already struggles with new environments and confidence with new people on her own then she will struggle with primary school coming straight from home.
Preschool is a shorter day to get children used to something loosely like the structure of school but in a much more casual way.
If you’re going to defer the primary application then you can send her to preschool next year instead.

I know it’s hard to recognise with your first but she sounds completely normal/ average for her age. These are developmental traits, not personality traits.

pre school is funded because so many children turn up to school unprepared- that includes emotionally. I would do it for longer days. She’ll have fun there

I’d send her, although you don’t have to do 5 days a week. You could find somewhere that does different times sessions too? Separation anxiety is only going to get worse. And it’s at 3 that they really start to play with others and build little friendships.

Why don’t you just send her for 2/3 afternoons - or ask if you can also do some
mornings.

I started mine off with one afternoon and one morning.
Then we built up to 3 sessions. And then in we did 4. I only did 5 sessions in the term
before school and we never did full days.

There is usually a compromise. You don’t need to go from nothing to 5 days. I liked a mixed so we kept our full days off going out to places we had annual passes, and mornings to do toddler classes. Then she’d go to preschool in the afternoon. Or preschool in the morning and see a friend after lunch.

SEND HER IN.
You have created multiple threads about your child possibly being autistic/adhd/other based on that she likes to play in the garden in a restaurant. You are extremely anxious and as many have pointed out to you your anxiety is the biggest problem- not your daughter. She needs to be in a healthy environment where every step she takes isn't scrutinised so def send her in. And get some therapy asap.

Oh god I didn’t realise it was that poster!!

This child would absolutely benefit from a few hours away from OP each week and other professionals who can work with her and aid her development rather than her mother who seems intent on diagnosing her with all sorts and doesn’t understand normal childhood development and behaviour.

On the European thing, most do go to something like preschool from a similar age as your daughter. Whilst school may start later they are not just home up until then.

if that preschool doesn’t work hours wise can you find another that does - mornings or just a couple of days a week?

I think she should do something at age 3 to help prepare for school.

Interestingly this is what’s often behind these kind sensitive hippy dippy families. Anxiety and control

Then don’t send her. Literally nobody except you and your husband care if you send her or not.

Is this the same poster though? That poster only had one child whereas this one has 3 and the styles do look different in posting!

Don’t be silly. She’s not left it late at all.

Research tells us there is no benefit to nursery before the age of 3 that can’t be got at home, and that children are better off staying at home until then.

When they turn 3 that’s when the socialisation aspect is important.

Both of mine started at 3, only two days a week, and that has been wonderful for them. No problems, they loved it. The transition to school was fab, no issues at all.

I think it's annoying that you have been given afternoon sessions. Is the morning full?

I do think you should send her, you are going to be busy with a baby and the 1 year old so a lot of things might be more tailored to them rather than developing her as an older child.

You also mention the preschool being linked to the school, so it's likely that the children she meets will be in her class. Often there are links between school based nurseries and reception - cross over of staff, similar routines, so she will then have an advantage when she starts reception, especially as you mention she already has separation anxiety. Lots of children find it tricky at first but soon settle into the routine and familiarity of it.

Many mums manage the school run with babies or toddlers (and some both like you) and they just have to slot in.

Do you actually want her to go to school though or is home ed of interest? As overall it sounds like you are against school and prefer what other countries do, so I feel like you may always see the negatives.
If you can work around your children then maybe home ed would be a better option?

Also starting school at 7 doesn’t mean (and hasn’t been proven to cause) any positive outcomes. There are many shit educations systems that start at 7.

I think it sounds like it would be more trouble to send her there than it's worth.

I didn't send mine to the preschool attached to the primary school because of the timing.
They were already at a different playgroup that was from 9-2 twice a week, which was much better than 5 afternoons.

As for seperation anxiety. If you're both getting it then why force it? I think you have a lovely set up and she already likely has 11 years of schooling ahead of her coming up fast enough.

I think it is you who are not are ready to send her.

If you are trying to work, with a newborn and a 1 year old in tow, yes, I think she’d probably benefit from some time a few days a week with friends and having an adult who can facilitate activities for her and give her their attention.

But I don’t think there is any point to 2 hours of preschool. I’d only do 9-3 or 9-5. Even if not at the school preschool. A teeny tiny short day is pretty pointless all around. The great thing about it is it gives you time to give your younger dc the sort of attention she had. Mine started school when I had her brother and it was lovely to be able to give him my full attention like I did my eldest.

The timing sounds annoying so I’d at least try and go o. The waiting list for mornings or two full days instead of every afternoon.

benefits of going include getting used to being away from you when there are lots of staff who are used to handling the emotional side and can support her. In reception there are fewer staff, they need to focus on delivering the curriculum, and they can have quite high expectations about the children taking some responsibility for themselves and their stuff, I a way that nurseries don’t.

if preschool is at the future school it’s also a networking opportunity that will give her a stronger social group going forward. We didn’t go to the attached preschool of our school and it still affects friendship groups in y4 as the preschool parents know each other better from all the free afternoons/mornings they had together when their preschool kids were not in preschool.

if she is bright don’t defer her starting school, it’s boring enough for bright children without being a year older than others

I think that your decision needs to be based on if you want to defer her school start for a year. I think it is unfair to a sensitive child to go from nothing to everything the start of reception. So personally I would be looking at either having her at preschool part time hours this year working up to close to full time by the end of summer term or deferring entry a year and then doing this next year.