Page 20 | AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

Puffinsandcoffee · 2026-07-06T20:46:37+00:00

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him. It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that. I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer. One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV! The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not. Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up - I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that. - I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff. - I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is. - I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to. I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

MrsCarson · 07/07/2026 15:17

Puffinsandcoffee · 06/07/2026 21:59

I definitely can't talk to anyone IRL, and there would be no benefit, but mumsnet is a godsend for me and I'm so grateful that people take the time to reply to me because I sometimes think I have no sense of normal at all.

He didn't do anything all that bad - I did wonder if omitting it would make people imagine the worst. It was just stuff like he kicked the door into a room I was in until it broke, and punching walls which is just stupid behaviour obviously, he hurt himself and damaged the wall. Swearing at me/ calling me horrible names and pushing me a few times. Nothing worse, nothing that would make someone else a "nervous wreck" Just, his misfortune is that I was already susceptible to being a nervous wreck!!

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That is abusive no matter how you spin it. You never know when it's coming.
Most abusive men aren't abusive 100% of the time, otherwise no one would be with them ever. They have times when they are nice and funny and helpful, but when it comes it comes and you won't be able to stop it.

addyou2it · 07/07/2026 15:52

JasmineMac · 07/07/2026 15:01

The thread should be pulled. The OP is lucid and eloquently forthright in her position, and isn't interested in replies attesting that yes, she will continue to fear her husband's outbursts.

This is a public forum, and I can't imagine this chat will benefit any lurkers who are in abusive relationships. It's an entirely pointless but potentially persuasive, in an entirely unwise and unhelpful way, discussion.

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👏👏👏
Couldn't agree more.

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:04

Emilesgran · 07/07/2026 12:38

Thanks for being open to seeing things from other viewpoints as well. It's not easy, especially when you're being slightly targeted by some posters on here.
They mean well, but I get that it puts you in a defensive position of trying to explain yourself.

And I think I get why your brothers wouldn't take the measure of what's going on either, because they too are judging by "your" rules - they see it as a "Know your place, woman" sort of incident - "And not even a slap, so what are you complaining about?" (I'm not justifying that, before anyone jumps on me - just trying to put words on what I think is going on in various people's minds).

I don't have an obvious solution, but I do have a couple of questions: when you "married out", was that in itself controversial among friends and family? Does the fact that you went ahead and "rebelled" now make it harder to imagine declaring the marriage to be a mistake?

Or is it the opposite - that because of whoever he is, money or status or whatever, it was seen as a step up for you? And if so, was that mainly by you or by everyone?

Because I'm wondering whether, if they disapproved of the marriage in the first place, whether you potentially leaving him might actually NOT be the "disaster" you're seeing it as? Maybe a bit humiliating - but you were younger and a different person then.

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Thank you for your kindness. In response to your questions: when you "married out", was that in itself controversial among friends and family? Does the fact that you went ahead and "rebelled" now make it harder to imagine declaring the marriage to be a mistake?
No, it wasn't controversial. I think there was maybe some reservations, because he was a bit of an unknown and from a social group (well off, white British) that we don't see eye to eye with in general, to put it lightly. Maybe a bit of sadness that the right man for me happened to be not from "us". But my whole family thinks he's great, and thinks we're absolutely right for each other.

Or is it the opposite - that because of whoever he is, money or status or whatever, it was seen as a step up for you? And if so, was that mainly by you or by everyone?
I think some definitely will have seen it as a bit of a step "up" or "out" (in a good way) for me. No one's said anything directly like that. I feel astonished, sometimes, at the life I have, but I have no sense of shame about who I am or where I'm from. Just maybe some unease or guilt sometimes that he could have married a nice white British girl from a nice quiet family and had a quieter life!

I don't know that either of those considerations shed any light on things for me or for anyone else. But I suppose it's important to point out that the chaos and volatility is from my side. So his behaviour is likely a product of his marriage to me, in some way if not directly?

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Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:06

Speakeasier · 07/07/2026 12:38

But that’s not justification for violence within the home. Are there not people within your community who manage to protect their family and keep them safe where they should feel most safe - within their family situation.

Two things can be true at once. You might feel your husband’s behaviour is unacceptable and still feel it’s impossible to leave. What you’re continually displaying instead is cognitive dissonance - the changing of facts to avoid an unbearable truth. That’s worse than being honest with yourself- that both your father and your husband have let you down badly.

You can come on here and find a handful of people who buttress your world view or you can acknowledge the truth of the situation and work out how to live with it.

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Are there not people within your community who manage to protect their family and keep them safe where they should feel most safe - within their family situation.
Yes - you're right, of course - there were. Just my dad couldn't, for reasons I do understand.

I do know my husband's behaviour was unacceptable. I have told him that. Of course, it's "acceptable" in the sense that I'll accept it rather than leave, but I've told him it makes me think less of both myself and him.

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Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:08

PetulaGordeno · 07/07/2026 12:51

If you are determined to stay then perhaps your only option is to have a few interests/hobbies which are an outlet for you?
I understand that you don’t want to reveal your community but it’s hard for us to get a picture.
Would you be allowed to join a female-based hobby group outside the home and even outside of your community? It could be anything - yoga, a college class. Because you have a job and you are clearly very intelligent.
It is not the same at all but my mum was brought up in severe poverty, both parents were alcoholics, she was neglected and saw a lot of violence. One thing I do know is that even as a working class woman in the 70’s/80’s when she was expected to be at home, as soon as she her DC were old enough she carved out a life for herself.
My dad wasn’t violent or abusive and he did support her in having her own time, but their marriage wasn’t always easy. But I have distinct memories of her going to night classes, or meeting friends for coffee and she always made sure that she protected those times.
Could you do the same? Because I think your home is now associated with fear. And it’s really bad for a woman’s system in general. Anything which could alleviate those stressors could be a positive step for your own wellbeing?
I am trying to think of ways you could manage your life if leaving is not a possibility.

Thank you but I think you've got the wrong picture of my life. This is where I think people have read about these isolated uncharacteristic outbursts and imagined a whole abusive relationship. I do go to hobbies and see friends and my husband encourages and supports this. My life is almost always completely normal and calm and nice.

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Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:12

groguismychild · 07/07/2026 14:30

Could be widely off the mark but I sense you are from a religious African background and have an inferiority complex and somehow have convinced yourself or been convinced by others in your community and by your husband as well that marrying a White British man means life will be easier for you. Are you looked upon with more respect from your family and wider community because you are with him?

Oh gosh, no - absolutely not my community has a huge amount of pride and had reservations about him for a while exactly because he's white and British. I am very proud of who I am, and have zero sense of ethnic inferiority to him, nor does a single person in my family or community.

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Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:13

OneFineDay22 · 07/07/2026 14:10

I absolutely can think of another community where violence is commonplace, men dominate and the people have strong principles/morals that isn’t travellers. In fact, I can think of more than one. When there is also a strong culture opposing the police, they are usually associated with gangsters. Not a guess. Just saying there are others.

I am going to agree with you that violence can be necessary and even heroic. But that’s not what this thread is about. You’re deflecting to stop yourself from facing the truth.

This thread is about you asking people to reassure you that something unnatural is going to happen to you (in time) - namely that your reasonable fear will “go away”
or “recede” so that you can continue a relationship with an abuser without “being a nervous wreck”. Nobody here can do that.

I’m sorry.

I am going to agree with you that violence can be necessary and even heroic. But that’s not what this thread is about. You’re deflecting to stop yourself from facing the truth.
Yes, I think you're right here tbh.

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Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:15

BunnyLake · 07/07/2026 14:56

Why did you grow up in a traumatic and violent household if your community is governed by very clear principles, huge amounts of integrity and courage in living up to high moral standards? It seems your family went against all these principles and your dh is doing the same.

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The principles I'm describing refer to our dealings with outsiders, and our loyalty to our community, not our individual relationships. Not all principles have to encompass personal or individual rights. You may not share the principles or values, but they are still principles.

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Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:17

groguismychild · 07/07/2026 14:59

I'm sensing he had to convert to marry you and that's why you say he had to go against his own family. In which case divorce is very taboo, especially in muslim communities including the Somali community. The thing is, you wouldn't be spending so much time engaging with others online about this unless deep down you know what's happening to you isn't right or normal.

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No, he didn't, and he didn't "go against" his family exactly. He's not religious, but the religion in his family background is the same as mine. I think it's just stronger bonds with mine led to weaker bonds with his, if that makes sense? I actually feel quite sure his family think I'm lovely!

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PetulaGordeno · 07/07/2026 16:19

If he’s white British has he been brought up in the same community as you?

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:20

relaxitsok · 07/07/2026 15:12

I understand your concern, but how puffin is presenting is very typical of women who have lived with coercive control. And often women don’t act because of their wisdom in appraising the situation- she knows if she were to tell someone, leave, or contact the police, she would experience consequences that feel objectively worse to her than what she has experienced. And who are we to tell her those consequences are not worse, it’s her life.

BUT, I think as you are tentatively acknowledging, puffin, you are making the decision for your children to be exposed to this. What you describe as ‘slow burn’ harm, in my view is the entire formation of their model of relationships. They are learning day in and out that relationships involve fear and control. That men will use their power and might to make their female partner submit. That women fear men. It’s not easy to undo these internal models as an adult - as you are demonstrating very well here. That is unfortunately what you are choosing for your kids.

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Thank you for understanding. I do hear what you're saying, I really do, and @JasmineMac I hear what you're saying too.

In my specific case I feel quite sure that leaving would be much, much worse than staying. I absolutely agree that for many / most women, leaving would be the right thing to do and I don't want anyone to read this and think that because I don't want to leave, similar behaviour from their own partner is ok. I know it's not. But I'm in an unusual position.

I am taking on board the comments about the risks to my kids. They're so beautiful and seem so full of confidence and joy. It makes me feel sick to think I could be doing them harm.

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Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:21

PetulaGordeno · 07/07/2026 16:19

If he’s white British has he been brought up in the same community as you?

No? I'm not White British.

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Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:33

Ooops - total wall of text from me there! I'm so grateful for all of the input here , I really am. I'm trying to respond and consider everything people are saying. I hope that comes across.

I'm also trying not to perpetuate stereotypes about any ethnic groups or imply types of experience I haven't had. I'm white. I'm not British. It's not a cult or a religion. I am very proud of who I am. Please, please I'd prefer if people just didn't guess: why does it matter? I know what I am and can look for tailored support myself if I think it would be useful.

What I came here for was hope that I'd feel better in time. I have had a bit of a wake-up call on that, so thank you for that everyone.

I think I also got something just from being able to tell "someone" what happened. It's been quite validating or something just to have it all written down and have so many responses that don't minimise it or blame me for it. So thank you for that as well.

On the interaction between my marriage and my culture, I think there's more for me to think about to do with 1. that violence is a bit more normalised for me than it should be; 2. just because his behaviour isn't that bad - which I maintain it isn't - doesn't mean it isn't harming my kids; 3. I may be misreading his behaviour through the lens of my own culture, when many of you who I assume are white British are saying this is wayyy outside the bounds of normal for a White British man.

Police and divorce are out of the question. But I'm not just ignoring what's been said. It's a lot and the whole thread just was very intense in a direction I hadn't expected, so I will have to sort of let it settle in my head. But I don't want my kids to be scared in their own home. I know how awful that is, and in their case there's not the same threat from the outside world that I was at least being protected from.

EDIT - just to add someone asked about cPTSD and CSA. No, this didn't happen to me. I think it's a product just of a volatile and violent home, and a lot of violence in the surrounding community (internal, and also external i.e from police etc sometimes). Just bred this kind of fear and basic lack of trust for anyone in me that I don't think will ever go away.

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Janicchoplin · 07/07/2026 16:35

JasmineMac · 07/07/2026 15:01

The thread should be pulled. The OP is lucid and eloquently forthright in her position, and isn't interested in replies attesting that yes, she will continue to fear her husband's outbursts.

This is a public forum, and I can't imagine this chat will benefit any lurkers who are in abusive relationships. It's an entirely pointless but potentially persuasive, in an entirely unwise and unhelpful way, discussion.

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Yrs im highly questioning thr futility of this thread. It does not make sense at all.

Emilesgran · 07/07/2026 16:37

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:04

Thank you for your kindness. In response to your questions: when you "married out", was that in itself controversial among friends and family? Does the fact that you went ahead and "rebelled" now make it harder to imagine declaring the marriage to be a mistake?
No, it wasn't controversial. I think there was maybe some reservations, because he was a bit of an unknown and from a social group (well off, white British) that we don't see eye to eye with in general, to put it lightly. Maybe a bit of sadness that the right man for me happened to be not from "us". But my whole family thinks he's great, and thinks we're absolutely right for each other.

Or is it the opposite - that because of whoever he is, money or status or whatever, it was seen as a step up for you? And if so, was that mainly by you or by everyone?
I think some definitely will have seen it as a bit of a step "up" or "out" (in a good way) for me. No one's said anything directly like that. I feel astonished, sometimes, at the life I have, but I have no sense of shame about who I am or where I'm from. Just maybe some unease or guilt sometimes that he could have married a nice white British girl from a nice quiet family and had a quieter life!

I don't know that either of those considerations shed any light on things for me or for anyone else. But I suppose it's important to point out that the chaos and volatility is from my side. So his behaviour is likely a product of his marriage to me, in some way if not directly?

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Just maybe some unease or guilt sometimes that he could have married a nice white British girl from a nice quiet family and had a quieter life!

No, don't take the blame for this: He can control his behaviour - he shows that by NOT doing it in front of the children or in public. That's entirely on him.

But I suppose it's important to point out that the chaos and volatility is from my side. So his behaviour is likely a product of his marriage to me, in some way if not directly?

I don't accept this - he didn't grow up with it so his character hasn't been "formed" by it. He allows himself to act like that because he knows he can use the blame card and put it all on you (or your family), and not on himself. But I don't believe that's right. If he cared to, he would do the exact opposite: protect you from that chaos by being different from it. Instead he's using it to control you. I don't know if it's what he intended to do at the beginning - quite possibly not - but it's the dynamic that he has put in place since then. And making you keep silent about it shows that he knows it's not right.

Can you talk to sisters or female friends about this?

Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:39

Can I ask please not to have the thread deleted? Please. It is so useful to me and I will read over it again and again. I really will. I have done with previous threads and it was another thread that got me to speak to women's aid in the first place.

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Original poster

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:41

Emilesgran · 07/07/2026 16:37

Just maybe some unease or guilt sometimes that he could have married a nice white British girl from a nice quiet family and had a quieter life!

No, don't take the blame for this: He can control his behaviour - he shows that by NOT doing it in front of the children or in public. That's entirely on him.

But I suppose it's important to point out that the chaos and volatility is from my side. So his behaviour is likely a product of his marriage to me, in some way if not directly?

I don't accept this - he didn't grow up with it so his character hasn't been "formed" by it. He allows himself to act like that because he knows he can use the blame card and put it all on you (or your family), and not on himself. But I don't believe that's right. If he cared to, he would do the exact opposite: protect you from that chaos by being different from it. Instead he's using it to control you. I don't know if it's what he intended to do at the beginning - quite possibly not - but it's the dynamic that he has put in place since then. And making you keep silent about it shows that he knows it's not right.

Can you talk to sisters or female friends about this?

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No, I don't think I can. I don't have any female friends who aren't also his friends, except ones who I don't feel close enough to to tell anything like this. And my sister isn't really in a position to help. I think she'd blame me tbh.

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BunnyLake · 07/07/2026 16:53

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:15

The principles I'm describing refer to our dealings with outsiders, and our loyalty to our community, not our individual relationships. Not all principles have to encompass personal or individual rights. You may not share the principles or values, but they are still principles.

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Charity begins at home as they say and I think integrity and morals should too. Your family and your dh unfortunately have not adhered to those principles in their own homes and the results have been you’ve suffered because of it. If you’re the community I think you are then divorce is probably quite rare (but not unheard of it). The structure of the community probably means it’s difficult for the women to branch out on their own and become financially independent. I hope things get better for you.

Heatwaveconfusion · 07/07/2026 16:59

I understand that it is hard for you to explain all of the barriers that stop you from considering divorce. Could you please consider how you can remove those barriers for your daughter's?

I get the impression that you feel trapped. Not entirely but somethings are not a choice for you. Please try to give your children these choices.

I don't know what level you took your education to. You are clearly intelligent. Can you help your children take theirs further? It can give more financial freedom and potential choices.

PetulaGordeno · 07/07/2026 17:11

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:21

No? I'm not White British.

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I am just trying to work things out as it’s like putting a jigsaw together.
So he’s a white British man with an abusive anger problem. It’s not specific to a community he’s been brought in, it’s who he is.
Now I’m not saying White British men aren’t abusive, these boards are full of them.
So I am assuming if you left him the judgement would come from your community/family and not his background?

Jane379 · 07/07/2026 17:19

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 11:45

I absolutely wouldn't speak to someone at work about this. The thought makes me very anxious! Wouldn't that be seen as really unprofessional?

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No, OP, not if you have no one else you can talk to irl.

Jane379 · 07/07/2026 17:20

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:41

No, I don't think I can. I don't have any female friends who aren't also his friends, except ones who I don't feel close enough to to tell anything like this. And my sister isn't really in a position to help. I think she'd blame me tbh.

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Why would your sister blame you? There's no excuse for acting the way you described in earlier posts. 💐

Jane379 · 07/07/2026 17:21

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 16:39

Can I ask please not to have the thread deleted? Please. It is so useful to me and I will read over it again and again. I really will. I have done with previous threads and it was another thread that got me to speak to women's aid in the first place.

Please keep using MN, they should leave this thread. This kind of situation is one of the most important reasons MN should exist...

Sending a 🫂.

groguismychild · 07/07/2026 17:25

I'm thoroughly confused, you first said you were not white, that you were from a marginalised community, then you said no you were not from the traveller community, nor south Asian, nor Black and now you are saying you are white. I think you are purposely changing the narrative. I'm starting to doubt this is a genuine person.

Jane379 · 07/07/2026 17:33

Puffinsandcoffee · 07/07/2026 12:33

Can you really not imagine a closed, male-dominated community with drug and violence issues that isn't travellers. Eton could be described in exactly the same terms (though I'm happy to confirm, it's not Eton 😂)

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I know you're being partly facetious here but surely you can see Eton isn't an equivalent? Boys' boarding schools were definitely violent in the past but the culture is very different in most now, including Eton