Hi OP, I’ve read all your entries on this post and have occasionally, under various usernames, shared a bit of my story when such a topic comes up on mumsnet. First, I am really sorry you sometimes feel scared in your own home. I am also 100% sure you are doing everything you can (you personally and in your own life situation), to protect your children and family.
I am not white British, but I am white, the daughter of migrants to a different European country. Migrants from a country that wasn’t usually taken that seriously by the police. Migrants from a more misogynistic culture than the one I grew up in, where family issues are not talked about, where women are treated differently than men, where it’s ok to use a bit of force and create fear towards your wife. People who say “it’s not that bad” a lot.
My mum was / is you. Me and my siblings have lived in your exact setup. My mum has always said our dad is a brilliant, hard-working, kind and caring man. And he is. All of those things. He is also abusive, and scary. Which for me, cancels out the good. For most of my family, it doesn’t. He’s still a great man in their eyes. My mum says it’s not that bad. My mum says it’s silly to fear him. Which you have also said a few times. My mum swore we weren’t exposed to much when we were younger (I assume your kids’ ages).
We come from a closed community, both culturally and religiously. Divorce doesn’t exist. If it happens, the woman is usually shamed and people talk about how it didn’t seem bad enough for her to leave him. We are all white, we are all European, we are all Christian. Yet somehow, there is a big divide in values and identity that outsiders don’t fully get, so I think I understand you. Through the lens of my parents and my own experiences, I think I get it.
Will the fear go away? No. Are your children scared? Yes. I never told my mum I was so scared, until I was almost grown-up. I must’ve been 16-17 when I first put it into words - when I left home. My mum is the bravest woman I have ever met. She inadvertently gave us a whole new set of (good) values, which means I can NOW say my dad is abusive. I can now say their relationship is not good. It’s not loving. I will NEVER tolerate what my mum did.
My kids behave in ways I wouldn't have dreamt of - they're just not scared the way I was. They’re scared differently. You said this upthread and I immediately felt for your kids. I don’t know if they’re holding it in, or crying in secret… We did a mixture of both. You say he shouts or calls you names after the kids are in bed. We used to wake up and hear the screaming, or the names, even if they were shushed. We didn’t tell mum in the morning because we didn’t want to upset her further.
My dad never slapped or punched my mum. But he got angry and kicked a door in once. He also threw a hoover at my mum once. It didn’t hit her, so “not that bad”. However, I can now understand it was physical abuse. Because I was so scared, seeing that. Perhaps your kids are not fearing what you did with your own dad. But they didn’t come into this world prepared for “a bit of shouting” and all the other things your husband does. A bit of abuse still scares them. Doesn’t have to be a whole lot for them to feel scared. Even if they’re not telling you. They look up to you and don’t see you reacting, so they try to convince themselves they shouldn’t be scared of XYZ dad does. They will one day, put up with the shouting and door kicking because they learnt from you to fight their instincts, fight against being scared.
If a stranger came into your home and kicked doors or got angry and shouted at your kids, would you allow that? Why is it wrong if a random man does it, but not so bad if it’s their dad?
Your fears aren’t silly. His behaviour isn’t normal. His behaviour isn’t your fault!!! Your husband IS abusive. My mother never left hers. I don’t think she ever will. She lives with a muted fear and sadness.
I don’t have that fear and sadness anymore, because I cut off my dad a while back. I don’t see my mum as often anymore, because she’s loyal to him first. He’s not currently “too abusive”, so she’s okay, but we really miss each other.
If your children cut their dad off from their lives in 10 or 20 years time, would you consider it silly? Would you take their side or your husband’s? Would you understand it?
I speak to my colleagues at work about what my dad did. It’s not unprofessional at all. I obviously only speak with trusted people, who I could even consider friends. It’s okay to talk about it. If you don’t talk about these things, mindsets like yours develop. That it’s okay to be scared by your husband’s anger, that it’s not enough to leave him, that he’s still a good dad.
I wish you all the best OP. Whatever you do, stay strong for your children. TELL THEM what their dad does isn’t okay. My mum started saying that when we were teens. We learnt never, ever to tolerate any abuse or anger. No matter whose fault it is.