AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

I've not read the entire thread OP just your posts. A couple of observations/comments.

Are you bringing up your DC as white British or as whatever your ethnicity is?

Your DH is white British, is he seeing anger and aggressive behavior as acceptable in your community and therefore in your life?

Just because he's not yet as bad as your dad doesn't mean he won't escalate. You say you've been together 20 years but isn't his anger escalating if he only started to kick doors 12 months ago.

How do you explain to your DC the property damage? They may not see him kicking and shouting but unless you are fixing doors and walls immediately they will surely ask questions?

Lying to them.is understandable but I think you are lying to yourself too.

You will always be scared of him. You will always be on egg shells so not to provoke him.

You need to ask why? Because you know he could do it again. Because you know it could be worse.

I'm pretty sure OP is from the traveller community, and that she's genuine. I engaged at length with her on another thread and that was my impression.

I'd rather we err on the side she's genuine because if these posts are true she's in a dangerous situation.

Several white Eastern European Catholic communities spring to mind.

She said she’s not white British. And if she wants to be evasive about her culture then that’s up to her. It’s not really relevant what her culture is. People from any culture could have been raised by an abusive father then later find themselves in an abusive relationship and feel for many reasons that they are unable to leave. She has only mentioned it to explain her complex feelings about not wanting to leave despite knowing this will be the most common advice.

But earlier she said her family wasn't sure about her husband because he was white, and also British. If you were white yourself you would say my family weren't sure because he was British. You wouldn't call out the fact that it was also because he was white.

Op, earlier in the thread didn't you say your father made you afraid? And I think in the other thread where we talked, you said he was very controlling (apologies if I'm wrong).

I understand your father did some good things for you but you shouldn't underplay the negative things he did. If he was controlling and made you afraid and then you went straight into a relationship with your husband as soon as you grew up, you have had no other model of relationships.

This is violent behaviour that could have done you serious physical harm (and others - taking his rage out in dangerous driving could kill someone - you, or someone else). The fact that you are frightened to let him know he frightens you says that he is more than capable of this again. What about your children? This is a dangerous man who is not able to control himself. Why isn't it possible to leave him?

You mean Polish? I don't think they are closed in the same way (I'm part Polish) as the one I think OP is in, but it's possible.

I don't think they tend to have the kind of difficulties with the police that OP mentioned though.

But it is relevant especially as it's been mentioned so many times how it's the most marginalised community. The most marginalised community is not white Eastern Europeans in the UK. It is Roma and traveller communities.

Depending on where in the country you are the particular police do have their own cultures of racism that might target any or all other ethnicities. Another possibility is that OP’s family are all members of the IRA or some other specific group. It doesn’t really matter imo.

That's good, however you say your close friends are also his friends which isn't ideal if you need to confide in them, as you said.

However, even if your closest friends are mutual friends with him, they might still listen if they knew how scared you are.

But overall I think it's probably better you speak to a person not connected with the situation. Try and speak to Women's Aid or Refuge.

I agree overall but I think it does matter what country. I'm pretty sure OP is in the UK.

OP, are you in the UK? I thought you were...if you can say, I think that's relevant.

Weird thread to be still standing. Not keen on the prejudices against Polish communities upthread.

Ultimately op needs to do what she needs to do. It all comes across as very self centred, especially to be an apologist for violence. Most odd.

If OP is traveller, most UK Irish Travellers don't speak fluent Shelta, so it would make sense for her to sound like a first-language English speaker.

Ultimately op needs to do what she needs to do. It all comes across as very self centred, especially to be an apologist for violence. Most odd.

• I don't think OP's self centred. I think she's been raised to have skewed expectations and an abuser is manipulating that.

I am part Polish and wasn't aware of higher DV stats but if that's what poster observed in her local community, that's not prejudice. Ay least some surveys in Poland itself have shown high DV rates.

I’m don’t mean to be rude, but your mother failed you as a parent.

I wasn't thinking Polish

This is such a baffling thread. No police no divorce no leaving but I'm scared my kids may well be affected he's lovely he has a bad temper he's smashed doors in he's sorry he wont do it again he's done it lots.....no police no divorce I'm scared.....ad finitum..What's the actual point? What have I missed?

I understand people in your community have valid reasons to fear the police.

Can I ask though: what happens hypothetically if someone in your community were attacked, or sexually assaulted by someone from outside the community? If you can't go to the police, how can you get justice?

Moreover, your husband is not from your community. So the police wouldn't discriminate against him for his ethnicity since as you say, he's white British.

. I am not romanticising giving the police a bit of lip,

• what do you mean by 'a bit of lip'?

Right. I don't see why it matters, I really dont. But would it put the debate to rest and make people feel I was genuine and not anti-Polish etc if I said that Irish traveller is a good guess?

But I'm expecting that any replies I might get now will just be about that. Criminality is not an identity, you lot deserve what you get, it's optional, just leave and integrate. You are White British it's just a lifestyle and a bad one at that.

I haven't said that's what I am. Just, all the features of my community relevant to the issue of the thread, you can think Irish travellers. This is intended to be helpful since it seems that the specifics are important even if I can't see why. I am genuine. I do feel lost and stupid. This forum has helped me before.

Yes I am. Thank you for your kind posts here btw.

I'll reply to other questions later. I really am sorry if I come across as self centered or an apologist for violence or trauma dumping. I just need a bit of help understanding this situation and figuring out where I'm seeing wrong.

I don't think anyone means offence. You were/are vague. Understandably you don't want anyone to figure out who you are in real life. I get that. But drip feeding is a sure fire way to annoy people.

Asking questions etc for people to answer when they don't have the full story isn't getting you the answers you want.

Your married to a white British man
Your not white. You have a religion similar to his. You have a community.

My first thought was African with a closed off community that doesn't bother with anyone outside of that. You met a white guy. I mean just the term white guy brought me to that conclusion.
But thank you for the follow up drip.

Are you bringing up your DC as white British or as whatever your ethnicity is?
Mine.

Your DH is white British, is he seeing anger and aggressive behavior as acceptable in your community and therefore in your life?
I don't know tbh. It's possible. It's become normalised by the environment he's spent most time in i.e around my family, not his own, for most of our relationship?

How do you explain to your DC the property damage? They may not see him kicking and shouting but unless you are fixing doors and walls immediately they will surely ask questions?
They were tiny when this happened. The oldest wasn't even 7 I think. They never asked.