AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

Of course it's intense and upsetting; you had this image of what your life was like, and it's been totally obliterated. Anyone in the same position would feel like that. But it is important to acknowledge that your husband is making your cPTSD progressively worse, through his own actions, not better. Take some time away if that's what you need. But please don't stop opening your eyes. We will be here if/when you need us 💐

I think some posters come on here just to find someone they can tell off and make them feel superior. I hope you have found the support here outweighs the negativity.

I know how difficult it can be to even see this stuff, let alone to act on it (especially after being raised in a dysfunctional or abusive family). So you should feel proud of the progress you’ve already made, and are still making. Nobody is perfect, nobody’s relationship is perfect - all we can do is work on it, work on ourselves and hopefully show our kids what to aim for.

I will caveat that though with saying that the more we can be honest with ourselves and our kids about what’s acceptable, what’s really at the root of certain behaviours etc, the better. Burying our heads in the sand and calling it good when something isn’t working won’t serve them - I’m not saying you’re doing that, and it’s actually possible that people that are giving you a hard time are doing that themselves!

They also don't have the full picture. They don't know OP has CPTSD. I know she doesn't want to tell them, and that's OK, but that makes his behaviour even worse as he knows OP is vulnerable and has gone out of his way to scare her.

Not sure why you're getting pissy with people giving you advice that will benefit you and your children. If you don't want to take steps to help yourself and them, then that's your choice, but either don't post any more, or accept that people are going to have an opinion.

he was in prison for acts of honour that happened to be against the law.

• I understand if not, but may I ask if this was a violent act? And whatever it was, was it motivated by desire for retribution for some wrong/crime?

If so, I can sympathise with feeling the police/justice system were biased so the only way to get protection was to take the law into one's own hands .

But the danger of this is that from an outside perspective, how can you know if someone who takes the law into their own hands was acting justly or not, without investigating? I understand that your relative was acting in response to a wrong but the danger is that if everyone did this, we wouldn't have the rule of law. I know you said later that this rarer now, and that's good there's more trust in other means now.

This.

I wish these people realised their comments are proof my dad was right

• right about what, if I can ask? (I understand if not)

I’d be an anxious wreck having experienced this. You’re minimising because you’re desperate to make it OK because you don’t want to leave. Don’t want or can’t see a life without him because it’s been so long? I wonder.

this is not olk. It’s not minimal and it’s not normal and he has a rage that will one day hurt you in the ways your body already fears and your brain is desperately trying to protect itself from admitting.

you are not safe, because he is not safe. Maybe it doesn’t feel this way because it isn’t all the time, every minute. But the risk persists and that is why you cannot shift this nervousness. You are waiting for what you know for be true to reveal itself.

please don’t waste your one precious life like this. Be safe and get out, carefully and quietly.

You’re out of order. You’ve minimised his behaviour to women who have been abused so in effect you’re telling them that they were not… you are obviously very damaged by what you’ve been subjected to and if your family thinks it’s shameful to leave a man who punches holes in the walls, calls you horrible names and has you walking on egg shells then I think your judgement of them is extremely wrong. Was it your dad who was abusive? What was their view of that I wonder?

your family are effed up. Your dad abused you to the extent you have cpstd and nobody speaks about it. They clearly know about it and yet they stood by and watched a child being abused and you value their opinion on what is acceptable behaviour towards women and children? Really? Yes they won’t tell you to leave as their bar is on the floor. They didn’t help you as a child so you know fine well they won’t support you now. That’s harsh but it’s the truth. Please speak to women’s aid because your continued defence of this scum of a man is triggering women who have been subjected to abuse. Hitting walls, breaking down doors and shouting is abuse. If you choose to stay then I suggest you stop posting as nobody is going to tell you his behavior is ok

You’ve minimised his behaviour to women who have been abused so in effect you’re telling them that they were not

Excuse me, but making an accusation like this is extremely wrong. The OP is expressing how she feels about herself and her life on this thread.

She cannot express her feelings if all along they are supposed to be adapted to successfully aid other abused women she is now apparently responsible for..

Feeling responsible for everyone else may well already be why she has come to find herself feeling and behaving as she does.

She was being snarky to a woman and said “. I can only imagine how much harder it has been for you, who's had to read a bit about it. Thoughts and prayers.”.

That woman may have cptsd from abuse herself and there was no need for that snark. Lots of women have tried to help but she’s in complete denial. Her family should not be on the pedestal after watching her abuse as a child - I feel for her but she needs to be told her families opinion is worthless as nobody even mentions what her dad did to her let alone try to stop it. I hope she gets help but she’s bang out of order with the snark to the woman trying to wake her up.

I’m unfollowing this post now. I do not blame you for anything that has happened to you but it’s extremely triggering for people who experienced “less” than this. I really hope you find the strength and support you deserve.

They clearly know about it and yet they stood by and watched a child being abused

• to be fair to OP, she has expressed more positive opinions about her extended family than her mother and sister, if I understand rightly. Maybe these extended family had problems intervening. It's not an excuse but I seems like her whole community are extremely afraid of the police (with some experience of persecution it seems) so I suppose they may not have known who to go to.

Or maybe they did intervene & help OP? We need more info before we can judge.