AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

Of course it's intense and upsetting; you had this image of what your life was like, and it's been totally obliterated. Anyone in the same position would feel like that. But it is important to acknowledge that your husband is making your cPTSD progressively worse, through his own actions, not better. Take some time away if that's what you need. But please don't stop opening your eyes. We will be here if/when you need us 💐

I think some posters come on here just to find someone they can tell off and make them feel superior. I hope you have found the support here outweighs the negativity.

I know how difficult it can be to even see this stuff, let alone to act on it (especially after being raised in a dysfunctional or abusive family). So you should feel proud of the progress you’ve already made, and are still making. Nobody is perfect, nobody’s relationship is perfect - all we can do is work on it, work on ourselves and hopefully show our kids what to aim for.

I will caveat that though with saying that the more we can be honest with ourselves and our kids about what’s acceptable, what’s really at the root of certain behaviours etc, the better. Burying our heads in the sand and calling it good when something isn’t working won’t serve them - I’m not saying you’re doing that, and it’s actually possible that people that are giving you a hard time are doing that themselves!

They also don't have the full picture. They don't know OP has CPTSD. I know she doesn't want to tell them, and that's OK, but that makes his behaviour even worse as he knows OP is vulnerable and has gone out of his way to scare her.

Not sure why you're getting pissy with people giving you advice that will benefit you and your children. If you don't want to take steps to help yourself and them, then that's your choice, but either don't post any more, or accept that people are going to have an opinion.

he was in prison for acts of honour that happened to be against the law.

• I understand if not, but may I ask if this was a violent act? And whatever it was, was it motivated by desire for retribution for some wrong/crime?

If so, I can sympathise with feeling the police/justice system were biased so the only way to get protection was to take the law into one's own hands .

But the danger of this is that from an outside perspective, how can you know if someone who takes the law into their own hands was acting justly or not, without investigating? I understand that your relative was acting in response to a wrong but the danger is that if everyone did this, we wouldn't have the rule of law. I know you said later that this rarer now, and that's good there's more trust in other means now.

This.

I wish these people realised their comments are proof my dad was right

• right about what, if I can ask? (I understand if not)

I’d be an anxious wreck having experienced this. You’re minimising because you’re desperate to make it OK because you don’t want to leave. Don’t want or can’t see a life without him because it’s been so long? I wonder.

this is not olk. It’s not minimal and it’s not normal and he has a rage that will one day hurt you in the ways your body already fears and your brain is desperately trying to protect itself from admitting.

you are not safe, because he is not safe. Maybe it doesn’t feel this way because it isn’t all the time, every minute. But the risk persists and that is why you cannot shift this nervousness. You are waiting for what you know for be true to reveal itself.

please don’t waste your one precious life like this. Be safe and get out, carefully and quietly.

You’re out of order. You’ve minimised his behaviour to women who have been abused so in effect you’re telling them that they were not… you are obviously very damaged by what you’ve been subjected to and if your family thinks it’s shameful to leave a man who punches holes in the walls, calls you horrible names and has you walking on egg shells then I think your judgement of them is extremely wrong. Was it your dad who was abusive? What was their view of that I wonder?

your family are effed up. Your dad abused you to the extent you have cpstd and nobody speaks about it. They clearly know about it and yet they stood by and watched a child being abused and you value their opinion on what is acceptable behaviour towards women and children? Really? Yes they won’t tell you to leave as their bar is on the floor. They didn’t help you as a child so you know fine well they won’t support you now. That’s harsh but it’s the truth. Please speak to women’s aid because your continued defence of this scum of a man is triggering women who have been subjected to abuse. Hitting walls, breaking down doors and shouting is abuse. If you choose to stay then I suggest you stop posting as nobody is going to tell you his behavior is ok

You’ve minimised his behaviour to women who have been abused so in effect you’re telling them that they were not

Excuse me, but making an accusation like this is extremely wrong. The OP is expressing how she feels about herself and her life on this thread.

She cannot express her feelings if all along they are supposed to be adapted to successfully aid other abused women she is now apparently responsible for..

Feeling responsible for everyone else may well already be why she has come to find herself feeling and behaving as she does.

She was being snarky to a woman and said “. I can only imagine how much harder it has been for you, who's had to read a bit about it. Thoughts and prayers.”.

That woman may have cptsd from abuse herself and there was no need for that snark. Lots of women have tried to help but she’s in complete denial. Her family should not be on the pedestal after watching her abuse as a child - I feel for her but she needs to be told her families opinion is worthless as nobody even mentions what her dad did to her let alone try to stop it. I hope she gets help but she’s bang out of order with the snark to the woman trying to wake her up.

I’m unfollowing this post now. I do not blame you for anything that has happened to you but it’s extremely triggering for people who experienced “less” than this. I really hope you find the strength and support you deserve.

They clearly know about it and yet they stood by and watched a child being abused

• to be fair to OP, she has expressed more positive opinions about her extended family than her mother and sister, if I understand rightly. Maybe these extended family had problems intervening. It's not an excuse but I seems like her whole community are extremely afraid of the police (with some experience of persecution it seems) so I suppose they may not have known who to go to.

Or maybe they did intervene & help OP? We need more info before we can judge.

I’ve thought over stuff since I last posted and I’ve re-read the whole thread. Thank you to so many posters who replied with thoughtful and kind comments that I might have missed when I was replying actively: there was a lot more responses than I expected and I overlooked some really helpful posts. I’ve read everything now, and I am so grateful that people have taken the time to talk through their perspectives on all of this with me. It’s made a huge difference.

I’ll just really quickly respond to a few questions that came up after my last post. First, yes, my dad had a very severe and chronic addiction. Second, it's difficult to overstate just how difficult it would have been for anyone to do anything about what that addiction did to us as kids in the house. Without getting into why, it really wasn't possible and I have no anger towards anyone about that. Third, I know some people have felt frustrated or misled about what I am. If you think I’m being dishonest, please assume that it’s because the truth puts me at risk. I obviously can't prove this, but it absolutely might.

As some evidence of part of the risk: some posters could barely hide the hatred they felt towards me, even when I was describing abuse and asking for help. When I said all that was proof my dad was right, what I meant was he warned me: “that lot” hate us, and they always will, so do not trust them. I really do think he was right about that. The message I got from some posters was: act like you’re one of us, if you can’t do that be apologetic about it, and if you won’t do that fuck off. My experiences or my opinions or my tone might upset someone else, and ultimately, that’s what really matters here.

This is what minority women fear from “outsiders”. There were parts of this thread that really helped me, but despite that I’m clearer than ever on why we keep this stuff within the community.

So, that’s my next step. I am still planning to speak to some women in my family next time I see them. I don’t really know what will come of the conversation or even what I want. But I can see now that this whole situation is one I’d like my family’s thoughts on, because I don’t know what the right thing to do is, and I think the wisdom and moral authority of these women would be the best thing for me to look for now.

Finally, absolutely nothing I’ve said or experienced should be taken as an endorsement of "honour killings" or "honour beatings" or any sort of violence against women. That's not even slightly connected to the community justice I'm talking about, or even the values I'm trying to live by. It’s vile, and even I think you may well be better off with the police.

I’m not going to pretend that racism doesn’t exist (in all directions) but I think it would be sad if your greatest take away from this is that you feel stronger than ever that people from outside your community hate you/don’t care. A few posters may have said ignorant or judgemental things, but that happens on literally every thread here. It’s not specific to your community (whatever that is) at all.

So, that’s my next step. I am still planning to speak to some women in my family next time I see them. I don’t really know what will come of the conversation or even what I want. But I can see now that this whole situation is one I’d like my family’s thoughts on, because I don’t know what the right thing to do is, and I think the wisdom and moral authority of these women would be the best thing for me to look for now.

With all due respect OP, I think the women in your family will have a biased view of your situation due to the normalities and cultures within your community.

If you want non-judgemental and non-biased advice I’d urge you to speak to WomensAid or any other domestic abuse charity.

I hope all works out for you.

I know you haven’t specified that you’re from a republican family but having read all your posts this evening, I have been strongly reminded of Milkman by Anna Burns - for anyone who has read it hopefully you’ll get what I mean! I think it’s the sense of an intelligent woman being completely penned in by her surroundings/circumstances.

My main question, and apologies if it has been asked but I couldn’t see a response to it if so - you have said divorce is an absolute no based on your husband’s behaviour up to now - do you have a threshold in mind at which that might become an option on the table? Physical violence causing you harm? An incident witnessed by the children? None of us can say if the situation will escalate or not, but having some idea of your boundaries might prove helpful, or be something could explore with your therapist.

One other thought - you cited the stress your husband has been under as a determining factor in these escalations, but at least one male poster has pointed out that he would not react this way when under stress - that this is a choice your husband is making, knowing your history and state of mind. Particularly as he apparently has not had the social conditioning seen in your own family.

That's not quite what I meant - it was more positive than that - more that my community probably has everything I need to resolve this, so I have no need to go "outside" and face the risk of hatred or hostile ignorance and white feminism (I know not specific to my community, though I think there's hostility towards us even among people who are otherwise anti-racist).

You're definitely right that it's only a minority of posters, and I am so grateful for the kindness and support from most of you (including you - your posts have been really helpful). And, I am aware that I probably have more distrust than is justified. That's going to have to be a work in progress though...

Thank you. I am conscious of this and I think someone had already pointed out that women from my family have reason for saying all of this is "fine" and I should stay.

I've thought really carefully about who to talk to. I'll be speaking to two women my own age. One of them is an "outsider" like my husband. They both understand the context really well (the sort of family I'm from, the view of the police etc). I have all the posts here in the picture when I talk to them. I think it's unlikely they'll tell me to leave him, in all honesty, but when I imagine telling them I realise it is all pretty bad and I think they won't be minimising it the way I have.

Thank you. I don't think I have a specific threshold. If he hit one of our kids, I think that would be the end. I used to think if he hit me, but honestly I doubt now that I'd leave if it was just me he hit, unless it was in front of our kids. I know that's not good. I'm not sure there's anything he could do to me that would make me leave him. Obv if he tried to kill me or something, I'd leave, but I don't think he could or would do something like that. It does worry me that maybe over time my threshold has lifted so that maybe I'm already accepting things I wouldn't have done at the start of the relationship.

The stress has just meant he's more likely to lose his temper. I know it's not something all men do. I don't know that it's a conscious choice though. He's not controlling - he just has a short temper. I don't really understand why he's done all this stuff, but since it's so in keeping with what other men in my family do, it seems fair to think it's at least partly, indirectly, my fault. I am very difficult to live with, I think I probably haven't been clear enough on that. I know it doesn't justify what he's done, but I wonder if other men might react in a similar way if they'd had his life for the past 20 years.

People aren't having a pop because they are against your community.
They're simply trying to impress on you that in 2026, there isnt room for "context" or understanding cultural subtleties when violence is concerned. It doesn't matter how things work inside your community: you should not be living in fear, and you ARE living in fear - your body knows it even if your mind refuses it

They're simply trying to impress on you that in 2026, there isnt room for "context" or understanding cultural subtleties when violence is concerned.

There absolutely is, but we're not going to agree on that. How it relates to my husband's behaviour is less clear though, I do see that.

I know I'm living in fear. It surprised me how many of you disagreed with me saying that all men are scary. I still think that's the case, and that some of my fear is from what I've seen other men do or what I know they've done.

I know I still don't have a clear understanding of how these things all separate out. The women who've married in to my family will hopefully be able to help with that. Are they afraid of their husbands? Why/ why not? Do their husbands ever kick doors or swear at them? That kind of thing will help me see what's arising from the wider context and what's specific to my relationship. And I think there might be something positive for me just in letting someone know what's happened.

You need to do whats right for you. You're a very articulate and thoughtful woman, I hope you find your solution

I agree. There are always people on these threads trying to bully women they think are in abusive relationships to follow their advice instead of going at her own pace and doing whatever she is comfortable with. Most of them have good intentions, but what’s that saying? The road to hell is paved with good intentions?

I hope the advice from your community, or the outsiders you’re planning on talking to, is helpful. I do think at the very least having other people aware will make a difference.