AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

What makes you so sure that isn't the intent? And if that isn't the intent, what is?

When he was trying to smash down your bathroom door to get to you, what was the intent there? What was the purpose of his actions if not to scare the ever living crap out of you?

If a person is an alcoholic, and they have a child, and when they get drunk they forget the needs of their child and respond to their child’s questions with anger (just because they’re drunk and misunderstand something) their intent is not to neglect and frighten their child, but the impact on the child is the same as if it was.

Whether or not it is deliberate, damage being done to the child includes being made to feel afraid and having their needs disregarded - whether these needs are physical or emotional. I do understand that it’s harder to see emotional damage a lot of the time than physical damage but it’s no less important.

The thing that stands out to me is that you have made him aware of the effect of his behaviour on you and he has tried to convince you that this is your problem. Instead of acknowledging the perfectly reasonable response you have had is because of his behaviour.

It’s like the alcoholic saying “Oh I see my child is malnourished and terrified of me, but I’m just blowing off steam and I would never hurt them on purpose - they should just feed themselves and ignore my angry outbursts when I’m drunk.” When what they should say is “I am sorry for making you feel scared when I’m drunk, I am obviously neglecting your needs when I am in this state without being aware of it. I need to change my behaviour to ensure your needs are being met.”

Why did he smash the bathroom door in?

To show OP,

”Don’t you dare lock me out! If you think you can shut yourself off from me, you have another think coming.”

OP, as someone else said, for a white British man ( any man of any colour with supposed British values that aren’t football hooligan drunken ones) this definitely comes across not just as blowing off steam but, rather, actually intended to intimidate you.

It is like, “The Taming of the Shrew” ( which was originally Italian).

I don't know. The questions make me sad. I realise that's pointing to the answer.

But I don't think he's ever given me rules or requirements or vetos on anything. He never stops me seeing friends , never withholds access to money. In all honesty he does show some disapproval of say, if I'm scrolling my phone and he thinks I shouldn't, or some TV shows or articles he will tell me to stop watching/ reading, but that's eg upsetting content ie to protect me I think. And he definitely has pretty strong preferences for who I socialise with, but that's because I'm (clearly) not the best judge of character and have had some pretty shitty friends. I'm just saying all this to be honest like not misrepresent stuff, to air the thoughts I'm having. I don't really feel like any of that is controlling behaviour as it's coming from a really good place. And he'd never stop me, just has preferences he expresses.

Can you tell us about the times he has smashed doors - what do you remember about what led to it? I understand you don’t remember what happened after he got in, (which is a little bit concerning but if you can’t remember you can’t remember), otherwise I’d be interested in this too.

Can you tell us more about the fear you experience in general (that was the reason you started the thread) and examples of how you change your behaviour to stop it from escalating?

He doesn’t fit the idea you have in your mind of an abusive person. But you’re here because of your fear, so it might be helpful to talk about that - not about whether or not he fits an image of an abuser, but what you’re actually struggling with.

So yeah, honestly I think you and @VimesandhisCardboardBoots are right, I think that time he did just want to scare me and show me I couldn't hide in the bathroom (which is what I've done before) because he could get in there too if he wants.

I've been trying to think when that was, and I think it's probably 2 years ago. Definitely not within the past year. And punching a wall, would be over a year ago as well. I think within the past year he did punch a door. The past 6 months, he's not done anything like that at all even though things are v stressful for him at the moment.

Again I'm just airing stuff here, just want to be honest. I think this is the behaviour people find concerning and I'm not worried at all about it. I really do think men do this and it's in a separate category from hitting people. I know men who hit people but not objects (I'd say my dad was in that category), and men who hit objects but not people.

You’re in complete denial about his behaviour. If you’d said he was like this 20 years ago that could be different (although past behaviour always is an indicator of potential future behaviour… yes people can change but I’d want more than 6 months free of violence ).. but it’s recent and you’re more concerned about what others think of you. This is not an attack on you - you’re displaying effects of trauma but please don’t expect others to say it’s ok for a man to behave like this because it’s more than a year ago because it’s clear you actually know this.

Ive been trying to remember what was happening before those times but I can't specifically. I do know something really stressful was going on (don't want to say what) and was dragging on badly. He'd been doing everything to keep the stress from me but it affected us both so he couldn't completely do that. (Not money stress or to do with anything he'd done). Beyond that, what the trigger was I don't know, but it will have been an argument or me behaving in an unhelpful way, maybe ruminating or endlessly looking for reassurance or something?

My only specific memories are of being in the corner of the room with my back to the door, kind of crouched down, hands over ears etc. crying a bit but not out loud, and getting that kind of blackout feeling before you faint? Prob I wasn't breathing properly or something. And truthfully I do remember thinking, the time with the bathroom door, that he was going to come in and actually harm me. I remember thinking I'd pushed him too far and this was now going to happen that I thought never would. These are really vivid memories but the immediate before and after is a total blank. Can't remember a thing.

The fear in general is just, when he's on edge/ on a short fuse I'll just keep me and the kids away, or if I'm in the room with him I'll be quiet and just give him peace. I think that's all, like it's nothing more than you'd do for anyone who was feeling a bit cranky and needed a break. That's all I consciously do, but now I'm doing all this stupid stuff like flinching when he makes a sudden move. Which TBF I would have done anyway before all this. I thought it's just, hes in a stressful time again so I'm afraid again which is why I posted.

@Puffinsandcoffee I'm so sorry OP, this is so heartbreaking to read. I also have cPTSD so I know how it affects people. I just can't imagine someone I was close to, doing the exact thing that would exacerbate it. I'm sorry, but there's NO excuse. You and your children deserve so much better. You deserve to live in your own home freely and comfortably 💐

What I care about isn't "what people think" it's about what the right thing to do is. I care what my family think because I trust their morality. I'm just saying that to say it's not that easy to overcome and not something I want to overcome. If my family told me to leave him, that would carry huge moral weight for me.

I'm genuinely not trying to be contrary here, but as I'm an adult I have the understanding that scary doesn't always mean dangerous. Which I think is the difference here?

Sorry posted twice

I know it's not ok what he's done. I know it's fairly recent. I hear that people think I'm minimising.

I will ask a woman in my family about it I think. My husband wants to be seen as a good person in our eyes, which of course he is. I think it could be indicated to him without any major tension that he was falling short on that. And, for better or worse, there are obviously social risks attached to falling short on moral standards in my community.

But it is dangerous. He may not be leaving bruises, but he is damaging your mental health. You're flinching when he makes. A sudden move, you're modifying your behaviour so as not to set him off. You must be thinking about this constantly, and that takes a toll, not just emotionally, that much stress will be having a real physical toll on your body.

It may not be leaving a mark, but it will be making you ill. It could take years off your life, and spoil your enjoyment of the ones you have.

OP he chooses that behaviour...you are minimising again. Stop letting him off the hook

No, being adult doesn’t mean you’re not being mistreated. I was using a child as an example because you can see how much damage could be caused by neglecting a child’s physical and emotional needs in that way without the parent doing it deliberately. But once made aware of the harm, it’s a choice they’re making to carry on.

If it’s an adult, the damage is all emotional (if he’s not physically violent). But it’s still harmful behaviour whether it’s intended to be or not. And once he’s been told, he should change his behaviour or you could say it is deliberate.

You are living in fear, because of your husband’s lack of ability to control his temper. This is not your failing - it is his failing.

I also don’t agree with leaving a marriage without trying to solve a problem first, so speaking to your family and having their support on expecting more from him is all good.

Jesus christ, your family are not worth listening to if they think you being abused is ok,and mark my words you are being abused
I know exactly the jetky movements you describe, what outcome do you think he wants when he does that? It's fear , he wants to scare you and succeeds
Can you see that,,? Your husband wants you to be scared and deliberately does things to make you scared
I cant read anymore as I'm so fucking angry that women still accept this awful behaviour from men. No man who loves you would do that to you. A decent man would be horrified at scaring you
Please get some self worth and leave this miserable excuse of a man

Lovely, thank you. I feel full of self worth now. I too feel really fucking angry at myself and all the women who take all this shite from men. It's definitely all our fucking fault. I can only imagine how much harder it has been for you, who's had to read a bit about it. Thoughts and prayers.

Thanks everyone who's helped. As might be clear, I've run out of patience with the scoldings
😂

I have a plan for my next steps, which is an amazing step forward from Sunday or whenever I started the thread. I'm genuinely grateful for the help here, and I really am reflecting on the things that have been said that I haven't completely accepted.

Please, if this thread is helping you OP, ignore the nasty posters and lean on us more thoughtful ones. The change you've made is less than five days is encouraging: imagine what another five days could do? 💐🫂

Thank you. I will but maybe I will take a break for a few days first. Not sure if it's obvious but this has been intense and pretty upsetting for me, some of the posts have really shaken me tbh (not the mean ones, of course, though I wish these people realised their comments are proof my dad was right). I'll prob update on how things go with my SIL, if only in case someone else reads all this in a similar situation.

If it's just about my mental health, I'm afraid that ship has long sailed 😂

Thank you though, and I'm thinking about my kids in this light now which is the more serious point.

One thing is that is very difficult to imagine the world you are living in and how your husband, whose background it is not, has managed to assimilate himself with them, or at least be accepted by them. It is so far off how most U.K./Westerner women/families live; and I cannot even imagine you as a traveller either.

Apart being violent, did your father drink or take drugs? I don’t think you have ever got over what he did and I think children of men like him grow up with certain traits.