AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

This is such a brilliant helpful post. I hadn't considered that before, that white British women might actually have some insights on him that I can't have. Thank you for this.

and yes - you say you’re from a community where violence among men is commonplace but the values are such that violence directly towards women is not nearly as acceptable, even though it occasionally spills over to a man’s partner. Would that be right? that's spot on.

Though his behaviour to me would certainly fall within normal family dynamics I expect. It's not something talked about - marriage relationships are absolutely private & marriage issues aren't aired with family - but I just can't imagine telling, say, my brother, that I was leaving my husband because he kicked a door and my brother thinking anything other than, you're insane and spending too much time on the internet getting notions about romance.

No, it really would not be seen as unprofessional. Employers have a duty of care to their employees. I have run many businesses and been approached by many employees over the years with home life issues ranging from SEN children, domestic violence, debt etc to the extreme case I mentioned of forced marriage.

None of these issues reflect negatively on the person. And we are well positioned to sign post to additional services or help directly where we able.

Just bare in it mind. It’s great that MN is a support for you. But I think you really do need to find some IRL support too.

ETA: work is often the safest place to reach out for support as it is completely separate and private from someone’s home life. 100% confidentiality can be guaranteed.

I don't mean to be rude, but you are wrong about that. I don't think you are from a background that has experienced the state-sanctioned violence and discrimination we have, or you wouldn't be so sure about this.

Please, if on nothing else, just acknowledge that on this I am more of an expert than you.

My mother would never have phoned the police to bring them down on my dad. Christ, I feel sick at the thought. Something more could and should have been done about his abuse and addictions, but absolutely not that.

Can anyone articulate principles? You just know them: when the context arises, you know what's right and what's wrong.

I'm not going to detail how people have shown courage, as that's too close to specifics about who I am. But surely you can recognise that it's possible to be both violent and brave? That oppression breeds heroism as well as addiction?

and I didn't define your ethnicity either

My love you have a child, are you aware that being in a household where this behaviour is happening is classed as child abuse now under safeguading guidlines? its not just YOU that you need to think about its your child.

My lunch break is over! I'm reflecting on all this. I really am. Someone pointed out he's white British and so a lot of you on here might have insights on that which I don't have, which is useful. I'll look at some options about where I could maybe talk to someone. I'm not in danger, but I've heard people's points that my kids could be being harmed in sort of slow-burn ways. I am listening.

The police is a non-starter though. Maybe idiotic of me, but when people mention the police, I just think: exactly - you don't get it.

I was responding to this that you posted: but as others have said, there ARE organisations within the OP's assumed ethnicity (I say assumed but she has confirmed it)

Just, there have been a few guesses and I didn't want anyone to read that & think I had confirmed any of the guesses were correct. I haven't said what I am and I'm not going to. It's not relevant.

But now their "love" is dependent on you always doing what they say and living your whole life based on whether they will agree / approve? That's not love.

It's probably no coincidence that your husband married a woman from a culture that tells women they have to tolerate angry abusive men.

You describe your father as violent.
Your husband is violent too.
As for your community, you state that violence and addiction are rife. You dont put this down to personal choice or culture, but put it down to discrimination and the police.

On no planet is being a violent addict (who, what, gives the police a bit of lip when they come knocking at the door?) heroic or brave or any of the other romantic labels you've decided to attach to it.

You aren't looking to rescue yourself or your children from living in an abusive household. Why would you? To do that would mean you would have to dismantle all the romantic stories you've told yourself about the abuse you grew up with.

I dont know what you came looking for when you posted here, because it certainly isnt help and you aren't open to other perspectives.

I dont know why youre being so cagey about it, its pretty obvious

OP - I feel for you. I think I could make a pretty good guess about which community you come from (although I could be wildly off) as my background is not that different.

One thing I should say is that you might be underestimating how much support you would get from others in your community by talking to them (whether or not you left your DH). When it was put plainly to people in the family that a relationship has broken down because one partner is abusive and scaring the other, there will be women (and perhaps also men) in your community who understand this. I get that you may still want to make the relationship work, but is there anyone (siblings? cousins?) you can talk to? They love you (presumably) and are not so bound up in the community standards not to see you're suffering. Just knowing there is support there might help you day to day and reassure you, even if their first reaction is not helpful.

Used to have this with my dad when faced with personal problems. He'd start out following the community/family line on something (eg stay married) but he could be challenged to see that this was making one of his DC really unhappy.

its not SLOW WAYS its a genuine safeguarding issue, read this and wake up - Schools WILL get involved.

learning.nspcc.org.uk/child-abuse-and-neglect/domestic-abuse

You asked if you ever stop being scared.

No, you don’t.

My mum divorced my dad. He shouted and yelled a lot, never hit her or punched walls or doors, never got drunk. But his anger made everyone terrified and it came out of nowhere, even when we spent all our time trying not to provoke him.

She went back to the house after a few months when he wasn’t there and he wasn’t expecting him to be there. She heard the car door slam (not in an angry way) and heard him whistling (which meant he was happy), and she froze with fear.

He came in and was very pleasant with her.

But she was still terrified.

So, no, you’ll never stop being afraid.

And, I’m sorry to say, your children are probably afraid of him, too. It may not be as bad as when you were a child, but they are still frightened.

Bleughh I shouldn't bother replying but I can't help myself. I am not romanticising giving the police a bit of lip, and I'm not romanticising addiction either. What I'm calling heroism is other things that I'm not going to detail because it would identify what my community is.

I am open to other perspectives, but on that, no. There are men, and women, in my community who have shown true self-sacrificing heroism and incredible courage in defence of principles I absolutely share.

Can you really not imagine a closed, male-dominated community with drug and violence issues that isn't travellers. Eton could be described in exactly the same terms (though I'm happy to confirm, it's not Eton 😂)

• coercive control such as being told where to go and what to wear or being isolated from friends and family
• physical abuse such as being punched, kicked, cut, or being hit with an object
• emotional abuse such as being constantly undermined, sworn at, intimidated, ridiculed, harassed, or threatened with harm or death
• sexual abuse and rape including within a relationship or being made to have sex with other people
• stalking and harassment such as being repeatedly followed or spied on, being regularly given unwanted gifts or receiving unwanted communication
• economic and financial abuse such as having access to money controlled or withheld or being prevented from earning money
• technology-facilitated abuse such as having messages and emails monitored or deleted, constantly being sent messages or calls, or being tracked via device location

From the website you linked. He does none of those things.

OP - I also get why talking to people is hard and why the police are not an option. I could usually talk to sisters or female friends and cousins though.That was nearly the only time personal information was shared. If I ever told anyone else, they'd know it was serious.

I feel like I'm getting really defensive which I said I wouldn't. Sorry everyone. I'll come back later today. I am trying. And I'm mixing up defending my community and defending him, which makes no sense at all. Thank you all for helping me - it is, even if it doesn't seem like that.

Thanks for being open to seeing things from other viewpoints as well. It's not easy, especially when you're being slightly targeted by some posters on here.
They mean well, but I get that it puts you in a defensive position of trying to explain yourself.

And I think I get why your brothers wouldn't take the measure of what's going on either, because they too are judging by "your" rules - they see it as a "Know your place, woman" sort of incident - "And not even a slap, so what are you complaining about?" (I'm not justifying that, before anyone jumps on me - just trying to put words on what I think is going on in various people's minds).

I don't have an obvious solution, but I do have a couple of questions: when you "married out", was that in itself controversial among friends and family? Does the fact that you went ahead and "rebelled" now make it harder to imagine declaring the marriage to be a mistake?

Or is it the opposite - that because of whoever he is, money or status or whatever, it was seen as a step up for you? And if so, was that mainly by you or by everyone?

Because I'm wondering whether, if they disapproved of the marriage in the first place, whether you potentially leaving him might actually NOT be the "disaster" you're seeing it as? Maybe a bit humiliating - but you were younger and a different person then.

But that’s not justification for violence within the home. Are there not people within your community who manage to protect their family and keep them safe where they should feel most safe - within their family situation.

Two things can be true at once. You might feel your husband’s behaviour is unacceptable and still feel it’s impossible to leave. What you’re continually displaying instead is cognitive dissonance - the changing of facts to avoid an unbearable truth. That’s worse than being honest with yourself- that both your father and your husband have let you down badly.

You can come on here and find a handful of people who buttress your world view or you can acknowledge the truth of the situation and work out how to live with it.

That is not a low level! Kicking doors, punching walls, pushing you and calling you a cunt is not low level.

you are bringing your children up in an abusive household (even if you think they’re asleep when this happens they probably are not- speaking from experience).

Your children will grow up thinking it’s normal and be screwed up and the cycle will continue.

Not one where the OP sounds 100% white British but continuously uses the term "white British" to describe what her community isnt, no

I am very, very lucky to have him.

How lovely for you. In that case, please stop with the trauma dumping. It's unsettling.

yup also I am pretty sure that they don't have wives and kids at Eton