AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

Shouting at you and kicking doors are not normal behaviours. You feel scared because you are scared. Your body is reacting to a stressful situation. This isn't something you get over. This man doesn't deserve your silence. I hear that you feel that you can't tell anyone in real life but what is your support system like? Friends, family, neighbours, colleagues any community groups e.g. church?

My DH is a big strong tough-looking guy who works a physical job and plays a sport which can bring out aggression during the game. He has never ever shouted at me, sworn at me, pushed me, called me awful names, punched walls or kicked doors. He's never been physically or verbally aggressive with our children or pets or any other family or friends. It's not a normal or acceptable element of masculinity and you shouldn't be expected to suck it up or brush it under the carpet or pretend it never happened.

The impact of your man's behaviour has affected your nervous system, your past is a part of that too and while that means you're probably more sensitive to any aggression, absolutely no one should be expected to encounter being shouted at, pushed, be spoken to cruelly, or witness their partner hitting or kicking anything or anyone.

I don't know what you want to hear here. It's not OK that you're protecting this man and it's definitely not OK that you're living in fear in 2026. You can't simply move on from this like it's a little blip, his actions have revealed who he is.

I know you say you can't leave him or divorce him and maybe that all seems insurmountable now but why can't you leave him? Is it financial? Are you worried about what he'd do or say? Do you just not want to rock the boat? Are you anxious about gossip or other people's opinions? We here are other people and our opinions are that we want you to be safe and free and relaxed and experience peace and joy and loveliness and I just can't see how you can have that future while you live with this man.

I don’t disagree and have suggested the same thing upthread.

The part that I objected to on my post that you replied to was:

Women like you need to start modelling strong consequences and how it's important to take no shit. Otherwise abuse erodes normality and yet again you're in an abusive household. Only you can change it but please stop fucking normalizing it and having expectations that are base level and bullshit. Your poor, poor kids. I despair.

Imagine thinking -he's never hit me- is a positive way to live. It's really sad.

Ok so this IS that bad and is domestic abuse, he will do this again at some point! He showed you who he really is, believe him. It may take a particularly strong trigger for him to behave like this again but it’s still there inside him, it’s a part of who he is and how the reacts to certain situations. Please do not have children with this man, if you chose to live in fear like this that’s your choice as an adult with free will…a baby should absolutely NOT be living with a man capable of this behaviour o matter his trigger.

I’m sorry OP but he’s not a nice man. I’m sure he can be nice at times. - all abusive men can be otherwise no one would have relationships with them. And of course he has scaled down his behaviour because he’s already trained you to be scared of him.

If you think about it you will realise that you are moderating your behaviour so as not to upset him. You are being hyper-vigilant to make sure you manage his moods. Think about it. What would your body feel like if he’d never been angry and out of control? How would you feel different?

The thing is this seems relatively normal to you because you grew up with it. But it really, really isn’t. I grew up with angry parents. They weren’t horrifically violent but they didn’t need to be because they scared me which controlled me. I still jump out of my skin if someone pats me on the shoulder unexpectedly or if there’s a loud noise. That’s not nervousness that’s trauma.

Anyway when I met my STBXH his moodiness, anger and abuse seemed normal. After all he was nice to me quite a lot of the time. But really he wasn’t because he didn’t treat me respectfully and I never felt entirely safe. Plus I could never be fully myself. I am finally leaving because what I crave more than anything is safety and peace.

What your family thinks is the least important thing. They were never there for you. Some day you will not care about their approval or opinion. They haven’t earned the right to have an opinion as they failed in the most fundamental way which is that parents should make their children feel safe.

"nothing that would make someone else a "nervous wreck" Just, his misfortune is that I was already susceptible to being a nervous wreck!!"

eh?? not only would that make ANYONE a nervous wreck it would be police divorce for most people.

Absolutely, 100%

OP I’m surprised you don’t seem to have heard from other women from abusive relationships that this is what it’s like. Especially if you use mumsnet.

I absolutely wouldn't speak to someone at work about this. The thought makes me very anxious! Wouldn't that be seen as really unprofessional?

Thank you so much for this - I think you get it and I am so grateful. My community has been looking out for its own for along time, and don't always get it right but it's far better than what we've got from the police for example. I wouldn't be in danger from them if I left my husband, of course not, but what on earth would I be going to if I left him? I have almost nothing, except him and my kids, and my community, and they are right that I am very, very lucky to have him.

very clear principles

Yet you’ve been unable to articulate them. I’ll ask again, what are these principles? If they’re so clear, it should be easy for you to tell us.

people show huge amounts of integrity and courage in living up to high moral standards

How do they do this, please? As everything you’ve said would indicate otherwise.

I dont understand why you could move to a different town or village but the op couldn't? Why? Shes already married outside her community

My parents did fail me in some ways, but they - esp my dad - did also do a brilliant job of keeping us safe from other types of harm, outside the family and community. What my family thinks matters hugely to me.

If I had £5 for every time I've heard a DV survivor say that they never dreamed their abuser would hit them, I'd have enough money to open a refuge.

A man who cannot control his temper to the point that he's damaging doors and walls, and frightening his partner, is bound to go further sooner or later imo.

Please speak to Women's Aid, OP.

You have a really bad habit of failing to aportion blame where blame is warranted.

You have explicitly stated you come from a community where men mistreat women, yet its not the communitys fault, its the nasty police.

Your husband is an abusive man who kicks down doors and lunges st you, but its not his fault, its you and your stressful personality

I thought you said you were terrified of your dad

My family care about me and love my husband and our kids. There was no requirement for me to marry in, and no withdrawal of love when I didn't.

Even if my family would support me, as in even if they thought I can leave for any reason at all, I wouldn't leave him. It's massively disproportionate to what he's done, and would leave him with nothing - a far weaker relationship with his own family than he'd have had if he'd never met me, a strong bond with damaged people who he'd never have known otherwise, and then being a single dad as well.

Yes, both can be true? He was scary. Which was useful, when we were dealing with e.g. police, and damaging at home.

My exh used to drive dangerously if I made him angry while we drove. He’d drive so fast, skid round corners, slam breaks on.

it’s been nearly 30 years since I left. And even now if I’m in the car with my now dh and we bicker over absolutely anything I’m immediately very scared and feel sick. My dh has never driven erratic to frighten me.

30 years and it still is there in the back of my mind.

op I wish you the best and I hope you’re ok x

I haven't said that men mistreat women in my community; violence against women is very much not acceptable, but it does happen, as it does everywhere.

And of course I don't trust the police, but that's not unusual.

So he protected you from the people who could have helped you. Very useful.

I haven't ever confirmed my ethnicity and I'm not going to. It's not relevant. I've described the relevant features, but the specifics are not relevant.

And, I had to laugh at the idea that I have status because I've married a "hard man". My husband is about as far from a "hard man" by our standards as I am myself. I think some men are impressed with his swimming abilities, and with his energy and that he's strong enough to be useful, but no - not a "hard man" by any stretch of the imagination. 😂

No. I do recognise that the police can and sometimes do protect some people. But they do not protect us. Any dealings with the police we had, the police were not there to protect anyone.

No. Seriously, no. Abusers don't change, even when there appears to be a hiatus. They escalate. Always. It's part of a well-recognised pattern.

You are living in fear in your own home. Imagine, just for a moment, living without that cloud over your life. You don't have to accept that this is inevitable, nor that this is a condition you will have to adjust to and live with for the rest of your life. It really isn't.

Consider the pattern. Man behaves in a way that leaves his partner in fear. Woman is the one to adjust her behaviour, and the parameters of her expectation. It's a common scenario, sadly.

This man is not a good person. Good people don't reduce their partners to living in fear, or condition them into thinking that this is as good as life gets.

You say 'divorce is not an option'. It is. Not only that, it's the best and safest one. Do you have children? This only gets worse once you do.

I'm sorry, OP.

They would have protected you, had your mum called them and said "my kids are afraid of my husband".
Are you seeing a pattern?