AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

I can tell you categorically that under no circumstances would my DH ever raise a hand to me. Ever. There is nothing I could ever do to make him hurt me. He has raised his voice at me once, as I stepped into a wardrobe we were building and broke it. He shouted my name and was very apologetic. Just my name. Nothing else. He has never hit anything in our home. Never raised his voice to our children. He has fought people, years ago. And he would absolutely kill for our family. If someone broke into our home, if someone hurt me or our children. Absolutely. He is capable of anger and rage and harm. Not in a million years would it ever be directed at me or our children. I know I am 100% safe with him.

I know that feeling though. I always, from when I met exH knew that he would hurt me if I have him reason to. And no matter how hard I tried to keep his temper at bay, eventually he did, and nearly killed DS and I.

Im getting traveller vibes from your posts about community

Anyway: your dp is a violent prick and yoy need to get rid.

Why would your family care when youve married outside the community anyway?

The "They haven't heard it, they were asleep" narrative is naive in the extreme. I'm sure my parents imagined that I hadn't heard the rowing that happened frequently when I was in my early teens - I did and I can still remember it.

Hearing/seeing one parent be violent towards another (verbally or physically) is hideous for children. You say you're scared - trust me, that's nothing compared to how the children will feel and it's a feeling that will last for a very long time..

Denial is a powerful thing. So is a complete lack of self esteem, self belief and self confidence, alongside zero boundaries or expectations of common decency.

Your kids will know. They will hear. They will wonder. They will question. They will judge. And they will blame. Him, but also you.

Women like you need to start modelling strong consequences and how it's important to take no shit. Otherwise abuse erodes normality and yet again you're in an abusive household. Only you can change it but please stop fucking normalizing it and having expectations that are base level and bullshit. Your poor, poor kids. I despair.

I'm so sorry you are in this position. Are you able to have an honest conversation with him about how you feel? How would he react? Would it be in anger or would he be able to listen and try and understand? Sorry if I missed it, but were his violent outbursts a long time in the past or more recent? If you knew your family would support you in a decision to leave, would you do it? Is it only other people's opinion/ judgement holding you back? You don't have to answer, just something to think about xxx

OP, read that back and imagine your best friend/sister/daughter saying that to you. It was just his misfortune that his behaviour has caused you intense psychological distress??

Downplaying this sort of violence is really not okay. Other vulnerable women may read this and think "yeah, it really isn't that bad." - IT ABSOLUTELY IS THAT BAD.

If you can't leave him, and you don't want to, then fine, but at least try to acknowledge, here if no where else, that what he did was appalling.

Such a terrible, terrible post.

Imagine being from a marginalised ethnic group. Where you are looked down upon and judged by the wider society you live in. Experiencing racism and judgement all the time, even from the organisations that are supposed to protect the society you live in such as the police, council, social services etc. So much so that the only people you can rely on are those in your community. Your entire life has taught you that.

How do you leave when there is no where to go? When you face being ostracised from everything and everyone you know? When there is no safe haven to run to?

OP is trapped. And the best you can do is throw judgement at her by pitying her children. And even suggesting that her children will judge her too.

I’m sorry OP because you clearly feel your options are very limited by what your community thinks but I have to echo what this poster said.

There does come a point where minimising this and brushing it under the carpet is a kind of neglect of your responsibility to your own children and I think you have crossed that line.

Your community isn’t ultimately responsible for your children. Its you. You have to do something to safeguard them and protect yourself and I think you know that.

Everyone has the right to feel safe all the time. You don’t feel safe and neither will your children. You are teaching them it is ok to be scared of your partner/husband/dad. It isn’t.
You are ensuring that this continues for future generations of your family.

Of course your husband doesn’t want you to tell anyone as he knows it is wrong and abhorrent that he makes his wife and the mother of his children live a life in fear. You must act now or you could lose your children and future grandchildren. When I had children I became the parent I wished I’d had and needed when I was growing up. Your future happiness and the happiness of your children depends on what you do next. Be the one that breaks the cycle. I wish you luck and happiness x

I’m so sorry op. You’re scared because he is deliberately making you scared by being scary. I have no ptsd or history of physical abuse and i think what he’s done sounds terrifying. Even just the name calling, sweating and being generally angry IS scary and abusive behaviour.

domestic abuse is about control not temper/anger. So if a man hits you it’d actually be a sign of inefficiency in the abusers control system. An “effective” abuser maintains control through psychological means - fear, isolation, gaslighting, unpredictability etc. the fact that your H can be nice/fun etc is actually a very important part of the cycle of abuse, not an indication that he’s not abusive.

i think the first step for you is accepting your fear is rational rather than blaming yourself. That way madness lies. On some level you know you’re not in the wrong on feeling scared otherwise you wouldn’t post on mn. Hold onto that side of yourself that trusts herself deep down. I’d read Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?”. It’s available as a free pdf online and is so helpful to clear the confusion and understand more. Even if you don’t wish to leave I’d massively recommend it.

but as others have said, there ARE organisations within the OP's assumed ethnicity (I say assumed but she has confirmed it) who potentially could help her. At very least she could explore the options...because you know what they say...if you always do what you've always done then you (and the children) will always get what you have always got. The Op has said that she is saying to her daughters that if they ever wanted to leave an abusive partner they could go home to her but is she modelling that? Because she is saying its possible and ok to leave an abusive partner but she isn't walking the talk. I get it. From what she has said, she would be losing her community background too because her community status is largely because she married a hard man....but honestly, violent men controlling and drug abuse....is that a community you'd want to stay in?

Yuck. What do you see in this disgusting specimen?

Do you have learning difficulties, are neuro divergent or were abused and neglected as a child? These factors can make you more vulnerable to abuse, which doesn't mean it's your fault just that you maybe more vulnerable.

Get help. Get the out of there.

Yeah that’s all abusive behaviour.

There is no good outcome if you stay.
Seems a bit pointless posting a reply really as you must realise this on some level.

Reading this whole thread OP it seems you have minimised all bad behaviour from men your whole life. It is not your fault as your whole culture has been entrenched with misogyny.
I do feel for you but I don’t know what you hope to gain from this thread. You have a very low opinion of yourself and happy for your children to be brought up in the same misogynistic/abusive culture. There isn’t really anything anyone can say on here, as you know yourself you will never leave and even if you did you would likely further be at risk of abuse.
you talk a lot about your mental health and this being an issue for your family. I just want to say a quote from somewhere ‘before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure you are not in fact surrounded by arseholes’.
i think in your case unfortunately you have been your whole life.

This.

“Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened.”

This is abuse. He is using his power, his size and strength and his anger to control you. Swearing, shoving, name calling, damaging things in an angry way, breaking down a door to get to you. It’s all abuse. You are in an abusive relationship. Just because he behaves in kind and caring ways at other times and with other people doesn’t negate the abuse.

Whilst your previous experience might make you more susceptible to trauma responses, it is complete normal to feel afraid of someone getting angry when they have abused you in the past. It is your body’s survival instinct and whilst you can think you are safe physically, your brain and body are ready to protect you and that’s instinct. You can’t turn that off. You can only learn to calm it down and manage it when it happens. But you shouldn’t have to.

I had very very similar experiences to you. I have left. It’s not easy but I have more peace and my body is slowly learning it’s safe.

All this fear will be impacting in your health. Trust me - I know! It will be having a significant impact - all sorts of ailments. Emotional and psychological abuse ARE physically harmful. It’s just a different mechanism.

The only way you can safely stay with him, if you want to not be scared, is if he enters into therapy and learns to manage his difficult emotions without dysregulating and becoming frightening. At the moment YOU are responsible for regulating him by staying small and rocking the boat. That’s not your job. He is responsible for his emotional regulation and behaviour.

Look up narcissistic abuse. Check out Dr Ramani on YouTube and her book ‘It’s not you’. You might find it resonates.

Op - my dad was abusive to my mum. He never hit her but there was shouting, throwing things etc. He did no housework and generally controlled the house. I never directly saw any of the abuse so I expect my Mum thought I was shielded from it. But I wasn't- I heard things and more importantly I grew up afraid of men and learning to walk on eggshells and suppress my own needs to keep him calm. He never hurt me but I was so afraid of him because I saw my mums fear.

I left home as soon as I could and met an amazing man. He was kind and caring and loved me. He was happy to cook and clean. He was everything my dad wasn't.

Except that wasn't the case. Years of learning to put my needs last made me walk straight into a very abusive relationship. The love bombing won me over so easily as I had believed no one would love me in that way. He was abusive in such different ways (mainly coercive control) that I didn't see it as abuse until I realised how much I was trying to hide from my toddler. That made me leave.

Funnily enough I also had mental health issues. My ex encouraged me to blame my family circumstances for this. But now I have left i no lknger have any issues and am happier than I ever have been.

Your children will be aware of the abuse. I had a look and there is a support group called Space for Women who offer DV support for Gypsy, Roma and Traveller communities. Travellermovement.org.uk.

“domestic abuse is about control not temper/anger. So if a man hits you it’d actually be a sign of inefficiency in the abusers control system. An “effective” abuser maintains control through psychological means - fear, isolation, gaslighting, unpredictability etc. the fact that your H can be nice/fun etc is actually a very important part of the cycle of abuse, not an indication that he’s not abusive.”

I think this bears repeating and highlighting.

No, it isn’t a community I would want to stay in. But I have many options. If my DH was violent, I could leave and start again somewhere else. I could contact the police without fear or judgement. I could meet new people who all have a similar background to me. I could speak to my children’s school who would wrap their arms around me. Me and my children could settle into any city, town or village very nicely anywhere in the country.

I am very privileged in that regard. I doubt OP is. Yes, leaving her DH and her community would solve one problem. But a whole host of new problems with more fear and isolation would be waiting for her. It’s a very complex situation and not as easy as just saying think of your children, you’re being a bad mother by staying.

This is not ‘low level’ and your body’s reaction is a normal response to frightening behaviour. Fact. There is NOTHING silly about your response. It’s a normal reaction to frightening situations. The abnormal thing here is your husbands abuse.

But the main thing is that in 20 years he's never hit me or anyone else: he is not violent, it's not his normal at all. The stuff I listed is isolated incidents.

Isolated incidents dont make violance non-violance.
Your mind has build lots of defences and excuses for you to be able to live with this man. Its so sad to see what living in violent household, first with your parents then with your husband, is doing to you.

Hope once you let all has been said on this thread sink in, you start to look at things at least a little bit differently. Its take a lot of inner strength and courage.

It isnt relevant. His behaviour is more than bad enough. Hitting is one form of abuse and other forms are just as bad.

It's very depressing that you think this is not that bad. I don't say that in a mean spirited way because I wish only the best for you. But every day on here I see women who have been conditioned to think that the most appalling behaviour by men is normal or acceptable or 'not that bad'. All the things you've listed here are shocking. They are violent. They are abusive. They are not normal or acceptable behaviours in a relationship. You should not be scared of your husband - ever. Your being scared is perfectly reasonable because you live with a violent and scary man. You won't be able to stop being scared until you are out of the scary situation. I know that's not what you want to hear and that you're trying to somehow make it alright, but it isn't.

except as I have said there are options to at least explore. No there are not as many ethnic specific options as there are more general ones. It may be that after looking, the OP decides that its still not a possibility for her.....but at least you explore the options? And no I am not talking about police or social services

What would your advice be if any of your children found themselves in a similar situation? I find it hard to believe you would tell them to stay in the relationship for fear of upsetting relatives.