AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

Yes. That's right. I don't know if you think that means they're wrong, but they'd understand he's living in a bit of a warzone at times, and that people don't behave perfectly in those circumstances. They know he's a good person and that he's really good for me and I'm so lucky to have the life he's given me. They'd understand that men will do stuff like this and that maybe I've brought it out of him too.

You have stated on here he pushed you - that IS hitting you.
my ex husband never ever admitted to hitting me he always pushed me or moved me out of the way or was trying to get into a room or out of a room or he slipped or whatever but he NEVER hit me according to him BUT not to the court who viewed all of these as physical assaults on me.

You are victim blaming yourself.

He’s not so good to you if you’re living in fear of what he might do. And violence isn’t confined to punching you in the face. He is violent. He has smashed doors down - that is an act of violence. It keeps you in fear, walking on eggshells. That isn’t treating you so well you should be grateful.

I get it, I was raised with it too. I get that lower level abuse seems better. But that doesn’t mean it’s actually good or ok.

None of this is normal male behaviour. My husband has never done this.

My Dad did do this, he is not a nice man, despite the act he puts on for others.

Why is it impossible to leave? Why don’t feel like you won’t be safe if you leave? You aren’t safe staying, why is leaving worse?

Re-read your posts as if someone else wrote them. What would you say to them?

All sounds pretty normal to me.

So there isn't a chance of police or court. If leaving him didn't have my family outraged, police involvement most certainly would. For punching a wall? Dangerous driving? Not a chance. There is infinitely more chance of me leaving him, and almost zero chance of that. Again, I'm really grateful, but I'm just saying that so people don't suggest that as a way to try to get me to see the seriousness or whatever - it just isn't going to happen.

Oh my dear..I am so sorry that you have people in your life that would judge you for leaving domestic violence. Why would you trust the "core principles " of someone who would be quite happy for you to stay with a man who could kill you in a fit of temper. Anyone who thinks like this is not worth listening to. Their opinion isnt relevant as they arent the ones living in fear of him. You know on some level that you arent safe with him and you say that you feel unsafe.

Nobody who loves you would expect you to stay with someone who is hurting and abusing you. Anyone who would want you to stay in an abusive relationship is not your friend. Anyone who would judge you for leaving him is a twat.

Its not an overreaction to say that you are leaving because of a spouse who abuses and scares you. Your husband is doing harm to you and anyone who is harming you deserves for you to leave them.

He can escalate in violence..he could potentially harm you or your children. It isnt safe to stay in a marriage with someone who has fits of rage and kicks doors down and screams abuse at you.

Thank you this is really kind, but I would be blamed I think for much of what's happened between me and him, and I can see why. He's from a really lovely family. And my family has survived far worse, and they do love me (most of them!), and they know both him and me well, so they're worth listening to.

It's possible I'm completely wrong and they'd be heartbroken to read all of this. But I really doubt it.

The least you can say about this man is he is nasty and deliberately physically intimidated you, knowing that your father was abusive too. This is abuse, OP. You're here because you know that really. If nothing else, put your kids first - is this the kind of behaviour you want them to witness/emulate?

I suspect you're from a culture where men do routinely do stuff like this, because this is not something I recognise as normal at all.

You can decide to live with an abusive bully, but you have a duty to keep your children safe, and they will be damaged by living in fear, and watching you cower.

He's made you his victim, that's your role now - it'll be your kids next. They shouldn't have to grow up with an abusive father like you did.

For your children's sake you have to leave - you can, and Women's Aid will support you.

You keep saying that you can't leave, but don't want to anyway.

I think you believe you can't leave, but unless you're living in Afganistan under the Taliban you can leave, if you want to. Your family will get over it, families do, even in conservative cultures. You live in the UK now, you have rights, and your children especially have the right not to live in fear.

You know you should leave, are you waiting till he smashes the car into a wall to take the decision away from you?

Well, OP, you asked are you being unreasonable to still be afraid and to want to tell someone irl.

Why don’t you tell someone? Tell someone you think you can trust to just listen and not “overreact”. See what they say 🤷‍♀️

In the kindest possible way no one can reassure you that you will at some point stop having this fight or flight reaction to your husband. Your mind knows that your body is in danger from this man. You already have PTSD from previous trauma. You are looking for an answer that no one is going to give you. The only sure way to know that you won't have to live with this fear is by getting out of this relationship.You say you will never leave him. So that is that. This will be your life. The facts that you are posting here and having therapy gives me some hope that you will come to understand that you have a choice. Other posters are correct, this relationship is in no way normal on any level.

Leave him.

Please.

You are at risk of being murdered by him.

Your children deserve better. You are failing them if you continue to keep them in this damaging environment.

I hope you find the strength to recognise this and leave.

Hi OP

I went through a very similar thing, and my internal language was almost exactly as yours is here.

I want to tell you firstly that you are loved, you are valued.

I am sorry for what you are experiencing. I am. You are worth more than this treatment.

Your nervous system is telling you something isn't right, that's why you're still scared.

You don't have to tell anyone IRL what's happening just yet if you don't want to. If that's where you're at right now, that's ok.

Can I please suggest some individual counselling for you, perhaps a DBT course as a start if you aren't comfortable with 1:1 therapy yet. Any kind of individual therapy where you can have a safe, neutral third party will help. Do not take your husband.

Also, if you feel safe enough to do so, start building your social networks, join a book club, start a yoga class, a girls run club, doesn't matter. Start getting out in the world a little more and build those social supports.

Then, as you're ready, leave.

I’ve read all of your posts and some of the replies. I’m at a loss for words as to how you keep on justifying his behaviour.
You are subjecting YOUR CHILDREN TO ABUSE.
That’s the bottom line.
Are you ok with that?
You seem to have accepted it for yourself.

Your baby will pick up on the fear and anger. Even at the primal level of scenting hormones.

No, most men are not angry! Nothing you do, or are, justifies a man raging around the house. Do you have sons? They need to learn gentleness.

You are precious as rubies.

If it is a theological question, there are good religious men and men of the law who can help.

Your fear will not go. Because your fear is an absolutely normal response. It is normal to fear an abusive man who has forced his way through doors to abuse you. It is normal to fear an abusive man who punches walls next to you, so that you know how easily he could punch your face in instead. It is normal to fear an abusive man who makes you fear for your life by his deliberately dangerous driving. You are living in fear because those are all things that would make any normal person be afraid. And, indeed, engendering fear and thus control is very commonly the reason for committing those acts.

I sent you a message @Puffinsandcoffee with a possibly useful link. Feel free to ignore/delete. I am no expert.

I recognise it and I know it is not normal. Familiar from 3 cultures I have been close to (yes, also in UK). Let us not normalise it.

Op, this is NOT OK. I know you want to try to salvage it, but I think you deserve better and should leave. I doubt this will improve. 💐

Exactly this, OP. It’s not about your childhood problems. It’s the big, real, current problem of living with a man who can be dangerous.

'he's living in a bit of a warzone at times, and that people don't behave perfectly in those circumstances. '

• can I ask more what you mean? Does your husband have a troubled past?

If so, that's no excuse for doing the things you've described.

Would you feel able to contact organisations such as these to ask for help if this is the community to which you refer? women.travellermovement.org.uk/ www.travellerstimes.org.uk/advice/support

If your husband is behaving like this, that IS a good reason to leave him. For your kids' safety, and your own.

On another thread we talked and you mentioned you come from a minority culture within the UK. I can understand your community may have strict views on whether to leave a marriage but the top priority needs to be your & your kids' physical safety. This man does not sound safe for kids to be around.