AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

Op, if violence is normalised among men you love- in your family, then should you really be prioritising your family's opinion on whether you are safe or not?

I understand you are very close to your family but if violence is normalised among at least some of them, their perception of acceptable/safe marital behaviour is surely skewed?

OP, I haven’t searched your previous posts but I think I remember you and remember which culture is your background.

Look, your fearful reaction isn’t silly. You have seen what men who can’t control their emotions can do. And now you’re married to a man who can’t control his anger. Your fearful reaction is a natural response that keeps you safe. It makes you lock yourself in your bathroom and watch what you say around him. And ultimately, that keeps you out of hospital.

You don’t know 100% that he won’t hit you. If you did, you wouldn’t be scared.

No one can reassure you that this fear will subside. And that’s a good thing as it keeps you alert. The sad thing is that living in this state of high alert is severely restricting and limiting your life.

I’m not going to tell you to LTB as you won’t. But I will be thinking of you x

Op, have you read Sandra Horley's book Power and Control? She is CEO of Refuge and the book explains really well how abusers alternate abuse with kindness. The kindness doesn't mean you should underplay the abuse. This man does not sound safe - if you have daughters, do you want them to think a man could treat them this way? And if you have sons, do you want them to think it's OK to treat their wife like this?

My earliest memory is of my father’s violence. Those memories are from when I was 2. I woke up when my parents thought I was asleep more times than you can count.

my grandmother told my mother to stay. My grandmother was wrong. I begged my mother to leave so many times. As an adult I offered to pay for solicitors and housing to get my mother out. My mother always refused. She died in that marriage and I know the stress of it contributed to her early death.

I understand cultural pressure.

if you live in the uk, you have the right to leave.

your children deserve better than this.

And I share their values, I really trust their core principles, they really are worth listening to.

• if I understand your post correctly, your father and other men in your family are violent. Do you mean towards you/towards women? If so, are they necessarily the best guide on how you should respond to your husband's behaviour?

He is going to hit you or harm your child sooner or later. He 100% is. I have seen this play out time and time again. When this stops working or doesn’t get the response he wants, he is going to harm you or your child. It might be tomorrow, could be in ten years but if you don’t leave him he is going to get physically violent with you or your child.

So
You're a traveller, grew up with appalling violence and abuse, and chose a non traveller man to marry, which caused a rift with his family so you feel you owe him. Your family would never understand you leaving him because of his abuse of you, because they normalised abuse and would see you as overreacting, partly as a way of justifying their own choices to abuse or to stay with an abuser.
You genuinely believe he's not that bad because you've seen and experienced much worse, and you believe your children aren't affected because it's so much better than what you had.
All your core beliefs are built on the trauma you grew up with, as well as the outsider status you've internalised as a traveller and the resistance to challenge of perspectives outside of your cultural norms. Your core beliefs are faulty. You will never feel safe with this man because he is not safe. Emotional abuse is just as scary and damaging as physical abuse, so he is not a safe man. You'll live your whole life being scared. It's a sad future in my opinion.

The addiction and the violence are symptoms of huge trauma and discrimination and violence my community has faced.

• It is terrible your community has been discriminated against so badly but that isn't an excuse for violence. There's many examples of communities who have experienced violence & discrimination and haven't had large numbers of men behaving that way.

Whatever trauma your husband and the other men you are close to have gone through, that is not an excuse for physically or emotionally abusing women. And you have a right to leave, leaving doesn't make you a bad person.

I definitely wouldn't ever go to the police about anything to do with all of this even if he did stuff like that again.

And realistically there is no chance I will be leaving him

• What if he injured you or attacked your children? Would you still not leave or not go to the police?

This is a really useful resource, thanks.

The addicts in my family have typically suffered horrendous trauma

• many people who are addicted/violent etc have suffered horrendous trauma. That doesn't mean women (or men for that matter) in their lives need to stay and tolerate their behaviour!

I'm sorry but the way the women close to you behave doesn't sound positive to me. It sounds like they tolerate worse behaviour on the grounds of the men being traumatised- and so that makes you feel you're wrong to be uncomfortable with your husband's behaviour. But you're not . Just because it's less bad doesn't mean you should put up with it.

'That's a million miles better than what many women in my community have survived with more grace than I'm showing even in posting here, ' - the women in your community shouldn't have had to put up with abuse either. Posting about your husband scaring you does NOT mean you lack 'grace'!

'has never been in prison and he makes me laugh and has never cheated on me.'- I'm sorry but this is a pretty low bar. Most men have not been in prison.

Excellent resources.

If referring to agunot and get, on the other hand, maybe https://www.brookman.co.uk/divorce/rabbis-work-to-help-women-victims-of-agunot
...though this seems less likely.

The man's behaviour resembles coercive control...physical intimidation, damage to property, questions of honour or reputation for the family, etc. Which is criminal.
Controlling or Coercive Behaviour in an Intimate or Family Relationship | The Crown Prosecution Service share.google/D9QdcJDftBs70HEkx

This is a great resource but pretty sure thus is not OP's situation...although otoh it could be.

You never can tell...

The second link is to UK seculsr court definition of coercive control, which applies in any case, though.

She is being sarcastic, he is not a good dad while he abuses his wife, his kid mother and leaves her so scared that she is shaking with fear while he reacts to football games. Al

And living your life in fear to avoid upsetting or to please other people and family members is not the way to live but it's also clear form your posts that you're not going to leave so we can only wish you the best.

We've been together my whole adult life

• I think this is important. You have had no other experience of adult relationships directly.

Decent men are not scary. Neither my DF, DB, DH, FIL, BIL or any of my uncles have ever scared me.

I don’t have any friends who seem to be scared of their DH, Some get irritated and annoyed by them, snd several divorced previous useless specimens, but fear of their behaviour is not an issue.

If you are determined to stay in this relationship I’m not sure what anyone can say that will help.

OP, there is no way you are safe in a relationship with a man who kicks doors down to get to you. Dear God, I am horrified.

This is what I was thinking.

@Puffinsandcoffee - I hope, somewhere inside you, you can find the courage and the determination to save yourself and your children.

You're prepared to live in fear in your home for the rest of your life. For whatever reason, you've decided you won't leave. You're convinced your husband's days of terrifying you are over.

And yet. You would like reassurance from other posters that the continued fear you feel (because of his previous violence) will eventually dissipate. You're blaming this feeling on just being an anxious person. Did it occur to you that this feeling is basically a heightened sense of alert. A survival instinct. Because your husband has shown you what he's capable of. And until the reason you feel fear in your own home is removed (or you remove yourself), I highly doubt that feeling will ever leave you.

The important thing is did he engage with another professional about his anger or go on a perpetrator programme? Was this a one off violent incident or does he have form for this? The incident you describe is terrifying and without an intervention he may well do it again but you are the one having therapy etc because of his behaviour.

And you haven’t called the police?!?

I think mn should put a warning on your title: something like extreme violent behaviour so that those of us who can’t stand violence could SKIP your thread.

i didn’t know how to cc MN headquarters, otherwise I would.

good luck op.

So he’s threatened to leave you if you tell anyone about his violent behaviour, he also gets upset when you react scared to his sudden movements. He knows you won’t leave him. He knows you are scared of him. He has you exactly where he wants you, making it a you problem when actually it is a him problem.

He broke down 2 doors trying to get at you, what happened when he got to you? Do you realise how violent that is?
He is gaslighting you into thinking this is a you problem when it really isn’t.
He doesn’t want people to know, why do you think that is? Do you think that’s to protect you? of course not, it’s so he doesn’t look like the violent wife beater man he is.

You won’t leave him, so you’ll always be scared of him. Has he done any anger management counselling/courses? I bet he hasn’t, because he doesn’t see it as a him problem but a you problem he doesn’t want to deal with.

As it doesn’t seem like you are going to help yourself, please please set up the text ability from your mobile phone to the police 999. It is for anyone in the UK in emergencies where it is unsafe to speak aloud such as when hiding in a bathroom from an attacker.
How to Register Before an Emergency

1. Send a text: Text the word register to 999.
2. Confirm: You will receive a reply asking you to confirm; text back yes.
3. Receive confirmation: You will get a final message confirming your phone is successfully registered.

If you need to use it you text Which service is needed (Police, Ambulance, Fire, or Coastguard)

What the emergency is

Where help is needed (including the address, road, or notable landmarks)

Everything he did is bad, I’m sorry OP. I can understand that you want to forgive him as he’s your DH (not sure why you won’t leave but that’s your prerogative. I do think that some people can ‘come to their senses’ a bit re their behaviour or have anger management counselling, has he had this? Do you tread on eggshells around him or behave normally?

It’s no excuse but was there something really stressful going on in his life at that point or did he gave MH issues? I’m just thinking why did he stop those behaviours and couid they start again?

OP, this is a most frustrating thread. You ask how to stop feeling scared. There is only one way - by removing yourself from your volatile home life. You steadfastly refuse to do this. So fear will continue to rule your life.
There's nothing else any of us can suggest.