AIBU to still feel unsafe and want to tell someone?

[Puffinsandcoffee]

My husband has done some things to me /around me in recent years that weren't great. Nothing really terrible - not hitting or SA - but stuff that has made me definitely a bit scared of him.

It's been well over a year since he's done anything like that.

I just have two questions I thought maybe someone on here would have experience of this stuff and could answer.

One is, when did you find that you felt safe and comfortable around your husband again? Is it normal that I don't? Every time he swears or slams a door or something I get scared, and then scared he'll notice I'm scared, because he would get annoyed by that because he just wants us to move on from the stuff that happened. The world cup is stressing me out because he keeps jolting out of his chair and shouting and swearing at the TV!

The other question is, is it really vindictive that I want to tell someone in real life? I obviously won't. He'd be so hurt and really angry, because it's such an injustice to who he is in general. But there was total secrecy in my family about my dad's additions and abuses and I think because of that, having to not tell anyone about the stuff my husband has done is making me feel worse, like as if it's all happening again even though it's not.

Just to pre-empt some stuff that might come up

• I have posted about this stuff before. I spoke to Women's Aid because of replies. I don't mind my other posts being referred to but please don't "catch me out" with stuff from them. Mumsnet is the only place I can have these "conversations" and I'm not trying to be defensive or in denial or anything like that.
• I am getting therapy for cPTSD which I have from other stuff mostly childhood stuff.
• I haven't gone into detail about what he did because I don't think it's relevant but I will if it is.
• I won't be leaving him. I can't even if I wanted to but I don't want to.

I didn't put a poll as it's not really an either/ or but just - is this all normal and will pass, or am I damaging my relationship by not moving on from it?

Yes it’s better than what you grew up with, a lower level of abuse. I would say that every woman in an abusive relationship grew up in some sort of abusive childhood. It normalises it, stops you from thinking it’s that bad.

Your fear isn’t silly and it’s not going to go away because that’s not how god made us. They are your instincts to protect your life. Your children are growing up with a mum that is in your words, a nervous wreck, because she’s scared of their volatile father.

Don’t leave if you don’t want to, and maybe you can have years and years of fear ahead of you. Maybe one of your children will get tired of walking on egg shells like you do and then you will see him get properly violent. Maybe he’ll take it out on you that they answered him back. Who knows what the future holds. But your fear isn’t some silly thing you need to learn to silence.

Fucking hell - I like to consider myself pretty unflappable in most situations. I’m loud, confident, happy to be ballsy in public and private when the circumstances demand it. Definitely not nervous wreck territory..

But someone kicking a door down to a room
I was in would TERRIFY me and leave lasting damage.

This is not you over reacting at all.

It doesn’t matter if he hasn’t punched you in the face. He is a violent abuser. Your children are experiencing a form of abuse. They will grow up believing they must walk on eggshells to keep another person happy.

If you leave and he gets parenting time, at least they will have portions of their time where they can relax and live normal lives. This will help them form the correct neural pathways instead of growing up in a constant state of fight or flight.

It’s very clear which community you belong to. I suspect nobody wants to be the first one to say it.

He’s dangerous, you’re suffering. Talk to someone, make a plan (don’t tell him beforehand), grab your kids and escape! 🤗

I can't put the values into words. I'd be overreacting - my life is wonderful, beyond anything I had any reason to expect. It would be petulant and selfish of me to leave. The addicts in my family have typically suffered horrendous trauma. I can't explain, but I think it would make sense if you could see it from where I'm sitting. My husband's a bit angry and has on very rare occasions behaved abusively. That's a million miles better than what many women in my community have survived with more grace than I'm showing even in posting here, and my husband is kind and generous and has never been in prison and he makes me laugh and has never cheated on me. I'm not at all suggesting any woman should stay if her husband is hurting her, but that's not what's happening here.

I’m in my 50s, my father got psychiatric treatment and is sober, and I am still afraid of the man to this day.

The fear will never, ever go away. The fear is necessary. The fear keeps you safe.

Yeah, my dad is dead and I'm still scared of him 😂

If you've had violence in your childhood it never leaves you. Mine and my siblings was all behind closed doors. Outwardly no-one would ever have guessed. Middle class, church going parents.

My mother died last month a lot of it bubbled to the surface again despite being NC for over twenty years. One brother had a break down a few years ago therapy revealed it was his childhood and early adulthood. I've had a couple of wobbles since the funeral even though the old witch is dead.

I don't cope very well when my husband shouts. My heart races, I feel sick. I was at a party a few years ago a woman had a dramatic melt down as my mother used to. I had to leave and cried at home.

Hi OP,

Sounds like a less than ideal situation you’re in but I totally get it.

My relationship is also a complicated turbulent one. When DH is good things are fine but when they aren’t I have really had to learn to adapt and switch off. Like you I absolutely can’t leave as it’s a complex situation so I’ve spent much of the last 20 years, ( which is since having kids) learning to adapt to all situations. He had little time being able to be involved with the kids and their activities growing up. This is biting him on the arse now as they are older and leaving/left home he is never their primary point of contact for any conversation. It’s always me, so he’s left wondering why “I never hear from anyone”. My youngest doesn’t particularly like him at all. There’s no bond there what so ever, he’s a totally different person with him than he is with me. I’ve watched this develop over the years but DH did nothing to address it so it’s just become they have nothing in common and DS2 never really communicates with him.

He gets VERY defensive when he’s in the wrong, so I have to make sure I never deliberately or indirectly accuse him of anything. Sometimes I have to constantly ask what’s wrong as he’s “sad” but giving a bit of a martyr energy. I’ve learnt now to ignore not engage.

He is incredibly sensitive. I need to be careful that I don’t accidentally say something to offend him.

I must never ask him to do anything more than once, otherwise he takes offense. He is a bit of a workaholic so often doesn’t have time. I have to be patient and wait for things to be noticeable enough for him to think it’s his idea!

so what’s changed? He used to be incredibly possessive very jealous and controlling. I would never be able to go away for more than a day without being emotionally “punished”. This was worse when he was younger and the kids were smaller. He had far more control, but I’ve eventually been able to gain most of that back.

He was a BIG drinker. He would become unmanageable when he drank through times of stress. A year ago he gave up drinking after a particularly nasty episode (witnessed by DD and DS2 as well as plenty of strangers who jumped to my defence.)

He broke the cycle with his own father, who is a nasty, abusive, controlling piece of shit and had been infiltrating his entire behaviour for his whole life. Not easy to avoid when they work together.

I’ve had to literally stone wall so much of my own emotion to protect myself from his inability to emotionally regulate, or control his jealousy. Eventually it has (at this point in life) worked. I currently don’t have the fear of him kicking off at me when he’s pissed because he’s given up alcohol. That alone has made him an easier person to deal with.

Anyway OP I hope this makes sense to you. I know he’ll never be my “soulmate” as the window for that security closed up decades ago and there are so many things our relationship lacks that I know I just won’t ever be able to bring up with him due to how he would react, things are ok for now and we are fairly happy when he’s in a better place mentally. Life has a cruel way of tripping you up every so often and I know there will be bad times again, and when they’re bad they are horrific and I will have to switch myself off once again to be able to manage his behaviour affecting my life but I k ow I have the skill to do this. But for, now, thankfully, all is ok. I hope you can adjust to how things are…it’s never as easy as “leave the bastard” and sometimes you have to just learn how to walk on eggshells.

You’re an intelligent articulate woman. If you can’t put the values into words, there’s a reason for that.

I’ll ask again: Are any of you children girls?

Haha, nah. I see why you say that, but they wouldn't. They'd probably take him out for a beer and tell him I was always hard work 😂

What will you do if he starts this behaviour to your children?

I wouldn't stand for that I think. Who can really say, until they're in it, but I've told him to pack it in before when he was shouting at them, and he did. If he was kicking down a door to get to them, I'd make him stop and if he didn't I'd ring a neighbour. I could imagine that getting to be a more risky situation because he does get angry at the idea of someone else knowing. But that's what I hope and think I'd do.

We’ve asked many variations of this and she’s refused to engage with any of them. Which is telling.

ETA: I take that back, she now has.

Yes I have girls.

So why is he so adamant that nobody knows about his abuse?

Umm. I think it's more people not in my family/ community he's worried about tbh? I don't know. That's the people I imagine him getting most angry about finding out. When I picture telling my sister or my brothers, say, I picture them understanding that it's complicated.

They would understand that it’s complicated = they were raised with abuse

Is the life you live and the life you’ve described the women in your family living what you want for your daughters? As it’s what you’re setting them up for.

Yeah, that time was probably the worst thing he ever did to me. I haven't been as scared as that ever before or since with him.

It's a fair question and the answer of course is absolutely not. I know. The logical conclusion is probably obvious to you, but - and I mean this with no disrespect at all - you don't have the full picture of my specific circumstances.

I think you would really benefit from a couple of things. Firstly, a de-escalation course. Something along the lines of if you were in customer service and had a very angry shopper was verbally abusing and threatening you.

Secondly, a self defence course. Something you could claim as keep fit if necessary, such as boxercise, or karate.

I could not live a fearful life, don't your kids notice?

This is actual violence. This is not low level.

My father was like this driving the car fast and slamming doors not often but enough for you to know he could and would hurt you. It is violence and it is serious.
It conditions you to behave a certain way - always appease and never forget lest you not behave the way it goes.

My ex fil was also like this - I got divorced but my ex husband had ten years of it and it did spill in violence and he forgot it.

Dont raise kids on it. Divorce is the only happy option seriously.

He doesn’t want people to know because he knows it’s wrong, yet still does it. That’s the kind of man he is.

Nobody here is going to tell you anything different other than to leave. That’s not an option for you, so this is your (and sadly, your children’s) life now.