AIBU for thinking my financial situation isn't sustainable and I'm heading for an almighty fall and mental health crisis

[TheHotRock98]

Hello,

I'm afraid I used chat GPT to help write this. I was asking it what I should do and asked it to convert to an AIBU query. This was inspired also by a thread by another MNer a couple of days ago. It frightened me as our situations were a little similar, though she sounds a much better/ more together person than me...

I'm 39 and my partner is 54. We've been together several years, live together in his home (he owns it but still has some to pay), and have a three-year-old together. He also has a 14-year-old daughter from a previous relationship.

We're not married.

I'm really struggling financially and it's affecting both my physical and mental health. I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of panic.

My finances are:

• £173 into my overdraft (my limit is £200).
• Around £2,042 on a credit card.
• A loan with about £2,000 left to repay.

I work three days a week and my take-home pay is £1,500 a month.

Our three-year-old goes to nursery for two of the days I work, and my dad looks after him on the third day. I'm with my child on the other two weekdays.

My partner earns around £93,000 a year. He also owns a property abroad which he rents out. I believe the rental income is around €900 a month (I think that's right )

As far as I know, he has savings in both pounds and euros. I think the euro savings are around €70,000 (sorry I don't know if I heard him correctly at the time but it really sounded like he was saying this, could have been €17,000 I suppose, and this was a while ago anyway), although I don't know the exact figure and I have no idea how much he has in his UK savings. He says both have taken a significant hit because he was made redundant previously and that he's trying to build them back up. He's now back in full-time employment and has passed probation.

He pays the mortgage (it's his house), child maintenance of around £600 a month for his older child, plus additional costs for her (school holidays, school trips, etc.).

He also has therapy five times a week at around £95 a session. From what I understand, his therapist takes around two months' holiday each year, so he pays for roughly 10 months of therapy annually.

I don't pay towards the mortgage, but I do pay for childcare for our three-year-old (currently £130 a month, but it's due to increase by around another £200 a month soon).

I also pay for a lot of our toddler's day-to-day costs - clothes, toys, days out, little treats like cake or ice cream, and I buy some of the groceries, although not all. Also things like presents for other children when we go to their birthday parties.

On top of that I have my own regular expenses:

• contact lenses
• dental appointments and hygienist appointments
• tampons
• toiletries (deodorant, moisturiser, SPF, face wash, body lotion etc.)
• vitamin supplements
• dry cleaning for work clothes
• haircuts and hair colouring because I have a lot of grey hair and work in a professional environment.
• I do also but and wear make up, and not drug store either I'm afraid I do like the department store stuff (I know thats bad given my financial situation and living beyond my means etc. )

I suspect I might have ADHD (so as yet undiagnosed) and I'm aware I'm not naturally good with money. I'm sure that's contributed to some of my debt, so I'm not pretending I've managed everything perfectly.

Recently we've also had unexpected household costs. We had a plumbing issue affecting the flat which cost me £190 to sort out(I thought it was important, he thinks otherwise and the call out was unnecessary ), and our oven broke and had to be replaced, costing him around £500.

Before payday this month he told me he only had around £1,600 left in his current account because of various expenses. He says he's trying to rebuild his savings after the redundancy, so I appreciate he has financial commitments and isn't sitting on endless disposable income.

At the same time, I'm in debt, living in my overdraft and feeling like I'm sinking while trying to cover childcare, my own costs and many of our child's day-to-day expenses.

What I'm struggling with is whether this is simply how it has to be because we're not married, or whether it's reasonable to expect someone earning around £93,000 a year to contribute more towards the costs of the child we have together when I'm earning £1,500 a month and ending up in debt.

Can he reasonably say that my debts are my responsibility and refuse to help financially? Or should we be sharing the costs of raising our child in a way that reflects our very different incomes?

I'm genuinely asking because I don't know if my judgement is being clouded by stress. I feel like I'm spiralling and I can't carry on like this, but equally I don't want to be unfair to him if I'm expecting something unreasonable. I had a health scare recently and thankfully all came back clear and fine - but reading the summary of my consultation with the Dr she said I seemed stressed and tearful though I didn't cry. I don't even remember that, I had my toddler with me so I was listening to what she was saying while caring for him.

Also.i.paynfot the cleaner to come once a week (68 pounds) but I do.all laundry and ironing of clothes and bedding. He does 85% of cooking, but I do the clean up afterwards....

If you've got this far thank you. I don't know how I've fallen so far, when I started maternity leave I had around £8000 in the bank...

She said she was heading for a mhc. Not was currently in one. Having the cleaner is crazy.

If anyone sounds like a nob, its not the PP.

Cleaner sounds like a luxury especially as you only work part time. Also if you’re part time, I would use some of that time to earn on Vinted etc

He should be sharing the cost of the costs related your child. Although saying that if he is paying for mortage/food/energy/holiday, you could be getting quite a good deal

What we do is both our salaries go into one pot where all the mortgage, food, kids stuff comes from. Then from that both of us get the same pocket money which we spend on beauty, hobbies, nights out with friends etc. I feel like this is the only way to keep it truly fair as it’s so random to say ‘child related costs’ come from one person and another type of cost someone else

Have you thought about what will happen long term if you break up but don’t own part of the house or any assets? Have you been saving into a pension?

There is something wrong with the benefits system,

Chat GPT isn’t great for advice on topics like this as it will likely just be validating you.

You have minimal outgoings - from what’s listed you surely aren’t spending that much, things like dental appointments aren’t every month and vitamins and tampons don’t exactly add up to a crazy amount.

£4000 of debt when you have no mortgage or “bills” to pay should be easy enough for you to tackle. Drop the cleaner, drop the dry cleaning. Create a strict budget where every pound you earn is accounted for. Aim to be paying at least £500 off your debts every month and within a year they will be gone. Nobody in your “professional” working environment cares that you have grey hair so cut down your hair appointments. So much of what you list are luxuries and not essentials

I don’t think it’s your partners responsibility to pay this off for you when he is covering the household costs and after paying childcare, your income is basically just spending money.

A few things are wrong here.

His therapy 5 times a week is insane. Cost is insane, and like pp says, how the hell does he have something to still talk about that often. Something very off there.

Have you sat down with him and spoken about your debts and finances?

Your spending is also nuts. I agree with others that a job with such a poor salary in London does not warrant dry cleaning. Stop that immediately. If you’re so skint, your priority is to get out of debt, so get rid of the cleaner (or at least cut to every 2 weeks) and use box dye for a bit.

Tampons don’t cost much really, do they.

Your relationship doesn’t sound healthy but you both sound very silly with spending.

The crux of it is you earn £1,500 a month and your ONLY outgoing that is non negotiable is the £130 nursery fee. The rest of it you spunk on luxuries from what I can see. £272 a month on a cleaner. High end make-up. Dry cleaning. All of that is just unnecessary.

Your DP covers the mortgage and all bills and cooks 85 per cent of meals. Sorry, but I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. My guess is he doesn’t step in and cover more because he knows you over spend. It’s mad you’re not married, as if he dies you could be fucked. However you need him a lot more than he needs you. You would be far worse off if you left him.

Your debt is really not that bad, why don’t you ask him to clear your loan, get you out of your overdraft, tell him it’s making you stressed and unwell and tell him you are happy to pay for days out with your toddler and pay for presents for parties and things like that, but cut out the cleaner and ease up on dry cleaning for a bit. I literally had no idea people still used them.

You really could manage on that £1500 quite well as you just pay for extras - in a year or two the nursery care will go as your child will be in school.

How aware is he of your financial situation? You must tell him that it isnt sustainable, that you are going into debt. Therefore it will help if for now (until your earning capacity increases) he covers the cost of childcare and the cleaner. Any caring partner would happily do that. He needs to look at his expenditure and cut his cloth accordingly. If that means one less therapy session a week, so be it. That is a ridiculous amount to spend on therapy - I actually think he is being ripped off. Twice a week should be fine for intensive therapy.

Shouldn’t the OP cut her cloth? Your suggestion for sustainability are all around him giving up things.

Not married, his house, not paying mortgage, debts? I wonder what would happen if you applied for UC? Go and ask them at the JobCentre

He pays for almost everything. You need to budget - your disposable income is more than enough if you stop spending on dry cleaning etc.
He probably feels that by housing his partner and child for free he is doing his bit. Will giving the OP more money actually help if they are poor at budgeting?

This ^

If he needs therapy five times a week he should be in hospital.

So you firstly red to speak to him about contributing to your child’s monthly costs - half nursery and half of expenses like clothes.
Secondly-
cancel contact lenses- wear glasses
dentist - 0nce a year, shop around for a cheaper one
Buy high st face wash, moisturiser, spf, tampons, deodorant, a multi vitamin and make up .
Buy a box dye for roots, get a dry cut twice a year.

All of that should cost you max £100 per month , then half of nursery and child expenses plus travel to work for yourself should come to let’s say £500 a month. That leaves you £900 , save £200 and pay off debt £700 . Your debt will be gone in 5 months then you should save at least £500 a month and over pay into your pension by a couple k e hundred. That would leave you with £800 for your monthly spend and half of dds expenses
Also you are financially vulnerable I’d seriously consider getting married or at least discussing your wills.

I'm really conflicted on this one.

His therapy habit sounds like an hell of an indulgence, about 20k a year(?), but he has a mortgage, houses you and pays all the bills?

You pay "some groceries" and fairly low childcare (130, rising to 330 a month) and most but not all(?) of the child's expenses which sound pretty low except for what you want to do with them when you're out on your 2 days not working? Does he expect you to pay at weekends when you're out together?

So if I've understood that correctly, I'm not sure the outrage that many posters have is well placed. Overall he seems to be significantly subsidising you, leaving you with a lot of disposable income. And I can see why a parent with another child and a lot of assets would not want to get married. It's not really in his interests and very much not for his DC.

Your problem mainly seems to be that you have a low paying job and expenses that don't really match. You're in your late 30s and, even when working full time, on a low wage - so where did these expensive habits come from? Why are your wearing dry clean only clothes to a job that pays so little? Is there scope for improving your earning potential so you can fund expensive habits?

It doesn't sound like he's looking at his life with you as a partnership where you're in it together, but I can also see why he might think he's paying plenty already. 93k is a decent wage, but taxes take plenty and a mortgage in London can be pretty steep. But I can't get over him paying out 2k a month in therapy.

I'm curious - what was this plumbing crisis that you thought required a call out that you were prepared to pay for and he wasn't? Was it really something you should have called someone out for rather than, say, paying off 10% of your credit card?

He’s spending £2,000 a month on therapy and not giving you anything towards your child’s needs? Personally I don’t think £4,000 is a huge amount to be in debt when you have a nursery aged child however you obviously do, so cut out the cleaner and tell him he needs to contribute towards the things for your child or you’ll need to go full time at work.

Any plans to get your ADHD diagnosed and medicated?

Your problem mainly seems to be that you have a low paying job and expenses that don't really match. You're in your late 30s and, even when working full time, on a low wage - so where did these expensive habits come from? Why are your wearing dry clean only clothes to a job that pays so little? Is there scope for improving your earning potential so you can fund expensive habits?

While I agree that OP could definitely cut back on expenses, is her job really that low paying? She said her take-home was 2.5k full-time. I earn £50k and don't take home that much more than that after pension and student loan. I don't need to wear blazers etc to work, but I don't find it impossible to imagine a job paying 40-50k FTE where there is an expectation of wearing suit equivalents.

Your employer should pick up the tab for dry-cleaning "work clothes" if they want you to wear a particular uniform or type of items.

Yeah you need to ditch the expenses. Vitamins and a cleaner and dry cleaner are not things you should be paying for when you work so few hours and are in debt.

What about the op cutting her cluxury costs? And paying rent or some of the mortgage its funny how understanding partnes should be when it is thr man that is the bank

This. We are financially comfortable, and I wouldn’t pay for any of these things. You can’t really moan about it being in debt whilst paying for luxuries that a lot of people couldn’t afford.

I think my point is that she is in a really dodgy situation if he leaves her

I think sharing his large salary is a distractor here and done to attract sympathy but actually goes against you. You aren't paying rent or bills, and the main household thing you contribute to is the luxury of a cleaner. Surely if that was necessary he should pay for that, but because you work part time (through choice) then I expect he thinks you should pull your weight.

I do agree with a poster that suggests maybe you are poor at budgeting which is why he doesn't want to step in. You are a grown adult and need to take responsibility for your choices. Buying luxury make up, having clothes dry cleaned and getting your hair done so frequently by a hairdresser are all luxuries and the things people on your income do not spend money on. I earn less than you, I do not wear make up but do buy a face cream perhaps once a month. Dentist I try to do just once a year and the hygienist twice. Haircuts are also a 6 monthly trip to the hairdresser and I am embracing greys so only get a cut.

I do think he could perhaps pay more for your shared child as you do mention buying them clothes and treats....but I also wonder if he doesn't because you spend excessively on this too (how often are you buying them clothes? Is this dry clean only or designer outfits?).

As others have suggested once you pay for childcare you need to use your money to start paying the debt. You have plenty of disposable income once nursery is paid, so if you pay that first then you know you can't spend any more.
I assume you are frittering it away with your child on your days at home so in some ways maybe it would be cost effective for you to work full time and them to go to nursery. You would then be earning more and not have the time to waste in shops buying treats for you or your child.

His therapy seems insanely self-indulgent to me.

You don’t seem to be communicating with him about your finances? That’s step one, tell him the situation. Then you can work out together what to do.

I’d gently suggest that the five hours a week of psychoanalysis might be best replaced with one hour a week each of couples and individual counselling. How and why has he even got on the psychoanalysis train?

Utter bonkers- all of it !