Trans widow and feel so much pain for her

[Hotandbithered]

I know this is not actually my grief but DH has a good friend who we have known throughout our marriage, let’s call him Steve.

Steve was married to Jess and had two children.

We spent a lot of time with them over the years. Camping trips, dinners, bbqs, birthdays. Steve was your classic sort of male really. He was quite attractive, funny, polite, well educated and both he and Jess very successful, had a beautiful home.

Anyway getting to the point. Almost out of the blue (to us at least), a few years ago Steve began transitioning. He is not short of money and has had facial surgery multiple times, paid for himself. He is extremely supportive of the trans community and recognises he is lucky he can access this sort of treatment.

Jess stayed with him through this, went to the appointments, talked to their kids about what this meant (primary age) and tried to stick in the marriage. It’s now broken down and they are doing their best to be great co parents to their children.

Jess’ grief is immeasurable. This couple always seemed so in love, so respectful of one another. She says she feels like her husband has died yet she has to experience this new person in his place, like he’s been stolen from her. I too have felt this obviously to a much lesser degree, but its truly life changing to even be affected by it even a little bit.

I should add that I have no strong views on what or who people choose to be but I suppose I am shocked that a person can live a lie for so long and especially put their children through it? DH has tried to be supportive but I think struggles more with Steve’s new interests more than anything, as in they don’t have much to talk about anymore as Steve is consumed by this (I suppose understandably) and his focus on what makes him a woman rather than anything else.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Just feel grief for Jess and for DH and wonder if others have been through similar how they navigated it.

Exactly, Steve is a man, who had sex with a woman and fathered children.
Steve is still a man, but wants to wear clothes that would stereotypically seen as women’s and be seen as a woman. Male liking sex with females, how can homophobia be seen in that?

@Thatannoyingone of course AGP is a thing. Men have all sorts of paraphelias. Being aroused by cross dressing and/or the thought of themselves as a woman is as old as time.

You haven’t answers the PP question about the men who admit they are an AGP, are they lying?

It's really hard on any friendship - or relationship - when people get obsessed with anything. My friend became unhealthily obsessed with her dog and had to bring him everywhere, which meant that we became severely curtailed in what we could do. No theatre, no favourite restaurant anymore, no cinema, and if she had an appt where she couldn't take him, like a hospital appt, she would get a babysitter for him. A BABYSITTER FOR THE DOG!!!! It really strained our friendship, a strain that didn't let up until the poor doggie passed away. Another friend lost her husband to a fencing hobby. Anyone who gets obsessed with something becomes a complete pain in the arse, no matter what it is. I think Jess's life will be a lot more balanced without her mental husband in it.

This is life destroying for Jess. I can’t imagine how betrayed she must feel; and I don’t know how you rebuild your confidence or judgement because this would destroy it. You’d feel your judgement was all wrong and you’d never trust again I don’t think; not really.
Keep supporting her. I’m not surprised she feels grief - I agree it’s worse because now there’s a ‘new’ person just rubbing it in your face. Best of luck to your friend. The selfishness of her ex is abhorrent. x

This is the most difficult part. He can leave, people do, but this is unfair on the dc.

The obsession is the problematic bit, I agree. Our close friends went bonkers with the acquisition of a lunatic dog. The friendship will never recover.

Like Jane Fae, extreme porn advocate, who told his daughter he was transitioning the night before an AS exam. ttps://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/18/gender-dysmorphia-daughter-dad-woman

But also… he’s not a woman and never can be. Calling yourself a widow because you feel bereaved is fairly mild compared with the accusations of genocide and deadnaming that come from the other direction, isn’t it?

People who claim they have AGP are in the same boat of people that can't move on with science or don't know that science has moved on, so they will use the term as a way to express themselves even though it doesn't correspond with what they are.

If someone who thinks they have AGP had a therapy session and talked this over with a professional they would realise that the term is outdated/doesn't actually exist. They would most likely be diagnosed with body dysmorphia ect.

Also, I am not talking about kinks in which the majority of the people here are, kinks and being transgender are two very different things and a person can be both trans and have a kink.

Are they in the same boat as people who claim they have changed sex?

1. Jess is not a widow.
2. Steve is a selfish shit treating his wife this way.

Sorry Izzy, I didn't realise that you'd also pointed out the obvious.

I know Steve can’t help feeling the way he does but I find this really selfish. It must be so awful for the poor children to understand. Plus poor Jess. I don’t know how I’d cope in this situation.

I think we're discussing different things. My comment was about recognising Jess's grief while also acknowledging that Steve is making decisions he believes are right for his life. The OP asked how to navigate that situation, rather than inviting a debate about gender identity.

You're assuming it's a fetish, but there's no basis for assuming that's true in Steve's case. By "living authentically" I simply meant living in accordance with what he genuinely believes about himself, whether or not I agree with it. That doesn't mean Jess's grief is any less real. I think both things can be true at once: Steve believes he's doing what's right for him, and Jess has lost the husband and marriage she thought she'd have.

thank you - trying to be the voice of reason - I have no particular views on trans rights either way.

I agree that must be terrible. I hope the core personality of their father as a supportive dad is still there for the children though. It must be tremendously hard for the wife.
It’s beyond my comprehension that someone would break up their family in this way, but it’s clearly important to them to feel they are in the right skin and hopefully this will give them peace.,

Your posts focus on the adults, and people can separate and not communicate anymore but having dc makes it much harder.

The painful part is how to navigate dc being asked to use mummy for their dad.

Confused no one died and they are getting divorced so what it happens every day

Intersex is not an outdated term, both Intersex and DSDs exist and overlap at some points people who have different variations of chromosomes chose which one they identify with more.

As for the homophobia if you read through this thread you will see people going on how the children in this situation will have to call their now trans mother 'mum', and going on how this is bad for the "kids" having two mothers, this to me sounds both homophobic and tansphobic.

And my institutions comment, I'm going to ask you a question, if you don't like trans people or anyone who doesn't fit your ideal way of living as you are part of a large group on here... what do you want? These people do exist trans people exist and the majority of posters here are slandering them, where do you want them to be? As it sounds like you don't want them to live a normal life.

You are ranting at the wrong person. I have every sympathy for the poor wife. It's also true the man is not dead. The title of the thread should have posited the distraught wife & confused dc not the man 'living' a lie.