Trans widow and feel so much pain for her

[Hotandbithered]

I know this is not actually my grief but DH has a good friend who we have known throughout our marriage, let’s call him Steve.

Steve was married to Jess and had two children.

We spent a lot of time with them over the years. Camping trips, dinners, bbqs, birthdays. Steve was your classic sort of male really. He was quite attractive, funny, polite, well educated and both he and Jess very successful, had a beautiful home.

Anyway getting to the point. Almost out of the blue (to us at least), a few years ago Steve began transitioning. He is not short of money and has had facial surgery multiple times, paid for himself. He is extremely supportive of the trans community and recognises he is lucky he can access this sort of treatment.

Jess stayed with him through this, went to the appointments, talked to their kids about what this meant (primary age) and tried to stick in the marriage. It’s now broken down and they are doing their best to be great co parents to their children.

Jess’ grief is immeasurable. This couple always seemed so in love, so respectful of one another. She says she feels like her husband has died yet she has to experience this new person in his place, like he’s been stolen from her. I too have felt this obviously to a much lesser degree, but its truly life changing to even be affected by it even a little bit.

I should add that I have no strong views on what or who people choose to be but I suppose I am shocked that a person can live a lie for so long and especially put their children through it? DH has tried to be supportive but I think struggles more with Steve’s new interests more than anything, as in they don’t have much to talk about anymore as Steve is consumed by this (I suppose understandably) and his focus on what makes him a woman rather than anything else.

I don’t know what I am asking really. Just feel grief for Jess and for DH and wonder if others have been through similar how they navigated it.

No. He is a heterosexual man. The lie will be him pretending that he is a woman.

You know it makes sense, but pretend that it doesn't.

"Actual" studies on a crossdressing website...

OK, so if AGP has been debunked what do you say to the people who transitioned and state that they have AGP?

Why is stating a trans identity valid, but stating an AGP identity not valid?

All you can do is support your husband and your friend through their grief really. It's unlikely your husband's friendship will survive, my partner had a good friend who became/ came out as trans, the friendship did not survive as all the friend was bothered about was maintaining friendships with women and going shopping, dressing up, having their hair done. As if that's all women do.
They were totally obsessed with the transition and could no longer be an actual friend to anyone. The male friends got dropped immediately.

The insane women on here who live in their transphobic echo chamber under the false guise of ‘feminism’ won’t like that but yes you are correct. They will unfortunately claim that the evidence you have provided has been paid for or used to support these sexual deviants 😂😂😂
they are hilarious to read and engage with honestly. Nasty women who thankfully make up a very small portion of the population no matter what they think!

1. He thinks he is a transgender woman.
2. He did not inform his wife of this, hence, he was living a lie.

I am not sure why this is difficult to understand.

My relative's in-law identifies as female and is feminised in appearance, but socially is all Aussi bloke. Clever, thoughtful, witty and generally a good companion, but still masquerading. And apparently still with male genitalia so capable of fathering children.

That's not "debunking". Anyway, there are in fact plenty of trans women posting clear autogynapheliac content on social media.

@CatesandAle

if Steve had been a gender confused child, everyone on here would have wanted him to get counselling. If Steve had not desisted at 18, we’d have been fine with it if he wanted to crack on - he’s an adult, provided he doesn’t use female only spaces, it’s all good - live your life as a transwoman. It’s not the case that not transitioning as a child means you have to have four children and then force them to call you mummy!

You really don’t give a crap about anyone but the man so you?

Being a parent means you put your kids first. You sacrifice for your kids. That’s what being a parent means.

when the adult is a victim the child becomes a victim. Steve decided to believe he was the victim, and in putting his ‘victimhood’ first he made his kids the victim.

Unforgiveable behaviour.

He’s not special because he is ‘trans’, no matter how much he or you want to believe he is.

He’s just another bog standard selfish bastard man who put his life before his kids. He’s no different fron a man who abandons his kids for his mistress or a bachelor lifestyle or whatever else he decides is more important than being a Dad. To him, his playing at womanhood is more important than being a father to his children, and he’s prepared to fuck them up to live his ‘dream’.

Shameless.

An AP is totally not the same. For 22 yrs she has believed she was with a man who loved her as man and woman. 22 yrs of life gone and wondering if there was any truth at all, therefore her whole life is a lie - can you not imagine how destroyed you would feel?
It is 100% not the same as an affair, when your partener remains a man and falls for someone else!
We have a friend who married for yrs , had several kids and whose husband then decided he was gay, left the family home and blew up his wife & kids lives with the role and lifestyle he now wanted to lead. If uou DARED to question /speak to him you were told you were homphobic and that he deserved to live his real life !
What sort of life did his wife deserve?

Everyone should be allowed their true life BUT you should NOT blow everyone else's to smithereens to achieve yours!

I would find it harder because I would think that our entire relationship had been a lie not just the most recent time. I would question if he ever had feelings for me.

I also think that there’s a societal pressure to feel that people like Steve are being stunningly brave. So you have to navigate that on top of losing your husband. Plus the confusion of your husband now being a woman for your children.

So no I don’t think it’s the same, at least it wouldn’t be for me.

@Hotandbitheredyou might find it helpful to watch the series Transparent on Amazon. It’s about a parent that comes out as trans late in life with adult children. It isn’t some simplistic woke or anti trans agenda, it shows how all their lives are disrupted (even if the lead is liberated by it) and forces them all to confront a lot of buried resentments. Yes the lead is liberated, but there is massive disruption to everyone’s lives. It also explores selfishness and entitlement, and a complete lack of awareness of the impact that self-absorption can have on others. It’s sensitive to the internal struggle of the lead but not their behaviour. Inherited trauma going back to persecution of LGBTQ people in Berlin in WW2. Gender and sexuality as fluid, but that fluidity not always being empowering but messy and destabilising. There’s so much to it and I think it could validate what you are your friend are going through xx

For whatever reason I seem to have experienced an abnormal number of transitioning relationships over the years. My DM's not stepson came out in the 1980s, but never went beyond dumping DM with two suitcases full of unsuitably prostitutish lingerie. Another one I recounted above. there are tensions. And my only DS had a very intense love relationship with a WtM in mid-shift.

I have sort of stopped judging.

I know someone well.whose father did this when she was a teenager about 20 years ago .She is the wife of my sons best friend if that akes sensë and they were childhood sweethearts probably fortunately so she has had her DHs support through all the stages . They all went to school together So I have known her from childhood . I can"t offer any wisdom but just empathise . The ramifications go on for.years. All I can say is support your friend and her children as much as possible.

No you’re doing the policing. And you’re derailing the thread. If it offends you maybe scroll on rather than stopping the OP getting some advice and support.

Surely all all you can reasonably do is support Jess and the kids as best you can? Am afraid I would have zero sympathy for the cosplaying male.

Then why do they call their old other-gender name their 'dead name'?

You are wrong. It is effectively a death. The man you were married to has died, and in his place is a woman who is a stranger. "Widow" is both a poignant and accurate description for many wives who find themselves in this position.

Really? This deluded man has put his wife and children through an immense trauma, and is continuing to do so by gaslighting everyone to force them to refer to his as ‘her’ and his kids to refer to him as ‘mummy’. And you think those of us who believe it’s a disgusting way to behave are bigots? You’ve really got a screwed up idea of right and wrong here. Shame on you.

Can you point to the homophobia on this thread? I haven't seen any, nor have I seen anyone talking about bringing back institutions. Odd thing to say.

Intersex is an outdated medical term. The people affected, their families and the HCPs and scientists who support them prefer to talk about disorders of sexual development or DSDs. This is a better term because intersex sounds like it's a third sex somewhere between male and female. That is impossible. Every single human being who's ever lived is either male or female, just like all the other mammals. DSDs are sex specific.

I had a school friend who’s dad did this around her GCSEs and he actually came to parents evening dressed up. I felt awful for her at the time but now I’m an adult it really must have been tough.

I think all you can do is offer Jess support and a safe space to vent and say how she feels if she wants to.

Agree.

WTF women don’t father children. Your friend should have thought more about his female-ness before he did so. Totally selfish, poor children.

I disagree. He must have had an idea of his interests before he conned an innocent woman into devoting her life to him and having kids with him.

I don't think there's been much antipathy or antagonism on this thread. Some people have acknowledged that it's never easy on the people closest to those transitioning. And it has to be a dreadful shock to the system, wherever it comes from.

However, I remain convinced that single sex spaces and single sex sports competitions are non-negotiable. It is ridiculous to expect even Amazonian women to play tennis or cycle against male rivals.