AIBU to feel disappointed my daughter will not visit terminally ill DH

[Leonsma]

Hi all, so my DH (not DDs dad but has been in her life since she was 2 years old) was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, we are really struggling as a family to cope. I have one DD from my first marriage who is 25 and 3 teenagers with my husband. We all live in London.

My issue is DD has made no effort to see us, she’s always busy, last weekend was a wedding, this weekend she’s at Silverstone, next weekend her boyfriend got them tickets for Wimbledon final, weekend after that they are going on holiday etc etc.
It’s non stop, she claims the next time she has a completely free weekend is the start of October!!
I asked if she could come over for just a morning or even after work, she said no she’s too busy, we are only 25 minutes away on the tube so it’s hardly a cross country mission.

Im really disappointed she’s making no effort to see DH who has done so much for DD or to see her own siblings who could really do with some support.

AIBU to think she’s being extremely selfish, and to feel disappointed in her?

Did she used to see you before the cancer diagnosis?
Or always has lived her life

It’s been up and down, she lived abroad until last summer, she went to uni abroad etc, but since coming back to London we’ve been seeing her about once a month, the last time we saw her was mid May and she claims she’s busy until the start of October!

Sounds like she doesn’t want to tell you/thinks she won’t be believed if she tells you the real reason why she doesn’t want to see her stepfather.

Has she been treated fairly?
what’s the age gap between her and siblings?

Are you sure they got on well?

It could also be avoidance op.

My mum wouldn’t go and see her mum when in a similar situation because she was in denial.

Hinting at abuse is a bit of a reach.

Does she understand that a cancer diagnosis means he may not be here for much longer (if that is the case with your DH?) ? If she does she’s being selfish and unreasonable. If she hasn’t grasped this maybe it needs explaining?

A horrible situation for you, but it can be hard when young and working ft as your time is already fully allocated and leave is limited. We tend to accrue flexibility with age/experience, but I remember times when it would have been almost impossible to take a morning off work.

Perhaps she doesn’t really get what the diagnosis means so is reluctant to cancel expensive weekend plans.

Another part of me wonders, given that you remarried and had three further children, whether there were periods when she felt that you weren’t prioritising her and now perhaps she is unconsciously returning that in kind?

I think it’s possibly avoidance, if she can’t see it it’s not happening type of thing.
tell her you are worried she may regret not making time to see him if his death is imminent x

I was going to say YABU until I saw she’s only 25 mins away - less than most people in London commute to work, so she could come over for dinner for sure.

As sure as I can be, DD lived abroad for a while, she is very close to her dad, but she has been on days out with just DH in the last 2 years, used to call him when he was on long drives when she was younger, they went to the football together a few times in the last year.

Some 25yr olds are still incredibly self centred. I suspect she’ll regret her attitude when she’s had time to grow up and reflect after he’s gone.

In the meantime, focus on supporting your teens as they need you more.

Yes absolutely likely to be avoidance- I've seen this play out several times.

So sorry for what you're going through, OP.

She can’t handle seeing him dying. Doesn’t help you, but it’s understandable.

She doesn’t want to visit, she’s gets to make that choice.
But I think it’s selfish as I’m sure you and her half siblings would appreciate some support.

It’s been up and down, she lived abroad until last summer, she went to uni abroad etc, but since coming back to London we’ve been seeing her about once a month,

So she's not close and hasn't been for a while. Add in a partner who she wants to do exciting things with then it's not surprising. Some people aren't very good with other people's ill health either, nevermind a terminal diagnosis.

Do you call each other in between visits?

I’d say they have been close in the last year, like I mentioned above they’ve gone to the football together a few times.

We call about once a week, but usually she’s either a little drunk and has called on the walk home or she’s walking to work/home and a bit distracted!

Sorry you’re going through this OP. I suspect she hasn’t fully grasped the seriousness or indeed the impact of the diagnosis on you all. I think you should tell her how you feel. It may be poorly received but it needs to be said.

She likely just can’t face it. It is scary and she has a convenient escape route. She’s likely worried or anxious about what she says to him - sorry you are dying…? Perhaps you could get her over on a pretext of doing a job so younger sibling needs someone to take them somewhere- can she do it? People find handling vulnerability hard - you and your DH are the strong ones - always there, know what to do, but now that isn’t the case and that is scary. Perhaps you can find a way of addressing this with her whilst gently point8ng out that stepping up to support you would be appreciated.

I absolutely agree with this. She can’t actually process the implications of the diagnosis and she doesn’t have the emotional maturity to engage with you or him about it. That early twenties age is quite an immature and self-centred one and she has probably never experienced anyone of your generation dying yet. Her head is in the sand and if she doesn’t physically see it she can avoid facing up to it. I am so sorry for your situation. My Dad died of cancer when I was 25. I didn’t really accept it and the end actually came sooner than predicted so I never had some conversations that I really should have.

I'm really sorry about your DH @Leonsma . I'm sure that you've posted about your DD before and if that was you, it's no surprise she won't come. This is a much bigger situation than you've described.

Sounds to me like it could be her coping tactic. I’m not saying she is right or wrong but some people would rather pretend it’s not happening rather than face the sad reality.

Utterly uncalled for and extremely nasty to OP at such an awful time.

Agree, shame on you @Darragon a total reach and no suggestion of that in anything posted