AIBU to feel disappointed my daughter will not visit terminally ill DH

[Leonsma]

Hi all, so my DH (not DDs dad but has been in her life since she was 2 years old) was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, we are really struggling as a family to cope. I have one DD from my first marriage who is 25 and 3 teenagers with my husband. We all live in London.

My issue is DD has made no effort to see us, she’s always busy, last weekend was a wedding, this weekend she’s at Silverstone, next weekend her boyfriend got them tickets for Wimbledon final, weekend after that they are going on holiday etc etc.
It’s non stop, she claims the next time she has a completely free weekend is the start of October!!
I asked if she could come over for just a morning or even after work, she said no she’s too busy, we are only 25 minutes away on the tube so it’s hardly a cross country mission.

Im really disappointed she’s making no effort to see DH who has done so much for DD or to see her own siblings who could really do with some support.

AIBU to think she’s being extremely selfish, and to feel disappointed in her?

From how you’ve described your daughter, she sounds very independent and in control of her life. Do you think that’s some of it? She can’t handle what is going on, so she is immersing herself in the stuff that she knows; work, hobbies,etc,etc to keep busy so she doesn’t have to think about it and she can’t create the time to visit. This avoiding facing up to the whole situation. If she comes to visit, she has to face up to losing her beloved step dad, facing you and your grief and her siblings loss too, and it’s everything that she can’t control.

This is probably the biggest thing in her life, so far, that she’s had to face and she doesn’t know how to do it. She is probably terrified in her own way of facing you all and losing control and never regaining it again.

Can you talk with her and her boyfriend to see if you can talk openly and honestly about how she needs to face up to this now or it will hit her harder later?

So sorry op . She's being selfish and horrible. Who cares if she doesn't want to see him ill, no one enjoys illness. She should be there for you and her sibs if nothing else.

You need to say bright and breezy 'we'd like to see you before Oct please let me know when you're popping up'.

I agree that your daughter needs to be made fully aware of any urgency.
There are two parts to it I think - I agree that your DH has been a key figure in her life and if he would like to see her, then she should make the effort for him - and for herself.
I think the expectation of support for everyone else may not be reasonable. She is only 25. From my own adult children that seems to be a time of wall to wall plans and not much flexibility.
I would try and set your needs and those of her step siblings aside and focus on the importance for her to see DH while there is still time - and frame it like that.

No. You don’t know what this daughter is dealing with, in her own life. She isn’t pivotal in this situation and putting pressure on her would be unnecessary and potentially damaging to her.

No. I agree with @AppleDumplingWithCustard This woman is 25, not 15. No one wants to face loved ones being extremely unwell, particularly when it’s immediate family, but it’s part of being an adult. And actually, when she finally grows up, I think she will regret her selfish actions.
At 25 she should be able to consider not only the impact on her, but also on those around her.

She's 25 years old, she doesn't have to do what her mother tells her any more. If my mother tried to be that controlling I'd be moving abroad again.

I dont agree my neighbours son died a few years ago I supported him whilst his son was dying and afterwards its something that many do for those we like and care about.
When at work my role is to support the dying person and the family hopefully to enable them to support each other. I cannot be with them 24/7 so I aim to support them so that they can start their grieving journey. I'm not wording it very well but if families are able to support each other then hopefully the outcomes for all of them will be better.

While I agree we need to be sympathetic to how others feel, I do think sometimes this 'I must protect my own wellbeing' kind of movement has gone a bit far. You see it on here, people using their own 'wellbeing' or 'looking after themselves' as excuses to not take part in stuff that plenty of the rest of us don't particularly enjoy either but do it because it's important to someone we care about or because it's something we know we are morally obligated to do.

It's become like this get out of jail free card for anything difficult - 'I have to look after myself first,' 'I have to consider my own wellbeing.' The problem is that the pendulum for some people swings too far and they only ever look after themselves or consider their own wellbeing. There's a selfishness in it I think that is disguised under the banner of 'self care'. My friend's husband uses the 'I need to look after my own health/wellbeing' spiel a lot to get out of family obligations like christenings and gatherings when the reality is that he just doesn't want to go, not that going will cause him a lifetime of mental woe or cause anything other than a couple of hours of his life that aren't that enjoyable.

In this situation, I don't doubt her visiting may be difficult and cause longer term upset, but that's sort of what happens when a family member dies. We can't (or rather shouldn't) avoid it. She's not a child and barring any drip feed from OP about a poor relationship etc., this isn't all about her.

Test please ignore

But how do you know this is a 'loved one'? How do we know this is (as someone else stated) 'someone she cares about'? Maybe it's just her mother's husband that she gets on ok with most of the time but isn't at all close to. I'd be very surprised if she regretted her actions, if she's not bothered about seeing him why would she become more bothered at a later date?

I wonder how much her mother considered the impact on her dd when she moved this man in and then had three kids with him.

You don’t know her. Nor do I. We have no idea how she is doing. Saying ‘ tough’ in this situation was obtuse and callous, potentially. Why pounce to attack the daughter as selfish?
her mother says her daughter only phones home while a bit tipsy and walking along the street…… this implies avoidant behaviour. Dutch courage, keep it brief.

But you have no idea how much she likes or cares about him - this is not her dad, it's the man her mum married and she had no choice about. it's not her job to make sure the outcomes are better for her step siblings. You were obviously happy to support your neighbour and that is of course your choice. It's ok for her to make a different choice.

You could be right but I would like to hope that she cares enough abut her mum to want to support her. Again in my extensive experience both personally and professionally supporting those we love in particular our mums (and dads) is away from MN is pretty normal behaviour.

See my comment above.
I feel sad that so many on here don’t seem to have much compassion for their family friends neighbours etc.
They always say when the chips are down you fidn out who you can really count on.

Because it’s still her mother? Even if she dislikes her Step Dad (and op has given precisely zero indication of that, if the daughter is going to events with him, on her own) it doesn’t take a great deal of emotional intelligence to realise her mother might need support whilst her husband is dying?
And I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if she regrets her actions. Some young people today are, like PP said, so blinded by social media speak “boundaries” and “protecting my peace” that they behave in ways which frankly are abhorrent. Personally? I wouldn’t want to live with those regrets.

YABU. Everyone copes with death differently.

"I often think people think if they talk about it it will speed it up (if you dont talk about it it wont happen) and they will have to acknowledge that the person they love will soon no longer be here"

Speaking for myself only here, I "know" DH's lifespan is now limited, but other than giving us reasons to do things we might have put off, until he is actually terminally ill with it, spending time thinking/talking about it - how sad it is, how awful, how unfair, how scared he is - feels like wasting the time we have thinking about something we can't do anything about.

It is sad, and awful, and unfair, and scary. But talking about it doesn't change it, it just makes us feel sad and awful and cheated and scared.

So it's not so much that I think talking about it will speed it up, more that cancer is going to take so much away from us that I don't want to give it even a second more of our time or attention than we have to.

Maybe she just wants to remember things how they were. I can still remember seeing my grandma when she was near the end and i went to pieces. She died in hospital and i convinced myself that i would die in hospital when i had to go to a and e. Yes young people can be selfish but she has got to do what feels right for her.

@Leonsma please can you confirm that you've posted about your DD before and there's a long back story of very low contact? It's a bit shitty to have everyone piling on your DD.

“That’s what therapists are for”

Oh give over - what rubbish

I haven’t posted about DD before no?

There is no long history of low contact. She went to university in the US then moved to Germany for a few years (her dad is Half German/Half Russian, and had recently moved back to Germany), we were still in touch during this, visits etc.

When I say up and down I mean very normal teenage and young adult up and down rather than true fall out.

Oh this is so sad.

Does she understand? Is she just thinking oh it’ll be fine, I can see him at Christmas?

Ah okay, sorry. There was a very similar thread with a similarly distant/busy older DD and younger half siblings.

Yes I thought this was the poster with the French exH who raised the DD as the OP abandoned her to start her second family. Even if it's not, we're not getting the full background here.

DD hasn’t always been this busy, she has a new …. Wealthier boyfriend and he seems to be finding 20 once in a lifetime opportunities every month!