AIBU to feel disappointed my daughter will not visit terminally ill DH

[Leonsma]

Hi all, so my DH (not DDs dad but has been in her life since she was 2 years old) was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, we are really struggling as a family to cope. I have one DD from my first marriage who is 25 and 3 teenagers with my husband. We all live in London.

My issue is DD has made no effort to see us, she’s always busy, last weekend was a wedding, this weekend she’s at Silverstone, next weekend her boyfriend got them tickets for Wimbledon final, weekend after that they are going on holiday etc etc.
It’s non stop, she claims the next time she has a completely free weekend is the start of October!!
I asked if she could come over for just a morning or even after work, she said no she’s too busy, we are only 25 minutes away on the tube so it’s hardly a cross country mission.

Im really disappointed she’s making no effort to see DH who has done so much for DD or to see her own siblings who could really do with some support.

AIBU to think she’s being extremely selfish, and to feel disappointed in her?

If you are calling every week then I agree with this pp. At her age she won't be thinking about mortality in people close to her, it happens to other people. You must be upset on so many levels atm and I apologise if my previous post came across as snippy. It wasn't meant to be.

I suspect she hasn’t fully grasped the seriousness or indeed the impact of the diagnosis on you all

Are you actually trying to suggest that OPs dying husband has caused her not to come see them? Jesus, there's hatred for men then this is something else, have a look in the mirror and stop trying to plant a completely fabricated nasty story about a dying man.
Sorry you are dealing with this OP, people like this haven't got a brain cell.

YABU to jump straight to your DD being selfish. Maybe she is struggling with the news and scared to face up to reality. 25 is still pretty young, it might not even be a conscious decision to avoid it.

Don't be hurt OP. People deal with terminal illness in different ways.

My brother was a grown man in his 50s, but when our mum was dying, he was suddenly too busy. The reality was he couldn't cope with not being able to fix her. And he wanted to remember her how she had been, ie bossy & noisy, not frail and dying.

Oddly, dm understood.

Don't push your dd, let her deal with it in her own way.

she’s not able to face it. i feel for her but even more so for you. i think you need to be blunt with her for everyone’s sake as she will likely regret not seeing him before he dies.

Does she understand how bad things are with his health? Is she perhaps in denial about it or scared of facing it?

I would have a frank discussion with her that says ‘Look, X is dying, he may not be here in October. It would mean a huge amount to him and to me if you could spare a couple of hours to visit some time. I know it might be difficult for you and I do understand but I would hate for either of you to miss out on this last opportunity to spend some time together. I’m sure we can find a time that works for both of us.’

She's young, in an exciting and busy phase of her life and it also doesn't sound like she's particularly close to your husband. Yes he's her step father but you said she's very close to her dad so for her it's not as important as if it were you or her dad. It's a shame and she might regret not visiting when it's too late but unfortunately there's nothing you can do to force the issue. You can explain that he'd appreciate a visit and how serious the situation is but you can't make her visit. Good luck OP - I hope you have friends and family who can give you some TLC when you need it.

Agree with pp that you need to be frank with her about likely timescales and outcomes. Not just for her but for you so when the worst happens, if she’s wracked with guilt, you know you did all you could.

Get your mind out of the gutter. Utterly shameful.

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

With apologies for the bluntness, I think how you handle DD differs depending on how much time the diagnosis suggests he has.

If there is not long, you need to tell her with no room for misunderstanding what that timescle looks like and that if she intends to see him at all she needs to do so now.

If there is still likely some time to go and the reason you want her to visit now is for support and to start the process of accepting what is coming as a family, I'd be inclined to let it go but make sure that October date is properly locked in.

(For context to the bluntness, my DH has incurable cancer that will become terminal, so we are also balancing knowing what is coming with the need for ourselves and others to be still living our lives. My thoughts are with you.)

It could be avoidance, I.e. being scared of witnessing what is happening to her stepfather, it could be thoughtlessness or selfishness, or she could simply be overwhelmed by what is happening and the impending death of the man who raised her.

Either way, I would explain the reality of the situation to her and urge her to at least come to dinner once in a while. Tell her how much it would mean to her stepfather in the remaining time he has left. Spell it out, so she gets it and cannot hide behind an excuse of “I didn’t realise how serious it is/was”.

i wouldn't say anything more about it to her but I certainly wouldn't be forgetting it

Thats very selfish indeed. Some folk do have a fear of illness but I still think it's no excuse.

Yes I think she’s being selfish. She could take some time off work if she wanted to see you. A couple of days. I’d visit my worst enemy if they had terminal cancer and nobody else to see them let alone my step dad. I’d ask her why she’s being such a selfish cow when your husband and her siblings’ dad is dying tbh. Hold no punches.

I would give her the benefit of the doubt that she is either young, self absorbed and doesn’t really “get it”, or that she is actively avoiding DH because she will find it very upsetting. Either way, I would have a clear conversation about the prognosis and how you expect her to make time for DH and the family to show that she cares. I would be disappointed in my daughter if she couldn’t spare a couple of hours to see DH or even show support for the family if she wasn’t close to DH

Yes, I would be really disappointed too OP! Call her up, tell her in no uncertain terms he is dying and that you all need to see her. And if she is too selfish, then remember it in the future when she needs you.

Sorry OP. YANBU. She sounds utterly selfish and insensitive.

I would assume it’s too much for her to handle and just keep her informed and keep on being her mum. It’s probable that she doesn’t know how to support you, or how to be around you, or him, in such a difficult period.

My gran died last year and when we knew it was getting near the end for her I really struggled to make myself visit. I knew I'd struggle to hold it together and didn't want my Gran to see me upset when it was her who was dying. I also really struggled when my FIL was dying, we knew he didn't have long left. I'm just very emotional and don't want them to see that.

Some people really don't want to do one last visit or to say goodbye. They just want to remember things how they were. If i were you I'd tell her this is her chance to see him before he gets very poorly or before he goes (I'm sorry, I'm not sure how close to the end your DH is) and that her siblings would really appreciate seeing her. As long as she knows this it's in her hands, she will have to live with whatever she decides.

To me this sounds like she may have felt pushed out, especially going abroad and staying abroad until last year. I think it would be hard for a child to not feel pushed out when her mum marries a new man and has 3(!) kids with him. It would be natural to feel like an outnumbered outsider.

She wasn’t very close if she was only seeing you as often as you say. Now she might be trying to put more distance in place. She probably has some complex feelings about her stepfather and about the entire family. I understand that you’re hurt, but I don’t think that it’s helpful to frame it as her being selfish and you being disappointed. Nor is it reasonable to expect her to step in and comfort her teenage half-siblings. I also think that any attempt to bring it up with her might result in some harsh truths that you won’t be in a place to handle right now.

I’m sorry about your husband. I think the best thing you can do is focus on him and your younger three and let your older daughter continue to navigate on her own. She will come to you when and if she’s ready, and I think removing the expectations you have will help you feel less upset about this part of the situation. Hugs to you. Cancer sucks. 💐

Avoidant behaviour. My own father died when I was 25. We lived in the same city. They had to phone me at work even though it was completely expected and he was receiving end of life care for a few days. I remember the office manager sitting me down and saying very carefully that I wasn't to come to work for the rest of the week and I needed to take some time. I think I was trying to block it out.

I’m so sorry OP 💐

You might need to be blunt, very clearly state thst her step father is dying and she need to come visit him not only to show him she cares but also to support you and her siblings.

She might respond better to being told that she is needed.

This is not a question you need to answer, but what timeframe is the terminal cancer? Does your daughter think he has time? (ie prognosis is years/months as opposed to days/weeks) We can all only guess why she hasn’t visited, have you ever simply outright asked her, in a non judgmental way?

I'd spell it out to her once - just once - and very seriously, about what a terminal diagnosis really means, and the timescale. Let her know you will need and appreciate support. Then leave it with her.

She may step up, she may not, but she is 25 and a grown woman now. Such things are a sad but real part of life. If she doesn't visit for whatever reason, I wouldn't entertain any outpourings of guilt afterwards, when the sad day comes.

Agreed. She's in denial or are you maybe playing down the diagnosis without realising? The same happened with my dad. My mum never told me how serious my dad was when he had colon cancer 😞
But if she is aware,then she's being so selfish. You're needing support from her too.