AIBU to feel disappointed my daughter will not visit terminally ill DH

[Leonsma]

Hi all, so my DH (not DDs dad but has been in her life since she was 2 years old) was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, we are really struggling as a family to cope. I have one DD from my first marriage who is 25 and 3 teenagers with my husband. We all live in London.

My issue is DD has made no effort to see us, she’s always busy, last weekend was a wedding, this weekend she’s at Silverstone, next weekend her boyfriend got them tickets for Wimbledon final, weekend after that they are going on holiday etc etc.
It’s non stop, she claims the next time she has a completely free weekend is the start of October!!
I asked if she could come over for just a morning or even after work, she said no she’s too busy, we are only 25 minutes away on the tube so it’s hardly a cross country mission.

Im really disappointed she’s making no effort to see DH who has done so much for DD or to see her own siblings who could really do with some support.

AIBU to think she’s being extremely selfish, and to feel disappointed in her?

She might not be close to her stepdad but anyone with half a brain knows that supporting your mum and siblings through the death of their husband/dad is important.

She is an adult but if you're close to the boyfriend you could perhaps ask if everything is okay with her. Maybe it is too overwhelming seeing your husband ill - as others have said, some people want to remember them being well.

Have you discribed his current situation specifically, is your husband mobile and able to hold a conversation etc, because without these details it can be a lot to mentally prepare for her to come back? If your husband is bedbound, where is the bed setup - is it in a family space - this can all be a lot to process when coming back to the childhood home.

Maybe she diesn’t want see him ill.

Yes, definitely have that conversation. Make it crystal clear.

When my DH was dying, I know that one of my young adult DDs found it incredibly difficult. I'm sure she'd rather have just kept away. But she didn't. She fought that instinct and her courage in being there for her dad to the end, and in order to support me with his care, was remarkable.

I'm sorry, but at times like this you push yourself into doing the right thing. Because other people need you to, and because, in the end, you're likely to regret it if you don't.

...as others have said, some people want to remember them being well.

Tough. It's not about them. It's about the dying person and the person caring for them. They need the support, and the carer has no choice in how they remember their loved one

Tough.

She’s being very thoughtless and selfish but I’m not sure what you can do about it - perhaps write or phone saying how important a visit and some shows of support/affection will be at the moment - to H, you and half-siblings.
I would be really disappointed if she were my daughter and if she didn’t respond to the above suggestions I’d be telling her not to bother in October ….she’s obviously got her own life and doesn’t give a stuff about her family.

Typical MN ! Maybe she can’t deal
with it. Not everyone deals with terminal illness easily just cut her some slack. She’ll come when she feels ready

I'm very sorry for the situation you find yourself in I hope you are getting good support from family and friends and professionals. Loving someone who has received a terminal diagnosis is so very difficult.
I work very closely with the terminally ill and those who are actively dying/end of life. I agree with the above plenty of people receive a terminal diagnosis and can go onto to live even years others die within a few weeks. You hopefully know which category your DH falls into.
If its the latter then you need to have a chat with her and make it very clear what’s happening if you cant do it (many cant, actually speaking out loud what you know is often very difficult) do you have a Marie Curie/Macmillan/community nurse who would speak to her? If I was looking after you and your family I would be very willing to do this?
If its the former then Id wait a bit many people are unable to process this type of news and carry on living their lives as normal as they are so afraid of loosing someone they love and I suspect many sub consciously hope that if they ignore the diagnosis it will go away. Perhaps in a couple of weeks you could contact her and say that not only would her stepfather like to see her soon that you too are struggling and need some support/TLC and hopefully she'll come round literally and figuratively.

And then she'll probably be too late.

This is about supporting her mum, as much as anything. And she's not prepared to.

I think at that age she should have the maturity to understand that you might need support, whether or not she feels up to seeing your dh. She does sound like she’s very much enjoying life and is too selfish to give up her time. Sorry you are going through this.

My mother died of cancer when I was a teen. I avoided her like the plague, and we were living in the same house. Reflecting on this after 45 years I think my avoidance was due to denial, embarrassment and to protect myself from heartbreak. I was out with friends living the teenage life, first bits of freedom and loving it. I was able to compartmentalize easily. I hope my mother had the maturity to see this, but I don't know for sure because as I said I avoided her, and any discussion or reference to her terminal illness. Perhaps like me your daughter can't look death in the eye at a young age, so she distracts herself with her life. It might be worth spelling out just the once in no uncertain terms how ill her stepfather is ( this however had the opposite effect on me and I withdrew even further) My siblings were younger and couldn't escape. I have paid for this avoidance, and still haven't grieved properly for my mother. But I don't know if I could have coped any differently at time. We are what we are at any stage in life. Your daughter will have to come to terms with her Stepfathers death but when and how is impossible to know.

At what age do we stop making excuses for people because they are ‘young’? She’s twenty-five for Gods sake. Not five or even fifteen! Sometimes we have to put our own feelings aside and think about other people. She is being incredibly selfish and uncaring and should be told so.

she could be fearful of having to experience your upset - could you suggest that she comes and sees him when you are not there ( to help you out ) - or give your daughter a specific task to do that is very practical - or involves popping in even for 15 mins and out again - with the boyfriend ? so it is as low an ask as possible ?
when my dad was ill it the worry about my mothers reaction / vulnerability was in some ways harder than dealing with my dad

When FIL was dying I had to spell out to the DC that if they didn't visit that weekend they may not get another chance. It was a horrible conversation but they needed to know. They also knew there would be no judgment if they couldn't/didn't want to see him but they had to know in time to make that choice.

Does anyone deal with terminal illness easily?!

Fear, avoidance, yes a dose of cowardice maybe, but if shes never faced this before she will have no idea of what to expect and that in itself is very frightening.
You probably dont have the bandwidth available to deal with this but if you think its this and really want her to be able to see him sit down togethervwith her and talk it through.

This is a photo of how he looks now. This is the building hes in. I will come with you. Hes on the second floor. We will go in and there will be chairs to sit on. Ill sit next to him. You sit next to me.
You print out some photos of where you went on holiday and what you've been up to this last few weeks. Maybe 8 or 10. That will give you something to talk about. He can look through those whilst you talk about them.
You dont need to ask him any questions. We will not stay more than 10 minutes. I will do most of the talking.
You dont need to hug him or anything but you can pat his hand when you leave if you want.
And so on.
Make it safe and predictable for her. Even what it smells like, which can be uncomfortable if your not expecting it. Then maybe she will feel able to cope on her own or just " better" next time ?

Let her know, gently, that you would all like to see her. Does she realise how long your DH likely has (are you looking at months/years)? She may be avoiding something she doesn't want to acknowledge. She may simply be self-centred, letting her know the rest of you would appreciate some support doesn't have to come with guilt. Very obviously she could come over some evening or one day at the weekend (even if going to Wimbledon) if she wanted to.

Some people can’t handle death or illness and people who can’t do it at 25 just avoid it as they get older.

My life is as very similar when I lived in London. It could be months before I had a free weekend. Not surprising.
she has her own way of dealing with things, you’re not responsible for her response, just check in with her. She’ll come back when she’s ready.

It could be avoidance. Or maybe she's just selfish. Im sorry to hear about your husband. Concentrate on your immediate family.

I disagree, @Viviennemary - having been a nurse, and having supported my dh and our dses through the death of his mum/their grandmother from cancer, I can understand how difficult this is for anyone, never mind a teenager or young person.

We offered all three dses the chance to visit MIL in the hospice - the older two wanted to go, but ds3 decided he didn’t want his last memory of his beloved grandma to be of her so ill, and we all understood - MIL included.

@Leonsma - I am so sorry you are in this difficult situation - my heart goes out to you and your whole family. I do wonder whether, as previous posters have suggested, there are elements of denial and avoidance in your DD’s behaviour - the idea of death is huge and awful. All you can do is keep the communication open, tell her clearly how your dh is doing, so she knows when it might be the last chance to see him, if she wants to, and be honest with her about your need for some support and care from her as you go through this.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, it must be horrendously difficult to face the loss of your husband.

It sounds as if she's either scared of facing up to his death, feels incapable of the emotional support she knows you need from her, or is not as happy with her childhood as you were.

Given the amount she has chosen to live abroad since adulthood, the last one might be a big part of this. With the history it has to be quite likely that many of the moments of teenage angst when she might have turned to you both for help, you were too busy bringing up three young children to fully engage.

I'm sorry but I'm not sure she's entirely blameworthy here.

Call me old fashioned, but I can never understand anyone, no matter what age they are, for not having the decency or courage to visit someone when they are dying.

Make sure she understands the time scales and let her decide.

She shouldn't be expected to be a support person for her step siblings or her mum, that is what therapists/professionals are for. This isn't her dad, it's not someone she's closely related to and it's not someone she chose to be part of her family. It's someone who was thrust upon her and she may well like him but really not feel the same about him as you or his biological children.

In my now extensive experience of caring for the terminally ill and those who are actively dying people of all ages can behave badly (although I hate to use that word). Even people who seem to fully grasp the situation e,g, HCPs often do what appears to do/say the oddest things. The up coming death of someone we love and care about is so traumatic, by its very nature we are not in control of the situation and we fear the loss, we are often angry with the person dying and the situation we find ourselves and we fear how we will live without them. Secondly as a society death isn't talked about in an honest way we don’t understand the dying process maybe have past unpleasant experiences and again dont want to talk about it. I often think people think if they talk about it it will speed it up (if you dont talk about it it wont happen) and they will have to acknowledge that the person they love will soon no longer be here. People of all ages often do and day the strangest things.
Give the DD soem slack.