AIBU to feel disappointed my daughter will not visit terminally ill DH

[Leonsma]

Hi all, so my DH (not DDs dad but has been in her life since she was 2 years old) was recently diagnosed with terminal cancer, we are really struggling as a family to cope. I have one DD from my first marriage who is 25 and 3 teenagers with my husband. We all live in London.

My issue is DD has made no effort to see us, she’s always busy, last weekend was a wedding, this weekend she’s at Silverstone, next weekend her boyfriend got them tickets for Wimbledon final, weekend after that they are going on holiday etc etc.
It’s non stop, she claims the next time she has a completely free weekend is the start of October!!
I asked if she could come over for just a morning or even after work, she said no she’s too busy, we are only 25 minutes away on the tube so it’s hardly a cross country mission.

Im really disappointed she’s making no effort to see DH who has done so much for DD or to see her own siblings who could really do with some support.

AIBU to think she’s being extremely selfish, and to feel disappointed in her?

There isn’t a lot of background, my ex and I raised DD together, roughly 50/50 though in teen years she directed that more. She went to university in Florida as she got a sports scholarship, then moved to Munich where her dad is from and had recently returned to as she got a good job opportunity. She moved back to London last summer as she got a job offer in a niche field she wanted to work in.
There is no grand fall out.

Does she know the extent of his prognosis? Have you really spelled it out for her?

And can you go visit her? Even, leaving your Dh out of this, can you go visit her? Take her out to lunch on a work day. Bring dinner or cake for after work, etc.

My dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was 18. I was told he had cancer and I knew he was quite poorly and losing his hair. But no one actually told me straight and to the point that he only had weeks to live. Everyone was really euphemistic about it all. I had truly no idea he wouldn’t get better. He died 3 weeks later and I might have seen him once until I got called to the hospital and he was in a coma and died a few hours later.

At that age, I couldn’t really wrap my head around that he wouldn’t get better and things wouldn’t be how they always were. And because everyone was trying to be really gentle and tiptoe around it, no one actually told me and helped me understand. Even if I had understood, I don’t know that I’d have been rushing to his bedside. At that age, you don’t really get it. Everyone still seems immortal.

If she won’t come see him (honestly, maybe it’s too much and she can’t cope), try to find a way to go see her one to one. This isn’t just about her supporting you and her siblings. Remember she is the child. If she was 10 years younger, you’d be expected to support her, not the other way around. My guess is that she needs you more than you realise and probably has for a long time and this is bigger than just your dh being ill. I think you need to find a way to meet those needs for her even when you feel like you need everyone to meet your needs right now.

Remember she is the child

She's 25 @mindutopia ! She's not a child!

This infantilism of adult offspring is getting ridiculous. She's an adult. She has a mum going through something really stressful. She has a stepdad who had been good to her and whose company she's enjoyed, who is dying.
She is not a child and she should have time for her mother at the very least, before October.

Someone further up said 'she has to do what's right for her'.
That really doesn't apply in all cases. Adults sometines have to do what's right for someone else. Someone in more need than themselves. And members of the family going through something so painful, deserve to be put first sometimes.

Sometimes you have to say to yourself 'This is going to be really hard, I don't want to have to do it, but I'm needed, and it's time to pull my big girl pants up, and be there for (someone else)'
And sometimes having done that, your very glad you did, and manage it better than you feared.

Agreed. Sometimes, we have to do things for those we love, even if it’s hard for us. That’s life. We end up putting others ahead of ourselves at times. Or at least, we do if we’re not selfish dicks lacking in compassion and with main character syndrome.

It’s really difficult. Denial is the first stage of grief and, to be honest, as a young, healthy person in the reproductive prime of her life all her natural instincts of self-preservation are probably screaming at her to stay away from a person who is diseased and dying. It’s natural and human even though it may not be socially kind.

I would be interested to know if all those people calling her ‘selfish’ have experienced a relative dying at that precise stage of life? I have and it was horrific, even though I loved that person dearly. Remember that she doesn’t have parental love to outweigh her natural feelings of fear, horror and repulsion.

If you don’t understand please read the chapters of Anna Karenina where Levin goes to see his dying brother. Tolstoy describes his conflicting feelings pretty well, even in translation.

My friend has terminal cancer and her DD is a little younger and still lives at home, so different scenario. Friend was arranging lots of special days and trips and Dd was pushing back, claiming boredom and too busy etc. My friend made a good point that I'm repeating now. She said her main concern is that when she is gone and DD matures, she will carry a burden of guilt with her for the rest of her life. She stopped coercing DD into bucket list stuff but had a very blunt discussion with her, telling her it was OK to not want to spend all the time with her now but she must understand that she will not have her in her life when she is an adult etc. I think maybe you need to have a very blunt conversation too, and frame it from DDs perspective, like 'I don't want you to have regrets'.

@mindutopia I totally relate. I was late 20s but Mum didn't want us to know she was terminal and said to others that she'd tell us when she was ready. Then she took a sudden turn so we never got to have the conversation. I slowly put two and two together. I was visiting regularly so it was different. My uncles wife pulled me to the side and said something like I think you need to spend as much time with her as possible over the next few weeks, and I was like, why the next few weeks. What's going on. She said you need to talk to your parents. It seems she disagreed with how my family handled it and wanted to give me a heads up. For years I felt like an absolute fool. Things were unsaid and I have regrets. My youngest sibling was being an entitled student at the time and made little effort. It haunted her later

I too empathise with this. My mum was relentlessly optimistic and didn’t ever tell me the extent of the cancer spread and prognosis. When the end came, very suddenly (I got a call from 6pm telling me to get to the hospital immediately, she had been admitted earlier in the day, I arrived at 9pm as it was a 3-hour drive and by 3am she was dead), I felt so unprepared for it. I know why she did it, she wanted to protect me, she didn’t want to face the reality herself, she didn’t want to be treated in a certain way. But I wish I had known because that phone call I will never forget and it was almost like I just couldn’t understand it, that it didn’t make sense because she was ‘okay’.

I’m not angry with her, how could I be, she was doing it for me. But it has given me clarity on how I would handle things with my own children if I’m ever in that situation. I wish I had had the chance to say some things.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through and I hope that your DH has lots more good days you can share with him.

Has his doctor give him a prognosis?

Terminal isn't always fast, and if he's been given a long expectancy, your DD might not be treating it as real. Denial is such an easy stage to stay in - nothing changes. It sounds like she's been quite independent in the last few years - so spending time with you all would be different, and that would make denial hard.

It's also possible she feels on the outside. Even if she had the same father, loss of a parental figure will always be different to dependent teens and an independent adult. She might not know how to be around them.

Has she had any 'big' losses before?

It might be worth explaining how difficult you are finding it, and how her physically visiting you would be a comfort - you're not expecting her to do anything, and it's okay if says the 'wrong' thing - you just want to spend some time with all your children.

If you reassure her nothing she does will be wrong if she just turns up, it might make it easier for her to take thar step.

It's so hard sometimes for young people to deal with a loved one dying, so I think it's quite possibly avoidance. If she doesn't see him, she can pretend it isn't happening.

I'm sorry you and your family are facing this.

If you have been clear about his being terminal and if there's a strong possibility it's he's only got a few months left, her putting off any visits until October means she might not see him alive. I'd ask her why that is. Be honest with her how you feel about this.

Also, she might want to see him sooner rather than later. Sometimes the rapid changes if you haven't seen someone for a couple months can be shocking and upsetting.

If he's terminal but might live for years, that's a different story. She has a new bf and she's putting their stuff first.

It sounds like she's avoiding interacting with you other than on a distant and superficial level. She's distancing herself and has been for years. She's 25 and a full adult. She sounds like she's not going to be available for help or support.

It's ok for you to feel disappointed with her reaction.

If your husband's death is expected in the next 6 months, I'd get your teens into therapy now and yourself too if possible.

Yes, I know all that having been a nurse for many years, most of it in oncology. I still don’t think it excuses the behaviour of a twenty-five year old. There are times in our lives when we have to put our own feelings aside in order to support other people, especially those who love us.