To think you are not really a SAHD if DC are 11 and 13 yrs old?

[Eastie77Returns]

DP has announced he has had enough of ‘slaving for the man’ and intends to hand in his notice. This antipathy towards work is a long running saga. I had a thread about this over 10 years ago when he wanted to give up work.

Anyway his plan is to be a SAHD to our 10 and 13 year old DC. I find the whole thing laughable. DD (13) is basically self sufficient. Gets herself up and off to school and then to activities after school. She requires picking up from said activities which I do as DP refuses to drive.

DS is obviously at school all day and then after school club. From September (Y6) he will be walking to and from school on his own. It is a 5 minute walk away. I WFH most days so he won’t be coming back to an empty house.

I feel resentful because as far as I can see, this is him just opting out of working even though we still have 2 DC to support. And to do what? He will do some housework. He loves ironing so does that weekly and enjoys certain DIY tasks but will take him weeks or months to get round to doing them. We have a cleaner (I do not want or trust him to clean properly).

Financially, he intends to live off his winnings from poker. He had a big win not long ago (which I only found out about by chance) and he gave me a chunk of it for the DC and said he will live of the rest as he has a minimalistic lifestyle and give me money towards bills from the winnings. Obviously this money will run out at some point but aside from that as far as I can see he will just be dosing around while I continue working. I am extremely unhappy about all of this. Not least because I have been desperate to leave work and have a break but haven’t because I feel it would be irresponsible. Yet DP gets to just decide that is what he will do. He has said I am clearly resentful and jealous but there is nothing stopping me from doing the same (I inherited some money from my late parents last year). I have said I do not agree with this situation at all. AIBU??

To clarify, DS is currently 10 and will be 11 in October

He's opting out of being a team member and contributor. What's the point of him?

This all sounds like a fundamentally unhappy home with two people married but unhappy.

Are you married? You said dp not dh? I would be looking to seperate things

No way would I be happy about this, unless he had some sort of disability that meant working was difficult for him (?) How bloody lazy.

He had a big win not long ago (which I only found out about by chance)

that sounds like a meaty thread in itself

10 years you've been living like this?

I have to say, I would leave him to it and move on with my life.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone so lazy, secretive and dismissive of genuine concerns. Christ what a loser. Take your inheritance and leave his sorry arse.

Honestly you do sound resentful and jealous.
Sounds like you both do minimal parenting anyway, you have a cleaner, you can both afford separately to take some time off.

Gambling problem? if he likes ironing get him to take in ironing

Well look, you get to choose too, and I'd suggest that your first choice is deciding whether or not you want to live like that. You don't have to.

I have been aware of your many many threads about basically how crap you think your DP is. In your eyes he pretty much is a failure and lazy in every way.

For everyone’s sake - why don’t you end it.

I mean even on this thread you are referring to an unhappy thread you started a decade ago!!

Why wouldn't you both take some time off together, it sounds like you can afford it?

How old are you?

No I do t think he gets to unilaterally decide he’s not going to work. As you say, what happens when the money runs out or you need a new car or some other expensive house improvement?

So in a nutshell he is a gambler. If divorce/separation is on the cards do it as soon as possible before he can claim he’s the primary parent and claim child maintenance.
Consider your housing situation and plan accordingly.

Just bin him off, 10 yrs of wasted time, don’t waste another 10.

Apologies but he sounds like a waster!! He can’t really be a stay at home parent to children of those ages!! Well for starters he needs to stop refusing to drive he will now be responsible for getting DC to any and all activities. The cleaner needs to be cancelled and he needs to step up to that! You basically don’t lift a finger!

I would separate. He intends to mooch off you.

Are you married?

@Eastie77Returns I'm with you on this one. I would be really turned off by someone who just bummed about all day and find it massively unattractive.

I would struggle having respect for them as working and contributing is also about self respect.

I would make a list of what would be expected of him. Meal planning, food shopping, cooking, laundry, collecting kids from activities etc...

I would actually hate WFH if my DH was at home doing nothing.

What a joker. The title nails it. Sah mums and dads are looking after pre-schoolers. He just doesn’t like working.

What about the post-16 years? Driving lessons? Launching the dc into adulthood? University (potentially)? And what about all the poker games that don’t win big amounts? Gamblers love to emphasise the wins and draw a veil over the losses.

He may have some nice qualities but he sounds useless.

No, you are certainly not being unreasonable to be pissed off about his unilateral decision to opt out of working.

He’s a twat. What about pensions… shit role model for your kids.

Agree it sounds like a dodgy decision. Doesn't sound like he'll really be doing much at home if he takes ages to get around to his DIY jobs.

Why didn't he tell you about his poker winnings?

Has he paid enough ni contributions to get a full state pension yet?

How old is he?

As the last poster pointed out, both of you in the house all day is rapidly going to get on your tits.

Spending time together is always better after time spent apart.

So has he got £££££ saved up for their driving lessons, first car and university fees? I mean you would have to be a multimillionaire to just quit work when you have kids of that age.

We are not married.

Just to be clear, DP has worked consistently over the last 10 years and ever since we’ve been together. He has never been unemployed. He has always just moaned about working and now says he has “reached his limit” and will not continue.

I don’t know how much he gambles but he has always paid his share of joint bills etc. I earn several times his salary (he is on a relatively low salary for London because he’s never wanted to progress at work). This has been a bone of contention. I’ve had to continually work hard to move up and earn more, which is not a bad thing in and of itself, but it’s never been an option for me to eg go down to 4 days because I’ve always been aware that I should the lions share of the financial responsibilities.

He pays £1700 a month into the joint account. Every once in a blue moon he gives me a lump sum for the DC or puts money in their junior ISA. This is when I know he has had some winnings. He never actually tells me how much he has won but on a recent occasion I overheard him talking about it with his brother. He was speaking in his native language and then switched to dialect when I entered the room (as he knows I understand his mother tongue) which made me suspicious and I discovered the very large amount he won on by checking his email.

He plans to travel to Vegas with the brother later in the year for a tournament.