To think you are not really a SAHD if DC are 11 and 13 yrs old?

[Eastie77Returns]

DP has announced he has had enough of ‘slaving for the man’ and intends to hand in his notice. This antipathy towards work is a long running saga. I had a thread about this over 10 years ago when he wanted to give up work.

Anyway his plan is to be a SAHD to our 10 and 13 year old DC. I find the whole thing laughable. DD (13) is basically self sufficient. Gets herself up and off to school and then to activities after school. She requires picking up from said activities which I do as DP refuses to drive.

DS is obviously at school all day and then after school club. From September (Y6) he will be walking to and from school on his own. It is a 5 minute walk away. I WFH most days so he won’t be coming back to an empty house.

I feel resentful because as far as I can see, this is him just opting out of working even though we still have 2 DC to support. And to do what? He will do some housework. He loves ironing so does that weekly and enjoys certain DIY tasks but will take him weeks or months to get round to doing them. We have a cleaner (I do not want or trust him to clean properly).

Financially, he intends to live off his winnings from poker. He had a big win not long ago (which I only found out about by chance) and he gave me a chunk of it for the DC and said he will live of the rest as he has a minimalistic lifestyle and give me money towards bills from the winnings. Obviously this money will run out at some point but aside from that as far as I can see he will just be dosing around while I continue working. I am extremely unhappy about all of this. Not least because I have been desperate to leave work and have a break but haven’t because I feel it would be irresponsible. Yet DP gets to just decide that is what he will do. He has said I am clearly resentful and jealous but there is nothing stopping me from doing the same (I inherited some money from my late parents last year). I have said I do not agree with this situation at all. AIBU??

I don't really see what he's done wrong. It's not like he's demanding to be at SAHP and making his partner pay everything for them all, he's got his own money (for now). Let him ride his wave for a while, poor guy's probably had his soul sucked out of him in demanding and underpaid job for years and wants a bit of freedom. As long as he's paying his way, his happiness should make you happy. Sounds like you really dislike your child’s father though as you're willing to kick him out for only contributing £1700 a month.

It is very very weird isn’t it?

Notjing will happen. Just more threads about how much the op hates her DP and has bugger all respect for him

I have to say that it was when I realised that I didn’t want to live the retirement that my xh wanted that I left him.

The fact that he was going to keep the information about his win from you is quite chilling.

Do you have a sex life together?

At least get legal advice so you know your situation.

I think him being around more for the kids in their secondary school years is fine tbh, it was a good thing when ds was that age. The fact that you are so angry about it and it was a unilateral decision (along with the trip to Vegas) says far more.

I don't know legally if I could just make him leave. He presumably has some kind of beneficial interest in the house?
Yes you could legally just make him leave. You tell him to leave, and then change the locks. You would have to look after his belongings for a couple of weeks until he's found somewhere to put them but not him. Get a one off consultation with a solicitor so you know your rights. Knowledge is power, and that will give you the confidence to actually do something positive about your life.

He would only have beneficial interest if he's paid for something that has improved the value of the house, such as an extension or 50K kitchen. Has he?

I’ve never written a thread stating that I hate him as I don’t!

Omg!

thread after thread calling his lazy,
incompetent, annoying, sketchy, irresponsible….

If that isn’t you hating him, I dread to think how you’d describe someone you do hate

There are some comments on here alluding to years of misery, hatred of DP and my wasted life. I enjoy my life for the most part and have enjoyed raising my DC, buying my own home and yes it has been tough at times - balancing a demanding job and dealing with an unequal partnership but I wouldn’t say my life has been a complete disaster. I don’t despise DP. I do recognise we are completely incompatible.

Yes, we should split up. I didn’t do it previously for a number of reasons but mainly because life as a single parent with a full on job that involved travel and early starts/late evenings was not something I wanted to entertain. I’ll be flamed for that no doubt but it is what it is. There was a point at which I was travelling overseas mid-week every couple of months. Knowing I could just do that with DP at home taking them to the childminder and doing pickups because of his flexible (albeit low paid) job made my life easier and enabled me to climb the career ladder. I didn’t want to raise my DC alone and deal with split homes and all the rest of it whilst juggling that kind of schedule. I don’t regret my decision. My job is different now. I manage a team and I rarely travel.

I know on MN LTB/throw him out is seen as a straightforward option but in reality life is just not like that.

Women call themselves this all the time so why the never ending double standard?

Indeed. 13 year old aren't self sufficient. In my experience adolescents need you more than toddlers. Maybe he could be a centre for them.

What about pensions? This is a major step that needs discussing properly with a financial advisor.

Yes will be great to have a partner at home taking the kids to all their activities and being there for them (I can attest that 14 has been a whole other level than 13 was, teenagers really need a present parent with a lot of mental bandwidth.)

Could he not just take a year out rather than stop permanently?

If he is planning on retiring to his country and you don’t want to go, why don’t you just split up now? You might find someone you love in the intervening years?

If he wants to retire somewhere else, that is not technically bad. Lots of people wish to retire elsewhere. But you say that the kids are doing GCSEs in his mother tongue, which language / country is it? Greek, Spanish, German, French or a bit further afield such as China (Mandarin, Cantonese etc) or Latin America? The distance could be useful to help decide. He might want to leave once the kids are late teens or early 20s or even later, which could help you to have someone at home / around so that you can continue in your career. I would suggest getting legal advice and save as much as you can into separate accounts for you and the kids should something go awry. I don’t think that it is easy, as you want a stable life for your children which is normal, but the gambling could affect your life significantly.

So you dislike and disrespect him and throw in a jibe about his low paid job but you were happy to leave all the parenting to him so you could pursue your career with no compromises? Jesus Christ.

To be honest op if I suddenly came into money that meant I didn't have to work I would never ever work again. How much was your inheritance? Enough so that you don't technically need to work? If me and my husband were in this position neither of us would work.

Some of the other stuff is a bit bizarre and not really compatible with a happy relationship; retiring to another country, hiding gambling trips and money wins. Him wanting to quit work is the least of your worries.

How many of the women wanting to reduce their working hours have a gambling addiction that they are secretive about? Can not see what a difference that makes, how stressful it would be to live knowing there could be big losses and how untenable that would make a partnership?

I’d dump him for not driving

First I would find it very hard to live with someone who doesn't drive. That's a basic life skill and that might be a deal-breaker for me.

Second, it is possible to make a living from poker. I think you need to be extremely disciplined and talented to do it. Does your husband have these or was he just lucky once?

If he can genuinely make a good living from poker then I have no problem with that. If he is delusional about this then I am afraid I would have reservations about this opting out of life thing at this stage.

But this thread feels like a reverse to me

If I said i am not working any more, my partner would have no say in it at all. There is nothing he could do to make me do what he thinks I should be doing.

How will you tell your partner that he must do as he is told and get back to work?

If playing poker is now more than a hobby, which it seems like it is given he is giving up his salary job and his travel abroad to play poker. This could be classed as taxable income and needs to be declared to HMRC. I would seek advice from a professional to confirm.

OP, as you're not married and you own your home, it sounds like you can manage on your own.

I think you should make it clear to him that your family needs another income, not a stay at home parent. And that you want a partnership which you feel won't have if he's a SAHP, you don't want the full fonancial responsibility for your family - if he doesn't rethink after this, you tell him the relationship is over, give him a few weeks to move out.

You need to push for a 50/50 split so you don't pay him child support.

I'm not sure I would object to someone giving up work if they can fund their lifestyle. No one can make anyone go to work everyday. If I suddenly won enough money to pay my bills for even a year I would give up work and then take my chances. However if I lived with someone who was able to give up work I would be very jealous. Couldn't stop them doing it though.

Obviously I can’t compel him to go to
work.

But I surely have the right to tell him he cannot spend his days lounging around the house while I work (I WFH), cosplaying as a SAHD when both DC are at school FT. It will only be a matter of time before the Poker winnings dry up and then what? The employment market is not exactly buoyant at the moment. He is claiming he will do some language tutoring but he would need to do a lot to make up the salary shortfall.