To think you are not really a SAHD if DC are 11 and 13 yrs old?

[Eastie77Returns]

DP has announced he has had enough of ‘slaving for the man’ and intends to hand in his notice. This antipathy towards work is a long running saga. I had a thread about this over 10 years ago when he wanted to give up work.

Anyway his plan is to be a SAHD to our 10 and 13 year old DC. I find the whole thing laughable. DD (13) is basically self sufficient. Gets herself up and off to school and then to activities after school. She requires picking up from said activities which I do as DP refuses to drive.

DS is obviously at school all day and then after school club. From September (Y6) he will be walking to and from school on his own. It is a 5 minute walk away. I WFH most days so he won’t be coming back to an empty house.

I feel resentful because as far as I can see, this is him just opting out of working even though we still have 2 DC to support. And to do what? He will do some housework. He loves ironing so does that weekly and enjoys certain DIY tasks but will take him weeks or months to get round to doing them. We have a cleaner (I do not want or trust him to clean properly).

Financially, he intends to live off his winnings from poker. He had a big win not long ago (which I only found out about by chance) and he gave me a chunk of it for the DC and said he will live of the rest as he has a minimalistic lifestyle and give me money towards bills from the winnings. Obviously this money will run out at some point but aside from that as far as I can see he will just be dosing around while I continue working. I am extremely unhappy about all of this. Not least because I have been desperate to leave work and have a break but haven’t because I feel it would be irresponsible. Yet DP gets to just decide that is what he will do. He has said I am clearly resentful and jealous but there is nothing stopping me from doing the same (I inherited some money from my late parents last year). I have said I do not agree with this situation at all. AIBU??

He plans to retire to his home country and says he has no interest in pensions🙄 He has worked here every year since about 2001. I don’t know what his contributions look like, he’s always had relatively low paid jobs.

You are very unhappy
You see your husband as lazy, useless, thoughtless. I could go on. You have been posting about him for years and years.

For your own sake, his sake and your kids - just end it.

How did you you out about the big win given he didn’t tell you?

So basically your partner doesn't respect you which means your partnership doesn't work.

He plans to live off poker winnings.

He plans a trip to Vegas.

I'm not surprised you've been fed up for 10 years!

I know. The threads have gone on for years and I know it’s not a good look. Sometimes I have thought well maybe the good outweighs the bad. He’s not a terrible father. I also think the DC would be devastated if he left, especially DS who worships him. DD is somewhat scathing of him these days but I think that’s partly teenage hormones!

Look, modern work culture and the ‘rat race’ are glorified in society but not everyone is cut out for that. If there was a way I could opt out, I’d leap at the opportunity.

How much were the poker winnings and when are they likely to run out? 2 years and it’s a problem. 20 years and I would let him get on with a ‘slow life’. Why not? You haven’t said which bit you have a problem with most and how sustainable the situation is.

Do you own your home together? Can you buy him out? Honestly I would get rid before he bleeds you dry.

What is he going to use to gamble if he's no longer earning? Will he start to gamble away his most recent winnings? Because I do not know one single person who makes a 'living' out of gambling. The good ones break even. The really good ones quit when they are ahead. What's his plan if he gets on a long losing streak?

OP has just told us by checking his email

You have also posted about how lazy he is as a father.

Basically anything that could be negative about him, in your eyes - he suffers from it!

Do you like him? I’m presuming you don’t love him

Oh jeez I just read that he was planning to lie to you about his trip to Vegas.

This is not a partnership OP.

Surely there’s a middle ground here, couldn’t he use his winnings a buffer to allow him to retrain and get a different kind of job? Start his own business? Go part time?

Oh goodness. The thing is when it's been going on for years and years and you're still unhappy and think he is lazy and useless, there comes a point where you bear some of the responsibility for the relationship being shit.... Because you've gone on about it for this long and never ended it.

Anyway, I think it is a slightly bonkers decision but more for him than for you. If he gives up work to become a sahp and isn't married to the only person earning an income then that's a dangerous spot for him to be in. And you aren't even in favour of him becoming a sahp so even sillier.

I am not a sahm but I have no problem with people calling themselves that when their kids are older. Maybe not ok once they are 18+ though. Then you are a housewife/husband.

If you are trying to get people to start frothing at the mouth saying "YOU'RE NOT A SAHP WITH KIDS THAT AGE - YOU'RE JUST UNEMPLOYED snarl snarl", then I am sure someone will oblige!

He plans to retire to his home country

So what happens then with you and the children? Are you both assuming you will follow him to his country? Because if not that will kill your relationship stone dead anyway. Just rip the plaster off now instead of pretending everything is fine. It's not.

Hang on, he also plans to retire to a different country which I presume you've not discussed whether or not you also want to retire to?

Jeezo, what a prince. He’s not a SAHD, he’s a lazy fucker who happens to have children. You earn a lot more than him, why put up with this disrespect?

This. I'm amazed you've just slipped that in with no other comment. Is he planning on leaving you here with the children, are you all going, has it been discussed at all ??!! So many questions......

As for the rest, if he has been and continues to contribute his half of all the costs, or proportionally to earnings if that's what been agreed, I'm not sure you can say too much about him not working.

I'd definitely be wanting more info about the retiring abroad bit though, because that would have a huge impact on my thoughts regarding financial planning, both immediately and in the future.

So, he doesn't want to work anymore, not even part time, but he wants to say he's a SAHD to make it look better even though the DC are too old to need one.
He's happy to let you go on working while he does bugger all apart from gamble.
Be grateful you're not married Op, when he loses too much money and gets into debt you can't be held responsible.
If he wants to retire abroad, and I presume you won't want to go with him, you might as well break up now.

How long will the money sustain you all for if he takes it like a monthly wage? Thats the question. If it’s enough for say 12 months then I don’t really see the problem

I think that SAHP isn't really a 'thing' once kids are secondary age. Assuming no SEND etc. As in you're not with them from around 8am til 4pm every weekday anyway, then they may well be off doing their hobbies or with mates. Not needing adult supervision.

But I mean it depends very much on if you can afford it or not. So it totally is a thing if you're wealthy. Or prepared to sacrifice your standard of living massively.

The notion that you'd sacrifice your lucrative career fully at a crucial point in your professional development suddenly be an SAHP to self sufficient school/college attending teens is a fairly foolish move. Unless your mental health and wellbeing literally depended on it.

He contributes £1700 a month and he recently won ‘a very large amount’ from poker, which will be tax-free. So, does he need to work? Assuming it was six figures, and he doesn’t spunk it on frivolities, he could technically take at least 5 years out of work. Just make sure he’s actually present for the children in that time and supports them through the teenage years. If he’s not doing that, then he’s a waste of space and you should OF COURSE kick the useless tosser out. But on the face of it, someone quitting their job because they have independent wealth/winnings is not inherently wrong.

Were you planning on going with him to his home country when he retires or did you always think the relationship would end at that point? If the latter, then maybe bring that forward. How old are you both?

Why not dump him? He'd still be co-parenting but not dependent on you as a house boyfriend.
Choose a life of happiness.

Honestly I think YABU.

If a woman had come into a large amount of money, enough to give to their spouse and children a lump sum savings and then live off the rest for an extended period of time everyone would be saying go for it.