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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you are not really a SAHD if DC are 11 and 13 yrs old?

123 replies

Eastie77Returns · 04/07/2026 13:52

DP has announced he has had enough of ‘slaving for the man’ and intends to hand in his notice. This antipathy towards work is a long running saga. I had a thread about this over 10 years ago when he wanted to give up work.

Anyway his plan is to be a SAHD to our 10 and 13 year old DC. I find the whole thing laughable. DD (13) is basically self sufficient. Gets herself up and off to school and then to activities after school. She requires picking up from said activities which I do as DP refuses to drive.

DS is obviously at school all day and then after school club. From September (Y6) he will be walking to and from school on his own. It is a 5 minute walk away. I WFH most days so he won’t be coming back to an empty house.

I feel resentful because as far as I can see, this is him just opting out of working even though we still have 2 DC to support. And to do what? He will do some housework. He loves ironing so does that weekly and enjoys certain DIY tasks but will take him weeks or months to get round to doing them. We have a cleaner (I do not want or trust him to clean properly).

Financially, he intends to live off his winnings from poker. He had a big win not long ago (which I only found out about by chance) and he gave me a chunk of it for the DC and said he will live of the rest as he has a minimalistic lifestyle and give me money towards bills from the winnings. Obviously this money will run out at some point but aside from that as far as I can see he will just be dosing around while I continue working. I am extremely unhappy about all of this. Not least because I have been desperate to leave work and have a break but haven’t because I feel it would be irresponsible. Yet DP gets to just decide that is what he will do. He has said I am clearly resentful and jealous but there is nothing stopping me from doing the same (I inherited some money from my late parents last year). I have said I do not agree with this situation at all. AIBU??

OP posts:
BeardySchnauzer · 04/07/2026 15:23

Are you protected financially? Does he own part of your home?

Beachtastic · 04/07/2026 15:24

Crushed23 · 04/07/2026 15:05

He contributes £1700 a month and he recently won ‘a very large amount’ from poker, which will be tax-free. So, does he need to work? Assuming it was six figures, and he doesn’t spunk it on frivolities, he could technically take at least 5 years out of work. Just make sure he’s actually present for the children in that time and supports them through the teenage years. If he’s not doing that, then he’s a waste of space and you should OF COURSE kick the useless tosser out. But on the face of it, someone quitting their job because they have independent wealth/winnings is not inherently wrong.

Yes, but gambling tends not to work like that. Gamblers don't think "Oh that's good, I'll just save this money and live on it." Hence the secret trip to Vegas!

DavidStopActingLikeADisgruntledPelican · 04/07/2026 15:25

Honestly? I would ditch him now before he gets the chance to jack in his job. You are going to resent the shit out of him if you remain together and he’s pissing about contributing nothing to your family. Apart from some fucking ironing obviously.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 04/07/2026 15:27

I'd say this probably are "working with what you've got".
Its annoying but hes been like this for years the kids and teens... you are pretty tangled.

I'd say "yes and"

As in yes you can give up work AND i need full financial oversight and joint control so i am jot a givbering wreck wondering when the other shoes will drop.
I would want to hold the winnings in at joint account as a minimum with a minimum "retainer". This gives you "comfort" in thst you can see he has provision to kick in 2kpm for at least 2 yrs (or whatever). If it drops.below a years worth of contributions.he would need to start job shopping or get back up to 20k credit in the account

This means if its dwindling at least you have good notice.

It also means if he wants to gamble 10k he needs to discuss it / you have visibility on it....

If he has these large amounts sitting about he should be putting it to work in the interim earning interest...

thesealion · 04/07/2026 15:28

So he’s always paid his way, you’ve chosen not to downsize your life to enable you to work less, and it sounds like he’ll still contribute financially even if he stops working? I don’t see a problem with any of that tbh. I also don’t want to work all hours under the sun and chase promotions so I choose to live in a tiny affordable flat. If you want to work less as well how can you change your life to facilitate that?

WallaceinAnderland · 04/07/2026 15:30

You are a fool to live like this. What a waste of a life.

thesealion · 04/07/2026 15:32

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/07/2026 14:40

Jeezo, what a prince. He’s not a SAHD, he’s a lazy fucker who happens to have children. You earn a lot more than him, why put up with this disrespect?

Same could be said of a lot of women who call themselves SAHMs but have teenagers and have only ever had low-paid jobs before children

Pistachiocake · 04/07/2026 15:33

The term stay at home mum (or dad, like here) basically replaced housewife, and in the past, most women were housewives even when their kids were teens, so yes, using the term is ok. But you have a cleaner, and you say you don't trust him to clean, so he wouldn't really be fulfilling the role of a traditional housewife.

If you were both happy with this and could afford it, there's nothing wrong with this at all. But you're not, so you need to reach an agreement. Do you both drop hours? Does he have X time to find a new job/train/study? Surprises me that a family can manage on one wage with cleaners these days, but you obviously know your own situation.

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/07/2026 15:34

thesealion · 04/07/2026 15:32

Same could be said of a lot of women who call themselves SAHMs but have teenagers and have only ever had low-paid jobs before children

Show quote history

I agree up to a point. If the kids are at school, you are not a SAHP, you are just Not Working, for whatever reason. No comments on people’s earnings though, earning power varies widely.

thesealion · 04/07/2026 15:37

Pistachiocake · 04/07/2026 15:33

The term stay at home mum (or dad, like here) basically replaced housewife, and in the past, most women were housewives even when their kids were teens, so yes, using the term is ok. But you have a cleaner, and you say you don't trust him to clean, so he wouldn't really be fulfilling the role of a traditional housewife.

If you were both happy with this and could afford it, there's nothing wrong with this at all. But you're not, so you need to reach an agreement. Do you both drop hours? Does he have X time to find a new job/train/study? Surprises me that a family can manage on one wage with cleaners these days, but you obviously know your own situation.

Most women in the past were NOT housewives, that was actually a very short period of history in the 20th century when it became more common and I wish people would stop peddling this nonsense.

Crushed23 · 04/07/2026 15:38

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/07/2026 15:34

I agree up to a point. If the kids are at school, you are not a SAHP, you are just Not Working, for whatever reason. No comments on people’s earnings though, earning power varies widely.

Edited
Show quote history

I completely agree too.

Classic MN double standards.

I think we should just adopt the term ‘SAHP’. Then if you have a view about SAHDs it necessarily applies to SAHMs too.

WhatNextImScared · 04/07/2026 15:47

YABU that older children don’t benefit from a SAH parent. I wish we could afford for one of us to be there, it’s genuinely helpful and reduces family stress.

BUT… crucially… YANBU about his selfish and daft decision making here. This is not about the children or SAH parenting at all. No wonder you are angry.

I would be making careful financial plans to be able to separate, I think.

Make sure he continues to contribute what he used to for all the household bills. And make sure that you do not give him a single penny for his own personal spending. He says he can afford this life: well, let’s see it.

thesealion · 04/07/2026 15:48

Purplecatshopaholic · 04/07/2026 15:34

I agree up to a point. If the kids are at school, you are not a SAHP, you are just Not Working, for whatever reason. No comments on people’s earnings though, earning power varies widely.

Edited
Show quote history

Yes it does but low earning men are demonised as useless lazy layabouts on here. I don’t agree, but you see it often

BeardySchnauzer · 04/07/2026 15:53

The issue here is that he’s not becoming a sahp - he clearly thinks he can make a living from poker and will prioritise that over the kids no doubt

so OP risks him losing the house on top of not actually looking after the kids

pinkfondu · 04/07/2026 15:55

He’s going to spend his days playing poker

WelshRabBite · 04/07/2026 15:56

You’re not married to him. You don’t have to support him.

You could separate and keep the after school care and the cleaner etc and your life probably wouldn’t change that much, although he probably wouldn’t pay maintenance if he didn’t have a job.

Do you need him for his financial contribution?

Daleksatemyshed · 04/07/2026 16:04

Beachtastic · 04/07/2026 15:24

Yes, but gambling tends not to work like that. Gamblers don't think "Oh that's good, I'll just save this money and live on it." Hence the secret trip to Vegas!

Show quote history

Exactly, unless he's very disciplined he won't just sit on all that money he's won, gamblers think they'll bet again and win even more. Vegas is very expensive to start with and he can gamble day and night there, chances are he could come home with not much left

Dorothyperky · 04/07/2026 16:18

Hum I'm a child of a compulsive gambler and I can tell you the bank always wins in the end!
I grew up on a council estate due to my father's 'dead certs'. My mum was from a wealthy family. Nowt left of that. A few jewels she hid, ditto pictures.
My late father was a lovely man, kind generous and great fun. I miss him every day and he did get on top of his addiction but it was frightening as a child. Bailiffs etc at the door.
I suspect your daughter can see through your partner. Children worry. I lost a lot of money over the last two years due to illness. I got little support from my employer or the state. I kept it from my DD and we're hanging on, just.
As a point of law you're not married so your inheritance and pension is yours. Technically your partner pays for his children. That's it.
If he is planning on bogging off I hope its your house.

Original poster
Eastie77Returns · 04/07/2026 16:37

I own the house. He is not on the mortgage because when we had the appointment to sort out a joint application, it transpired he was already on another mortage. Years previously he helped out his flatmate who wanted to buy the house they were renting by co-signing on the mortgage. The flatmate was supposed to have removed him from the mortgage years ago but evidently didn't. I didn't realies how financially illiterate he was until that moment - he had no idea the fact he was on another mortgage would impact his ability to borrow.

He doesn't save or budget and has a live in the moment mentality.

Retirement - to be honest I'm not particulary bothered about his plans to retire back home which I suppose speaks volumes. It would be in the next 15-20 years or so if it happens. He is apparently going to live in his family home (inherited from deceased parents and shared with siblings). He said DC will get his share of it when he dies and we are all welcome to live there. I would never live in that country for a variety of reasons and have no interest in any of those plans.

The winnings were 6 figures but he claims some of it was shared with his brother and another guy as they are all part of a some complicated syndicate. His plan is to pay the usual £1700 a month and then he says he will only need £200 a month for himself as he leads a simple life. Aside from gambling he said he would tutor children in his native language for GCSE and A level if needed. I can't see that happening. He tried a PGCE course years ago and was asked to leave as he was unsuitable for teaching. His attempts to tutor DD ususally end in a shouting match as he has limited patience and is exasperated when she doesn't under a grammar rule etc.

I don't know legally if I could just make him leave. He presumably has some kind of beneficial interest in the house? Not that he would know about any of that.

OP posts:
Kallos · 04/07/2026 16:38

If nothing else @Eastie77Returns think how awful this must be for your kids. They have grown up with very unhappy parents. I think when you find yourself referring to threads from a decade ago about being unhappy with your DH… it’s time to stop procrastination

thesealion · 04/07/2026 16:47

It’s bonkers that you’ve stayed in a relationship with someone you dislike and disrespect for so long. He won’t have any rights to your house, so you should kick him out before any new cohabitation rights come in (just a consultation at the moment). I’m sure if the sexes were reversed people would be crowing it’s unfair but this is a perfect example of why anyone male or female should consider their financial independence, either through not marrying or, if the lower earning partner, having solo savings/a pension and being financially literate. It sounds like he is financially independent thanks to his poker winnings but that’s not the most stable strategy.

Marwoodsbigbreak · 04/07/2026 16:48

Get some legal advice. They might say you can just tell him to leave. They might advise you to give him a small amount of fuck off money.

This is perfect timing though to separate as he has money in his account which he can use to house and feed himself.

I really wouldn’t lose this opportunity if I were you.

AcrossthePond55 · 04/07/2026 17:39

@Eastie77Returns

I don't know legally if I could just make him leave. He presumably has some kind of beneficial interest in the house? Not that he would know about any of that.

You can start by getting legal advice. There are 'ifs, ands, and buts' to houses bought by one partner when a couple isn't married.

And I agree with @Marwoodsbigbreak . Now's the time to strike, when he's not on the bones of his arse.

Dorothyperky · 04/07/2026 19:08

Legal advice needed OP.
But the big question is do you still love him or want him in your life?

Theeyeballsinthesky · 04/07/2026 19:16

jeeez OP, is his cock made of gold or something? why the hell are you still there and inflicting this dysfunctional model for a relationship on your children

you've been unhappy for yonks, you clearly don't love or respect or even like him. He sounds like he stopped maturing at about 16 (being charitable)

and you're not even married - what on earth is stopping you from just ending it