To think you are not really a SAHD if DC are 11 and 13 yrs old?

[Eastie77Returns]

DP has announced he has had enough of ‘slaving for the man’ and intends to hand in his notice. This antipathy towards work is a long running saga. I had a thread about this over 10 years ago when he wanted to give up work.

Anyway his plan is to be a SAHD to our 10 and 13 year old DC. I find the whole thing laughable. DD (13) is basically self sufficient. Gets herself up and off to school and then to activities after school. She requires picking up from said activities which I do as DP refuses to drive.

DS is obviously at school all day and then after school club. From September (Y6) he will be walking to and from school on his own. It is a 5 minute walk away. I WFH most days so he won’t be coming back to an empty house.

I feel resentful because as far as I can see, this is him just opting out of working even though we still have 2 DC to support. And to do what? He will do some housework. He loves ironing so does that weekly and enjoys certain DIY tasks but will take him weeks or months to get round to doing them. We have a cleaner (I do not want or trust him to clean properly).

Financially, he intends to live off his winnings from poker. He had a big win not long ago (which I only found out about by chance) and he gave me a chunk of it for the DC and said he will live of the rest as he has a minimalistic lifestyle and give me money towards bills from the winnings. Obviously this money will run out at some point but aside from that as far as I can see he will just be dosing around while I continue working. I am extremely unhappy about all of this. Not least because I have been desperate to leave work and have a break but haven’t because I feel it would be irresponsible. Yet DP gets to just decide that is what he will do. He has said I am clearly resentful and jealous but there is nothing stopping me from doing the same (I inherited some money from my late parents last year). I have said I do not agree with this situation at all. AIBU??

So you'd tell him he isnt allowed to be in his house all day?

If there is an issue where he doesnt pull his weight like everyone in the house should, that's separate to whether or not you can tell him when to be in his home.

Why are you even considering it? It's obviously bullshit.

What else can she do?

Curtailed his career..lol. DP doesn’t believe in careers. He was perfectly happy to stay at the lower rung of his profession (he has had ample opportunities to climb up).

I was out working and going for promotions so I could get the money together to move out of a tiny flat and buy a house. Believe me, I would have been happy to work a bit less and enable DP to progress as well. He wasn’t interested. Taking on a bit of extra childcare was the very least he could do.

Sounds like he does pull his weight. He’s always financially contributed (which is more than many women do in a similar set up) and done the lion’s share of parenting while OP was developing her career. At the moment has the means to continue to financially contribute without working. If he wants to lounge around the house while still paying his way he’s entitled to do that. Perhaps OP could work less and pick up more of the domestic duties. Although it sounds like he’d be better off leaving this miserable relationship seeing as OP won’t.

Tell him to leave? She owns the house. He is not on the mortgage, tried to conceal his plans for Vegas, is generally feckless with money (e.g. his other mortgage), and has plans to retire to his home country where OP doesn't want to live. Sometimes it's best to bite the bullet, especially as he currently has the means to sustain himself.

Sure she can end their relationship. She can't control him while in a relationship

Yes, that's what I meant. I was responding to OP's "But I surely have the right to tell him..." - I mean, having the right to tell someone something is not the same as it being a useful thing to do that would have any effect whatsoever...

She asked if she has the right to tell him he can't lounge around his home all day. She doesn't have that right to tell her partner he cant be in their shared home all day. She can tell him they are no longer sharing a home.

Can you see the difference?

Well that is one weird relationship. I wonder how much he loves your children. It doesn't sound as though he's thinking that you two will grow old together..I don't normally hold with everyone saying to leave him., but it does sound like he could be leaving you in time. Good luck OP..

Well, we're both saying the same thing - me, perhaps, a bit more clumsily 🫣😁

OP should definitely split with her DP. Especially as he’s currently solvent.

I can’t imagine why she wouldn’t tbh…

That may well be

but whilst you were doing extensive travel and your career was flourishing - he was at home with the children.

And you don’t even recognise his contribution a teeny tiny bit. It’s just yet another thing to criticise an sneer at him about.

Do you ever laugh together? Hold hands? Chat? Anything to show your kids that you don’t despise him (and he seems not fond of you!). What must holidays be like?

@Eastie77Returns

Sure, you can tell him anything you want. But what you can't do is make him do it. Will you be happy with that? Because it sounds to me as if 1-he's already made up his mind to be a SAHD in whatever form that takes according to him and 2-you don't want a SAHD or your idea of what a SAHP (of either sex) should be responsible for in the home doesn't agree with his. Classic irresistible force meeting an immovable object.

So what are you going to do? As I see it you have 3 options; you can give up and let him do what he wants, spend countless hours trying to get him to do what you want to no avail, or you can end the relationship. The option of 'I tell him what to do and he does it' isn't even in the house, let alone on the table.

I think people can definitely be SAHP to older children – mine are eight and eleven – but not if they’re not in charge of the kids after school, and not if they don’t spend most of the day looking after the house.

No, we spend the entire day seething and snarling at each other and the kids hide from us in their rooms😂

Honestly there is some weird projection on this thread. I asked a question about him being a SAHP and have been accused of minimal parenting (lol), full of hatred and taking advantage of DP just to further my own career.

The situation at home is far from ideal but does anyone on this thread live a 100% life?.

DP is extremely chill. He coaches DS’ football team, takes DD to her football training, works at a job he hates and does minimal hours, plays poker. He doesn’t smoke or drink. The gambling has never prevented him from paying his way. We are however completely incompatible because he lacks ambition and drive. We’ve slowly become like housemates and I accept the ‘relationship’ is over. However is no abuse going on in the house. I don’t think either child has heard a raised voice between us in their lives.

I WFH in a highly paid job. Go out with friends quite a bit, we all go on family holidays together. I’m sorry this isn’t fitting the narrative some of you have built up of me living a grey, depressing life with a DP I despise. Yes he is infuriating and I have written threads about him but no, my life is not and has not been awful.

This is really strange

You have posted many many times about your “lazy and incompetent” and impatient partner with no ambition , sketchy around money and has a gambling addiction.

You have literally pulled him apart over the years

So reasonably assumption that it’s a very unhappy tense family environment

but apparently not

From what you’ve written he sounds a much nicer person than you tbh. You say “lacks ambition and drive”, others might say he’s not materialistic and prioritises things other than money, consumption and status. Your life might not be horrible, but you don’t seem to have an ounce of respect for him. There is nothing inherently wrong with feeling content with “just enough” and wanting free time more than you want more money or a promotion. And without him having that attitude you wouldn’t have been able to build your career the way you have. It just reads like you think there’s only one acceptable way to live life, but if he was also into high flying careers how would that have worked?

ETA I’d have a very different opinion if he wasn’t also financially contributing. Then, there’d be an argument that he was taking the piss. But he is! So you can’t even hold that against him

Agreed

an absolutely zero recognition that the OP’s extensive travelling with work was possible because he had a low paid flexible job that allowed him to pick up everything whilst OP’s career went skyward. Nope, not even a hint of recognising his contribution.

Your biggest issue is that you refuse to accept that this is who he is. If pragmatism keeps you in the relationship then that’s ok but handwringing won’t move the needle on his behaviour or your situation. If you don’t want more of the same or even worse, then you have to be the change.

Your contempt of your partner screams out of your OP, I very much doubt that your kids aren’t aware of this on some level. You and your partner’s relationship is their relationship role model and I’d be very wary what dysfunctional behaviours you and your partner are normalising for them.

Get legal advice about the house, separate your finances or whatever but do something. The longer you leave it, the harder it will be. Aren’t you tired of handwringing?

He’s a loser who is trying to justify his purpose in life by branding himself a SAHD.
If he loves ironing so much, he can bloody start his own laundry business!

It’s all the kids that have known sadly. @Eastie77Returns mentions starting a thread complaining about her husband 10 years ago