AIBU to buy my daughter's boyfriend a replacement phone?

[AboutAPhone]

Sooo…name change and a few altered details for privacy. If I get found I don’t want people to see all of my other posts.

Simple one though really. My DD’s boyfriend has a really old phone and it just doesn’t work anymore. Constantly needs to be hooked up to a powerbank, and just useless. I suspect that his parents don’t use have the money around to buy a new one, but I do and I don’t mind.

I just wonder if I would be overstepping to get him one. I don’t want to offend his parents, I get on well with them, but I just don’t know how to help out without causing an issue. They’re both 17, no jobs yet as they have a very long commute to college and very little spare time to work until they finish next year and go to uni or start working full time, so can’t buy it themselves. Also no birthday or anniversary so I can’t slide the money to my DD to buy it for him as a present.

AIBU to buy one. Just the lowest functioning iPhone would be an upgrade so wouldn’t be spending megabucks.

Thanks, this is kind of what I’m aiming for. There is no issue with his home life, just that I know they don’t have lots and that’s life.

My biggest fear was looking like I was trying to be flashy, but it is 💯 down to hating to see him with something useless and knowing it makes it easier and better for him and DD to communicate if they both have working phones.

Because it’s not a contract phone. Only the sim is on the contract. The phone is a really old one that is owned outright.

I could but that would have a higher cost, probably double. As the one I would buy the boyfriend is the model DD has now. DD new phone would end up costing near 4 figures if I did that…I’m kind but not that kind lol

You sound very kind.
I wouldn't involve your daughter in any lies.

I would either go with the upgrade line or ask her would she like an upgrade and gift him her old one.

If there is nothing wrong with you replacing his phone, why does it need to be kept secret, who are you protecting @AboutAPhone?

The other thought is, if your own and his parents' roles were reversed, financially, how would you feel if they bought a brand new phone for your daughter because you couldn't afford one?

It’s a kind thought but imo it would be overstepping and risk humiliating his family. Does he have a birthday coming up? Perhaps you could get him a refurb.

I would like to think I would be ok with it, but I know that most likely I wouldn’t want to feel as though someone thought I needed their charity. Even though I know that the person wouldn’t be doing it to be flashy, I might still think they were, and judging by a few of the responses here, I wouldn’t be the only one who could feel like that.

Things can be done as a gesture of kindness without the recipient feeling like it was truly a kindness.

@Arregaithel this for example

I don’t think is a good idea; you will be overstepping and offend them

I agree, you sound so lovely, just buy the gift Xx

I wouldn’t without having a proper chat with the parents, they may have had a convo with him regarding getting him a cheaper newer phone but him taking the less sensible option of wanting to stay with the far more expensive Apple, so them saying okay you have to deal with the annoyance of lugging around a battery pack etc if you want to stay on that OS as we can’t afford it.

I wouldn’t lie or get dd involved in the lie, ask the parents, if they want him to have a phone off you, you can just say it honestly that you wanted to get him a new phone and his parents were okay with it.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say I would find it VERY STRANGE and really wouldn't be happy about my teen child being gifted a phone (used or new) by his girlfriends parents. I'd actually be extremely insulted. Our teen (although younger) has broken / lost / damaged his phone various times and we haven't replaced because he needs to learn to be more careful. Also, whether we had the money or not, we budget a certain amount for new things. If it isn't in the budget yet - tough.

Seperately at 17 I would expect him to be working part-time or doing jobs around the house to contribute toward a new phone. Not necessarily pay it all but certainly contribute.

You say he is currently on holiday with you all... did you happen to pay for that too?

ETA: I understand that your gesture is kind. Personally I just couldn't allow my child to accept it.

Buy second hand, declutter drawers at home while there and claim that you came across it and offer it to him. Don't pick a fancy model. And make sure it is unlocked to all networks.

if you need to make light of it, ‘can’t watch you humping that power bank around a minute longer’
say you got a deal
on your contract

Are you sure he actually wants his phone replaced? Pretending your phone is out of battery or not working is a common and non confrontational/kindly way of avoiding too much contact and interference. It was the kind of thing my best friend's mother would have done for me and as much as I adored her, I did find her a bit controlling when she tried to organise me. As a teenager, I would have wanted my own broken phone rather than feel any obligation towards anyone else's parents.

You might suggest he asks around for an old one to tide him over. It's up to him, not you.

Sorry I didn't mean to be insulting by suggesting a 17 yo in a long term relationship might be having sex. I just don't think most teen relationships last forever is all.

Nice gesture OP and there are many ways of downplaying it, per other comments.

Does he already have an iPhone? I hate Apple stuff, so maybe check first? If he's more of an Android user, you get far more bangs for your buck with something like this, and it's a lot less flashy

https://www.mi.com/uk/product-list/phone/poco/

It's a very nice thing to do but does it have to be a iphone? They are expensive by default. Android?

I think it's overstepping the mark.

I've not read all the replies but what came to mind is he may feel beholden to you and feel guilty if in a few months he decides to split up with your D.

It's embarrassing for him to put him in a situation where you're buying something his parents can't or choose not to.

The likelihood is that at 17 and off to uni etc in a year they will not stay together.

It's just not right, even if you are wanting to be kind to him.

Think ahead a bit, to the inevitable break-up.

It doesn’t have to be an iPhone there are some decent smartphones which aren’t too expensive. Anything would be better than what he has now. You could just mention you’ve noticed his phone and would he mind if you bought him one as an early Christmas or birthday gift.

You could pretend to have an old one lying around and get a good but second hand one from CEX. A brand new phone would be too much and embarrassing for the parents.

So you'd ask your daughter to lie for you?

Not a good way to behave.

If she makes sure her phone works and is charged it's not likely to be an issue.
And if there is no signal how would his phone work?

Buy one and say ' could you make use of this?' No drama needed...its a nice thing to do and youre obviously a nice person. Ignore the negative comments

Are you sure they are not having sex?
Not that it's relevant to buying a phone but it's quite unusual now for 2 17 year olds who are 'inseparable' not to have a sexual relationship.