AIBU to cancel a first date over his venue choice?

[TheLobsterClub]

I think I’m going to cancel.

Meant to meet someone for the first time tomorrow, been talking for ages online but I’m not sure if there’s much of a spark so far. He wanted to meet in a soulless Costa coffee on the edge of town, which I’d never go in at the best of times. I suggested we meet in the town centre which is full of cute little independent coffee shops, bars, etc.

His response was that his ex wife works in the town and it would be awkward if he was seen on a date. I mean a few of my exes work in the town (it’s a small town after all) but the key differences are a) they’ll be at work during the day and b) I actually don’t care

It sounds to me like we can never go out in my home town? I feel like cancelling to be honest.

How can you resist a little dig? "Oh, Jeremy, small world. I didn't expect you to come here!"

Something new to mess with him every time! 😆

You said you don't give any fucks. He obviously does. Sounds like you're not suited.

I think he spelt ex wife wrong. It sounds like he wants to meet somewhere he won't be seen.

YANBU. You can cancel a first date for whatever reason you like. Don't overthink it, just cancel and move on. Trust your first instincts - they're usually right.

I think he’s still married which is why he doesn’t want to be seen

@SometimesThingsHappen I have been very tempted but I'm usually just in disbelief that he can pretend never to have seen me before in his life!

Red flag that his ex is not really that, would be my thought. Or at least very recent, or someone who could tell you something concerning about him.

Politely decline.

I was going to agree with the above poster that the 'costa being soulless' thing is a bit of a crap reason to refuse a date there, and also that technically I could see the ex-wife point - if he is dating a few people (i.e. casual first dates to see if there's a spark, not stringing multiple people along) I could sort of understand not wanting the hassle of 'Who was the woman I saw you with on the weekend,' at this very early stage before he knows if it might go anywhere. Even if the chances of her seeing you herself might be low, she probably has friends/family/colleagues who know what he looks like etc.

Personally I would have probably given it a go, as the advantage of costa is that if it quickly becomes apparent it's a no go it's an easy one for you to make your escape from too - because it's "soulless" there's no real expectation for you to hang around chatting for hours once you've finished the coffee.

However your update with the "show you off" gave me the ick too, so maybe your first instincts were right!

Can’t stand coffee shop snobs

@UniquePinkSwan are you trying to imply I'm one? I didn't want to spend my first date at a retail park, I've said I'd be quite happy going to the town centre Costa - regardless of which I only drink instant coffee so it hardly matters to me does it

Is a coffee shop snob someone who has a preference over what coffee they enjoy or the setting they like to enjoy it in?

I’d never go to a McDonalds and sit in to have a coffee, for example, because it’s loud and busy and I wouldn’t enjoy the experience. I also don’t particularly enjoy the coffee (although it’s better than some other places, like Costa, IMO). Does this make me a coffee snob, or someone with a preference?

His response was that his ex wife works in the town and it would be awkward if he was seen on a date.

I would give this one a miss. I'd wonder if she really was an ex-wife.
Couldn't be doing with this sort of thing, basically sneaking around.
He'll be no end of bother in the long run because even if she actually is his ex-wife he's obviously still invested in some way or he wouldn't care if he saw her or not OR she's the type to go berserk if she finds out he's seeing someone and that's drama you can do without.

PS: I think I know which town it is based on your description. I'm originally from the North East. It's quite a big town so the chance of bumping into the "ex"-wife is very slim and no I absolutely wouldn't want to be going to the retail park on the outskirts when there are nice places in the centre!

Thank you, I suspect you've got it right - I was thinking of suggesting a bar which does coffee through the day which has a lovely area at the back with fairy lights, etc. - so not as if we would even have been seen through the window! Plus would be arriving and leaving separately so it would need to be the world's biggest coincidence if she was there too!

Apparently if we got on then he wouldn't hesitate to 'show me off' (that's given me the ick as well tbh I'm not a bloody trophy wife)

This comment makes me wonder if he's suggesting he wants to go somewhere out the way just in case you've got two heads (!) and if you haven't then he'll "go public"?

Sounds like his ex is not his ex’

The fact that he thinks Costa Coffee is a nice place to meet for a date would be enough for me to swerve it tbh!

There’s either a lot more to this story or he’s being dramatic for no reason. Apparently the woman and this man ruined his family and if there’s even a 1% chance he might bump into them that would make him uncomfortable. My ex (not the one I’ve mentioned already) still lives in the town and although I suffered years of abuse at his hands I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of thinking I had to stay away from places in case he happened to be there (and I’ve managed not to bump into him for five years!)

Could well be awkward because… he is in fact still married. Like half the men chancing their arms on dating apps.

Yeah, I think he's married.

He is either scarred or duplicitous. Either way, he is not a suitable date.

She’s not his ex wife.

Probably his wife not his ex wife . Wanting to go to out of the way places and avoid people is a red flag. If she’s his ex wife why would she care ? Ditch

Ah does it begin with a "D" by any chance? Agree shithole but yes has some lovely indie cafes/pubs (im from a nearby even bigger shithole beginning with "M" but lived in "D" for 5 years until moved to Liverpool last year. SO many strange men in this neck of the woods, so be careful 🤣

Gateway to the Tees Valley apparently 😅although would never say it was Teesside - I'm a Co Durham girl all the way!