AIBU to cancel a first date over his venue choice?

[TheLobsterClub]

I think I’m going to cancel.

Meant to meet someone for the first time tomorrow, been talking for ages online but I’m not sure if there’s much of a spark so far. He wanted to meet in a soulless Costa coffee on the edge of town, which I’d never go in at the best of times. I suggested we meet in the town centre which is full of cute little independent coffee shops, bars, etc.

His response was that his ex wife works in the town and it would be awkward if he was seen on a date. I mean a few of my exes work in the town (it’s a small town after all) but the key differences are a) they’ll be at work during the day and b) I actually don’t care

It sounds to me like we can never go out in my home town? I feel like cancelling to be honest.

I wouldn't cancel over a Costa.

I would cancel over the fact he's awkward about his EX knowing he's dating

Alarm bells and red flags aplenty there

Costa is shite at the best of times and a retail park one just adds insult to injury.
Your town centre sounds nice though; out of interest can you say where you are?

It's hardctk know if there's actually a spark when you're just messaging tho, even on the phone. Getting a physical meeting in early will tel you quickly one way or the other

I met DH in Starbucks 14 years ago. Married with 3 kids and going strong. It's just a choice shop fgs

I would always advocate women meet somewhere they're familiar with, is busy and you can get help if you need it. An out of town e retail park would smarts be a no

Id go to Costa on the premise you might not want to be seen with him! Online dating can be tricky and they can be quite different in the flesh, I know from personal experience. As you think there’s no chemistry anyway I’d agree to Costa, suss him out, and see if you want another date and to go somewhere nicer then.

a coffee is a great first date as you can easily get the hell out of there if it’s not going well, and you’re not stuck with a 3 course meal:)

on the first date I’d be digging deeper re: ex wife, sounds like this might be an issue if u do like him

@AlwaysExtraHot large-ish market town in the North East of England - a lot of the place is a complete dump and full of vape shops, barbers, etc. like the rest of the country but there is an area of the town centre that's been invested in and has some lovely independent shops, cafes, etc. It's probably to do with moving some government bods up here from that there London!

Cancel it.

Sounds so nice! Yes, it's funny what the London effect can be.

FFS - youre overthinking this - youve already made your mind up - cancel the date and move on.

Good idea! I love a freshly cleared out fridge ❤️

Yeah that's ridiculous. Tell him you're not looking for a partner who is too scared to go out with women in the town we both live in in case he bumps into his 'ex'. What does he think she'd do? More like he's still married.

And yeah..suggesting Costa of all places isn't a great start at the best of times. It's literally one grade above McDonald's? In fact McDonald's has better food.

I do think a lot of people now do pre-dates at a place like this, to see if there is any kind of spark before doing an actual date. BUT I agree his fixation on the ex (or not) wife is concerning.

A retail park Costa is uninspiring but fine for a first date where you're just getting to know each other. Sometimes that means you can actually concentrate on the other person rather than getting distracted by the nice environment.

The anxiety over his ex seeing him on dates doesn't bode well for the future - OP is right, does that mean they can never go out in town? - and is a level of drama that I could not be bothered with at all.

Coffee shop should be a lovely choice, but any man who thinks Costa coffee is in any way drinkable is not a man I would want to spend time with!

McDonald's has better coffee than Costa!

Haha I was nearly gonna say that. In terms of price McDs coffee is about the same quality but much cheaper! More atmosphere too? Costa is really quite depressing isn't it?

It could just mean she hasn't got over him and he's worried about her seeing him, not necessarily that she isn't an ex. Or she doesn't know he's started to date again.

I don't think the venue choice is that terrible since it's just a quick meet to see if you actually like anything about each other in person. Would you go if he said he only had an hour's break and needed to meet somewhere where it's easy to park close by?

Up to you, of course and you already had doubts as you started the thread. But MN is not the best place to find encouragement on actually checking out a potential male date in person.

So I've had a further message from him saying that she's always with the work colleague she cheated on him with and that it would only be on the first date it would make him uncomfortable - it really isn't like my town is a village so the chances of them being in exactly the same place at exactly the same time are infinitely small! It's not something that would even cross my mind (my abusive ex for example still lives in the town somewhere and I've not seen him in over five years)

Apparently if we got on then he wouldn't hesitate to 'show me off' (that's given me the ick as well tbh I'm not a bloody trophy wife)

If you like him and want to see if there’s a spark then I don’t understand why you wanted just meet him at Costa.

I don’t get the ‘soulless’ part.
It’s a quick drink, not an engagement.
It doesn’t need to be anything fancy or rom- com like.

I would be a bit concerned about the ex being an issue but if you like him then I’d rather meet up with him and then discuss it more later on.

I don’t think it’s a huge red flag as I know the majority of people wouldn’t want their ex seeing them out on a date if it’s not been that long.

Imagine your ex cheating on you and then seeing you on dates with different men because they aren’t suitable, end up being married etc.
It would be a bit embarrassing like you can’t find anyone or like you’re trying to make them jealous because you want them back etc

I’d much rather avoid seeing my ex when out on a first date.

Never mind the Ex issue which is enough in itself, but yeah Costa coffee is … not great.

Haha yes I was travelling last month for work, gasping for a coffee mid morning, only place nearby was Maccie D’s.

The Americano was actually far more drinkable than I expected. Pretty decent for a chain coffee from a machine.

Id heard people say this before but didn’t believe them. I wouldn’t be averse to having it again if I had to make a choice in a retail park situation.

Since it's been months and he's still actively avoiding her even when it inconveniences him (and you), I'd worry that he's not yet over her/the breakup. It's maybe understandable if she cheated, etc. - I wouldn't necessarily say it's a character flaw or anything like that - but he may not be ready to date yet. If you're looking for a serious relationship I might swerve this one, especially if your instinct is to cancel.

It also seems like the focus is squarely on his needs and wants and not yours - per the follow-up, it's OK for the two of you to be seen together when HE decides it's time and HE wants to "show you off", but he won't compromise because you'd like to go to a place where you can eat/drink something and you'd like to stay in town rather than skulking on the outskirts. You could also firmly propose a specific alternate meting place and cancel if he's still unwilling to compromise.

Apparently if we got on then he wouldn't hesitate to 'show me off'

Nope.

Id heard people say this before but didn’t believe them.

OMG me too 😂My OH would often tell me that McDonalds coffee wasn't bad, I just assumed he was being cheap. It's actually ok, better than Costa I'd say.