AIBU for wanting my partner to leave me completely alone so I can do my hobby?

[CheekyTealFawn]

Partner and I have a 3 year old girl. He works full time, I work part time and study full time for my degree.

My far-fetched, life long dream/goal is to be a published author. Has been since I was a child. Around the time my daughter turned 18 months, I got that creative spark back. I had (or at least I think so) an idea for a great story and I had the fire and drive to write it.

With having such a full schedule already, I had to squeeze writing and reading wherever I could fit it. Early mornings before everyone was up, sometimes in the evening once DD goes to bed. I would still cook, and we’d have dinner together, and then I’d go write. I wouldn’t do it every evening, but sometimes I’d be bubbling up all day with ideas and I couldn’t wait to sit down to write them out.

My partner would get upset when I did do it in the evenings. Never said I couldn’t do it, but he’d keep talking about how he was disappointed we weren’t spending the evening together and I’d feel guilty and then lose that fire I’d been building up, so I wouldn’t write. Then, if I did end up writing, he’d constantly come in to chat or to ask where something is (for example) or ask me to stop my work to give him a kiss or a hug . I’ve said countless times, if you see me writing it takes me so long to get into it so unless it’s an emergency please just give me this time to myself. It would still happen every time though, multiple times a session.

I ended up getting so sick over the 7/8 months I tried, I’ve lost “it” again. I think because I know getting that writing time alone is a battle I’ve just lost the energy to keep fighting for it.

So I haven’t written in months, and now every day he is asking why I’m not writing, when I’m going to start writing again etc because it’s my dream. Which is also frustrating me.

I don’t know how to handle this. It’s a hobby at the moment, not a career for a start. And I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting two or three nights a week to do it when we don’t see each other all day. Finally, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable needing to be left completely alone while I do it.

I think for most people 3 nights a week doing your own thing is on the higher side. For me there wouldn’t be enough time with my DH if he dedicated almost half his available time to a hobby.

Does he have a hobby? Sounds like you need to encourage him to go to a gym so you can have the time to yourself. Of course you should be able to sit undisturbed without a needy partner sabotaging you.

What do you think is a fair balance?

He plays football with his friends in a local league or goes to the gym once a week! I think we’re very different in that I have always cherished my independence and alone time, something you get nothing of once you have a child 🤣 whereas he prefers to spend it with me

Can't you arrange to coincide your writing with his pub and gym trips so you get your peace and quiet and you can spend the other evenings together?

I'm imagining someone saying they wanted time alone 3 whole evenings a week to do gaming, for example, or working out in a shed.

If your partner had equal time to himself you'd only have one evening a week together.

I think the answer that he find something to do (out of the house?) for 3 nights a week is ok - but i'd miss my partner if i only saw him 4 out of 7 evenings regularly.

Maybe 2 nights would be better.

Are his local league games and gym attendance during times where you have to care for your child?

I think I'd try to lean into the early mornings more, if you can? Then you can have a bit of couples time in the evenings?

Ask him how he'd feel if, every time he went to the gym or played football, you wandered up to him mid-lift / mid-game and asked him for a hug or wanted him to come and sit with you.

You're cooking and eating together each night, so it's not like you're not spending any time with him, and you've also carved out time in the mornings and when he's asleep, so it's not like you're making no effort to be with him ever. I think he needs to be a bit less needy.

And yes, before anyone asks, I'd say the same if it was a husband who wanted to spend a couple of hours gaming or building Lego models or something a few nights a week.

I don't even think it's necessarily just about writing being something you need to concentrate on. I think it's about some people just needing to be alone to do their own thing without another person around. I'm like that, and I would find it hard to live with someone who wanted me around him all evening, every evening.

Gym is while my daughter is awake, local league is while she’s in bed!

I think this is the thing! We are very different in that sense. I would be happy for him to do his own thing 3 nights a week, and I of course would line up my writing nights along with those so we still had 4 nights. To me, 4 is great. But he only does it once every week, sometimes twice, but then he does sometimes go to concerts and stuff too with his friends so it can be up to 3/4 nights a week but this is rare, once every couple of months

No right or wrong answer. I wouldn't mind it, but have read plenty of threads on here that would say a husband in your situation is checking out of married life/what's the point in being married etc. etc.

I would make a habit of getting up earlier every day. It’s the only time nobody wants you.
I don’t know how you haven’t stabbed him with your pencil. 7-8 interruptions aaaaargh!!!

I can see both sides of this one, really. It's not unreasonable to want to spend evenings with your partner, it's also not unreasonable to want to write.

Is there anywhere you could go out to, to write, so you're not disturbed?

Can you work together to find a compromise schedule, so you both have some certainty? I would personally find the unpredictability of your writing urges harder to deal with - if I know I've an evening to myself, I can mentally plan how I'll spend it, but if I was expecting to hangout with my partner and then they suddenly demanded complete solitude, that would be more upsetting.

I think you need to find a compromise. A clear schedule might help. Otherwise you’ll either feel guilty or he feels there’s no couples time. My partner soon starts marathon training and I did tell him that I want to support him, but that going to the gym every day after work wouldn’t work for me in terms of family life and caring for our toddler. He will now do 2 evenings per week, one morning per week, and something on the weekend fitted around family time.

Have you sat him down and talked about how much this means to you? I would worry if after that he still resents you spending time writing. It shows that he doesn't care for your inner life and ambitions but only cares what you can do for him.

Yes, 3 nights each leaves only one together, and you never get this time as a young family back.

Could you not rethink how you write? As in record some voice notes when inspiration strikes or have a notebook handy to jot down some ideas, lines etc. You could then look over your notes while spending time with the family. Or when you put your daughter to bed stay upstairs half an hour longer. Use that time to write or re-write what you can. Good luck!

I would aim to do it while he is at the gym (if your daughter is in bed) or early in the morning if possible. If not, I would choose particular nights per week and make myself unavailable - locked door with earplugs in, round the corner in the car, or sat in a cafe or local pub. It would mean writing down notes so you don’t forget ideas but then at least you would know you’d have uninterrupted time to focus

What you’ve said resonates a great deal with me. It was my fixed ambition from around seven years old to be a published author. All went to pot a bit when children were small, and then, when my youngest started nursery, I started to feel able to write again.
What worked for me was a fixed schedule, of 500 words a day. It’s not much, 500 words is about one page of my sprawling writing. Sometimes on busy days this would be done in bed. Sometimes I would have to miss a day, but the aim was always 500 words a day. I don’t think this would take you away from your family too much would it?
It is hard, carving out time to write. And it’s not like you have anything to show anyone when you’ve finished, not like a painting or a finished jumper! But if you need to write, you need to find a schedule that works, and for me that was word count.
Good luck!

We probably spend 3/4 nights a week after kids are in bed doing our own thing (on the same days obviously) so I don’t think that’s unreasonable at all. We still see each other plenty on those days before the kids are in bed, mornings, we both WFH etc. But we have different hobbies and interests as well as shared ones and we value the time to pursue those. It’s important to me we have time to be individuals as well as doing stuff together. We actually just had a chat the other night about how great our relationship still is well over a decade and two kids later, and I think that’s a lot to do with allowing each other the time and space to be their own person as well as sharing time together.

I think it sounds more like a bit of a mismatch in your personalities on this topic than anyone being unreasonable, but you do both need to find a balance where neither of you are resentful, and that might have to be a compromise on both sides.

YANBU. I have a creative hobby that I like to spend evenings on, and like you I have ideas during the day and can't wait to get stuck in. My partner is totally fine and encourages me to do what I enjoy. We have two kids and I have a separate room which I lock when I am busy.

He keeps interrupting you because he's jealous and doesn't want you to write. And now he's asking you when you're gonna start again? Say you'll start when he leaves you the fk alone to write! You need to be in the zone and he is trashing that for you. Can you install a lock on the door and put up a sign "do not disturb"?

The interrupting and asking for hugs or kisses suggests that he feels that your writing represents you pulling away from him. The time after DD goes to bed is really the only time you have when you can cuddle up together. Maybe making the most of the evenings you do have together would help him to get over his insecurity.

How about you still get up early and have one (set) evening a week when you write, but every 2-3 weeks you also go and sit in the local library and write for 4-5 uninterrupted hours on a weekend day? Make notes on your phone of new ideas as you go along too, so you are ready to go.

Yeah, he is prioritising his needs over yours. That is just not cool. One serious conversation to give him a chance to see it from your point of view.

Though if he still doesn’t get it, I really don’t know what to advise. As Virginia Woolf said it ‘a woman writer needs a room of her own ‘.

good luck, hope you can carve out some time for yourself.