AIBU for wanting my partner to leave me completely alone so I can do my hobby?

[CheekyTealFawn]

Partner and I have a 3 year old girl. He works full time, I work part time and study full time for my degree.

My far-fetched, life long dream/goal is to be a published author. Has been since I was a child. Around the time my daughter turned 18 months, I got that creative spark back. I had (or at least I think so) an idea for a great story and I had the fire and drive to write it.

With having such a full schedule already, I had to squeeze writing and reading wherever I could fit it. Early mornings before everyone was up, sometimes in the evening once DD goes to bed. I would still cook, and we’d have dinner together, and then I’d go write. I wouldn’t do it every evening, but sometimes I’d be bubbling up all day with ideas and I couldn’t wait to sit down to write them out.

My partner would get upset when I did do it in the evenings. Never said I couldn’t do it, but he’d keep talking about how he was disappointed we weren’t spending the evening together and I’d feel guilty and then lose that fire I’d been building up, so I wouldn’t write. Then, if I did end up writing, he’d constantly come in to chat or to ask where something is (for example) or ask me to stop my work to give him a kiss or a hug . I’ve said countless times, if you see me writing it takes me so long to get into it so unless it’s an emergency please just give me this time to myself. It would still happen every time though, multiple times a session.

I ended up getting so sick over the 7/8 months I tried, I’ve lost “it” again. I think because I know getting that writing time alone is a battle I’ve just lost the energy to keep fighting for it.

So I haven’t written in months, and now every day he is asking why I’m not writing, when I’m going to start writing again etc because it’s my dream. Which is also frustrating me.

I don’t know how to handle this. It’s a hobby at the moment, not a career for a start. And I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting two or three nights a week to do it when we don’t see each other all day. Finally, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable needing to be left completely alone while I do it.

I don’t see how anybody could object to that!

I was passionate about long distance running. I used to get out the door at 4am for long runs so I’d still get evenings with my DH and time with my babies.
I do see his point.

If you’re out the door at 4 (so up at what, 3.45?) you must have been pretty knackered after 8pm surely.

Are you also doing all the cooking and cleaning laundry etc?

But she’s got time in the evenings when she’s had dinner and the baby is in bed. She doesn’t need to give anything up just so she can spend seven nights a week sitting on the sofa with her DP.

Yes I do it all

You're not unreasonable at all, I can't write with anyone else around, I need the privacy. To the extent that I stopped writing entirely not long after meeting my partner 16 years ago because we're always in each other's pockets. Don't be like me!!! I did English and creative writing at uni and writing always really helped my mental health. I don't even read fiction now never mind write because I hate the feeling of being interrupted so much, so I would be very resentful about all his encouragement after he'd sabotaged me if I were you 😄on a serious note though I think it's actually healthy and good for your relationship to have a few hours on your own things every week, especially something which will 'refill your cup' as they say. He might not see it that way right now, but I bet one day he will.

I would be honest with him about it though, maybe try to take a curious approach next time he mentions it of 'hmm it's interesting you say that because I felt you didn't like me spending time on it' and see what he says. Maybe he had a realisation and is trying to put it right? After many years of failing to address things I think I've realised just neutrally pointing out/explicitly describing behaviour patterns and relationship dynamics is much more effective than my usual method of bottling things up until I explode.

Also ignore the sniping on here about you daring to want to enjoy yourself on top of studying and having a child, you have to make time for you or you forget how!

Thank you, I really appreciate everything you said! I do think I’m the kind of person who needs some alone time at some point in the week, whether that was to write or to just sit and stare into space, or else I go stir crazy 😅 I will bring it up, because I would love to start writing again I just don’t want the stress and guilt that comes around it. Maybe it will be different this time. I do need to figure out how to get what I need whilst also giving him what he needs but it would be helpful to discuss it for sure.

The reason I’m thinking about it all is because I’ve just finished uni for the summer so now have lots of time to do it, but the spark I had lost last year is still gone and even though I have lots of time, I just can’t get into it as much 🥲

and I agree! I feel like writing was the only thing I had that was mine and only mine. Once we moved in and had a child I felt like my life and time and attention belonged to everybody but me, but that was mine and I didn’t realise how much I needed it !

Good luck! I forgot to say, someone else mentioned going to bed 'early' and getting some uninterrupted time that way. I don't use it for anything as productive as writing but going to bed early and waking up before my partner is how I started to take some time to myself again and I think it eased him into the idea. He knows I don't go straight to sleep but it also eases the guilt for me because I've always gone to bed before him anyway, he's a night owl. It helps that we have our own rooms though and I'm not sure how feasible having that time at the end and start of a day when you have a 3yr old is but just thought I'd mention it!

Also I think for my partner the main source of tension is that I find it physically impossible to just say 'hey I'm gonna do my own thing for a few hours' so I will just disappear to another room and he'll be waiting for me to come back like a lemon. I also wish we could just do our activities quietly in the same room together but he's a TV addict and I find the noise distracting, and he finds me doing things in front of the TV equally distracting. But maybe there's something you can do that will make it easier like have set times (although appreciate that might not work with when you feel like writing). I found thinking of the hour or so between dinner and winding down for bed as 'mine' helped me take that time more often but that was more about giving myself permission than stopping him interrupting. And again I assume that's possibly taken up with 3yrolds bath and bedtime 😄

"I want my daughter to see that and know that having a child and a partner doesn’t mean sacrificing everything in your own life" - love this! My mum did a great job of modelling this, I wish I was naturally more like her but it is a behaviour I appreciate seeing and am still trying to learn from in my 30s while she has a much better time in her 70s 😆

hmm this is interesting . I go to the gym 3 times a week for over 2/3 hours. Then a knitting/ crochet class for 2 hours then I read or learn a language I’m working on on other nights. I might see my husband for a spot if dinner or we might watch tv or a film or go to friends/ have them over. But we don’t spend 4 /5 solid evenings together. That would drive me nuts! He plays piano, or has projects he likes to do sometimes sees friends for a night out. Might do a workout ( he wants to play golf). I would say perfectly normal to want to be able to write 3 times a week. Very odd your husband acts like a needy immature child when you do. He needs to grow up and find his own hobbies and not constantly rely on you for his entertainment! When kids have left home you will certainly need your hobbies !

Sabotaging your writing is unacceptable! Does he read what you write? Encourages you? My XD used to tell me to do things, then make then very hard (interrupting, etc), and then tell me I was a "quitter" because I didn't finish things. When I finally wrote a book, and was really proud of it, he didn't read it!

She might think she has time but it's affecting her relationship. Her partner has already expressed that he feels sidelined. Maybe there is a compromise but if OP doesn't take him seriously it might be to her detriment in the long run.

Yes same when men want to do their hobbies which is always discouraged on here

thank you! I honestly think no matter what the time is for it’s still important to have. I think set times is really difficult for me, as the ideas come when they come, but I guess with a child now I kind of have to force myself into these set times if I’m going to make it work! As it sounds like you have a great set up and understanding between you both that works well!

And thank you! I agree, it’s so important. My mum was the same, and it’s something I admire even more now that I have a child of my own. But it’s hard to practice ourselves. I was very much the same for a long time out of guilty. Tried something different, but then the guilt got to me again so I can totally relate!

which I disagree with. Everyone should have hobbies? When in CBT therapy, they showed me a pie chart about all of the different areas of life someone should try to meet to feel more fulfilled. Hobbies was one of them, as was career, romance, family etc. It’s important to have interests outside of being with your partner

Her DP needs to get a serious grip and stop acting like a needy child who wants their mother.

OP wants to write for a couple of hours three days a week. Her DP should be able to cope without her having to sit next to him on the sofa every night all night.

But how many endless posts do we see on here, with woman who would be going by what you have said, are acting like a needy child?

How many woman cant cope with being alone let alone acting like a grown adult? and need constant attention?

What’s that got to do with my situation though?
I, personally, have no issue with my partner having hobbies. I actively encouraged it. My post isn’t “do I have time to write” it’s about whether or not I was unreasonable to ask for it a few nights a week if I’m feeling particularly inspired

I think if you are currently doing a degree alongside part time working and caring for your DC, you could probably save writing the novel for later. Surely the degree is more of a priority right now. You can't juggle everything.

My degree is English literature with creative writing. We’re actually encouraged to write throughout, on anything that inspires us whether it’s poetry non fiction a novel. It’s not required but strongly advised

Well that's your perfect cover then. You are studying 😃

He doesn’t like that either 😅 he doesn’t mind me reading set books or anything like that because I’m not as anti social when I read 😅

And if she doesn’t take her writing seriously, no one else will. I wrote my first novel on maternity leave, and God help anyone who got in my way. To this day, if I have a deadline (and that baby is 14 now), I am simply not available unless it’s a life or death situation.

Then, bluntly, you have the wrong husband.

He’s honestly amazing in every other way except this