AIBU for wanting my partner to leave me completely alone so I can do my hobby?

[CheekyTealFawn]

Partner and I have a 3 year old girl. He works full time, I work part time and study full time for my degree.

My far-fetched, life long dream/goal is to be a published author. Has been since I was a child. Around the time my daughter turned 18 months, I got that creative spark back. I had (or at least I think so) an idea for a great story and I had the fire and drive to write it.

With having such a full schedule already, I had to squeeze writing and reading wherever I could fit it. Early mornings before everyone was up, sometimes in the evening once DD goes to bed. I would still cook, and we’d have dinner together, and then I’d go write. I wouldn’t do it every evening, but sometimes I’d be bubbling up all day with ideas and I couldn’t wait to sit down to write them out.

My partner would get upset when I did do it in the evenings. Never said I couldn’t do it, but he’d keep talking about how he was disappointed we weren’t spending the evening together and I’d feel guilty and then lose that fire I’d been building up, so I wouldn’t write. Then, if I did end up writing, he’d constantly come in to chat or to ask where something is (for example) or ask me to stop my work to give him a kiss or a hug . I’ve said countless times, if you see me writing it takes me so long to get into it so unless it’s an emergency please just give me this time to myself. It would still happen every time though, multiple times a session.

I ended up getting so sick over the 7/8 months I tried, I’ve lost “it” again. I think because I know getting that writing time alone is a battle I’ve just lost the energy to keep fighting for it.

So I haven’t written in months, and now every day he is asking why I’m not writing, when I’m going to start writing again etc because it’s my dream. Which is also frustrating me.

I don’t know how to handle this. It’s a hobby at the moment, not a career for a start. And I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting two or three nights a week to do it when we don’t see each other all day. Finally, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable needing to be left completely alone while I do it.

exactly! It’s hard work, it’s not something you can pick up and put down and just tinker with half-committed until it’s finished if you want to have anything that’s worth even attempting to send to an agent. Amazing writing your book on mat leave by the way!

No it may not personally be about you but the collective MN brigade would have a fit if a man said I need to go to football 3 nights a week as I am aspired too or whatever scenario was put

This is you op and he needs to understand that. I would go for two nights a week, but if he comes in to chat I would say that’s broken my chain of thought and take an extra night. And repeat. You don’t wander out onto the field when he’s playing to have a chat and give him a kiss, he needs to learn to give you the space you need. So if that’s 7 nights a week you fuck off to your space because he cannot make himself give you one single evening to do your thing then it’s 7 nights. Do not reward him with your time when he fucks up your plans, put a photo of a footy match on the door to your study to remind him your activities matter too. I’m sorry some men are such toddlers.

After he’d done all the childcare and all the housework and all the cooking ? Mumsnet would say you need to give him something of his own!

You're not being in the slightest unreasonable, but your husband definitely is. Hypocritical too if he goes out to watch football and to the gym. I'd add lazy if he watches you do every scrap of cooking and cleaning all week without lifting a finger.

I started writing five years ago and am now happily full time. I could never have done this if my husband hadn't insisted on stepping up and giving me as much time as possible to write my first few books and learn how to market them. It's turned out to be an investment for both our futures, but he couldn't have known that when he first encouraged me to follow my lifelong dream and did absolutely everything in his power to make it possible, taking on extra childcare and housework in the evenings simply because he loves me and wanted me to be happy that I'd given it my very best shot.

One thing I would say that tends to be very unpopular among creatives is that writing is as much a matter of discipline as anything. You can write when you feel ill, tired or out of sorts. At first, that seems impossible, but a million or so words later, you realise that just isn't true. The muse may be wayward and elusive, but it's entirely possible to grab her by the scruff of the neck and pin her down, kicking and struggling.

The best piece of advice I got when I started in 2021 was to show up, show up, and keep showing up. Set a time every single day and don't negotiate with yourself. If the only thing you write during that time - and it can be five minutes or five hours, depending on your circumstances - is a jumble of words, you still write them. Very soon, your brain will realise that this is writing time and will switch to that mode the second you sit down in your chair. Try to make it the same time and place every day because our brains thrive on routine and habit and it sets good neural pathways.

One of the things I did when I started was to create the habit of not allowing myself to get out of bed until I'd written 200 words. Nowadays, that only takes me seven or eight minutes. It's a great time to do it because your brain is in flow state the moment you wake up, and you are at your most creative as long as you don't speak to anyone, look at your phone etc. Read about morning pages for more detail. I used to do those before realising that time would be better spent getting my creative writing done.

The point of that particular exercise was that I realised if I did it every single day of the year, I would have a whole book written by December 31st without even trying. Wich meant that if every single other thing went wrong that year, I'd still come out of it with at least one novel. It's easy enough to edit those words while watching TV with your husband or whatever else it is you do in the evenings.

Nowadays those 200 words almost always turn into more, but my brain knows it has permission to stop the moment I hit that set word count. It works very well to gamify things in order to keep your brain happy. I also have a document on my laptop where I keep a tally of my exact word count every day of the year and add it up on December 31st. It's quite inspiring. These days, I reserve the morning 200 for any spare book that takes my fancy outside of the two series I write in order to pay the mortgage and bills. It feels like I'm rewarding myself for my hard work during the rest of the day and get to try new ideas and genres risk free.

Tell your lazy husband that you ARE going to do this and he IS going to stop sabotaging you. If he loves you and wants you to follow your dreams he is now going to start cooking dinner three times and week and cleaning up after himself. Also picking up a few household jobs. He's an adult, and no adult should be swanning around the house expecting a woman to clear up after them. If he has time for football and the pub, he has time to fold and put away a few clothes each week. TIme for you to be more assertive here. Tell him how you feel about him sabotaging you with his neediness. Tell him exactly when you will and won't be available, then ruthlessly take the time your creative brain needs in order to feel fulfilled. Don't wait until your forties or fifties to follow your dream.

Join a few FB writing groups. I started with 20 books to 50k, without whom I would never have succeeded, and whose amazing Vegas writing conference seminars are free on YouTube going back years. I then added FB groups for the two genres in which I write. Another thing I find useful is joining online writing sprints with other writers around the world. There's always one going on in a time zone that works for whenever time I want to write, whether it's lunchtime or three in the morning. Practice really does make perfect. I can easily write 2000 words an hour these days and always make sure I do. It's hard at first, but now the words flow thick and fast. Purists will say that you compromise quality by learning to write at will, but my readers disagree, and my income is a reward for listening to people sit and snipe from the sidelines.

It helps that I realised early on that traditional publishing wouldn't give me enough money to live on, so I started my own business, worked until I dropped for the first three years, then settled into a proper forty hour week. I now even give myself paid annual leave and sick leave!

Please don't give up your dream. It takes a massive amount of work and determination, but there's nothing like realising you can pay your bills by making up lies for a living, as someone once called it in the book Writing for Pleasure and Profit. And you don't have to retire at the end of it. I intend to keep writing until I drop because I earn money doing the thing I love most in the world. If you want book recommendations to help with your craft or any other writing group suggestions, please just say. The very best of luck to you!

I would pick one night a week when you always write and go out of the house to do it - Costa or Starbucks or something - but make it the equivalent of his gym time.

But, if you’re serious about your writing, this is the only way that matters.

Thank you so much for this and for all of your advice. So unbelievably helpful, and congratulations on all your success! It sounds like you’ve worked so hard and long for it, and it is more than paying off. This is something I know I’m capable of, but writing a book is never going to be something I can do unless I work just as hard as you did.

love that the words come easier to you now. Gives me hope! Sometimes they come so freely and I’m proud of what I’ve written, sometimes I struggle to get a paragraph out and I read it the next day and it’s… shite 🤣

I also used to do morning pages for my mental health but I love the idea of 200 words of creative writing until I give myself permission to stop! Within a year I’ll have a full first draft of a novel, which feels unattainable to me right now. I’m going to stop waiting for the spark I recently lost to come back and just keep going, starting today.

And thank you for sharing your story. Occasional sacrifice is kind of what I expected from a partnership, I think because it’s what I saw my parents do and is something I’m willing to do for my partners dreams. But I have often been told my downfall is expecting others to do what I would do, and then getting pissed off if they don’t! So I didn’t know if I was asking too much! I will speak with my partner tonight. Thank you again, all sound advice & you’ve really helped me already

Of course you need to be left completely alone when writing, how on earth can you do it otherwise?

Two or three evenings a week is ok, normal for all sorts of hobbies; gym-going, sport etc. Could you make it regular evenings do you both know what to expect and can plan couple activity for other evenings? There’s space for him to have a couple of evenings for his own hobbies too.

You’re doing incredibly well, a FT degree and PT job is already 1.5x fully occupied, plus child and partner. But you have the sort of energy needed for all this now - you won’t have that forever. Use it while you can.

You also have a young child who goes to bed early enough to give you an evening. That won’t last forever.

You need to talk to him and spell out the need for total lack of interruption when writing. Talk through the weekly schedule and agree a plan.

He likes the idea of you writing but not the reality. He sounds like a bit of a dreamer and very needy. A bit immature. Is he the type who needs constant company, activity and entertainment? Struggles to focus and complete tasks himself? He needs to recognise that you are different from him.

Maybe he needs a hobby too. Something compatible with family life. Is there anything he could do in the evenings from home? The risk is that he takes up an outside hobby and suddenly you can’t write because football or whatever takes priority at fixed times every week and all day Saturday and you become default parent.

Thank you for this! It is a lot to take on at once but I really feel capable of it, and like I’m handling it all well while still being 100% present when I’m with DD&DP. 1.5 years of doing nothing other than mum stuff (which is the biggest something, and I love being a mum), but my depression was terrible during this time. I moved 7 hours away from all of my family and friends so my partner and I could live together, so really when I say I had nothing outside of my child and my relationship, I mean I didn’t do ANYTHING. But gosh, I started studying and writing and it was like the heaviest fog instantly lifted. I physically felt it. So I do think I need it, as much as I want it.

He has ADHD, so does really struggle with his focus. And I think he is very energetic, and so he probably just gets bored or restless easily when alone. He likes to read and play chess, but does this so rarely. But I do agree a schedule is a good idea, and so he knows when I’m doing it every week and I don’t change it. And if I want an extra writing night outside of the schedule, I will just do it once he’s in bed so I’m not going back on my promises to him maybe

Thank you for this thread, OP. I'm in a similar position - trying to write again because I've realised that it gives me a particular joy and fulfilment nothing else does. I've really appreciated the posts of other writers - professional and otherwise - on here, and I'm going to bookmark them to return to when I need a pep talk.

I've started, only very recently, doing a similar thing to you. Put kids to bed, have dinner with DH with proper conversation about our days, and then I say, I'm going off to write, and I do it for 90 minutes or so before bed. DH is fine with this. He has home hobbies he can do as well. I don't think you're being unreasonable - you're not leaving him to parent for entire Saturdays, or going off on week long retreats every month.

Good luck with your writing!

Honestly I’m so glad I posted. I was having a massive wobble but have a little bit of that excitement back after all of the great advice and pep talks to take it seriously.

It sounds like you have the perfect set up!! And good luck with your writing - so nice to speak with others on a similar journey/at a similar stage!!

DH wrote a book in DS' first year of life. Mostly at 4am as DS was a terrible sleeper and DH couldn't go back to sleep after 4am. But also evenings a lot, after bedtime. I admit I found it lonely, after a tough day, to have no one to talk to but also stuck in the house because of baby/sleep deprivation. But I left him to it, he needed to do it.

I remain very puzzled as to how and English with Creative Writing degree leads to a good career. It's very fulfilling on a personal level. And one might go on to do all sorts of things - eg a PGCE or some other form of graduate training. (Typical arts graduate jobs in cultural sector are not well paid or secure.)

I would also say there is a huge mismatch between your wish - perfectly legitimate - to have time and space alone to do something that's important to you, and your choice of partner. It would be relatively easy with somebody who was unselfish, and understanding of your need to pursue an interest, because they had interests of their own. It'd then just be a matter of cutting whatever deal seemed fair and workable.

But a person with a poor attention span, who does not like time on their own and keeps making demands on you, sounds - to be blunt - like another child. Someone like that is, perhaps, incapable of understanding the level of concentration required to pursue artistic/creative activity seriously.

It seems to me that however much you care for him, there is a mismatch. To the extent that it is possible you may end up having to make a choice between your literary ambitions and the marriage.

It's really sad - but there are men who can't - or won't 'get it'

I get both angles. From your perspective, this is something you’ve wanted to do for some time and it’s not going to be forever. From his, he doesn’t want to spend his evenings alone and wants to talk to you. Neither of you are necessarily wrong. Perhaps just have one or two evenings a week where you say these are my evenings to go and write and the rest are to spend as a couple.

I don’t disagree, but the OP’s husband doesn’t have to ‘get it’. He just has to stop interrupting her, and a locked door, earplugs and a clear communication that between whatever time and whatever time x number of nights a week, I am unavailable unless the house is burning down, will do that.

Yes it is personally fulfilling, but you have just named a good career which can only be achieved through a degree. To go on to do a PGCE with QTS to be a secondary school English literature teacher. Publishing, academic librarian, not much money to begin with but grows as you progress and work hard. I’m not going to get access to any of those jobs unless I do a degree, especially with the current job market, why on earth would anyone employ me over someone with a degree? How will I get experience if all internships in this field require a bachelors? Sure, it doesn’t have to be English. Really, it can be anything. But the entry point IS a degree. So why not make it something I’m really passionate about?

I appreciate the rest of your advice though, thank you.