AIBU for wanting my partner to leave me completely alone so I can do my hobby?

[CheekyTealFawn]

Partner and I have a 3 year old girl. He works full time, I work part time and study full time for my degree.

My far-fetched, life long dream/goal is to be a published author. Has been since I was a child. Around the time my daughter turned 18 months, I got that creative spark back. I had (or at least I think so) an idea for a great story and I had the fire and drive to write it.

With having such a full schedule already, I had to squeeze writing and reading wherever I could fit it. Early mornings before everyone was up, sometimes in the evening once DD goes to bed. I would still cook, and we’d have dinner together, and then I’d go write. I wouldn’t do it every evening, but sometimes I’d be bubbling up all day with ideas and I couldn’t wait to sit down to write them out.

My partner would get upset when I did do it in the evenings. Never said I couldn’t do it, but he’d keep talking about how he was disappointed we weren’t spending the evening together and I’d feel guilty and then lose that fire I’d been building up, so I wouldn’t write. Then, if I did end up writing, he’d constantly come in to chat or to ask where something is (for example) or ask me to stop my work to give him a kiss or a hug . I’ve said countless times, if you see me writing it takes me so long to get into it so unless it’s an emergency please just give me this time to myself. It would still happen every time though, multiple times a session.

I ended up getting so sick over the 7/8 months I tried, I’ve lost “it” again. I think because I know getting that writing time alone is a battle I’ve just lost the energy to keep fighting for it.

So I haven’t written in months, and now every day he is asking why I’m not writing, when I’m going to start writing again etc because it’s my dream. Which is also frustrating me.

I don’t know how to handle this. It’s a hobby at the moment, not a career for a start. And I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting two or three nights a week to do it when we don’t see each other all day. Finally, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable needing to be left completely alone while I do it.

This could be a good compromise actually. If I did write in the evenings, I clock off at a certain time early enough to start and end the evening together. Makes sense

and yes Saturdays and Sundays are sacred for us. I never write those nights, unless he goes out!

That’s what’s keeping me going when self doubt creeps in, why couldn’t it be me? I know I have to work hard for it but writing is as much a skill to develop as it is something you’re born with! Can I ask how you found your group? I’d love something like that!

I work 8 hours a week (down from 16 once I started studying), study 20-30 hours a week. Toddler goes to nursery twice a week and my boyfriends mums once a week, and then I study. I’m self employed so when it’s quiet at uni, I work more. When it’s busy at uni, I work less. Always works out to about 30 hours. So I’m with my toddler every morning and evening, and 4 full days a week. 3 she has childcare

problem with this is, this is going to be my life now. I’m never going to have more or less time than this. Once my 3 year old starts school next year, I’ll be on my last year of a degree. Then after that, I’ll get a full time job. Writing is always going to be something I have to squeeze into my life, or never do

I can honestly see both sides of this because I love the idea of writing and think it’s great that you are, but my DP started up his own business several years ago and spends many evenings on it. It’s not making enough for him to quit his day job and takes up evenings/weekends and has a huge impact on our relationship. I love when he takes a step back and actually spends time with me in the evenings, but I also know he loves his business (which has turned a profit but not enough to be much more than a hobby job atm). We dedicated a set night a week as date night and that helped, so maybe do that.

I do word count but spread out over a week - because some days I write 100 words, some I can write 1000 in 2 hours! Totally depends on if I can get into that flow state or not 🤣 I do think if I had to negotiate, the one thing I couldn’t let go of is my early mornings. Problem is, I don’t know if DD hears my alarm or something but she always gets up much earlier that day too 😅

This is hard, but I think as you have a young child and only work part time you should do your writing during the day when not working. Is your studying a definitive means to a better paid job or more of a luxury pastime with no fixed outcome that you could give up?

If a man was off playing football or cycling three nights a week until bedtime we’d unanimously say this was unfair. We’d say this was even more unfair if said man was only working part time while we worked full time and also spending time studying for enjoyment.

Yeah exactly, I can see both sides too! Because I do love him but also I am someone who has always loved being creative and having my space to do it. But then he just wants to spend time with me all the time, which when you get down to it, is a nice thing, which is why I’m struggling with the guilt of it.

He sounds quite needy and annoying. Maybe he’s jealous you have something you love that you’re good at.
In our house (no kids at home), we eat tea,
watch a bit of tv together then I go to bed to read while he stays up to game or watch something he’d like to watch that I wouldn’t.
OP is there a compromise to be had where you’re in the same room with you writing and him keeping quiet while doing something else eg reading, watching something with headphones on.
I’d hate the coming in asking for a kiss or hug. I’d be very annoyed.

I’m studying because I started my degree but then became pregnant and had to stop my degree. It’s really the only means to a job in the industry I want to work in as someone with 0 contacts or friends in high places 😅 I would not be putting myself in debt and stressing myself out if I didn’t think it would lead me to a higher paying job

I would love this so much! I say to him it’s not that you can’t come near me, but instead of asking for a kiss, just give me one on the head. Sit next to me and read while I write, so we can be together but separately

I also can never understand this mindset, about it being unfair to study while my partner works full time. I want a high paying job, I don’t want to rely on my partner financially for everything. I want to be able to contribute to the house as much as he does, and I want my daughter to see that and know that having a child and a partner doesn’t mean sacrificing everything in your own life

Exactly! For us, and I’m a huge reader, I’ll read and he’ll have maybe footie on or do gaming or whatever. I don’t walk round in front of the tv and he doesn’t speak at me while I’m reading.
We’re both in the same room so not like we’re always separate but we still both get to do our thing.

I can see where he’s coming from tbh. Doing a degree on to of work and the usual responsibilities of running a house and caring for a toddler is going to take a huge amount of your time and energy. It’s not too much for a partner to expect to see you in the evenings sometimes.

which I agree with! But what about every evening, is that too much?

My husband has a hobby he does in the evenings after the kids are in bed and to be honest I don’t mind as I then get to watch something or scroll on my phone, what does annoy me is if he sneaks off to do it when I’m left with the kids or after dinner when I’m tidying, kids are feral and I need him to stop his hobby to help me get them upstairs. After some months of my growing frustration we had a chat and we agreed what evenings he could do it and works well. He will stay up later than me in the evening to continue which is fine. I’m not needy and actually adore having space to do what I want for an hour or too. Sometimes I sit in same room as him and read or scroll or watch something with headphones one, so we are still together but doing different things!I think just have a frank conversation and try and plan it in. Also I’m not a writer but could you use a speech to text app on your phone for times where you have shorter time to yourself to at least get some ideas down!

If I’mreading this correctly, the OP’s DP sees her 4 nights a week.

How about negotiating a time limit? Please give me 3 months 3 days a week type thing. Then you can pursue your dream but there's an end date in sight.

Yes correct. 7 nights I cook and we have dinner together, then 2-3 nights I go and do my writing or try to, and then the other 4 we have the whole night together. Every night I do write I clock off and we go to bed at the same time

The 3 months thing is a great idea. Thank you

The hobby of course.

As an English graduate and a published writer, I am left feeling a bit doubtful. Humanities degrees aren't a fast track to highly paid work. It can be quite hard to find any sort of job. It is also difficult to get published, and extraordinarily hard - though not impossible to get well paid for what you write.

I understand the wish to carve out time for writing, but it is hard to balance your dreams against a sense of how things work in the world. To find time for yourself, but also enjoy doing stuff with your partner and child

I understand that. I’m not expecting anything to be fast track, I’m also not silly enough to believe I’ll write a book and become a full time author when most authors still keep their full time jobs! I’m being very realistic about the chances of it, doesn’t mean I can’t strive for it. If you’re a published writer, you will have been dreaming of it at some point, no? And I also understand the job market is tough, but the industry I want to work in won’t even accept people without degrees, and it’s higher pay than most other starting jobs

You have your hobby which Is lovely but are you giving him time for his hobbies or time as a couple

When your a parent and a partner you have to weigh up alot of things. You come as a unit and I'm sure if this post was the other way around and you were moaning he spent alot of time doing his hobby the response would be very different

Of course. I wish he had more hobbies, and I would love it if he did. I think it’s healthy to want alone time and to have your own things, and I would champion it if he came to me and said “hey, there’s this thing that I really love and I’d like to spend a few evenings doing it”. It’s more about figuring out how to find the balance between wanting my own time sometimes but never actually getting it and doing what he wants which is spending all evening every single evening together