AIBU for wanting my partner to leave me completely alone so I can do my hobby?

[CheekyTealFawn]

Partner and I have a 3 year old girl. He works full time, I work part time and study full time for my degree.

My far-fetched, life long dream/goal is to be a published author. Has been since I was a child. Around the time my daughter turned 18 months, I got that creative spark back. I had (or at least I think so) an idea for a great story and I had the fire and drive to write it.

With having such a full schedule already, I had to squeeze writing and reading wherever I could fit it. Early mornings before everyone was up, sometimes in the evening once DD goes to bed. I would still cook, and we’d have dinner together, and then I’d go write. I wouldn’t do it every evening, but sometimes I’d be bubbling up all day with ideas and I couldn’t wait to sit down to write them out.

My partner would get upset when I did do it in the evenings. Never said I couldn’t do it, but he’d keep talking about how he was disappointed we weren’t spending the evening together and I’d feel guilty and then lose that fire I’d been building up, so I wouldn’t write. Then, if I did end up writing, he’d constantly come in to chat or to ask where something is (for example) or ask me to stop my work to give him a kiss or a hug . I’ve said countless times, if you see me writing it takes me so long to get into it so unless it’s an emergency please just give me this time to myself. It would still happen every time though, multiple times a session.

I ended up getting so sick over the 7/8 months I tried, I’ve lost “it” again. I think because I know getting that writing time alone is a battle I’ve just lost the energy to keep fighting for it.

So I haven’t written in months, and now every day he is asking why I’m not writing, when I’m going to start writing again etc because it’s my dream. Which is also frustrating me.

I don’t know how to handle this. It’s a hobby at the moment, not a career for a start. And I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable wanting two or three nights a week to do it when we don’t see each other all day. Finally, I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable needing to be left completely alone while I do it.

He's trying to sabotage you because he feels threatened, and you need to make sure he doesn't (I know that's hard). Also it's a perfectly reasonable dream to have! Why wouldn't you get published if you keep going? Someone has to. Put yourself first - your art is important. Say to him, I can't be disturbed, then lock the door (or put a wedge to stop it opening if there's no lock), and put earplugs in. Part of this is you're feeling guilty because he's making you. I'm not blaming you at all, but that bit you can change. Work on your sense of yourself as doing something important you have a right to prioritise. There are writing groups and networks you can join too that you might find encouraging, I was never all that interested but I've ended up being mentored and developed by one and honestly it's brilliant, you might find that useful at some point?

YANBU. I read that as emotional abuse TBH, that he is was against it but is now having a go that you aren't doing it. Lock the door and do your writing, he's an adult he can entertain himself.

It’s not three whole evenings though. It’s after dinner and the child’s in bed.

YANBU at all OP. What’s unreasonable is your husband continuously sabotaging your efforts.

No one needs to spend more than four evenings a week continuously in their partner’s company.

You said you work PT and study FT and then the writing is on top of that.

How many hours a week are you working and studying? How much time are you actually spending with your DH and child? Because it doesn’t sound like there could possibly be any time left in your day?

Working part time, studying for a degree, running a home and looking after a 3 year old is already quite a lot. I don't think you have the time at the moment for your hobby. Is your DD starting school September next year? When does your degree finish? I think one of these responsibilities needs to be met in order to free up time.

Free up time for what?

When I was a postgrad doing my doctorate one of my colleagues had this. problem She said that her partner was constantly hanging around in a needy way and interrupting while she was trying to study. In her case it was not a "hobby" but a serious qualification she had undertaken with his initial support. Then iit must have occurred to him that his wife would be better qualified than he was. Oh dear. It was apparently perfectly ok for him to go out drinking with the lads and other best mate activities. However his partner was required to be there on tap whenever he fancied a quickie or a cuddle.

Eventually they broke up.

I don't have the answer OP but at the very least, when he asks you why you are not writing he deserves the truth 'because every time I try you keep interrupting me and making it impossible. I am not able to write because you won't let me'

You don't sound unreasonable to me, what do your evenings together look like?

I think you need to have a serious chat and maybe set out a timetable that covers you both having time for your separate interests and time together.

Don't know why everyone is suggesting "just get up earlier". Surely then you'll just need to go to bed earlier so you'll still lose the time together!

I’m so sorry for you OP.

I’m like you. I take ages to get “into” focussing on something, and then when I’m into it, if someone interrupts and pulls you out of focus again it’s like physical pain. Then you spend ages getting back into it.

I agree with poster above. I’m a big advocate of people writing. But with your course, preschooler etc you are busy. All of which you chose. When she starts school can you reserve more time to write?

You're not being unreasonable at all in wanting uninterrupted time to yourself. Me and my DH each do separate things for a couple of hours once the kids are in bed. We have different hobbies and our own friends to see. Then later in the evening we'll watch an episode of the series we're currently watching together before going to bed. Friday and Saturday evenings we spend fully together - dinner after the kids are in bed, wine, maybe a movie. For us, it works as a balance of couple time and solo time. Could a similar schedule work for you OP?

As someone with an almost 3yo whose hobby is writing, I can very much sympathise! I had to bash my husband around the head with the fact that whilst he had been to fewer football matches, I had had almost NO focus time to write in the previous two years.

(We both did have other free time to ourselves, but had to fit in socialising/exercise etc into that.)

Can you make it a bit more like an appointment? Let's say you do one fixed session a week, one that's a bit more flexible, and take ad hoc holiday/breaks to support it too?

We used holiday to support hobbies, and also flex with work (I WFH and am allowed to flex hours into the evening, so I sometimes write between 8-10 at home).

I think wait until you’ve finished your degree.

Does he have a hobby? Sounds like you need to encourage him to go to a gym so you can have the time to yourself. Of course you should be able to sit undisturbed without a needy partner sabotaging you

I suppose somebody has to be around for the 3 year old.

As a fellow writer (small 'w') I've had to carve out time too.

I go to bed 'early' and take my laptop for a quick 30minute session. I take myself out to a coffee shop for an hour, I get up early, etc.

I would find a variety of ways to write and then book one in a week.

Meet a friend for coffee and write together (in silence). Join a writing group for a session once a month. Take your lap top to bed one night a week and get up early once a week.

In between writing sessions find ways to make your precious writing time as efficient as possible.

I have a note file on my phone where I jot ideas. I write outlines so I have a clear direction when I do write. I day-dream scenes on my commute so I can write them later.

I have a friend who uses a dictaphone and speaks her scenes while she cycles.
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Presumably your oh leaves you alone when you are studying? So does he only interrupt you when you are writing? Is it deliberate sabotage?
It sounds like it's worked...

I remember being exactly the same when writing my first manuscript. It was all-consuming and I wanted to spend every spare minute on it. So I do get your perspective.

I also see his perspective. Evenings are precious.

I think a good compromise is doing your writing early morning and maybe one evening a week. You could get up a bit earlier if you want more writing time.

By the way, I did get published. Not with that first MS, but with the second and third. There is hope.

Three evenings after dinner is hardly “half the week”!

Why can't they do their own thing on the same nights? What is she meant to do when he is doing his own thing? Sit on the sofa and twiddle her thumbs?

If you want to write a book OP you're going to need quiet and isolation to concentrate. The hobby is antisocial by nature. It's a good sign that DH is asking you why you're not writing. You might need to ram the message home more while trying to arrange things together: "I want to watch this programme with you, but I need a full hour right now of solid writing with no interruptions." Or create a schedule you can both agree on that gives you regular writing times.

My writing doesn’t interfere with our 3 year old whatsoever. I work part time from home, study from home, write when she’s asleep, all of which is done from home. He can go out whenever he likes

That’s amazing!! Congratulations!! I do see it as something that is my far fetched dream but if I work really hard then why couldn’t I do it? I think honestly I might just stick to mornings each day and then the 1 day a week he goes out!

I understand that asking for peoples views here might help put things in perspective but ultimately there are no 'rules' about how much time you are allowed to spend on your hobby when you have a partner and a young child. Even if everyone here said you YANBU, does that help? Will it stop your marriage breaking down if your partner disagrees?

You need to find a solution which is acceptable for both of you, which probably means compromise.

I love the idea of a writing group. I need to look into one. Particularly as I don’t get out the house much! So studying never interferes with our life. I study English literature, so the only thing that kind of bleeds into our life from the course is reading the books. Which suits me as you need to read to write!

That’s true actually. It’s more just that I don’t really know what the norm is. I don’t have anyone in my life interested in writing, or really anyone with a real hobby that they still do in adulthood except things like running/gym and I’m not sure how these things are balanced with a relationship to be honest