AIBU to think my daughter cannot afford this holiday abroad?

[ThisTealLeader]

Daughter (18) has booked a holiday with friends abroad, didn’t tell us the full amount and then lied about how much spending money she has. They are going bed and breakfast. She will have less than £200 spending money for a week’s holiday. She has used savings to pay for the holiday.
She is saying that her friend will be lending her money if she falls short, which she will I am sure.
My point is she is not being sensible with her money. She only works one day a week and so she cannot actually afford it and hasn’t thought it through.
I think she needs to cancel as it is irresponsible in my opinion to be going abroad with no backup. As far as I am aware she hasn’t booked travel insurance and is reluctant to do so as this will eat into her spending money.
Would like people’s thoughts on this?

Yes. But the post I was replying to (&quoted) said you can't allow her to borrow money from a friend. I was pointing out that she's 18, you can't not allow it

Be kind she’s your daughter.

Its called the stupidity of youth, but we have all done it.

I wouldn't let her get off the hook too easily but I would probably loan her some money with a payment plan on return, with a stipulation insurance must be purchased and tell her you will not do this again.

My concern is that on roughly £30 a day she is going to be very stretched and may but her self in difficult situations.

You can't stop her, obviously. If you're genuinely concerned then pay for her insurance, and help her find ways to earn more spending money.

She's 18, it's a terrific age to travel abroad with friends.

Oh she’s 18, let her have some fun. Give her some spending money

So help her then! She may be 18 but you’re still her Mum! Were any of us truly responsible at 18?! I’m mid-late 40’s now and still remember my two girls’ holidays when I was 17 and 28 with fondness. My younger sister had her children young and has never been on a girls’ holiday and regrets it (not having her children obviously!) just sit down with her and give her some life lessons for goodness sake! Do not let her go away without travel insurance, I worked in travel insurance for 3 years, it is the one thing I would absolutely pay for for her but explain what it is and why it’s so important.

She’s still in education why on earth would she be paying you rent it’s not like she’s got a full time job?! Let her go and get drunk and have fun and make bad decisions she’s 18 not 38

What a nightmare OP. I think she will go whatever you say so please organise the insurance, and pay it directly , don't give her the money. Her friends sound sensible and kind so it could be worse. She will probably run up debts with her friends and not pay them back, and the friends will eventually get angry, but don't intervene with that by paying them off because it's a reality check for DD.
I have a SDD who is similar in some ways , it's very worrying and upsetting.

My parents stopped me at 18 going on holiday with friends and made me work. Im still very sad about it 40 years later. Give her happiness for very little money.

I just gave my dd birthday money for 18th to go round Greek islands. Ouch but so worth it. Let her go and have fun. She can owe you later.

I feel for you OP, this sounds very tough for you. However - I think you should let her go. Get her the insurance, don't lend her extra money. I went to a Greek island with friends at 15 and although I made some bad judgement calls everything was ok. She may need to experience things going pear-shaped a little to learn a lesson about life. Yes, she is vulnerable, but she is with her friends. Maybe speak to some of them and ask them to keep an eye on her.

As I can't figure out a more sensitive way to phrase this I'll just be blunt: if she genuinely has BPD she may have experienced sexual abuse as a child. You should unfortunately consider this as a possibility.

And if she has BPD she may also benefit from dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) - an old friend of mine with BPD (induced by sexual trauma at age 3) did this, she was an absolute mess before it, addicted to benzos, engaging in very risky behaviour - she's now married to a lovely man with 2 kids and a part-time job. Therapy can be incredible.

If you want to help her you need to be someone she trusts, and you need to get to the root of her behaviour if you want to fix it. At this point it seems she is going to go anyway so prohibiting it will make you the bad guy rather than someone she will listen to.

My heart goes out to you. This is a very difficult position to be in and you are doing your best.

For all her vulnerability, she’s actually being entitled and manipulative.

I appreciate it is very difficult and that there is a bedrock of “can’t understand” beneath the layer of “won’t understand.”

What would make me very cross indeed is her hand-wavy oh everyone else will give their time, energy and money getting me out of scrapes, whilst she has no concept or intention of ever being the one other people could rely on. She has to be hand-held at every point. She will spend the 200 within the first day and a half… and she has absolutely no intention of paying her friends back at all, has she? I would worry this will be the end of the friendship group and that they will tell her to bugger off.

Ive just paid £10 for my latest travel insurance and I have multiple chronic health issues.
If this was my daughter I would pay for her insurance,for my peace of mind, and let the limited spends be a life lesson (after falling soft and giving her some of her Xmas budget early)

I think owning and running a car requires the same if not much more sense and responsibility than going on holiday.

Sorry op but you sound like you don't like her very much...

Although this post did trigger a memory of my youth, my brother booked a holiday with a group of lads he couldn't afford and didn't get a job to save for spends . I worked that whole summer and had to give my brother my wage on the insistence of my very narcissistic mother to pay for that holiday. It's an injustice I've never fogotten. So in a way I feel your frustration because she's expecting others to mop up her choices and has consistently not made good choices?
However if this was my DD I'd be paying for insurance and giving her some money assuming she at 18 is still the great kid she is now. Maybe your dd lies to you because she knows reactions. It may also be good for her to be an adult for a week.
It maybe needs some deep reflection from yourself .
Seems like

Give her the spending money!

...well after reading all drip fed updates I see and understand your attitude. I'd be embarrassed by her borrowing money from friends .
I'd still give her money to avoid that and say this was the last time we'd bail her out with that.
The laughing in your face and relaying to friends is so disrespectful and be absolutely raging.
Sorry op I think you may have to let her make some mistakes to find out about the real world.

Having read your updates I can see why you are worried. In theory an 18 year old could probably get by for cheap holiday woth £200, if all they need is lunch dinner and drinks. I used to just buy a big bag of crisps to snack on in the day, a cheap evening meal and a bottle of wine on my cheap holidays when younger. But it sounds like there are lots of other issues and the money isn't really the concern at all.

I would buy her travel insurance. Leave her to it but no longer pay for driving g lessons or buy a car until she saves for the insurance money again. That can be her consequence. Have the other friends paid for their own holidays or are their parents paying for it all? They may be quite generous if it's on the bank of Mum and Dad.

My only non negotiable would be insurance. If you are able to can you lend her the insurance money and she pays you back later?

I wouldn’t stop her from going though, make sure she knows to stick with her friends, not to accept drinks, not to return to an unattended drink etc and the rest is a learning experience for her.

Is she planning on uni OP?
I have read your updates and obviously you are a good mum and of course you will worry.
I think if dont let her go your relationship will be a mess. She's with friends and its not like shes travelling for months.

Just buy her insurance for her. It’s you that will be scrambling to pay medical bills if something goes wrong.

Otherwise let her work it out herself - it’s a lesson in money management.

In my experience youngsters like to live for the hour. No thought of cutting back.

It won't be enough no but it may help her learn the value of things.

My ds is 21 wastes his money all the time. Takeaways when out with friends at their homes. £50 a night if they all have a bit of weed plus booze.

He pays me his monthly 'rent but in 5 days in Poland last week he went through £800 !! His friend too. They hired a car for some of it.

He does work hard though and they do need some fun.He is only having one foreign holiday this year he says.

It will be a learning experience for yr daughter I am sure.

Ds only had to pay £15 travel insurance for him and his friend each. Pennies really.

Ds still has savings but money disappears fast these days.

This doesn't teach her anything. It's not just a soft touch, it's poor parenting. She's an adult. If she had shared her plan with her parents and asked to borrow money or offered to work for it then thats different. But she cannot expect her parents to just hand cash over, this is her own problem to solve.

I’d buy the insurance and probably give her some extra money. More importantly make sure she knows she can contact you if there’s any problems. Although you are worried about her and whether she is mature enough to go, you can’t really stop her and I think alienating her before she goes would be worse as you need to know she will contact you if she’s in trouble. Do you know the friends? If so speak
to them or their parents if you know them. Maybe this will be the making of her.