AIBU to think my daughter cannot afford this holiday abroad?

[ThisTealLeader]

Daughter (18) has booked a holiday with friends abroad, didn’t tell us the full amount and then lied about how much spending money she has. They are going bed and breakfast. She will have less than £200 spending money for a week’s holiday. She has used savings to pay for the holiday.
She is saying that her friend will be lending her money if she falls short, which she will I am sure.
My point is she is not being sensible with her money. She only works one day a week and so she cannot actually afford it and hasn’t thought it through.
I think she needs to cancel as it is irresponsible in my opinion to be going abroad with no backup. As far as I am aware she hasn’t booked travel insurance and is reluctant to do so as this will eat into her spending money.
Would like people’s thoughts on this?

OP is being generous, she bought stuff for the holiday, is sending her money and paid for the travel insurance.

Adults are not responsible for funding other adults holidays, you want something, you earn it

You may be lucky but many spoilt kids just cannot comprehend and own their own input into life choices and its a massive disadvantage to them. We infantilise young people in this country

Earlier in the thread a view was given that the poor thing can only work one day a week as she is at college. We all know what college courses are like, they're not 'full time', theres plenty of scope for working evenings, weekends, college holiday breaks. She appears to opt out of various things. She may need extra support but treating her like this means she is being disabled more than she needs to be. The adults around her are responsble for enabling and empowering her not the other way round.

Well she can’t do that every day /night

if she has a few days round the pool so be it

Ok so she'll find herself left out. Thats the price of not being able to afford things, like another poster said, she simply cant afford luxury things or trips or activities while there, but she can do cheap stuff. Its still a holiday.

Good job OP does have the money to do this, another parent might not be able to.

I really disagree with your posts. As a parent of a ND teen, if op’s dd is left out, she may decide to do her own thing and get into all sorts of problems.

My dd told me as I dropped her at the airport that if her friends didn’t want to go out this evening at 11pm, she’d just go out clubbing alone. I obviously talked her through why this was a bad idea. And was already intending to say something along those lines, but she pre-empted me.

Op’s dd doesn’t yet know how to take care of herself properly by the sound of it. My dd is likewise learning. And going out alone is exactly the sort of thing that happens when ND teens don’t think through the consequences.

I am absolutely going to ensure my dd doesn’t run out of money and to have enough so that she can do what her friends are doing.i have given her an allowance and will lend her more if needed..She also has dh’s credit card loaded on her phone in case.

What's so terrible about going out alone?

If you read OP’s posts she explains the dd is emotionally immature, puts herself in vulnerable positions around boys, can’t be left at home alone overnight etc.
It’s common sense to stay with your friends and not wander off alone. I wouldn’t have wanted my dd wandering the strip of Zante or whatever it’s called alone on her first holiday abroad post A levels. And mine doesn’t have the extra vulnerability this dd does.

Wow And 2 of mine have wandered round south East Asia alone after school/ college.

So it depends on the person does it not.

And anyway it wasn't the OP I replied to

Why wow? It isn’t some kind of failing that vulnerable, ND kids aren’t able to do stuff like that safely.

Rule of thumb for ND is you take 30% off the age. So a just turned 18 yo may be working at the maturity level of 12 years 7 months.

Would you have let your 12.5 year old wander around south East Asia alone?

And parents of ND kids have to contend with the fact that their 18 year olds have been pumped with information that they’re adults now. And have autonomy to do stuff like that if they choose.

So it’s not so much wow. It’s oh shit.

You had a 16 year ol daughter travel alone around se asia?

I just wanted to say that I think you've handled this all really well, once you got over the initial knee jerk reactions I think we might all have had in your shoes. You've scaffolded your DD on this trip as much as you could, while she still has space to have fun, learn some valuable lessons (hopefully) and keep safe with her mates (again, hopefully!).

I'm sure you will be able to have some good chats once she's home about how to make this all work better in future, including her savings up a reasonable amount first!

She was 18 . And why not ? I " let" my son do the same at 19. 0h and legally they were adults so how could I have stopped them? Or why would I want to restrict them like it

Outside of you ittle bubble there are hundreds of kids travelling around the world you know

It's been a painful lesson, this. £200 was always going to be woefully inadequate for a teenager on a week's holiday at a resort. Realistically, you'd need between £800 to £1000 for a week these days.

OP, do you think that your DD will come back having learned a valuable lesson about just how expensive life is, particularly when you're on holiday and how much better things go if you forward plan?

Or will she come back with the 'yeah, it was great, we're going again at Easter!' "someone will save me" mindset?

Exactly.

My 18 year old DC hasn’t any of the issues that @ThisTealLeader ‘s DD has and is currently on a month long camping adventure around France.
He can be a bit head in the clouds but has still budgeted and been appreciative of any help I’ve given him.
Him and his mates are roughing it and know to cut their cloth.

Funnily enough, the less he asks for the more I want to give him!

When you have a kid with like OP’s it’s a totally different ball game. Her MH/personality disorder is the overarching factor in risk management and behaviour. Plus that can be combined with typical teenage selfishness.

If it’s any help to hear @ThisTealLeader my adult DD was really unwell with her MH and is ND. She took part in risky behaviour and we had a shit few years that felt like we were all in a black hole.
She’s now out of her teens and is one of the most responsible humans I know! Saved for a car, successful in the arts, immensely caring and empathetic and bloody marvellous.

She sometimes looks back and says sorry for the twattish things she and appreciates us giving her boundaries whilst pushing her to function and have fun. Tbh, we felt like we were just flailing around and trying to survive in the midst of it.

Your daughter is only working 1 day per week, whilst at college. I went to college and worked after college, at weekends and during the holidays. Your daughter needs to be earning more money, so she needs to increase her hours. If you're subsidising her, then you need to pull back...stop giving her money/buying her things. Yes, she's ND but if she can work 1 day, then she can work more!

Personally, I'd be asking for half of the money you've given her back. It wasn't a gift, it was a loan, and loans need repaying. She also needs to repay her friends back too. If she's borrowing money to fund a holiday, then it's a holiday she couldn't afford, and she needs to see that borrowed money needs to be returned.

In order to pay back the money she's borrowed from you and friends, and to save for her car insurance, she needs to earn more money, otherwise it's going to take her a very long time!!!

She's either going to come back with a little more understanding or she'll have learnt absolutely nothing, other than she can do as she wishes without consequence and others will bail her out.

Thank you. I really needed to read that your dd came out the other end. I think mine will be like this one day too. We are in that black hole right now.

Thank you so much, I hope I have managed it ok.

I’m not sure, hopefully she will have learnt something but we will see.
She did message yesterday to say that she sent a message to the pub down the road from us who are looking for staff and they have asked her to pop in and speak to them. So I think she is thinking about needing to earn some more money. Fingers crossed.

It’s good to hear stories like this, gives you hope for the future!

Well that's positive! I guess all her friends will probably have jobs - hopefully they are being a good influence on her - sounds like it!

@Mummyoflittledragon I'm autistic and have always been capable of travelling alone. I travelled across the UK alone at 14 to go and stay with relatives, and then at 18 went abroad with friends and again with a boyfriend.

Also the OP's daughter isn't diagnosed ND. A lot of her behaviour sounds very much like a spoiled brat who's never had to face any consequences for her behaviour...

@TheLobsterClub
I was told my dd isn’t ND when I asked a couple of people, who know a fair amount about autism. The school saw nothing. But I could see the divergence increasing between her and her peers as she went through the teen years in what she could do in relation to kids her age.

If I described my dd on here, you’d say exactly the same thing. And much more besides. And her behaviours are very anxiety driven.

AuDHD presents very differently from ASD.

That’s great she’s messaging about a job (possibly owes friends money but proactively job seeking whilst away on holiday week after she’s finished college it’s a real positive)
Shes also obviously keeping in contact with you too.

Maybe so but the daughter here isn’t diagnosed with any ND. It’s possible to be ND and be a spoilt brat, the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Alright don’t hold back! Yeah possibly a hint of that but college have suggested ADHD and we discussed with GP who agreed. DD didn’t want to pursue a referral for assessment at this time.
She has mild learning/processing needs as was given more time in exams and smaller room etc so definitely something going on with her learning ability.