AIBU to think my daughter cannot afford this holiday abroad?

[ThisTealLeader]

Daughter (18) has booked a holiday with friends abroad, didn’t tell us the full amount and then lied about how much spending money she has. They are going bed and breakfast. She will have less than £200 spending money for a week’s holiday. She has used savings to pay for the holiday.
She is saying that her friend will be lending her money if she falls short, which she will I am sure.
My point is she is not being sensible with her money. She only works one day a week and so she cannot actually afford it and hasn’t thought it through.
I think she needs to cancel as it is irresponsible in my opinion to be going abroad with no backup. As far as I am aware she hasn’t booked travel insurance and is reluctant to do so as this will eat into her spending money.
Would like people’s thoughts on this?

I don’t think that’s shocking at all. She’s 18, cut her some slack. She will have never purchased travel insurance before. Have many 18 year olds? I’ve got friends that didn’t bother with it for years.

I bet the parents of all the other girls going have sorted their travel insurance for their daughters - can’t imagine many 18 years tapping away on compare the market and comping quotes from Aviva, Direct Line and Norwich Union.

Help her a bit!

I was thinking laganas

She’s 18 - and at college 4 days a week. Op has explained this.

Thats what I think, either that or she behaves completely different with her friends.
My dd can be a bit moody and bratty at home but overall a good kid, but with her friends she's very different. All her friends parents love her shes good as gold when shes out.

She's 18, an adult, her financial decisions are hers alone, and any lessons to be learned from them are also.

You cannot helicopter parent.

I have a 19 year old and a 16 year old daughter both brought up the same i wouldn't think twice of my 16 year old going on a girls holiday she's a nice, rational, sensible calm girl. My 19 year old is mentally unwell and what comes with that is impulsiveness, risk taking, anger issues no concept of danger whatsoever, selfishness. I know my 19 year old will go for a night out with no money hook up with any random bloke to get free alcohol and drugs get in his car and go back to his place and have unprotected sex without any thoughts of consequences my 16 year old will go out with friends stay with them friends have a plan on how everyone will get home safely not take drugs drink sensibly not get in a strangers car not offer blow jobs for vodka or coke and just have a nice safe night. This is nothing to do with parenting.

It sounds as though ypu wouldn't give her the steam off your piss. Faor enough, although I don't know anyone who hasn't contributed to their teens first holiday. Money aside, have you ever given her any support? My DD had moderate LDs, she knew what travel Insurance was. Why haven't you insisted on a routine so she is part of running the household, or just her own room? Why no diagnosis when she was younger? If she had have run it passed you, you'd have said no, so she couldn't. I'd help with the holiday, via her friends. Then seeing as she's reach that stage, she's also reached the stage of helping in the house. This could be a new starting point.

At 18, you don’t book holidays months in advance, you don’t have a few hundred quid in spending money sat waiting in your bank because she’s in full time education, and because she’s only 18.

When I was 18, some friends asked me to go on holiday, because others dropped out, I went with a weeks notice. I can’t remember how I paid for it but my parents may have bunged me a hundred quid. I worked at Safeway at the time (whilst doing a levels) and they wouldn’t give me the annual leave so I left as nothing was going to stop me going to Corfu in 1999! I was so excited.

I appreciate your daughter sounds unreliable and wayward, but you seem so pissed off with her. She just wants to go away with her girl mates, so what if it’s last minute? So what if she’s only got £200? Tell her if she tidies her room, walks the dog and cooks her little brother some beans on toast, you’ll give her another £100. Tell her if she visits her granny, granny might give her £50 spending money. Say if she doesn’t put a foot wrong between now and when she goes you’ll give her another £100.

You seem annoyed that she’s acting like…well…an 18 year old.

OP, I don't think many 18 year olds will cancel a holiday with their friends because their mum doesn't think it's a good idea.

You might be right. However there is no better way of learning about budgets and the importance of work and savings than on a holiday where your money might not go as far as you hoped.

Our kids are very independent, financially speaking, and have never asked us for money but I do pay an annual travel policy for the 22 and 24 year olds now they can't be on the family policy. It is appreciated and it gives us peace of mind that they have some back up should something go wrong whilst travelling.

If my 18 year old was in this position I would buy a travel insurance policy as a gift and probably give them a bit of spending money plus the assurance they have all always had but never needed that if they got into difficulty they should ring home and we would help them out, whatever that meant. If my daughter was going with her I might chuck in a bit of extra spending money to be directed at them both if I'd heard she might have to drop out due to lack of funds.

It sounds a little like you don't want her to go and you don't think she deserves to have a great time due to not having worked or saved enough, and that is a shame. The last thing I would want is any of our kids feeling they couldn't phone home for help. That's the safest you can make them, out in the world, to know that their parents will provide support if something goes wrong.

I hope she has a wonderful holiday and you are proud of her taking those independent steps. This is what you've raised her to do all these years, isn't it?

I hope Corfu 99 was as good as you'd hoped!

Thank you, someone who can see my perspective, my son is only 12 but I can already see that he will be very different than his sister at 18. Even now he will plan things and talk it through.

We have parented them in the same way, she always wants to push us away and tries to second guess and assume what the response will be. Myself and her dad are not unreasonable people, we are just normal parents trying our best with a very challenging young person. We are not the awful mean unloving parents that some of you are making us out to be and some of the comments are just downright hurtful.

Thanks for the all the support from those that are given it and can empathise with me. I’ve been in a training course at work this morning and been holding it in, now sat in the car reading through all the comments sobbing feeling like an all round awful person and parent.

I think I need to step away from this thread for my own mental health but will be taking on board all practical solutions that have been offered and safety advice.

OP simple question… are you and your DD remotely close?

oh and another one - is there anything about your DD that you view positively?

I think spending some time thinking about the positive traits your daughter has would be a good start, because there will be many

Yes and no, we are very different people and value different things. We can be close at times but not so much at others. I am always there for her but when that support is thrown back at you it hurts.
there are positives, she is a loyal friend and has completed her course today for which we said well done! However parenting a young person with mental health and behavioural challenges does sometimes cloud your judgement and it’s hard to see the good sometimes. I hope that answers your questions.

Honestly its not you and its not your parenting

@ThisTealLeader I understand OP. It's so bloody easy for those who don't have a child with mental health issues to make snide remarks. I know only too well. My son was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when he was in his twenties. That was after years of hell on earth and trying to find (non existent) help. Most people just kept telling me to "kick him out". Who in their right mind throws their 16 year old son out, and where on earth was he supposed to go anyway! There are a lot of smarty pants people around who've never had to deal with it themselves.

This behaviour and approach to life and family that the DD has at 18 did not happen over night, that’s the reality.

Accepting that parenting likely played a part is important to next steps I think

Gimme more!! More positives. Think about it - good with animals? Empathetic of someone ill? That kind of thing!!

Of course you value different things!! She is 18

OP, you have my full sympathy.
Sorry for the typical idiot responses from posters about her being and adult at 18, despite living under your roof.🙄

It sounds horrendous.
She sounds horrendous.
No way would she be near a car in this house with such immaturity.

She sounds highly manipulative.

For your OWN peace of mind get insurance.

I would have one conversation with her that points out to be very careful of treating her friends badly as they will ditch her so quickly, and you won't blame them if they do, if she is acting like an idiot and spoiling their holiday by acting recklessly with her safety etc.

Also I would start making li a lot less comfortable at home.
She needs a dose of reality.

Of course it doesn't happen over night i assume like myself op has been dealing with this shit for years. Like i said I'm convinced my dd has bpd the best we've managed to get her to do is get antidepressants which she doesn't take consistently and on and of mental health counselling because she doesn't turn up to her appointments. Have any of your children had a serious mental illness you know an actual chemical imbalance because no amount of parenting will fix that.

I am sorry you have a child with such vulnerabilities - it must be relentlessly challenging.

The screaming and shouting and banging doors won’t go down well with her friends.

I think I would text her everything you are concerned about so it’s flagged - and maybe she will avoid some issues.

Talk to her about spiking - it’s rife for rape and theft. She needs to take care of her friends as well.

I think the £200 spends is the least of your worries. I can’t think of anything else to say but ‘prepare for the worst and hope for the best’ - do her friends have your contact details in case of issues?

Does she drink / do drugs?

All you can do at this stage is highlight the risks and wish her well. It’s a right of passage and make by ahe will learn some life lessons (sharing accommodation with friends) or have some insight on her own behaviours and needs.

I am sure there will be a few scrapes but if her friends are solid - then maybe this is just what she needs to get a change of scenery after being in an abusive relationship.

It will be the longest week and I wish you peace and strength to get through it.

Have you ever raised a child with mental illness? I have. I'm still caring for him, even though he's nearly 50. So as you seem to be something of an expert, perhaps you'd very kindly share your wisdom with me, the OP and @youalright

Buy her holiday Insurance for her (will save you money in the long run if she gets into troubles). Let her be 18 and enjoy her holiday. She has been working and isn’t your average lazy teenage adult. Any consequences of the expense, if she really cannot afford it, she as an adult can deal with upon her return. Might be a steep learning curve but a learning curve nonetheless

Not everything not even close - that the op outlines is mental health related. A lot yes. All, no.

or are you saying everything in this situation can be explained by mental health alone?

All I am saying is that accepting one isn’t perfect and may have played a part, no matter how small, is a healthy first step.

And I’m separate to hear more positives from the op re her daughter because there will be loads!