AIBU to think my daughter cannot afford this holiday abroad?

[ThisTealLeader]

Daughter (18) has booked a holiday with friends abroad, didn’t tell us the full amount and then lied about how much spending money she has. They are going bed and breakfast. She will have less than £200 spending money for a week’s holiday. She has used savings to pay for the holiday.
She is saying that her friend will be lending her money if she falls short, which she will I am sure.
My point is she is not being sensible with her money. She only works one day a week and so she cannot actually afford it and hasn’t thought it through.
I think she needs to cancel as it is irresponsible in my opinion to be going abroad with no backup. As far as I am aware she hasn’t booked travel insurance and is reluctant to do so as this will eat into her spending money.
Would like people’s thoughts on this?

I would definitely pay for the travel insurance because if anything happens and she ends up in hospital that will end up costing an arm and a leg.
I wouldn't give her any spending money because she'll just piss it up the wall.
You can't stop her going because she's an adult.
She obviously has a lot of issues which will need to be worked on over time.

My first thought was, I definitely could've made £200 work when I was 18, by subsisting primarily off of bread, cheese and voddie from the supermarket, and just enjoying the beach and atmosphere with my friends.

But it sounds like your daughter is not the sort of person who would be able to do that...

You have my sympathy OP, because it must be extremely worrying for you, but at the end of the day she's legally an adult so there's not much you can do. You can't physically prevent her from going. I'd buy her travel insurance (as others have said, it's as much for your benefit as it is hers), then buy her some cereal bars and pot noodles to put in her case so she doesn't starve, and some sunscreen, and then wish her a lovely trip with a smile on your face. Anything else is going to make her shove her fingers in her ears even more, so you might as well act happy for her. There is actually a fair possibility the trip might actually be great, she might have a blast, eat crap, not be able to afford any souvenirs, but still have loads of fun with her friends. All you can do is answer the phone if she needs you.

I can understand why you are worried, I would be too. I think though as you can't stop her going then I'd pay for her insurance and possibly give her £200 -£250 for spending if you can afford it, just so you know she's not going to have to rely on her friends. Get her to pay you back.

However, I would not be buying her a car when she passes her theory test. Let her save and pay for her own driving lessons or offer to pay half the cost of them - that's what i did for my 2 - if you wanted too. A car of her own would be much further down the line for me I'm afraid.

Once she's back, sit down and have a conversation about things changing, from her attitude to her helping in the house.

The thing is, even if she is irresponsible and silly, she is an adult and can go if she wants. I totally understand why you’d be concerned though. I would worry she would borrow money off friends and never give it back which would result in losing friendships. I would explain to her that she needs to be sensible and not wander off and leave her friends- it’s not fair on them to spend their holiday worrying she’ll wander off. She needs to be considerate of the group. But ultimately, I’d do what others have said and have copies of the passport and iPhone location on. I would do the insurance with her so she knows for next time. I wouldn’t do it for her because she’ll never learn.

she might have an amazing time and be able to be responsible and sensible. Fingers crossed she does.

@ThisTealLeader , I really feel for you. Your situation reminds me of my DN, who at 17, did similar to your DD and told us last
min that she was off to Mykonos.

She had little spending money, she did have travel insurance.

It transpired that she spent the majority of her spending money at the airport on a pair of designer sunglasses. When she got to the hotel, she and friends then got on quad bikes, she lost control of hers, fractured her arm. Ended up in hospital. Insurance was void because she was underage, age limit was 18.

My sister and I (not her mum, my other sister), had to pay hospital costs and provide money for the rest of the holiday, half of which she spent in hospital.

She is an adult now, she has autism, she is high functioning, she has good jobs but is erratic, messy and still impulsive when it comes to travel. She’s off next week on another last minute holiday. There have been other incidents but none as bad as that.

Oh, once she was appealing eviction from her hotel room. She’s a nightmare.

Good luck, I say. But just keep extolling the importance of safety. Do her friends offer you some assurance. I did see that you posted her friends had some concerns also.

If she’s going anyway, I’d get her travel insurance at least.

Good shout on just paying for the travel insurance. Annoying that she hasn’t sorted it herself of course, but equally it probably won’t cost much at all and will give you peace of mind given if anything were to happen it’d ultimately fall on you to pay and cost a lot more in the long run.

As for the spending money, can you offer to lend her £200 and get her to agree to paying it back at £50 (or whatever) a month? That way you know she has a more reasonable amount on her but also aren’t just “giving” it to her. I think this is preferable to her relying on a friend whom 1) you don’t know how much money she has to lend 2) you don’t know how happy this friend actually will be to lend it 3) it may cause issues with the friend either whilst away, or upon return given that friend is presumably also 18 and won’t have an abundance of money she can afford to wait for months to be returned

Borrowing off a friend should be an absolute last resort in an emergency imo, not the pre-planned alternative to having her own money

My mum borrowed some money so I was able to go on holiday with friends at 18 as I couldn’t gathered enough. I will never forget that trip. We didn’t have enough money; didn’t travel a lot. That trip will be on my mind forever. I had the most amazing time.

Lend her the money OP. She is 18, not 25

Right so that’s what your op should be about

not bloody spending money

I strongly get the impression @ThisTealLeader isnt at all close to her daughter

I think you've got two issues. First is how she behaves at home which sounds pretty bad and something to put a stop to (hard if there's mental health issues involved though).

I think the holiday is kind of a separate issue. Whether you think £200 is enough or not, she thinks it's enough. Let her see and find out. For me on a holiday with my friends at that age £200 would have been plenty - we ate cheaply and just hung out during the day. Sure some people did more expensive activities but it's not compulsory if you don't have the cash. I can't remember my parents ever asking about how much spending money I had. I would buy travel insurance though cause that'll benefit you if she needs it.

I can understand why you're worried, particularly the part about not having travel insurance. That would concern me far more than the amount of spending money.
At 18, though, she's at the stage where she's starting to make her own financial decisions, including some that may not be the ones you'd choose. If she's legally an adult, you may not be able to stop her going, but you can be very clear about your expectations.
Personally, I'd make travel insurance non-negotiable and explain that it's there to protect her if something goes seriously wrong, not just in case she overspends. I'd also be clear that you won't be bailing her out financially if she runs out of spending money.
It may be that she has a very frugal week and learns an important lesson about budgeting. Hopefully, she'll come home having had a good time and with a better understanding of planning ahead. Sometimes those lessons stick far better when they're learned through experience than through lectures.

À student acquaintance fell out of second floor window... Not drunk, no foul play.

She broke every major bone in her body.

She had to be airlifted back to UK.... 30 years ago it cost almost £30k.... No insurance... Luckily her parents were well off...

The insurance would have been a tenner.

@ThisTealLeader Which Greek island is she going to? My 18 year old daughter went to Alonnisos with friends last year (first ever holiday without parents) and had an amazing time. But it is not a party/clubbing island. They were on the beach during the day and evenings went out to eat, to bars, etc. Had the time of their lives , but did not get roaring drunk or stay out spending money until 3 in the morning. She did take more than £200 spending money though!

Here's MSE tool for insurance

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/travel-insurance/annual-travel-insurance/

You can't stop an 18 year old accessing their Child Tust Fund. I encouraged mine to use him for his uni accommodation deposit but it is entirely at their discretion. It is why I (and presumably OP) chose not to add to it.

Help her out?!

When I was 18 I worked one day a week as I was in school doing 5 A levels Mon-Fri but I saved up for a holiday abroad with mates. It was tough and yeah, I didn't have as much spending money as some of them but I'd packed super noodles and cereal bars to eat. My parents surprised me with a load of euros as a gift for trying hard in my studies and told me to enjoy myself. It helped massively and I didn't take it for granted.

I worked office hours through the rest of the hols before going to Uni where I worked in a pub to pay my way. I wasn't lazy or stupid with money but I still never had very much of it. I didn't want to miss out so I made it work. #

My 18 year old son should be abroad on his post A levels lads holiday but the mate who was booking cocked up and they're having to go away in August instead. Either way, he has saved money from his part time job. He has cash set aside for it. I was going to pay his mate via online banking and he was going to give me the cash for it at which point I'd go - this holiday's a treat from me and Dad, keep your cash for spending or for uni.

He already has holiday insurance but why on earth would you not simply help your daughter out with at least that?! Or if she wants to be fiercely independent and use her own earnings, you could give her a preloaded bank card or a credit card with a sensible low limit to be used in emergencies.

Saving up £200 on one day a week's work as a teen is a good thing. It sounds like the holiday's been a motivation for her to make it happen and she has. Sure, it's not loads but your role as a parent is to help her to understand how much things cost not block her from this experience with her friends.

If you do stop her going I can't see her forgiving you any time soon. The holiday I had with a large group of girls in the summer I was 18 is still one I remember well now, I'm still best mates with 6 of them and keep in touch with the others, friends we made while out there are still contacts and friends of friends now. Yes I've been on holidays with mates other times, yes I've travelled to more amazing places since but that holiday was a key moment in my entrance into adulthood and that whole coming-of-age era. The music from that holiday is the dance music of my late teens.

Support her to find a way forward with this please. Or you'll be paving the way for resentment and regret.

Well, you're right, she can't afford it. But it's a bit late to cancel now - she won't get any money back. I don't know what to say about letting a vulnerable young adult travel...I would be worried in your shoes, but hope that at least one of her friends would keep an eye on her. Do you know one of her friends well? If so, I think I would swap numbers with the friend (in case of emergencies) and give the friend £100 to keep for your daughter. It's not fair that she's expecting her friends to bail her out. They are probably only taking enough money to cover themselves, not another adult.

When she gets home, I think I'd be having several conversations, over time, about planning things, what you need to consider, saving, not to be embarrassed to ask for help etc.

Sounds like your daughter holds you and dad to ransom.

Give her a Monzo card for emergencies and set it up as one for kids so you have access to the app. You can then add to it daily if you need to. (DD rang out of money by day 4 and spent all day messaging begging for more, however she had £20 each morning for food and that was it).

And get her decent travel insurance but tell her over and over that it doesn't cover moped riding or tomb stoning.

Having read your updates, I completely get your concerns. But you have some leverage if she has any concern about her lack of funds. Could you offer a modest amount of money now and another amount half way through the week but with conditions e.g. she shows you a travel insurance policy, she accepts having air tags in a wallet / cross body bag where her passport is, they all have each others' phone locations etc. It won't be an easy experience for her but you can't easily stop her going and maybe she will learn some useful life lessons if you can manage risk.

It’s a tough age, and the lack of insurance is a major risk. Budgeting is a hard lesson to learn at eighteen.

You seem to really be enjoying the notion that your daughter might suffer and absolutely enraged that she might enjoy herself.

Hopefully she escapes your grip sooner rather than later. Going on this holiday will help her do that, of course, another step towards freedom from you. Another reason for you to be angry about it.

'OP, I would buy decent travel insurance for her and a bottle of sun screen. I would then send her on her way with the £250. I suspect she's fully expecting you to give her further money'.

This, if your daughter is going anyway, buy the travel insurance and sunscreen. Then give her a some spending money. Your daughter has problems don't try to stop her doing something that is normal for her age. You say you can afford it, so cut out your controlling behaviour. Ask yourself the question, why dees she lie to you.

Yep.

My parents were in a position to control whether I went on holiday at 18, and you bet that I'm still fucking fuming about it.

A lot of controlling what I was exposed to then lecturing about how I made bad decisions, instead of letting me learn and helping me navigate it, too.

And you know what? When I went to university, I made mistakes and coped.