Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

I am the mums where you live. Reading all of this really upsets me. This poor little boy is being bullied and thought OPs DD was his friend, only to have the one person he thought had his back turn on him and bully him as well. Utterly disgusting really. I understand it is not OPs fault but if this were my DD she would be having no luxuries, no play dates, no outings until she understood how wrong it is and figured out how to make it right. I would have gone and picked her up from said friends house immediately to find out what happened.

It's all well and good for people to say she's only 7 blah blah blah - he is only 7, too. The victim should always be at the forefront of resolution. No 7 year old, nobody at all for that matter should dread going to school out of fear of bullying, especially not by those they call their friends. I cannot believe you thought her messaging you was unreasonable OP. How else is she supposed to find out what happened? And she will not just be gunning for your daughter, either, but understandably takes more personal offence given that they were supposed to be friends. Multiple kids bullying her 7 year old son day in day out and your concern is why is she messaging you about your daughter. My god. Speaks volumes.

This is one of the worst things I've read on here.

Good on your lovely son. The world needs brave people who stand up to injustice. I'm glad you're proud of him and not disappointed he isn't conforming.

...and mean it without trying to distract with blame to others.. your child will be picking up on your minimising things

School's do nothing about bullying and that is in large part why kids think they can do what they want these days. No real consequences, no discipline. Kids ending their own lives because of it, because school do nothing, nobody does anything. I was bullied in my first high school and was always off school because of it. When I went to my attendance meeting, the deputy head told me that bullying was "part of the high school experience".

If you don't want to raise bullies, then don't raise bullies. Call them out on their behaviour, do exactly as stated in the comment quoted above, instill it into them that it is beyond wrong and never okay. Never. Raise them with real values, morals, principles and discipline. This is a pivotal learning curve for your daughter OP.

Your kid is getting the bulk of the blame because she was meant to be his friend. When in fact she’s a bully too.

Very good advice but doesn't sound like this particular mum is much into parenting.

Haven't read the whole thread but for me if my child was being unkind to another as hard as it can be to hear I would absolutely want to find out about it.
But I think I'd probably still broach it with her in the sense of making sure she understood what led her to those actions and teaching her to make amends/what she could do different next time. And obviously reinforcing that it is wrong.
Id let the parent know what actions I'd taken and apologise for her part.
Outside of that nothing else you can do. It sounds like it's a bigger problem overall for this boy unfortunately

Bullying is nasty. If my child was involved in something like that, I would want to know, I would also be very firm with my child and tell them that they are under no circumstances to ever take part in any form of bullying. I do not want to raise a child who is a bully.

It is not fair on the person who is being bullied. Its not funny or a joking matter to intimidate another child.

If my child came home and said they were being bullied, I would be so angry that someone was doing this to my child so why should I turn a blind eye When its someone else. What a nasty world we live in, to think that hurting someone is alright.
Even thinking about it makes me sad, that a group of children think its funny to hit and humiliate another child. Only parents who have had children bullied, will truly understand the pain caused by this nasty behaviour.

👏

Absolutely sickening take. If the world was like this we'd have a world of cowards without honour.

You have no idea why this child is being bullied...it could be hair colour, size, race, poverty, ill health disability, anything - fact is though the shame I would feel my 7 year old wasn't kind hearted and a bully that's where the problem lies ...not the victim.

Your world view and advice...aka how to create a dishonourable immoral future generation ...what a thing to teach as a philosophy " look away from injustice "

What about them? The mum asked about your DD’s participation. Believe me, it is worse to be bullied by someone you thought was your friend than by people you know are your enemies. That’s betrayal. That poor boy has learned that someone he thought was looking out for him is just as bad as the others - worse in fact, because she knows it’s wrong. “Disappointed” doesn’t even cover your DD’s behaviour.

If your child was being bullied, coming home distressed in tears every day, unable to eat, unable to sleep, no interest in activities that they enjoy - you would just tell the school and ignore it, then?

Disgraceful. Parents like you are the reason that bullies exist. Very much a, "as long as it isn't my child" mentality. How convenient for you. You are the problem.

All the more reason she should have his back. Im not surprised youre ashamed

I think it’s fine, I’d want to know if it was my DD. I feel so sorry for that boy, he must be utterly miserable. Best if school are made aware and this will be important for your DD to learn from, going along with the crowd because you want to be part of the group rather than doing the right thing can have negative consequences for you too.

The bullying this child seems to be experiencing is really awful. I would be so deeply ashamed, tbh I’d probably let the other parents of the children who were involved know too that their kids were behaving this way.

The worst person in all of this though is you. You are the adult here. You are part of the problem. Trying to make excuses for hwr behaviour. You dont know that she hasn't contacted the other parents. Shes made a point of contacting you because it was his close friend who encouraged the behaviour

You've replied a few times, but every answer you give is just outsourcing your parenting. You have responsibilities as well and that includes listening to what other people tell you about your child.

A parent who can hear from their own child's mouth that they bullied and encouraged violence against another child and can STILL search for an excuse to ignore it or push blame elsewhere is entirely the reason why I'm leaving education. We are totally doomed.

To everyone agreeing and saying there's more to it, or they'd ignore the message - shame on you.

Don't be that parent op who said it's not just mine Asif it justifys . Your daughter should be upset and ashamed and hopefully the way she feels now will be enough to ensure she won't bully again. You should apologise to the other parent and let her know your ashamed and share the info your daughter has provided in regards to others involvement . Personally I would also be making sure my daughter's teacher was aware and that she faced a consequence in school as well as at home .

I would thank her for telling me (and I’d mean it!). Go in with your daughter to see the HT. What an appalling situation. My daughter would be in very very serious trouble at home if she’d been party to this.

This all sounds horrendous, I’m surprised this poor kid is being hit and bullied and teachers aren’t stopping it.
Poor kid.

The parents who push this back to school and let them deal with it, you know they're not the parents yeah? It is your literal duty to parent your own children, not have school do the dirty bits for you.

This other parent must be very upset to see her 7 year old DS being bullied at such a young age. I feel sad for what the little boy must be going through emotionally. No child should be treated like this and how dare these children this is funny or acceptable.
I think the mother should report this to the school and not rest until she makes sure her DS is safe in school.
I wouldn't send my child to school if he was being hit by other children.

@Finishdinnerliedownsleep I think it was very wrong of your daughter to encourage other girls to treat the young boy badly, like the little boy doesn't already have enough grief by being hit by the other boys.
It's very sad. I really hope the mother of the DS sorts these ongoing issues out.

It doesn't matter what the other kids did. What matters is your daughter, that boy's friend, turned on him and joined those who have been making his life a misery.

That mum needs to know that at least one adult has a true sense of right and wrong and will not tolerate that sort of betrayal. So tell her you're sorry and your daughter will face consequences for this. Separately, yes, you do need to go to the school because with that sort of dynamic going on, it needs to be stopped because once the 'in crowd' are bullying and physically attacking a child with zero consequences, it's never going to stop until the shock value of a kid getting suspended happens. And who do you think the others will point the finger at? Their close friends, or the hangers on that are joining in to try and be liked?

I think I'd be very wary of a previous poster's advice to 'severely punish' the little girl. As I read it, the child had owned up. Would she be more or less likely to own up to something in future, knowing that last time she did so, she was severely punished?

By all means, I'd go heavy on the 'I'm so disappointed in you/ how would you feel if' pressure, but more in sorrow than in anger, as the saying goes.