Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

The boy's mum isn't going to talk to you about all of the other children involved. I would imagine that is why it feels like the heat is all on your daughter but you don't know if she has already involved the other parents.
If it were me, I would apologise to the mum for my child's behaviour and make sure my child apologises. I would also let them know that my child will be speaking to the teacher about their involvement so the teacher is aware of the situation and then figure out what would be a suitable consequence for my child.
The rest is out of your hands.

I didn’t say she didn’t. It happened at school, it was addressed at school = appropriate channel is the school.

I'd definitely reply and say how awful it sounds and you'll speak to your child And the school...then get back to her after...you see this mum every day and you dont want bad feelings every time.i think it's understandable that she msgd you tho as it shows she trusts your judgement....just my point of view.saying that,at age 7 he could be confused if your daughter was actually talking to those boys to tell them not to hit him ♡

I think it’s better that the mum spoke to you and tried to help sort things out rather than just complaining to school. I understand if you feel badly but saying sorry and I will speak to my daughter is all that’s needed here rather than your feelings being bruised - it’s about the lad who got hit

I can see why the other mum is upset. As you say, other kids were involved, but she obviously knows you in a way she doesn't know the mums of the other kids, plus it probably had more of an impact because your DD and her DS are supposed to be friends.

As for why your DD behaved like that even though she knew it was wrong, and the fact that she can't explain why - the answer to both those questions is that she's 7 years old. Kids that age simply don't think things through in anything like the same way that you would as an adult. They often do things without really knowing why and without much thought for consequences. Even the nicest of kids that age can be absolutely horrible at times, especially in group dynamics.

My guess is that perhaps she is subconsciously worried that she will also get bullied like her friend if she's seen being friendly with him at school. Sometimes kids are worried about hanging out with a child nobody likes or who is bullied because they're scared they'll be tainted by association or something, even if they can't quite articulate that to others.

I think all you can do is say 'I've had a stern word with her. It all sounds quite complicated with lots of children involved and I can't really get to the bottom of exactly what happened and why, but I've made it very clear to her that her behaviour wasn't OK. She knows it was wrong and will apologise to your DS for being unkind.'

I wouldn't be getting into the rights and wrongs of who else was to blame or why she hasn't spoken to other parents or anything like that.

If you replace my "friends" with "friendly" what I said still applies. It just depends on the attitude of the parents. If they want to get rid of bullying they can act together with the school.
Where there is continued bullying it is often because the parents themselves implicitly encourage it - you can see that from some of the posts on here. It just depends on the attitudes of the parents concerned, whether they want their child to go to school in a bullying-free, exclusion-free, tolerant and happy environment.

So op never came back after the 'but but but what about the other dc involved!'?

What a surprise. She seemed like such a responsible and involved parent.

Yes, they can act together with the school by the communication going through the school – it's a school related incident, so they are the best people to orchestrate the issue and be the first port of call for reported incidents.

If you have an actual bully and the parents are implicitly encouraging it then contacting the parent is going to be highly ineffective. It's also ineffective to address with children after it has happened – it needs to be as soon as possible after the incident has occurred. For all these reasons, the school is the best channel.

You are conflating ‘parent doesn’t care’ with ‘school being the best first port of call’.

I think she didn't come back because these are not the responses she wanted to hear.

This. Your daughter was unkind.

I'd be telling the boy to hit back tbh. Usually sorts out the bullies pretty quick. My brother was a easy going kid and not really one to get into fights but he was really into martial arts and boxed from a young age. Nobody ever tried it on at school The couple of times it happened with much bigger kids he just hit them with a body shot and it was game over.

I did similar when my DS (then 7) was practising his martial art on a girl in his class who was frightened. Her mum spoke to me at pick up time - not aggressively, but she was upset. He fessed up straightaway, but I wasn’t particularly shocked, unfortunately, because we’d already had words because he’d tried it on his cousin.

I thanked her for letting me know and marched him straight back to the class and asked the teacher to let me know immediately if he ever did it again because if he did, he would no longer be doing said martial art. The teacher’s kids also did the same activity with the same sensei and she reminded him that sensei explicitly warns them all against doing it on kids at school. He learned pretty quickly.

I wouldn’t mess about in this case, whether or not others were worse. She has taken part in bullying and needs to understand clearly how wrong that is. So I would have told her clearly that her behaviour was cruel and she must never join in cruelty to be part of a group. And yes, there would be a suitable punishment and she must write him an apology.

Totally!! The parents saying let school sort it out are appalling! I think she’s messaged you as trusts her child to tell the truth. He was telling the truth as your daughter was involved so I’d be apologetic and reassure I’d talk to her about not joining in being mean. Equally I wouldn’t be too disappointed in your daughter. They are still very young and can get carried away with others. I would take it as an opportunity to talk about kindness and treating others as you would like to be treated etc.

I’m honestly absolutely horrified some parents would ignore this behaviour from their own child and let the school deal with it. It’s a parents responsibility to make sure their child knows not to pick on other kids - not schools!

This isn’t meant to be critical of your child. All children need guidance and learn through experience

How would you feel if your daughter was in the position her son is in and her friend was encouraging other people to be unkind to her? Easy to judge this mum when it’s not your child being picked on. Why not just speak to your child about not being unkind to others and how if you laugh along with the bully you are the bully etc., I certainly would be mortified to know my child was treating their friends this way and would want to speak to my child to ensure it never happens again. Regardless of what other kids did or didn’t do, your child is the only one you have any influence or responsibility over

She should know when you see bad things happen you don’t join and you go and tell a teacher that’s the sort of behaviour that is celebrated in schools. she needs a very hard talking to. Doesn’t really matter what everyone else was doing. I’m sure the school will deal with. It doesn’t make what your daughter did any better impact. It makes it worse because this person considered her a friend.

You wouldn't want to know if your child had bullied another child?! Yikes!

I’d keep everything off text for a start be the grown up and have a conversation like in the olden days. So much can be misconstrued in a message and hers to me isn’t unreasonable at all clearly it is to others.

I really can’t believe my eyes. Absolutely disgusting the amount of parents that wash their hands of their children’s bulling behaviour. My heart breaks for that little boy and his mum, what has he done to deserve everyone picking on him? Just awful.

She was honest. I’d praise her for that - seriously it’s good - but I’d also march her up to school tomorrow to tell the teacher she wants to apologise to Fred.

Then, case closed

We don’t have all the facts. Come back after speaking with DD and then we can give an answer.

I have been on both sides. I had to message a mum about her daughter sending bullying messages to my DD. Luckily the mum could check her phone and had a word. My DD then got an apology ( immediately deleted afterwards) so clearly just for her mum's benefit but it at least stopped the behaviour. I have also called another parent mortified after finding out my DD was mean to her son. She wasn't aware and appreciated the call. They are kids. Don't take sides just keep it factual and report back what was said and use your judgement about whether how much you believe. Even saying DD says it wasn't her but we have had a chat about how it's not kind to hit people etc is helpful.

And here lies the issue, school can't do much, and if it gets into defending their actions as it often does with primary school children when they think they might get into trouble they rend to lie and downplay and school can not accuse them of lying.
If you know your child is involved you should parent your child and ensure they understand that bullying is wrong and face consequences, not least of which should be acknowledging to the child and apologising.

It is a bigger problem OP but, its not your problem. I would be very careful not to respond to the other parent saying it was others too as it could come across that you are minimising what your dd has done. I would just reply to say you have spoken to your daughter and it seems like she has joined in with other children and that you are very disappointed, she will have consequences and she will apologise and just leave it there. I am saying this as a parent who was contacted by another parent about my dd's behaviour towards her child. I was very tempted to include all the background etc but everything just sounded like I was minimising what my dd had done. Its horrible but just remember it doesn't make your dd a bad child or you a bad parent. Its a learning opportunity

She is a bad parent if she chooses to do nothing and / or chooses to make the other mum feel bad for contacting her about it. The number of people on this thread who have suggested that the other mum was wrong to contact her is astounding 😮 no wonder there are so many kids who bully!

I’d just say you’re sorry, Dd will be spoken to and consequences given and that you’ll speak to school also and leave it at that. Then have a chat with the teacher. There’s no sense in dragging out a conversation with the mum, clearly she’s terribly and understandably upset for her son but likely realises it’s more complex than just your dd inciting a whole campaign. I’d avoid over explaining things as it’s all best managed via the school.