Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

This is perfect. I would send this

Nothing to do with you.

Deal with your daughter. She is a bully.

I would also be concerned at what the school are actually doing about bullying. If this boy is being regularly bullied what are they actually doing about it? Do they have cctv in the playground? Are they checking it if a child is being hit? Are playground staff monitoring?

I would go into school, make an appointment with the head and ask what is going on? It will mean you daughter gets into trouble but hitting and daily bullying is not acceptable.

I have made a similar complaint, my son wasn’t bullying but he was upset at witnessing a child being bullied regularly. Read the bullying policy on the school website. Physical violence may mean an exclusion. It is peer on peer or child on child violence. My statement actually helped the school (or maybe gave them little choice) and led to a suspension (ensure you follow up the main points of the meeting in writing as it then cannot be denied).

Children witnessing this bullying are also learning this behaviour (some reception kids are still only 4). Other kids may be modifying their behaviour to appease the bully’s. Some will join in.

This really won’t get better on its own. By year 6 some children are 160cm and can really hurt someone. Also from experience in year 5 parents bypass the school and go straight to the police (when the bully is 10) if the school has been ineffective previously.

If it was my daughter she’d be going round to apologise.

I would also want to explore what is going on if this is out of character. An environment where kids witness daily bullying isn’t great and I believe it leads to other kids adapting their behaviour by either joining in, walking on eggshells or avoiding certain people in class, the playground and the dinner hall. Bullying really changes classroom dynamics and makes school bloody miserable for the bullied children and witnesses.

She’s likely already addressing issues with the school, it’s particularly upsetting for her DC if DD was his friend and is now made herself part of the bullying problem.

The mum did nothing wrong by contacting you if you know her. It’s done you a favour to get a heads up on the situation and you can nip your DD’s behaviour in the bud.

A phone call would’ve been better but you are shooting the messenger a bit here.

My dd is a bit older than yours but has been in the boys position. I messaged the parent of one of the kids doing it as I knew her, the following day the mum and her dd were on my doorstep so the dd could apologise. There’s been no further incidents.
Bullying is never ok and nobody wants to think their child is involved but as parents it’s down to us to parent our kids.
The mum was right to raise it with you, her poor son is being bullied by multiple kids including yours who he thought was his friend. You need to acknowledge your DD’s part in this and get her to apologise

Wow. Let’s hope your child is never on the receiving end.

Poor boy 😢

OP, I’d be taking this seriously and not minimising. The boy would be getting a big apology. I think it’s a double kick in the teeth that your daughter was his friend.

Your daughter will be ok though. This hasn’t set her on the path of being a lifetime bully! She’s young and got swept up in things. It happens. But she needs to know that it’s not acceptable (which I KNOW you will tell her anyway).

I like the way you worded it —you have a flair for writing. You let your son know in no uncertain terms that his behaviour will not be tolerated.

"I went so nuclear there was scorched earth for a mile around. He will never. Ever. Ever. Behave like that again".

Why do you think your DD told them to annoy him if he is her friend and especially after you had talked to her about being kind to him and supporting him?

Poor poor boy. Don’t concern yourself with the other kids, just make sure your daughter gets the appropriate punishment

This is so true.

My son’s infant school had a ‘zero bullying’ policy, which meant they told the parents there was zero bullying. Even when my son came home covered in bruises where one boy had held him and all the others had taken turns to hit him. Apparently he started it.

And then in next school when my son also broke an item that belonged to a child. This child it turned out had been picked on by other kids also. Again school told me it was an isolated incident, nothing to see here. They did nothing to protect that other child. I did more by forcing my son to apologise, confiscating his games, having the other kid for a conciliatory playdate and making him replace the item from his birthday money. At least I know my son never picked on this kid again but no thanks to school and i bet others continued.

I just really hate bullying. We moved schools for son because he’d been bullied himself and I remember us both crying ourselves to sleep repeatedly, my innocent 6 year old saying ‘why do they hurt me mummy, why don’t i have friends’.

Then he moves schools, becomes the popular kid and tries it on with another child… not on my watch. No way no how. Zero tolerance!

Great post

I would have a chat with the teacher, and all her to deal with it at school according to their policies. I would also have a long talk about bullying with your daughter. She should say she was sorry to the boy. She should know that you won't tolerate this behavior. She is only 7, this is when she starts to learn these things.

Me too 🙌

It amazes me that so many people would wash their hands and say it’s the schools problem to sort out. The parental accountability doesn’t stop as soon as they cross the school threshold!

good on the other mum for having the balls to message you as clearly many others wouldn’t and would just palm it off on to the school.

Yes I would apologise on behalf of my child, I would have very firm words with my child and they would be suitably punished for their part and they would be made to write an apology.

There's a little boy getting bullied at school by his classmates including your daughter and you're more bothered that you don't like confrontation and that there's other kids doing it too who should be pulled up?

I suggest you fully pull your daughter up and concentrate on the fact that there's a little lad having an awful time at school and his mum is just trying to make it better for him. They must both be heartbroken. Stop trying to minimise what she has done and take responsibility. It's your job to parent YOUR kid and make sure she's not making anyones life hell. It shouldn't matter to you about the other kids. It should matter that your daughter has been a part of this disgusting group of bullies.

Taking accountability for your bloody daughter and sort yourself and your daughter out. There's a little boy getting physically assaulted at a place he should be safe.

Well done, there should be more parents like you. Then we wouldn't have as many problems as we do have.
You have set a good example of parenting. 💐

despair for humanity at times

Probably dealing with a hundred other urgent matters. This is where we are after years of underfunding.

I'd go for a response like "I've spoken to dd and she admitted joining in with a group saying to annoy your ds, but denies saying anyone should hit him. I am obviously disappointed in this behaviour and will address it. I hope your ds is alright, and that the school can give some support."

I think it's a nuanced situation. It's hard for a 7yo to be the lone voice standing up against bullying, and while that might be the point you want to get to, it's maybe too much to expect without support. I'd have a conversation about what else she could have done (told an adult perhaps) and help her reflect on how she was feeling and thinking at the time, and what she can do to put it right.

I would then speak to the teacher yourself so they can speak to the wider class and help manage the situation.

Im really not sure op should be saying any version of "oh but others were doing it too" to the poor mum, thats not helpful, doesnt matter one bit, and is something expected for a 7 year old to say, not an adult.

I would assume OP, that you being a decent parent have marched your delightful daughter round to that poor little boys house and made her say sorry for bullying him. Did the little boy accept her apology ?

Sorry but what a cope out thing to say! It doesn't matter if other kids were involved, whether was the main instigator or not. Where in there was the accountability of what This child has done? This parent was raising what this particular child has done with this childs parent, you don't minimise it by saying "well she wasn't main instigator or acting alone"
As the boys parent i wouldn't give a stuff whether she was or wasn't, only concerned that she was involved and did something and needs to be held to account.

The kid admitted to it though!