Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

I think you’re right. School needs to be fully informed, so they can deal appropriately with what sounds like a nasty situation for the lad. I think the mum’s tone was regrettable but we cannot know what she’s experienced prior to this incident.
I’d be inclined to be severe with my child, withdraw privileges, and insist upon remedy with an apology and by helping teachers investigate. A bit of small group discussion with the children concerned wil be necessary, but that’s down to teachers.

I think it’s often a group dynamic where one child starts and the others join in. I wouldn’t have messaged you. I would have gone straight to the school but it’s personal choice. It’s not fair on the boy who is being hurt by others. I would have replied and said I’ll speak to dd. I wouldn’t let dd get the blame for the whole situation as that isn’t fair but I would speak to her teacher about the group as a whole.

If it were me, I would email the school with what she had told me so that they have information which could help them to (hopefully) support this boy.
I would ask her how she thinks she can make this better. I think it would be really nice for instance if she has the idea to write him a card saying sorry and telling him that she will not do it again & will tell a teacher if she sees it happening (I’d probably also say that if I hear that she has been doing this she will get some sort of reward!).
I would also talk to her about how she would feel if other children were doing this to her (I’m sure you’re already doing this). I’d also probably talk to her about any times I’d been hurt by another child and what it was like if/when another child looked out for me. It certainly sounds like he is being targeted by a number of children at school; that’s really sad. Could be a really good learning experience for your DD : ) in terms of the mum, I’d probably text saying that I’m sad this is happening to her son and that I am addressing it seriously with my DD. I know from experience it is AWFUL to hear about our babies being hurt by numerous other kids in the playground : (

No, OP's DD shouldn't get the blame for everyone's behaviour. She should be harsly reprimanded for her own bullying behaviour.
She needs to know that's 100% unacceptable.

They've had to lay off the playground assistants cameras are cheaper.

When something similar happened in our house (not physical) the school dealt with it.

There was lots of tattling about other children being part of ‘it’ and the victim bringing on themselves etc etc.

I just had a stern warning to my child to apologise and keep clear. The other parent was scary but it worked.

I’m going to sound very old but “in my time” teachers used to supervise the playground and it worked perfectly.

My daughter’s primary school had plenty of teaching assistants but they couldn’t supervise everyone - “too many kids” I was told. Given the playground was a zoo as a result, my daughter never got to run around, preferring to go to arts club instead. I’m so glad these days are behind us.

Our school they're only allowed to use the small field once a week because there's no-one to supervise them.

The boy's mother reached out directly because your DD and her son are friends. I would be furious if my child bullied an already picked-on boy, and so ashamed that she treated her friend this way. OP, don't make excuses for her just because she owned up to it; what she did to her friend is abhorrent. I would insist that she apologize and, next time he is bullied, stand up for him. If you don't nip this in the bud now, she will grow into a mean girl as a teenager.

I would apologise to the other mum and tell her that I will have a word with my child. But I would also speak to the class teacher and tell her what happened. Looks like a lot of children have ganged up and been mean to this boy and that is just not on. All the kids need to apologise to this child and your child can lead the way.

I like this approach.

In my experience schools do very little when children are bullied, I pulled my child out as the parents of the child who bullied my child probably would have hit me if I’d approached them but if I could have had a sensible conversation with a sensible parent then this would have been preferable. Her raising it with you is helpful as you know more about your child now and hopefully you can help her strengthen her kindness and loyalty.

You would completely ignore the fact that your child was involved in the bullying? Ok. Glad OP is taking a more responsible stance.

I feel so sorry for this little boy, I can;t believe nothing has been done about it before now. I will never understand why some children are so cruel to others.

The mum doesn't sound batshit. She's just upset her dc is being bullied and hit.

You apologise and empathise. You make your daughter do the same and then you think of an appropriate punishment/consequence for her. It doesn't matter about the other children, you need to deal with your daughter. She joined in the bullying, and it probably felt worse because he thought she was a friend. Don't ignore it as other posters have said. Perhaps if more parents tackled their children's bullying behaviour instead of making excuses, school wouldn't be hell for so many children.

This. I can’t understand all the posters saying don’t get involved. Teach the child what to do when they mess up. That poor little boy.

What a shame your daughter was upset because her behaviour was found out. What about this poor little guy - bullied picked on and physically abused, it seems, on a daily basis- no doubt he goes home upset most school nights. My heart goes out to him and I hope you and the other parents deal appropriately with your entitled nasty little brats. I have a feeling this won't be the case though.

I like @WonderingWanda response
"I've spoken to dd and I'm so disappointed and saddened to hear that she was part of this. She will be apologising to your ds and receiving a sanction from me, and will hsve to live with the fact that she may have lost herself a friend. Thank you so much for bringing it to my attention. This is not the sort of behaviour we expect her to join in with. Dd did say that there were other instigators, I hope you have spoken with tge class teacher so they can deal with all of the children involved. I hope.your ds is ok."

100% agree with the first paragraph (the last sentence is a too harsh).

Lame excuse. There needs to be better education, from schools and parents, to teach children to speak out against bullying. This is how bullies get away with it - because it’s frowned upon to tell tales. Even 7 year olds can understand what it means to be a good friend and what to do if they witness meanness or bullying.

Yes, a good standard answer is ‘okay, can you leave it with me, thanks for flagging.’

Where were the teachers and the staff?

That poor little boy, probably asleep in his bed now, but will wake up with a feeling of dread in his wee tummy.
He would have been more hurt when he realised your daughter wasn't his friend after all.
It's hurtful for adults when we realise our friends aren't who we thought they were.
He must feel so unloved

Well I’d want to know, and have a chance to adress it with my daughter since I think it is completely unacceptable for my child to behave like that. I guess parents that don’t want to know about it don’t care what kind of children they are bringing up, what else could we possibly think about a parent who goes ‘my child is bullying others, too bad how dare the parents talk to me about it; it’s not my problem!’

Absolutely, and our school teaches about being an upstander vs a bystander.