Is this mum’s message the right way to go about things?

[Finishdinnerliedownsleep]

Received a text message off a mum from school, have spoken a few times, say hello, all friendly and ok. Her Ds and my Dd are friends, Dd often tells me people are mean to him in class and I say to always be kind to him and to stand up for him if she can.
In the message the mum says that her Ds spoke to her after school and said my Dd told some boys to hit him, which they did and then the assistant told them off. She said she wanted to know what her Ds had done to deserve this and why my Dd thinks this kind of behaviour is acceptable and that she wanted him to have a nice day but is really upset because of my Dds actions.
Dd is at her friends and will be back later, so I will speak with her to find out what happened

To me, this is personally not how I would approach the situation if it was the other way around and I would enquire, rather than accusing and find out what happened first

It’s made me feel sick as I hate confrontation, we’ve never had anything like this before

Well if your daughter got upset because she was questioned about her behaviour, then maybe you should stop and think about how your DD and the other children made the little boy feel.
He must have been very upset aswell and must have felt very lonely. He was physically and verbally attacked.

Your child is a bully and you know it and you need to deal with it. HTH.

You handled it well - you obviously care and have explained to your daughter that it’s not acceptable. I would however email the school and explain what happened and your daughter’s account of the situation. I would do this to protect the poor young boy who seems to be under extreme physical bullying. I’m surprised that this is going on at school and no intervention happening. If I was you I would be worried for your daughter too as the school seems feral.

Sorry i meant your friend's ds all the way through, I said "your ds" once by mistake, I meant your friend's ds.

Also just to clarify that some schools dc have been too have been better than others, I don't want to sound to overcritical. It is tough and timeconsuming for schools, but with all the adults giving the same message on a regular basis, it makes a difference, is what I meant.

The school need to address the bullying. All the bullies need investigating. The poor child must be very unhappy. It happens at our school playground coverage is scant. When a parent complains they look at the CCTV. Not much help the next day but it identifies the culprits

Yes and loads of people have managed to get this point across without being nasty

The cctv?! Reading this thread and I’m wondering if I’m in a parallel universe.

I think you need to apologise on your DD's behalf and have her apologise to the boy at a minimum, discuss why she did what she did and enforce some sort of consequence so she knows that going along with the crowd isn't an excuse.

I'd also suggest the other Mum approaches school about this as it sounds like he's being bullied quite badly.

She is still very young and it's easy to get caught up on the moment and go with the crowd. Even adults do it sometimes but for a child it can be even harder to stand out. Children in general want to fit in and that's what she was doing.
You need to make sure enough that she knows what she did was wrong. And that she hurt the boy. It doesn't matter that she didn't say to hurt him physically she joined in with the bullying and that hurt him.
I think you should encourage her put herself in the boys place, ask her how she would feel, talk about feelings, difference and understanding other people. Ask her what she can do to make him feel better, get her to think of ways she can make amends for what she did and make sure she does it.
You also need to help her feel strong enough to go against the crowd and stand up for what she thinks is right.
Also you should talk to her teacher so they are aware of the situation and possibly do some work with the whole class.

I'm not being nasty, no bad language, no nasty words. OP doesn't appear to understand that her daughter is a bully or how to deal with it. She's here, asking for advice. I'm giving her the advice she needs to avoid being the parents of the next Mackenzie Shirilla.

So your dd told the others to 'annoy' the boy. What does this entail? As she is or was his friend does this mean she knew what he finds upsetting and gave them some ideas?

That poor boy. He must have a horrible time at school. I think you need to take full responsibility for your dds behaviour and apologise to the mum. She needs to apologise to the boy to. Maybe speak to rhe school to about whats being disclosed as that little lad is being horrendously bullied. My ds2 was in a year group full of bullies and was bullied horrendously along with 3 other kids. It was almost like the whole situation in the year became so toxic that other kids who wouldn't normally got involved did. I ended up moving him to a different school to get him away from it all as did the other parents of the bullied kids. It was the best thing I did.

That poor boy 😭this has broken my heart for him. I’d have so much compassion for his Mum who no doubt just wants him to have friends like everyone else. She was probably grateful for your Daughters friendship so has taken it hard that she has joined in with the other bully’s. I wouldn’t be thinking about the other children I’d be thinking about my child and their actions. I’d tell the Mum all your daughter has told you about what his whole day looked like so she can get the scale of the bullying and if I was her I would pull him out of school. How horrible

The boy is being bullied and I would hope his mum has contacted school about this. She contacted you directly because your dd and her son were friends so ofcourse it's even more hurtful for this poor little boy to have a friend do this to him. I hope you talk to her about empathy OP and tell her that she should go get an adult if this happens again.

Mackenzie Shirilla?

I feel so sorry for the boy and also his mum. 7 is so little. You hope your child goes to school to learn, play and be happy and then you find out that they are being bullied. I would arrange an appointment with the school to raise concerns as well as making sure your dd is made to understand how hurtful her behaviour is. The school sounds awful tbh.

'The Crash' documentary. Her parents' inability to see her bad behaviour and deal with it is often discussed. She ended up murdering two people.

The boy is not “just” being bullied - he’s being attacked physically. What the heck are the teachers doing? Why are the children not supervised? I hope the boy’s mum finds a school with good, attentive teachers and nice, decent, responsible parents.

That poor boy. I’d be mortified and so so angry if my daughter did this

Wow! You have another mother who is concerned that her child is being bullied and you would just ignore it - why?

They aren’t friends. OP says they only spoken to each other a few times.

There is undoubtedly a class/year group chat. I would use ‘herd mentality’ for good, not for avoiding and continuing the situation. I’d post in the group chat (with the other Mums permission) Saying something like ‘I’m embarrassed to say that my dd was involved in picking on a child today, on further discussion it seems there were multiple children involved and that this poor child is hit/picked on daily. I’m sure you’re all as mortified/upset as me to hear about this. I don’t want to name the other children/child involved so please could everyone speak to their children tonight about bullying in general ? Sounds like there’s some herd mentality going on, they are only 7 so hopefully we can nip this in the bud before it gets worse. My daughter is really remorseful and will be apologising tomorrow and will 100% not be involved any further. I’ll be speaking to the school about her involvement/the full story and hopefully they can hold a class discussion too. I’d then follow up with the school doing exactly what I’ve said.

You thank the mum for letting you know and assure her that you'll speak to daughter. You ask daughter to think of a way that she can make it up to this lad and help her do it and you discuss (and even roleplay if you want) ways that she can stick up for people if she finds anything like this happening again. Then you speak to the school and let them know what your daughter has admitted so that they can hopefully have a true and clear picture of what's going on and help all the kids involved become better, safer and happier people. Punishing is fine but it won't really help your dd develop empathy or learn strategies for managing situations like this when they inevitably arise again.

Poor little boy being ganged up on by a pack of bullies.
I would be so disappointed with my child and far more concerned about that, rather than the poor mother trying to navigate her very upset and hurt child.
A small bit of compassion for her wouldn't go amiss.
I would contact the school tomorrow and let them know what your daughter has told you and been a part of.
Bullying ruins lives.

Aren’t you an absolute delight! Really?!? Your response is unbelievable. Your advice is to avoid victim?!?!?